One more chapter after this folks! Enjoy x
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Shelby barely crossed her mind anymore.
Toni was glad for that, because when she did, it was accompanied by the heart wrenching feeling of loss, missing time, and injustice. Feelings that made her remember why things had ended and why their relationship was as tumultuous as it was.
Trauma. Fundamentally. Neither of them could escape their trauma. And it ruined one of the only good, solid things in their lives.
At least Toni's, she didn't know how Shelby felt. Not to this day, two months into college.
Toni hadn't gotten into the college of her choice. She remembered opening the letter at the dining room table with Martha, Russell and Bernice all watching her expectantly. She wished she could say that her disappointment was a joke, like she often saw in the romantic comedies that Martha and Fatin made her watch, but it wasn't. It was real. She cried silently in her room after graciously handling it in front of her family.
She had, however, gotten into Shelby's first choice.
They had applied together. Toni regretted that because every walk around campus, seeing the logo and mascot made her think about Shelby. Whether she was here, whether she was disappointed and sad at another school... Whether she had gotten into Toni's first choice instead of her own. That would be a cruel twist of fate if there ever was one.
Toni walked through the campus green towards her dorm, silently praying that her roommate was in class, or out with friends or literally anywhere but in Toni's vicinity.
The girl was... Toni couldn't even think of an accurate descriptor for how completely awful her roommate was. She was a different breed. Toni had never met anyone like her.
When they first met, after unlocking her door and walking into her dorm room for the first time, her first words to Toni were, "Oh my gosh! My boyfriend could have been in here, ever heard of knocking?"
Her boyfriend was not there, for future reference. He never was, in fact. But Toni heard so much about him in the subsequent few months that she actually felt as though she personally knew him.
Toni was so taken aback it took her a minute to respond. "I'm Toni... Your roommate."
"Well it's still the same. I need my privacy," Her whiny voice added, sending a shiver of intense irritation up Toni's spine.
She was completely puzzled. "We share a room?" She was trying for a statement but she was so baffled by the other girl's behaviour that every word leaving her mouth was a question within itself.
The other girl bristled. Visibly. Toni didn't even realise that was possible before then. The large purple bow embedded in a tangle of orange hair bobbled as though it was going to fall out as the girl huffed and got out of bed.
"I'm going to my boyfriend's house now. Don't wait up for me." With that, she stormed off, her long, 'little house on the prairie' style dress swishing as she exited. The door slammed shut. And then opened again so that the girl could yank some of her dress from under the door where it had been trapped.
Toni knew it was supposed to be some kind of scathing line, but all she could think was how bizarre it was that the girl thought she would wait up for her in the first place.
She set up her room that evening, finding a little space on the communal shelf for one photo, the one of her with her family; she smiled warmly at Martha's smiling face, feeling a pang of pain remembering how far away they now lived. She had to move a few funky pops of boy band members and and photos of a curly haired jock-looking boy framed in handmade wooden love hearts with poems written beside them, to fit her other photo, the one of Mrs Conners.
Since then, her room hadn't changed, and neither had her relationship with Georgia, whose name she only found out a week after meeting her during an uncharacteristic conversation about something unrelated to her boyfriend, Matt. Toni actually knew his name before Georgia's.
They had fallen into some kind of understanding recently, after Toni snapped about no giving a shit about her boyfriend. Which in retrospect she felt bad about, but it had helped them, because at least now Georgia didn't have to waste her time talking to Toni and Toni didn't have to hear about how she lost her virginity to him on a bed covered in roses.
It was a win/win in her opinion.
But it was also really fucking awkward being in the same place as her, hence why, when she opened her bedroom door, she was relieved that the room was empty.
She huffed out a deep breath, her anxiety melting away as she threw her bag onto the chair next to her door. Instead of hitting the soft faux fur lining of Georgia's loveseat, it thumped loudly to the ground. Toni winced, hoping her computer was okay.
She actually looked around for the first time since getting in. She had been temporarily blinded by her relief at Gerogia's absence that she didn't even notice the absence of all of her stuff. Which was miraculous because her stuff was everywhere.
There was a note on the desk.
Moving in with my boyfriend Matt off campus. Bye.
Short and sweet. Well, not that sweet.
She just hoped her next roommate was a little bit more tolerable.
Flopping down onto her bed and whipping her phone out of her front pocket, she located Fatin's number and called.
Fatin was attending the same college as Toni, which was a relief because no one else was there and it would have sucked to be going to college without knowing anyone. Everyone else was spread around but not too far away. Luckily for Fatin, Leah was pretty close at the rival college nearby, so they saw each other all the time.
"What's up bitch?" Fatin answered after somewhere around 10 rings.
Toni rolled her eyes. "Classy as always."
"Oh yeah, because you are the embodiment of class. I forgot."
"I have never claimed to be classy. Key difference," she countered.
Fatin chuckled, "Whatever. People can be many things. I can be classy and a bad bitch at the same time."
"For sure," Toni indulged her. "It's a real gift."
"Thank you" Fatin finished triumphantly. "Anyway, what do you want Shalifoe, I'm with Leah."
Toni couldn't help the amused scoff that bubbled to the surface. "Of course you are. I was actually calling to say that Georgia moved out."
"The parasite!?" Fatin screeched.
When Toni first told Fatin about Georgia, 'the parasite' was what she exclusively called her. Because she didn't even know her name at first, Toni couldn't even correct her.
"Yep. So I'm waiting to see who my new roommate is. I'm sure I'll get an email soon."
"Oh my God. The parasite. Let me guess..." The line went silent for a moment. "Moved in with the boyfriend?"
Toni would be impressed by her powers of deduction if it was so fucking obvious in the first place. "Congrats! Want a cookie?"
"Yes please." There was a muffled sound over the speaker. "Leah wants one too."
"For fucks sake. That is not what I mean-"
Fatin interrupted her. "You did offer. What it really comes down to, Toni, is what kind of person do you want to be? The person that offers and doesn't deliver or-"
"Shut up, Jesus." Toni grumbled. "We can get cookies. Hell, come to mine I have an empty room for the first time ever."
Her phone pinged with an email. Subject line: Roommate arrangement.
Fatin paused for a second, clearly thinking the plan through. "And, just to be clear, you would be buying the cookies?"
Toni had a witty reply that completely exited her mind when she read the email on her phone. More importantly, when she read the name listed under new roommate.
"Shelby," Toni gasped, not even aware that she had spoken out loud.
Fatin must have immediately sensed the change of tone because her voice changed completely, the humour melting away in seconds. "What? Toni, what's going on."
"My new roommate." She let out a shaky breath, rereading the name again just in case her mind was playing tricks on her. "Shelby Goodkind."
"Okay," Fatin breathed. "Okay. We will get the cookies. We are coming to you. What time does she move in?"
Toni's heart had stopped, or it felt like it at least. She swallowed thickly and roughly rubbed her shaking hand across her forehead. "Tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I think. Surely she will have it changed right? There's no way Shelby would actually move in with me?"
Just saying it out loud, Toni was hit with how upset she would be if she woke up tomorrow to another new roommate announcement, one with a stranger's name. The thought of Shelby actively trying to avoid being with her sending tears to her eyes without permission.
It was silent for a long time. Toni wondered if Fatin had hung up, she pulled the phone away from her ear to see her name still on the screen. "Fatin?"
"Yeah," her friend cleared her throat, "Yeah, I'm here. I'm just... Not sure what you want to hear at the moment. She might do that Toni. Maybe not just for her but to protect you as well. You can never know someone's motivations."
She probably will, Toni thought to herself sadly.
Her phone beeped without warning in her hand, alerting her that she was getting another call. She peeked at it but it was an unknown number. Maybe that was admin trying to get ahold of her. "Hang on Fatin, I'm getting a call. But please come with cookies." Toni rushed out.
"Hello?" She tried to keep her tone steady, it would be embarrassing if she started crying on the phone to a stranger.
"Toni." Toni's body reacted before her mind did. She choked out a sob. Shelby. Fuck she had missed her voice.
"Hi," she replied lamely, as she roughly wiped the tears off of her face. "Hi, I, uh... How are you?"
Every second Shelby went without replying, Toni's heart felt heavier. Please don't be gone yet. All she wanted was to hear her again, see her, be with her. All this time apart and the feelings just came crashing back again. How could she have ever let her go, feeling how she felt now she couldn't imagine ever even hanging up the phone.
"Did you see the email?" Shelby whispered. Her voice cracking. Toni wished she could see her. Hold her.
"Yeah. It's... I didn't even know that you went here."
Shelby chuckled and Toni's whole world lit up. It honestly felt like the sun rising on a winter's day, a moment of reprieve from the cold. "I didn't know you were gonna be here. Did you not get into..." She trailed off, either because she didn't remember the name of the school or she regretted bringing it up in case it upset Toni. Knowing Shelby, it was the latter.
"No." Toni sighed. "But it's okay. I like it here. Fatin's here." You're here.
"I was going to ask if I could have a different roommate, but I wanted to ask you first."
Just like that, Toni's happiness crumbled. "Oh."
"Yeah. I just figured you wouldn't want me there. Considering." The line went silent. "Everything."
It didn't sound like there was a chance. Shelby had moved on. Toni thought she had too. But apparently not because it felt like the day they broke up all over again. She tried to maintain some composure. Just until Shelby hung up. She could control her emotions for that long.
"Yeah... Sure. Of course. Whatever you want." Please just say okay and hang up. Please let me get off this fucking phone call.
Shelby took a shaky breath that Toni heard over the fuzzy phone line. "It's not really."
This time, Toni refused to get her hopes up. She was misreading everything and all it did was hurt her more. She waited for Shelby to elaborate.
"It's not what I want."
Toni's heart leapt into her throat. "What do you want?" she whispered, afraid to even ask in case the answer wasn't what she wanted to hear.
A knock at the door broke her out of the moment, colours flashing back into her vision and her heart kicking back into gear. It couldn't be Fatin yet? They must have been nearby. "Someone's at the door," she whispered accidentally, clearing her throat to speak clearer. "I better get that."
Carrying her phone with her she opened the door, expecting to see Fatin with a face of sympathy and a bag of cookies.
"Hi." She heard, both over the line of the phone and right in front of her. The blonde girl fumbled with a piece of paper in her hand, tracing the words on the email, "Toni Shalifoe, right?"
Shelby looked at her expectantly, biting her lip, but Toni could see the small smile that she was fighting.
Toni didn't even need to think about her reaction. She would never turn Shelby away. She couldn't. She had tried one upon a time, but the best she could do was let her go those years ago. Never again.
"Get in here you cheesy dumbass," Toni exclaimed tearfully, pulling Shelby into the room and wrapping her up in a tight hug.
They stood like that for some unmeasurable amount of time, the warm light of the hallway glaring over the threshold as they breathed in the familiar smell of comfort and home for the first time in over a year.
With effort and willpower, Toni pulled away from Shelby, not fully though, she kept her hand against her back, too scared to let her go again. "Can I grab your bags?" she asked, gesturing to the pile of Shelby's belongings sitting outside the door.
They were less pink than before. A little abrasive to the human eye. Green pieces broke up the monotony of Shelby's decor. Toni's side of the room was predominately green and grey so it worked out really well. She pressed her hand into her face to mask the smile that threatened to rise to her face at the thought of how well they complimented each other.
She couldn't believe this day was real, honestly. She fought the urge to pinch herself to prove it, instead choosing to trust herself.
Once all of Shelby's things were in the room, they stood there, unsure what to say.
"I thought you were coming tomorrow," Toni finally stated after a few minutes of uncertainty.
Shelby shifted awkwardly on her feet, her hands playing with each other. "I couldn't wait." She bit her lip nervously. "I really really missed you."
Toni hid her head in her hands, trying to spare Shelby from the tears that rose to her eyes. In an instant hands her on her face, drawing it back up from it's place in her hands. "Hey," Shelby said softly, "Don't hide from me. It's okay. I'm sorry..."
Toni choked out a sob, leaning forward and resting her head on Shelby's shoulder.
"You have no idea how hard it had been to stay away from you," Toni admitted, her bottom sip shaking, she pressed herself harder into Shelby's comforting grip.
"I know, I know," Shelby repeated, almost a mantra. "Trust me, I know."
At that moment, Toni realised that Shelby felt it all too. Felt exactly how she felt then and how she had felt for the past year. The loneliness, the rejection, the grief, the distrust, and the heartbreak. Toni hadn't been alone in it at all.
"Please tell me this is real?" Toni asked, a juvenile, self indulgent question that she couldn't help but to ask for the sake of the side of her that couldn't live without Shelby again. Actually, that was all of her.
"It's real. I promise. I'm here, I'm not letting you go again. It wasn't worth it before... It wasn't worth it at all."
Toni appreciated her words but knew it wasn't true. She understood Shelby's point of view now. She understood it then, too, but was too self-righteous to admit it.
Toni sniffed loudly and pulled away, wiping her whole face on her sleeve. "Fuck, I can't believe you're here."
Shelby's face contorted, her bottom lip shaking dangerously, "I thought I'd screwed things up for good," She choked on the last word, a sob breaking up her sentence.
"We're together now," Toni comforted, her hand reaching out to hold Shelby's firmly, "Whatever that means, we can work out later. But you're here. And that's what matters now."
Shelby nodded, dropping her head onto Toni's shoulder. She wished they would never move from that position again.
One thing was for certain in uncertain times, she was not going to let Shelby go again. Whatever their future held, Toni wasn't going to accept one without Shelby in her life. In whatever way that was. Toni would take anything. As long as Shelby was there.