Arzoo
As time passed, I made terms with whatever happened. This marriage ends. My life doesn't. My undergraduate degree was not helping me in Amsterdam. I was desperate for a job and so I was open to any opportunity that paid well. I simultaneously had to look for a new place to move in but Atif assured me he'll take care of that. The job hunt was draining but was moving with full determination. A week later, I finally got a job. I got a job as a florist in our neighbourhood flower boutique. I informed Atif about it and he was happy for me. 'Where?' he asked. 'bloemenweelde' I replied. 'It's a nice place' He gave a quick review.
'By the way, I have good news too' he said.
'Actually two' He added.
'A very happy day this is I suppose' I said to him and chuckled. 'The second good news is that you've got a house to live post separation' He said. 'Where?' I asked as relief took over me. Both my problems were solved at once I thought to myself.
'Next door' he replied instantly. I looked at him like I knew he was joking. He reassured me it was true. 'Couldn't find any in such a short span' he said. 'You know I can't afford it' I said as I turned towards him demanding an answer. 'It's fine, I've paid the advance' he replied. 'Why?' I asked as frustration took over me. 'Because it's a new country for you, it would be better if you stick around' he said as he loosened his tie. 'You know I can't afford it and still, you got it? And a house next door to yours?' I sighed as I started getting furious. 'Look I know you can't afford it. That's why I have paid the advances. You don't have to worry about for the next six months-' Wha- 6 months?' I interrupted. 'Why would you do that? I can take care of myself' I defended.
'If this is your second good news I can only imagine what your first one would be' I said sarcastically out of irritation. 'Our separation' he said as he took out a few papers from his file.
'The separation process has started. This is a joint application for divorce that needs to be submitted' he said as he kept the papers on the table. 'I've already signed it. You can take your time and sign. Everything comes to an end with this. After this, in a couple of weeks, we'll be officially separated. You'll need a place to stay. You can stay next door. It's your house now. I would never interfere' he spoke in a convincing tone.
I took a moment for myself. I looked at the papers on the table. I reached out for the pen from the side table leaning forward to sign. I paused.
'Growing up we were always taught to hold on for others, let go for others, speak for others, endure for others... How weird, why didn't anyone ever teach us to do anything for ourselves?' He asked a question that I had no answer to. 'Today teach yourself the most important lesson of your life. Teach yourself to choose you' He said.
'No one's ever going to teach you that if not you' He added as he shrugged with his hands in his pocket.
I listened to him attentively and what he said hit me hard. I signed the papers in front of him and he kept the next-door keys on the table. Looking at the keys I thought how in a second everything between us was over. It was strange that my parents came to my mind before signing the papers. It was stranger that it didn't stop me.
I choose myself, my happiness, myself over my family and this marriage. It felt weird but felt relieved. Like I was reincarnated and had a brand new life to start from scratch.
I moved next door immediately. There was no point staying with him when I had a place for myself. There wasn't a lot to do because it was already a full furnished apartment with everything that anyone could possibly ever need. I only had to move in with my personal belongings. It only took a day to move. I did it myself when Atif was at work. While packing my stuff I found a button stuck on my sweater. I recalled and realized it was Atif's from the day I passed out. I decided to keep the button with me. I waited until he came back from work the next day. 'I've moved' I said. He looked at me with slight astonishment. 'Already?' He said. He soon smiled at me and said 'I'm happy for you'
'Thank you for everything you've done. I shall return your debt soon' I said. He nodded in agreement. 'So? What's next?' I asked trying to have a proper conversation for the last time. 'Is Maheen going to move in?' I asked as he was struggling to answer. 'I don't know' he laughed. How he always has this laugh on his face when her name comes up I thought to myself. 'We haven't talked about that yet' he added. I forced a smile and said 'Well, all the best'.
I moved into a new place. It was such a great vibe. I laid on the bed and thought of how everything has changed so quickly. I hate to admit it but it feels safe to know that he's next door. I was told to be in the store early in the morning so I forced myself to sleep. For the first time, I woke up very early. I wondered if Atif has woken up yet. It was probably too early for him I thought. I wore my best outfit for my first day. As I left, I looked at his door and understood he hadn't left for work. I sighed and stepped out.
It was a beautiful morning; life gets better with acceptance. I had accepted my life and the way it was. Amsterdam looked beautiful for the first time. It was spring, and the roads were topped with various types of flowers like a cake garnished with fruits. I reached the store and met my manager. She was a sweet lady who trusted me completely with my job. I arranged all the aisles and made sure everything was perfect. The clock hit 8 and I flipped the board open. There were no customers. I sat there flipping through the encyclopaedia of plants and flowers. Fifteen minutes later, the door opened with a clinking noise. I immediately got up dusting my apron. I was happy and all ready to receive my very first customer. I hid my nervousness behind a beautiful smile. Sunshine shone behind him making me unable to see his face. A tall man walked in with his hands in his pockets. By the looks of his body language, I knew who it was. It was Atif. My smile froze on my face as he walked up to me with a soft smile on his lips. 'Hello' he said pretending to be a customer 'How can I help you, sir?' I asked him to treat him like a customer as well. We exchanged smiles realising how silly we are. 'Which of these are the best?' he asked pointing towards the aisles filled with various types of flowers. 'Umm...' I cleared my throat and struggled to speak glancing over the encyclopaedia. 'Okay, give me tulips' he quickly concluded. 'Sure' I smiled and quickly jogged to get his tulips. Reaching there I realised they are in many types. 'Which one?' I asked hesitantly. 'Give me the yellow ones' he smiled. I exhaled in relief as he simply said the colour and not any biological term as in their description. I packed and handed over his tulips to him and thanked him for his purchase. He paid thrice the price of the flowers and left with a smile. I looked at the money and looked back at him as little did I know my first earnings would be from this man. I thanked him and looked at him leave smiling like he was the happiest man on earth. Maheen is going to have a beautiful day I thought to myself as I watched him disappear towards his car.
My attention shifted towards rearranging the tulip aisle and just then I heard a screeching noise followed by a noise that sounded like a huge crash. The alarm of the cars started ringing that grabbed attention of everyone on that street. I ran outside the store dropping all the tulips behind me. A car skit and crashed into another. The screams of the ladies around were only making it worse. Horror and fear filled the air. My heart pounded out of my chest as my eyes desperately searched for Atif. My hands trembled as I moved the crowd aside. I had a glimpse of the car, a metal grey Audi, it was Atif's car. I pushed everyone and stood in front of the accident scene. I couldn't feel my body below my waist. Atif was crushed between two cars and laid covered on the bonnet. His face was covered in blood. He fell onto the ground like a branch of a tree as the car was pulled back. He fell to the ground that was scattered with pieces of glass. His hand still held the tulips that were now soaked in thick red blood. I ran towards him as I let out a loud cry. I kept him on my lap as I screamed for help. 'Call an ambulance!' I yelled from the top of my lungs. His face was pierced with multiple glass pieces. I cried. I cried looking at him like that. The sky that was beautifully clear this morning looked dark now. The clear road now turned red and disgusting. I recalled the time I told him.
'If you ever see me dying in the middle of the road, please let me die. I'd rather die than be touched by you'
'No no no' I mumbled as I sobbed. 'I'm sorry for saying that' I said to him. 'I'm sorry' I repented and wept. He groaned in pain as tears continuously gushed down from the side of his eyes. With his shivering hands, he gave me the tulips and in a husky tone he mumbled 'For you'
'For you' he repeated as he groaned in pain. 'Atif No' I cried as I held his face to my heart and caressed his hair gently with my trembling fingers. 'You're going to be okay' I held him close to me. 'I promise' I added looking into his eyes, holding his face gently. He smiled at me despite his suffering, I smiled back at him despite my tears. Moments felt like forever. Soon the world around me stopped when he let out a final groan and closed his eyes with a last drop of tear.
My world started falling apart little by little. He was in my arms, a moment that I dreamt very differently of, this was far away from what I expected. He was in my arms but fighting for his life. I never thought I would embrace him in a situation like this. 'Atif' I whispered his name between my weeps. I heard the ambulance rushing towards us. Everything happened in a flash. I was too numb to move. The stretcher was pulled out and he was being taken away from me. His hand fell out of the stretcher as his grip loosened from my hand. He was gone. And I stood there watching him go.
Be careful of what you say,
You will never know when your careless words turn into scary realities.