Ch Word Count: 4,080
That night, Clementine went to bed with a headache. All those moments lost to time came rushing back to the front of her mind. Not only was she reminded again of the barn, but now she was haunted by the faces of those she lost. They all cross her mind once in a while, every single one. It's as if the universe refuses to give her a break as if it likes telling her that she will never be at peace. If she were being honest though, she wouldn't want to forget them, at least not the ones who helped her; the ones who cared.
She tossed and turned throughout the night, forced her eyes to close, and tried to think of something else, anything else to keep her mind at bay; but it was all too much. She sat upright in her bed a few hours later then let out a sigh. She was getting nowhere. Maybe it was time for a change of scenery. Clementine looked over at AJ, sleeping soundly in his bed. At least he was fast asleep, she didn't want him to worry about her.
One leg touched the ground, and the other she looked at. She gently felt around the newly replaced bandages and then felt the end of her leg. It was healing well, especially given her circumstances of not having a real doctor around to give her the right medication or advice. It was still unpleasant to look at or to touch, to say the least. The pain wasn't nearly as bad as it was when she first woke up over a week ago but it still ached, especially if she walked too much. She swung the leg over the side and then bent over to grab her crutches. As she walked towards the door to take a midnight stroll, she took one last look at AJ. He was so cute when he slept, he would totally hate her if she told him that to his face though. She quietly chuckled to herself then left the room.
It was fairly quiet that night; only the distant sounds of walkers near the camp Javier gave the warning shot at were heard, it could have been worse. In the little spaces between the trees, she could see the tiny sporadic lights twinkling about; the sky was always bright with stars. The one decent thing about being in an apocalypse, she supposed, was the lack of light pollution or pollution in general. Without humans operating the world, there was nothing keeping mother nature from healing the Earth one step at a time.
She slowly made her way down the steps, appreciating the cool air, and took a deep breath. Life will always be chaotic, bad things are inevitable in this world, she knows that, but at this moment right now she couldn't have been more grateful for the school and the people in it. She decided to focus on the good instead of the bad for now, a little positivity couldn't hurt every once in a while. She slightly scoffed to herself at the thought. Positivity was a dyeing word in her vocabulary.
She walked a little way out in the courtyard before hearing the sound of an arrow whizzing outside the gate which put her on edge real quick. She instinctively hunched down before she realized it came from the lookout post. She let out a breath and then rolled her eyes. She groaned a little at her dumb reaction knowing full well that someone was on lookout 24/7, but hey... she forgot. And when she realized who it was, she was doubly annoyed with herself, it was Louis. She wouldn't have heard the end of it if he had seen her being an idiot, out and about when she should be resting. Maybe she could shrink back out of view before he notices.
"Clem?" Louis cut through her thoughts. Her heart jumped at the sound and looked up to see him staring at her. Well, so much for staying out of sight. "What are you doing up?" he leaned over a little, concern evident in his voice. Clementine walked closer to the post so they didn't have to talk loudly.
"Um," she shrugged. "Couldn't sleep?" She could see his questioning look even in the darkness.
"That sounded more like a question. Wanna come up?" He held out his hand for her crutches, which she obliged to. "I can help you up."
"No, no. I've got it." She managed to hop a little way up the ladder before using her good leg and arms to hoist herself up the rest of the way. Louis looked at her impressed.
"Damn. I don't even think I could've done that. I would've asked for your hand." He chuckled a little.
"Well, you earn a muscle or two when you're trying to live. Especially when you're swinging axes, climbing mountains or stairs, or running for your life." Huh, she thought to herself as she maneuvered into a crisscross position. It's wild how normal the new way of living had become. She smiled halfheartedly at the thought, Louis mimicking her movements. They both stayed quiet for a minute. Clementine knew he was staring at her waiting for a response, but she didn't even know if she wanted to talk about it.
"So," he began gently. "What's keeping you up?" She nodded, mostly to herself, before closing her eyes. Maybe this is good. Maybe it's time for her to open up a little bit more to her people, especially to the one she gets butterflies from when he calls her name or gives her a warm smile that seems to light the way through the darkness in her mind, feelings that sparked a strange fear in the depths of her soul. She opened her eyes and looked at him.
"Nostalgia... the past." She eventually said. He silently nodded, his lips downturned, no doubt thinking of his own inner turmoil of the past. She fiddled with her fingers as she thought up what to say next. "I'm..." she hesitated, unsure if she should bring up all of her past, afraid she might scare him away. She felt his hand fall onto her shoulder which made her look fully into his eyes. It surprised her how much she trusted that gaze and how much kindness radiated from him; it practically took her breath away.
"Hey, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. We can just sit in silence if that's what you need or change the subject." He smiled sweetly and squeezed her shoulder with reassurance. He was giving her a way out which only made her heart flutter more. How can someone always know what to say? She reached her hand up and grabbed his hand from her shoulder and began tracing the lines on his palm, just something to do while she opens up and he doesn't seem to mind as he sits there quietly.
"Thank you but I think I need to talk this out with someone and...I trust you." She glanced at him, seeing his small smile and a nod for her to continue.
"I'm always here to listen and, if needed, I can keep this confidential." She giggled a little.
"What are you, my therapist?" He let out a short, breathy laugh.
"If you need one then yes, but I'd like to think of this as an understanding boyfriend ready to listen and help my girlfriend heal." He clasped her hand in his and slowly brought it to his lips, kissing the back of her hand gently before putting their hands back onto her lap. She wasn't expecting that. They haven't quite established the boyfriend/girlfriend term yet so hearing that confirmation come from his mouth was exhilarating yet a bit terrifying, but she wasn't about to let the latter emotion damper the gesture. She couldn't help but smile at it all which was not lost on him.
"Okay," she sighed, her smile slowly faltering as the weight of the conversation took its place. "I've got to warn you, my story isn't pretty. I'll understand afterward if you... don't want anything to do with me." the thought crushed her soul and broke her heart but she didn't want strings attached, she didn't want a forced relationship. If feelings were lost, she'd be okay with it. Her words took him off guard, his silence was more than enough to glean that much. So, she didn't wait for an awkward response, she cleared her throat and began.
"Um... I've done bad things. I can't lie and I won't, I-," she doesn't know how to phrase it so she sighs and starts over. "Earlier today, I spoke of a place called New Richmond. It was a large town made into a haven, or at least I thought it was a haven at the time. I should have seen the signs, that place was never in the right hands but I...AJ needed somewhere safe to grow up in, somewhere to call home." She felt tears try to surface from her eyes but she took a deep breath and began to blink rapidly to keep them down. She let her jacket slide slowly down then lifted the hem of her shirt sleeve to reveal the branding of the New Frontier. "I let them brand me to be seen as one of them. I hoped it meant that we were done running and that the pain would be worth it." Louis gently traced the seared-in markings, wincing at just the thought of being burnt to this extent.
"The New Frontier," he said quietly, piecing together bits of the story from earlier to what information she was giving him now. "It wasn't worth it." He finished his thought slowly and she nodded her head in response.
"AJ, he got really sick. I thought he was going to die and the thought made me panic. He was the only real family I had left and I couldn't let him die. I pleaded for medicine, I pleaded for help and all they could give me was a small dose of medicine that wasn't enough for anything. They refused to treat a sick, innocent toddler and that made me furious." Her anger seeped through her words as the tears she felt earlier faded away, furrowing brows taking their place. Louis noticed the shift in body language, so he placed his hand back into her lap and stole her hand again, squeezing it to remind her that she was okay now, and AJ was safe. Her face softened almost immediately at the interaction. She stared at their intertwined hands, too embarrassed to look back up.
"Sorry." She said quietly, trying to retain her rage. She saw out of the corner of her eye, Louis shaking his head slightly.
"You don't have to apologize, you deserve to be upset at such a harsh experience."
"Do I?" she whispered to herself. "When I figured out that they had sent him away to a disclosed location and told me that I wasn't fit to care for him, that I was a threat to his life, that was it. That was my breaking point. I went through hell and back for this little boy. I raised him as my own, clothed him, fed him, taught him, and did everything I possibly could to make him feel happy and safe and they had the audacity to say that to me. Make that choice for me?" Her voice finally cracked under the pressure and she held her good leg up to her face in a last-ditch effort to hide what obviously was there. "He is my everything." that's all she needed to say for Louis to understand everything and for Clementine to lose herself to the streams of pent-up grief. They were silent tears mostly, aside from the slight sniffle here and there. She couldn't even remember if she had time to cry over her loss back then, there was no processing in the moment, only rage and vengeance. She needed this.
"I lost my morales. Mercy wasn't on the agenda. I made stupid choices, and killed tens of innocent people for what, supplies, answers? At one point I had adopted this new personality in hopes I'd instill fear in people so that I could get my way. I was fucked up," she wiped the tears from her face, a layer of dirt she hadn't realized was there smeared from her hand. She quickly blotted the rest of her face with her shirt, oh how she missed showers. She glanced back at Louis who still intently watched her, patiently waiting for her to move on. "Everything changed though," she finally said. "when I met Javier. He was a beacon of hope. I didn't see it at first but the longer I was in his company the more I began to trust him and the closer I actually got to finding AJ and the next thing I knew, I had the answers I'd been looking for. I fought to get to him and then... I found him, I did it," her voice strained with the effort to talk. "But at what cost?" It physically pained her to think of the innocent lives that ended as they crossed her path. Some were accidents, some were out of spite, and some were misunderstood. She regretted everything she had become during her time alone and Louis could see that pain evident in her body language and every strained word that left her mouth. He could only reach out and squeeze her arm or hand or leg in hopes that she might find comfort and resurgence in it. Clementine needed to go on, forcing herself to explain what keeps her up at night, why she was the way she was.
"When I arrived, it... the place was on fire. I don't even know why or how but I didn't care, not at the time. I just wanted AJ." she paused as the familiar images raced through her head, those same ones she always woke up from with heart palpitations and sweat. "They were just trying to protect the kids and I..." she had to stop as a sob threatened to punch its way out of her system. She shut her eyes tightly to stop the memories but when she opened them back up it was almost as if she could smell the smoke again, hear the screams, witnessing the chaos. Dark skies, red everywhere, and screams erupted from the large building in front of her. She could feel her chest begin to constrict, and breathing suddenly felt painful. The barn in front of her shimmered for a moment making her feel dizzy before she was holding that gun again, shooting at the people who cared for AJ, for so many other kids. Monster. The word pounded throughout her skull. You hurt him, they were all right. You're no mother material, you're dangerous, disgusting. She watched as she murdered people, not just from the barn, out of anger, desperate to find her family again. When she fell to her knees in a heap of tears she heard the final shot. Slowly looking up, she saw the terrified look AJ wore when she had accidentally shown him the death of his caretaker. Then his face shifted from fear to anger, and his face Morphed to the present AJ.
"I knew you were a monster." He said callously. No. No, I- Clem tried to reach out to him but stopped at the feeling of a hand touching her shoulder. She looked up to see Lilly. She smiled knowingly.
"Maybe we aren't so different after all." She laughed as she dug her fingers into her shoulder then was abruptly silenced by a bullet through the center of her head. Her body fell over Clementine who had to push her off to the side. Still, on her knees, she turned around to look at the perpetrator who was none other than AJ himself yet not him simultaneously. His eyes were bloodshot, dark, and so, so wrong. Without another word, his emotionless face turned to gaze at Clementine, or rather through her than anything. She pleaded for him to snap out of it, to realize his actions but it fell on deaf ears and so... he pulled the trigger. The sudden shot plopped her back into reality without her realizing it. She tried to pry away the sudden feeling of a hand on her shoulder, a sob expelling from her in a way even she didn't recognize.
"Clementine! Hey, you're okay, it's not real!" She stopped struggling to get away as his words finally registered in her head. Her eyes blew wide as she realized whatever was happening had ended. She was breathing sporadically as looked around at her surroundings, trying to comprehend where she was and what had just happened. Then her eyes landed on Louis who also looked equally as panicked as she did. His eyes closed for a moment as he let out a breath. His hands were firmly around her wrists. "Clem?" He asked gently. She could only stare at him, words failing to form as she concentrated on her breathing and the feeling of his hands, and the slight breeze that cooled her clammy skin. "Do you need Anything?" She heard him ask but his voice sounded so distant. All she could think of was what had just happened and then trying to distract herself with the things she could feel. Eventually, she felt herself relax, she hadn't noticed how tense she had gotten and her muscles ached from the position she kept for so long. She repeatedly blinked her eyes and her breathing was much calmer than before. She focused her eyes back onto Louis who still kept his gaze traced on her, his thumbs tracing random squiggles on the back of her wrists.
"Can you hear me?" He asked clearly, noticing as her movements became more controlled. She nodded her head slightly which made him smile. "Good. Is there anything I can do to help you?" She honestly didn't know how to answer that. She was so confused about what had happened but didn't know how to go about it or what to do now. She still felt... floaty and dazed. Did she need something?
"Keep doing what you're doing." That is all she could think to say. His hands-on hers were surprisingly helpful. The more she concentrated on the sensation of his touch, the more clarity seemed to find her way. She was afraid to close her eyes again for fear of experiencing that again so she kept her eyes trained on his hands. After the hum of her dazed mind finally subsided, the cruel realization of what had transpired made her feel sick to her stomach. The look on Louis' face when he realized she was back to reality settled into her mind and she felt terribly sorry and embarrassed and sick and so, so tired. These emotions welled up inside her until it was made known to her that she was indeed crying by the wet tears falling onto her hand. She quickly pulled her hands away from Louis and covered her eyes, wiping them dry quickly, then moving away from him. Why was she such a mess? She made a fist and covered her mouth in an attempt to keep the bile down and took deep breaths, she needed to leave.
"Clem?" She couldn't look at him. "Hey, it's okay. I've seen my fair share of flashbacks. I grew up in a school for troubled youth, remember?" Clementine's mind stopped racing as his words registered in her mind. She didn't know how to react to that, a flashback? Makes sense but also so terrifying. She finally looked at him, he smiled softly, and the ache in her stomach subsided a bit.
"I'm sorry," she said through her sniffles. His face went serious and he instantly started to shake his head.
"Sorry? You don't have to apologize for something out of your control. Was...has this ever happened before?" he asked cautiously. She shook her head no.
"Usually it's nightmares," He nodded. "Oh, God." She hated everything about right now, how vulnerable she felt, how much she wanted to cry and disappear. "I hate this." She said quietly as her head fell back into her hands. Louis looked like he understood where she was coming from. As if her senses flipped back on, she heard a few growls below them at the gate. A small group of walkers had strayed away from the hoard that made their way through the woods. Had she made too much noise? Louis noticed her attention shift to the sounds and grabbed his bow from beside him. He stood up to take aim, one by one, the walkers dropped to the ground with a soft thunk.
"I'll get the arrows in the morning," he gently put the bow down. As he was about to sit back down in front of her, she grabbed his hand, both cold from the chilled night air, and looked up at him.
"Help me up?" he didn't hesitate at all as he lifted her with ease. She held onto him for balance, gripping his tan coat. She just needed better access to the cooler air and perhaps a better sense of being grounded in reality. He let her hop to his side, one hand on his forearm, and looked out into the silhouetted trees. A few stragglers gurgled about in the distance, and for a moment, she forgot she should be afraid of them. They seemed peaceful as some stared into the treetops. Clementine looked up and took a deep breath; a cooling sensation filled her lungs. Life will never be the same, and she knows that from here on out her life will always be a struggle, but one thing will always be clear, she wasn't alone anymore.
"Thank you for being here," she said before she could convince herself not to. She turned towards him, the moon illuminating him ever so slightly.
"Well, you're the one who came up here in the first place," he smiled. "I didn't do much."
"What?" Clem's eyebrows shot up. "Didn't do much? I'd say helping me calm down from the aftermath of a flashback did something. You dork." she hit his shoulder, her face scrunched into a pout.
"Ow!" he laughed. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. He was always so dramatic. She opened her mouth to tell him how helpful he was in the last week but a yawn stole its place. When the heck did she get this tired? It felt like her whole body could collapse if she even closed her eyes. Louis steadied her from doing just that and picked up her crutches for her. "I think you should get some good sleep, Clementine. You deserve it. I'll help you down." Clem guessed it had to have been her mental breakdown earlier that drained all of her energy, but she felt like she had more to say to Louis, and yet her body threatened to betray her as another yawn took her words away. She watched as he climbed down with her crutches first then motioned for her to climb down too. She hopped down each rung, Louis behind her in case she slipped from her now foggy brain. Once she was on the ground, she placed the crutched back under her arms and sighed.
"I didn't realize how tired I had gotten, thanks... for everything."
"Of course, anything for you. Um, need me to walk you the rest of the way?" he asked, lacking his usual assurance.
"I think I can manage. Goodnight Louis." she smiled. He wished her sweet dreams and began to walk away, but something just didn't feel right about this goodnight ritual; something was missing. She stopped in her tracks and turned back around. "Wait, Louis." He spun around with a "hm?" and she grabbed his collar and brought him in for a kiss. It was a quick kiss full of nerves on her end. She still wasn't used to it all but it felt right. He looked bewildered for a split second before breaking into a grin.
"Couldn't leave without a goodnight kiss?" He chuckled slightly.
"Don't ruin it."
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Hey to anyone who's still around, probably not anybody but for those who read in the future perhaps, I want your thoughts on the flash back portion of this chapter. Is it in character? Does it feel right? Is it accurate? Please, I am open to feedback! Thank you.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter!