"I promise to apply aloe Vera on your stretch marks everyday when I get you pregnant" he said smug while the priest looks at him in disbelief
I wonder who was taking the footage, the camera is shaky, and the person behind it whistles in approval of the vow.
What kind of life was a living with this man before he got rich? Were we poor? because what other explanation would there be for this kind of wedding.
We're at home affairs, my family isn't present, it's just us, the priest and this ill mannered cameraman who keeps talking and cheering over us
I have on a blue denim jacket, a short white dress on, paired with white airforce 1s. The faux locks I have on, are tied into a messy bun and I'm staring into this man's eyes with the biggest smile on my face.
He has on black jeans and a grey Tshirt combo and seems confident, somewhat playful. (I wonder if we knew we were going to get married that day, we dressed like we're on an errand run)
I seem in love, it's heart breaking because I can barely remember him, let alone our life together
The courtroom seems too small and cluttered with papers and files that it looks like a shed.
Someone is going to have to explain to me why we got married this way.
I've always wanted a cute ceremony with my family, preferably on some destination if not at a cute chapel
"And I promise not to mind when your hormones make you hate me, or when you eat the food off my plate even though you have your own. You're my best friend, my family and the best thing to ever happen to me.
I promise to grow and change with you provided you don't stress me into an early grave"
"Molefe!?" I playfully smack his arm when he says this
"You think I don't know about the online shopping? And the excessive butter you use when cooking for me? At least I'll die well fed" he says laughing
"Sickness and in health is covered then" the priest says with a smile
"Yeah, guess that's all folks. Your turn" he says smiling. He looks so happy with himself I can't help smile back as I watch our wedding day video
"I love you, and it'll never change, so please my brother, don't make me regret this decision I'm taking today" I say
"Bathong wena Lerato!!" The cameraman says dramatically
Jay is laughing and the priest is shaking his head in mild confusion and disappointment.
As funny as it is to watch, what kind of vows are these, I barely recognize myself, I seem carefree and goofy.
Not at all who I am right now or the person I thought I was before the memory loss. The feeling of happiness is now foreign to me and it's overwhelming how much I crave it now, I feel like I no longer can get happy, not as happy as this spring chicken version of me I'm staring at.
Jay hugs me while still laughing, I can't hear what he's whispering but I blush and hide my face deeper into his neck after my unnecessarily short vow.
This is the man I ran from? Just to go and be with Thabo who barely held me, let alone make me feel safe in his energy the way this man seems to make me feel. The love is evident even through this old wedding video
This is not at all how I pictured my wedding but I look so happy, I can't help think, it was the best way to do it.
It's strange knowing someone loves you when you can't return the love because God knows I want to love and be loved.
These past few months have been hell, memory loss aside, I lost my parents, my sister dissappeared and I don't even know how to do my job.
I'm sure they kept me for this long out of pity
I just want to be held and told that everything will be alright, that I don't have to do this life thing all by myself. Why did Jay leave me? Even if I couldn't remember him? It's not like I remembered anyone other than my family
Is it possible we had broken up before the memory loss because what logical explanation can a man have for handing over his wife to another man after all that?
I'm exhausted, other than my fainting into a nap moments, I haven't slept.
It's almost 5 am, after my meal with Danso, I turned the TV on for some background noise before going through things.
This smart TV's pop up gave me options that included previous files, written Lewatle, Lerato, Leano and Us. The Lerato file was 2 and a half hours long and it was hard to watch a happier, healthier version of myself.
I'm curious about Leano and Lewatle but a nag in my heart won't allow me to open the files, somehow I know I'll regret it and the US file is just as hard to watch.
It's like a movie, his laughter pulls at my heart strings. These clips are taken by both of us at different times.
Years worth of evidence of our life together.
From waking each other up, to diffirent vacations, us dancing in the kitchen in the middle of the night. Before the wedding clip played, I replayed a dance battle we had in the bedroom.
I'm sure I watched that 16min clip more than 3 times, each time stopping it when we're about to make love.
I can't believe I have a sex tape that starts off as a dance battle, it's funny but also cringe.
"Woah oh ay okay, you may kiss the bride ke" the cameraman says loudly, the priest looks straight into the camera slightly amused shaking his head
"Are you licensed young man?" He asks but the vocal cameraman has nothing to say back
"Alright then, let's leave the officiating to me"
Jay and I look into the camera as well and burst into loud laughter
"I don't know why y'all are laughing, I should be skinny dipping with snow bunnies instead I'm here" the cameraman man says
Who the hell is he? I don't know if his voice over ruined or made the moment even more special
"By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you, husband and wife. Kiss your wife man" the priest says with a big smile stepping back a bit
With both his hands on the side of my face, Jay looks at me with a small smile. He's whispering and there's no audio of it, it's just us looking into each other. Both Jay and I seem emotional but I'm the only one tearing up.
"Come on Ndoda (man), she doesn't bite"
The cameraman says but no one is paying attention to him now.
I wonder what he said to me because I'm nodding with tears streaming down my face.
We hug tightly with me on my toes, there's a moment of pure silence. Just from this clip alone, I know we were in love, that hey best friend! I got your back, the goofy kind love I've always wanted.
The kiss is a quick peck and afterwards, I run to the cameraman showing him my ring finger before snatching the camera
"We did it!" I scream
A skinny, pimpled face that seems familiar shows up... the cameraman is Peter the nerd!
Peter was at our wedding!?
I wonder if he's closer to me or to Jay because I'm all hugs and the camera is now all over the place.
There's some noise outside the bedroom and my heart races instantly. Danso said there's no one on my floor, my heart races even though I know I'm protected in this house.
I lower the volume and grab one of the many flower vases in this room, then slowly and quietly open the door, just as I step out, he reaches the top of the stairs dragging a small suitcase.
He stops and seems just as startled to see me as I am him, my heart races. I was expecting him around 11 am, I know I look a mess, I want to hold him but I still don't remember him or know where we were in each other's lives before the accident.
He has a questioning stare and points at the vase in my hands and nervously I slowly put it down. He looks nothing like the man on the clips, he looks too old but then again so do I.
A small smile lingers as he slowly walks towards me, leaving his suitcase behind.
"Ha mamazi" he says standing right in front of me. My heart is still racing and I'm not sure what to do or what to call him
"You look old" I say nervously after seconds of awkward silence
The small smile spreads and in no time it's a chuckle
"I've been stressed" he says
"Hope I wasn't to blame"
"Blame is a strong word"
More awkward silence
"I'm guessing this is your bedroom too" I say
"I can leave you to it, if it's best for you"
I look at him frustrated by knowing but not feeling the love I know is here. There's an invisible barrier that's stopping us from acting like the couple on that wedding video.
"I'd rather you didn't"
His smile spreads further when I say this
Oh crap I'm still blocking the way so I step aside so he can enter the bedroom.
He sighs and slowly walks inside, looking at the video still playing on the tv
"This feels awkward, can I at least have a hug?" I ask still by the door, looking down
He wordlessly pulls me to him, closing the door then breathes me in as he holds me tightly. I worm my arms under his t-shirt and hold him around the waist.
He smells and feels familiar, I rarely cry out of sadness, all my tears lately have been of rage and frustration but I'm overwhelmed by the sadness that his presence brings
He feels warm and safe, why did he leave me, does he still love me?
Because I want to love him, I want warmth and some kind of security in my life. With my sister and parents gone, I've been so alone in this state of confusion, why did Jay leave me? What did I do? I know I must have done something. I don't want to let go, he's holding as of he doesn't as well so why did he let me go?
We stay like this for what feel like forever, I don't want to let go but...
"My feet hurt now" he chuckles when I say this and slowly let's go
"Mine too" he says laughing but is teary-eyed
"Why did you leave me?" I ask randomly because he can't get emotional when he's the one that left me when I lost my memory. It's been really hard and in watching our videos I realised that wouldn't have been as hard as it's been if he had been patient with me
I've been battling with this question ever since this morning when i realized he exists
"I didn't" he says seemingly exhausted
"I did something bad, didn't I" I ask
"I did something worse"
Weird, Danso said the same thing when I asked him.
"Do you still love me?"
He takes a deep breath when I ask this
"I love you Lerato" he says then clenches his jaws, looking down
"I will never not love you Lerato" he says serious
"Okay good, we can go to bed then"
He smiles when I say this and part of me wants to hold him again but just the thought of it makese nervous
"Okay wife" and for the first time since this mess started, I smile genuinely as he takes off his clothes and only left with his boxers
"Like what you see?" He asks with a chuckle
"Haven't decided yet" I lie trying to control my blush
"I can still tell when you're lying" he says getting into the covers
The tv is still playing, I can't make out what is being said but we're outside the courtroom, there's us dancing so terribly, it's embarrassing to watch. there's finally a deep kiss
He sleeps with space between us but I crave the affection I know we're both capable of.
I move closer to him, throwing my leg over him and resting my face on the side of his chest
I'm happy he chooses to wrap himself around me instead of pushing me away
"Welcome home babazi"
"I'm glad to be home" he says kissing my head.
For the first time since I can remember, I sink into a deep uninterrupted sleep
‐---‐-----------------------------------------------------------------
'Mamazi!!!'
I feel a small figure jumping on me, it's a rude awakening
'Gooooooooomoneeeey'
'Shhhh, let's leave mamazi for now, she's tired' it's Jay's voice but it's in hush tones almost like he's whispering
'But babazi I want kisses'
'You'll get them as soon as she wakes up'
'I'll take him out for breakfast, MamCele has Leano. We'll see you later' Jay says close to my ear still whispering. There's a warm and damp kiss on my cheek
'Hey, how come you can kiss her and I can't' the child's voice says loudly, clearly frustrated
'Lewatle shush man. Just one small kiss, don't wake her' Jay's voice says still in hush tones
'Your eyes are moving a little but I won't tell babazi you're awake' the little voice whispers in my ear before kissing my cheek as well
I gilt awake with a heavy chest, I have children! I know it for a fact now.
For some time now I've been struggling with differentiating my dreams from past memories.
Leano and Lewatle, what beautiful names, they probably weren't my idea because I've always wanted to name my future children 'Naledi , Buang or Sabina' but these names are just as beautiful.
Oh my god!! I have children
"What's wrong" Jay asks with his arms still around me. I feel his pokey member on my thigh
Oh my!
I'm not sure what time it is but it's definitely way past morning.
"I dreamt of Lewatle waking me"
His chest stops moving for a while and I hear him let out a big sigh
"Jay, where are my children, where do they think I am?"
"They're in Kzn with my mother, we can go get him whenever you're ready"
"You're from Kzn? I thought you were Sotho or Tswana?"
His chest moves up and down indicates his laughter...
"Wifey, I'm Tshwana from Polokwane but we have a plot in Kzn" he says chuckling
"Owwwwkay"
I move away from him to lie on my back, it looks like he's been up for a while
"Hi"
"Good morning" he says back with a smile and we just stare into each other's eyes for a while.
Funny thing is, as strange as the past 24hrs have been, there's nothing akward about the silence, it feels like a good deep breath out
"Now what?" I ask feeling shy
"We eat but god I missed you" he says holding me again
"I'm a little angry at you. Why did you leave me by myself, you vowed to choose me everytime but you left when things got tough" I say fighting the anger brewing.
"I didn't leave you, my mere presence gave you hysteria and worsened your memory loss. You'd run away, dissappear for days and be found in the Free State. I couldn't hold you prisoner at your own house." He says slightly tightening his hold
"So you left me with Thabo instead?"
"Yes, I paid him to look after you that's why he barely kissed you and everytime you forced him, he always got a talking to" he says with a chuckle
"What?"
Oh my god!!! Was this man even cheating on me or did I just put him in a fatal situation
"We don't have to talk about this now" he says relaxed
Why does no one (myself included) not care that Thabo is dead!
"Where do my children think I am?"
"At a hospital"
"How long since they've seen me?"
"7 months"
"Help me remember, I want to see my children"
He goes quiet when I say this and just holds me
"You can't leave again Rato, whatever happens from here onwards. Hard as it will be, promise me you won't leave" he says eventually just as I'm dosing off again
"I promise"
I want us to work, I'll keep this promise until he tells me otherwise