𝙸 𝙲𝚊𝚗'𝚝 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚜

𝚂𝟹𝙴𝟷𝟷: 𝙳𝚞𝚗-𝙳𝚞𝚗

Inspired by Community S3E17: "Basic Lupine Urology."

Frank POV

New Rome Community College is represented by two separate yet equally important groups of people: those who know the education is a complete joke, and those who care about their biology projects. These are their stories.

Frank takes a picture of the scene at hand. "Who could have done such a thing?" he mutters as Bob the janitor sweeps away the remains of his study group's terrarium. It's not just any terrarium. It's worth half their final grade. That's about twenty percent of their overall grade in the compost bin—literally, assuming Bob can get all the glass out of the remains.

"Thank you for reporting this," he says to Bob.

"Yep! Happy to help!" Bob says. He goes back to sweeping while humming a gentle, "Sweep, sweep, sweep!"

Hazel crouches down on the floor and draws a chalk outline of where the crushed terrarium was found at about six o'clock this morning. It's hard to know exactly what time this happened, especially since Bob can't read analog clocks. Go figure.

The classroom has become a full-on crime scene, complete with yellow tape leftover from last year's Halloween party, and photographs of the victim terrarium.

"We're going to find who did this, Frank," Hazel says. "There will be justice."

"You're right," Frank says. "And I know just the place to start."

✎✎✎

The dining hall fills up fast on a rainy day, which means two things: there's a significant lack of entertainment from outdoor drum circles and Frisbee games, and seating fills up fast. That means that the likes of Percy Jackson can be found sitting with the likes of Chiara Benvenuti and the Stoll brothers watching Holly and Laurel Victor thumb wrestle across a half-booth-half-table.

"One, two, three, four, I declare I thumb war..." the Victor twins chant in unison.

"Five, six, seven, eight," Travis Stoll chimes in as he collects bets in a mason jar.

Percy throws a wrinkled dollar bill into the jar and then takes a sip from his blue raspberry Kool-Aid Jammer. That guy doesn't need alcohol to have fun. He only needs juice pouches. Frank wonders what his tolerance is like. Does Percy even know what a sugar high is anymore?

Hazel clears her throat and hooks her sunglasses on the neck of her blouse. "Jackson, Percy?"

Percy chuckles. "Levesque, Hazel?"

"We just need to ask you a couple of questions if you'll come with us."

He pulls his dollar out of Travis's jar. "I'll catch you guys in the next round," he says before following Hazel and Frank out into the hallway.

Frank opens the voice memos app on his cellphone and presses record. "Where were you last night?"

"That's a little vague, but I'll do my best," Percy says. "Hmm, so I was supposed to check in on the terrarium. Only thing is I forgot and didn't get to the lab until about eleven at night."

"What were you doing that made you forget?" Hazel asks.

Percy clicks his tongue. "It's so stupid guys..."

"It's important that we know this," Frank says.

"I was in my apartment looking at pictures of different freshwater fish online. Estelle—that's my little sister—really wants a pet fish, and I'm trying to find one that's pretty enough for her, but that'll also be easy enough for her to care for on her own."

"Percy, isn't your sister like four?" Frank asks.

Hazel nudges him in the ribs, which kind of hurts, but she's right. Now is not the time to contemplate Percy's decisions.

"Walk us through everything that happened when you went to check on the terrarium," Hazel says.

"The door was locked and the lights were out. Sorry guys, I couldn't get in to check on the project," he says.

"It's okay, man," Frank says. "You did your best."

"Now that you're in the clear, we're going to need to discuss what happened last night," Hazel says.

"Is he in the clear? I mean, he doesn't have an alibi," Frank says.

"We'll get a warrant to check his search history if anything seems fishy," Hazel says.

Despite the clear alarm on his face, Percy can't help but laugh at the fish pun. Nervous laughter. Frank's seen it before.

"Look, I really just walked into the science building, tried to get into the lab, and then left. The door was locked and the lights were off," Percy says. "After that, I went to that coffee shop Annabeth found, Aunty Em's."

"Percy," Frank says, "you need to study for your finals."

"I know," he says, raking his hands through his hair.

Hazel's still all business. "Do you know who might have sabotaged our group's terrarium last night?"

Percy gasps. "Someone sabotaged our terrarium? Oh my god, is Terrance okay?"

"Terrance the turtle was killed in the accident," Hazel says.

He rubs his forehead while muttering to himself. "It's gotta be Nico. He's had it out for me since I hung out with Will at my Super Bowl party."

Of course, it's boy drama. Under normal circumstances, Frank might point this out to Percy, but then again, it's Hazel's brother, and Terrance the turtle met his demise last night. This is a sensitive situation, and it's Frank's job as an investigator to respect that.

Instead, he asks Hazel, "Do you know where Nico is?"

"He'll be at the basketball game tonight," she says.

Frank sighs. Sure, he's a sports fan, but when it comes to basketball, he'd rather watch it at home on television, not in the middle of a loud echoey gymnasium. The food at his house is paid for. The food at New Rome basketball games is super expensive and not that good. He feels guilty because usually, the concession stand is a bake sale for the New Roman Times or some other student organization, but there's something about a homemade Rice Krispie treat that rubs him the wrong way.

He can make the best of this. It'll be like a date and a detective show at the same time—with a little bit of school spirit sprinkled on top. Awesome. Frank can handle this.

✎✎✎

The buzzer is a lot louder than Frank anticipated. The game's only at halftime and he can't see himself tolerating it twice more.

Hazel purses her lips and scans the court through her binoculars, which are a nice touch. They contribute to the undercover cop aesthetic, or do they? Maybe she's not so undercover.

Frank follows her gaze. Lacy, Valentina, and some of the other cheerleaders shake their pom-poms at the crowd as the basketball team jogs off the field, led by their captain, Butch Walker, who's built more like a wrestler than a basketball player.

The cheerleaders replace them in the middle of the court and strike a pose for what Frank assumes is their much-anticipated halftime show. He knows this because he bought Hazel a wristband from their fundraiser the other week, and Valentina was a little too happy to tell him about their performance this week.

Now, Frank can get behind P!nk. She's a total badass, she's a mother, and she makes some great music. However, he can't say "So What" is the first song that comes to mind when he thinks of human pyramids and basket tosses.

Nevertheless, the peppy cheerleaders shake their pom-poms and throw Katie Gardner into the air while P!nk sings about hating her ex, getting drunk, and being a rockstar in no particular order.

"Where's Nico?" Frank asks. "It's weird we're at a major sporting event and haven't seen the mascot."

Hazel nods and keeps looking through her binoculars. She points them toward the makeshift snack bar set up just inside the entrance. A couple of students buy candy from Lou Ellen, who must have been coerced into volunteering. Poor thing.

At last, two male cheerleaders catch Katie Gardner. She's done so many flips midair that Frank's nervous tummy is starting to act up.

But the routine can't be done yet! The mascot still hasn't made an appearance. "Where is he?" Frank asks again. The song is almost over. So sue Frank—he listens to a lot of pop-rock. He admires a powerful woman, okay?

There's no sign of any typical mascot entrance, a human cannon, a banner, nothing.

"Na-na-na-na, na-na, na... He's gonna start a fight!" P!nk sings as the cheerleaders form a tunnel with their pom-poms, most likely for the team's entrance.

Could it be that Percy and Nico are partners in crime? When Percy found out that Frank and Hazel are investigating the sabotaged project, he had to protect his accomplice, so he gave them a red herring! The basketball game is a perfect two-hour distraction that'll give Percy enough time to contact Nico so they can make their getaway and perfect their cover story before the trial! How could Frank have been such an idiot?

"Na-na-na-na, na-na, na... We're all gonna get in a fight!" Just on cue, the mascot bursts through the pom-pom tunnel.

Hazel lowers her binoculars. "Is that Oski the bear?"

Frank doesn't know much about sports, and he definitely does not know what New Rome's latest mascot is supposed to be, but he's smart enough to know that Oski is not New Rome's mascot. That's the mascot from Berkeley, the college Annabeth wanted to transfer to after freshman year.

Why Oski the bear would make an appearance at a New Rome basketball game is beyond Frank. Despite being local, he doubts the athletic department at Berkeley knows of New Rome's existence, and there's nobody on the basketball team with the guts to steal the Oski suit.

"Is that him?" Frank asks.

"Yep," Hazel says.

"Are you sure? 'Cause, that's not our mascot."

"See how he's dead inside?"

Frank squints and then notices the pathetic demeanor with which the mascot weaves through the cheerleaders. He waves to the crowd and poses for a picture with someone's kids.

"Shoot!" Frank shouts as he scrambles to cover his ears. There's no way that ringing from the buzzer will leave his ears anytime soon.

Frank's injuries aren't the worst suffered at this basketball game though. The students running the snack bar probably wish they could suffer from tinnitus instead of being pummeled by the mascot.

He's not sure how it happens. It's probably that Oski the bear tripped over a stray basketball and fell face-first into the snack bar, causing the flimsy table to completely fold in on itself. Homemade treats tumble out onto the gymnasium floor. Packages of peanut M&Ms fly into the air in slow motion, and Billie Ng falls forward into the icy cooler of Diet Coke.

Frank's got a strong moral compass, so he scampers down the bleachers and over to the scene, which is a lot worse up close. The most pressing aspects of the situation aren't hard to identify. He starts by grabbing poor Billie by the legs and yanking her out of the freezing cooler.

"Agh!" she shouts in surprise. After giving Frank and Oski the bear a terrifying death glare, she wrings the water out of her hair and storms off, probably to find a bathroom and some dry clothes.

Frank grabs the mascot by the paws and helps him to his feet.

"Let's see who you really are!" Hazel says in perfect Scooby-Doo fashion. She grabs the mascot by the mask and pulls it off.

Neither of them is surprised to find Nico, but they are surprised by his sudden clumsiness.

"Are you okay?" Frank asks.

Nico snatches his mask back from Hazel. "What the hell, sis? You can't just unmask Oski! Look at the children!"

The children are paying no attention to Nico because the cheerleaders have distracted them with foam footballs they found in Coach Hedge's office.

"The children are fine," Hazel says. "We need to ask you a couple of questions."

"Whatever," Nico mumbles as he follows Frank and Hazel out into the lobby.

Apparently Hazel feels no bias toward family because she questions Nico with the same intensity she showed toward Percy. "Did you check on the terrarium project last night?"

"I-"

"Where were you last night, dammit!" Hazel demands.

Nico tucks his mascot's head under his arm. "Chill out! I had a meeting late last night with the Mars Coed Fraternity about getting some extra funding for GSA. It didn't go as planned," he says, pulling his arm out from the costume sleeve and showing his bandages to Hazel.

"Is that a hate crime?" Frank asks.

"Nah, I did it to myself. Don't arm wrestle against Clarisse."

Frank winces. There aren't many people dumb enough to take on Clarisse in an arm wrestling match.

"Can I drive you to urgent care?" Hazel asks.

"Absolutely not," Nico says. "I'll send you a picture I asked Lacy to take of our terrarium once I get out of this suit. Phone's in the back pocket—you know how it is."

Frank does not know how it is when you're wearing a mascot costume and your phone is trapped in your back pocket, but he figures it isn't pleasant.

Hazel, per usual, is thinking of the case at hand. "Lacy took a picture of our terrarium in a bottle?"

"Yeah, she went to check on hers after the run-in with the frat, and she offered to check on ours since—you know—I probably broke my hand."

"Thanks for your cooperation, Nico," Hazel says.

"Yup."

Hazel opens a package of M&M's candies and offers Frank a handful, which he declines because M&M's make him cranky. He's not ready for his girlfriend to see that side of him.

"So should we go talk to Lacy next?" Frank asks. "She's probably on the bleachers with the other cheerleaders."

"No," says Hazel.

"No?"

"We need to find Annabeth."

✎✎✎

Have you ever seen one of those cop shows where the main characters find an important piece of evidence and then, instead of questioning the source, they bring it to some nerd behind a computer who clicks a couple of buttons fast and says something like "I'm in," or "Bingo?"

That's what Frank has in mind when he and Hazel find Annabeth in a computer lab.

"This better be important," she says. "My architecture project is due at midnight, and I still have to do both digital blueprints and the watercolor design."

"Watercolor design?" Frank asks, only to be ignored.

"Someone sabotaged our terrarium," Hazel says, showing Annabeth the pictures she took at the crime scene this morning.

"Jesus Christ," Annabeth says in annoyance.

"I know, right?" Frank agrees.

She rubs underneath her eye. "No, I mean my contact shifted funny. Ouch."

Frank would rather not talk about eyeballs and things we can put inside them right now.

"Lacy sent Nico this picture of our terrarium in a bottle fully intact last night," Frank explains, showing Annabeth the file from Nico. "We were wondering if you could run an analysis on it, tell us if it's legit, that sort of stuff."

She rolls her eyes and takes the phone from Frank. She zooms in a little bit and says, "The picture was taken after midnight. That's after the lab is locked, so whoever sabotaged the terrarium must have had a key."

"Are you saying Lacy did it?" Hazel asks.

"No, you idiots, she took the picture through the window. See the glare?" Annabeth shows them the picture, and there is, in fact, a glare from the camera's flash.

"Oh," Frank and Hazel realize in unison.

Hazel pulls out her Lisa Frank notebook and crosses out Lacy's name on the suspect list.

"Who does that leave us with?" Frank asks.

"Somebody with access to a lab key..." Hazel says, "or maybe someone who could get one if they didn't already have one."

"Hmm..." Frank looks at the list of suspects. Which of these people could have gotten a key to the lab?

"Maybe instead of distracting me from my project, you could go to the info desk in the student union and take a look at the log," Annabeth says before returning to her work.

"The log?" Frank asks.

"Yeah, they'll sign those keys out to just about anyone," she says. "Damn, the right tower is unstable."

"There are towers in your final project?" Frank asks.

"Yes, it's symbolic of my lacking relationship with my mother. Shut up."

So Annabeth doesn't exactly fit the 'guy in the chair' stereotype, but she got the job done. Despite that, Frank would like to avoid questioning her while she's working on her architecture project ever again.

✎✎✎

They find Juniper at the info desk, wearing the purple New Rome polo and playing online MythoMagic on her phone.

"Juniper," Hazel says all seriously. That's not how you talk to Juniper though. She's shy. If they're going to get any information out of her, they'll need a good cop.

It's Frank's time to shine. 

"Are you excited about the MythoMagic movie?" he asks.

She sets her phone down and acknowledges Frank. "Yes!" she says. "Oh my gods, I can't believe I have to wait until next fall."

Wow, so she's a really big fan. "Me too!" Frank agrees. "Do you think Logan Lerman is going to make a cameo?"

Juniper fingers the green crystal hanging from her silver necklace. "I really hope they cast him as Poseidon, but I'd be happy with a cameo too," she says.

"Agreed," says Frank.

Juniper jumps in her seat. "Oh my gods, I completely forgot I'm on shift. Is there something I can help you guys with? A parking pass? It's usually a parking pass people want-"

Frank doesn't like to interrupt people, but he has to put an end to Juniper's rambling. "Don't worry about it! We need to see the log of who checked out the key to the lab last night."

She purses her lips. "Is everything okay?"

"Someone sabotaged our terrarium in a bottle," Hazel says. "The plants had to go to compost, and the turtle that Percy found in the tomato soup died."

"I think if the turtle was found in the tomato soup, it might not have died of sabotage," Juniper says. "Uh, but that's horrible! Let me pull up the log." She types away on an old desktop computer with a massive monitor. "There," she says. She tilts the monitor so Frank and Hazel can see the list of names.

"There's our guy," Hazel says pointing to the last person who signed out a key.

Frank furrows his eyebrows. "Don't you have to have a New Rome student ID to sign out a key? Hell, don't you need a student ID to get in the buildings after hours?"

Juniper shrugs. "I wasn't the one who gave him a key."

"We'll take it from here," Hazel says as she scribbles something into her notebook.

"Thanks, Juniper," Frank says.

"Pop! Pop!" someone shouts from the student lounge.

"There's our guy. Let's move out!" Hazel says. She starts running towards the lounge.

Magnus is doing a little victory dance next to the foosball table, and Frank starts to recall some horrible memories of Magnus and his partner Alex saying some horrible things to New Rome students. They don't even go here! Don't they have a foosball table at Valhalla?

"Pop! Pop!" Magnus says, raising the roof.

Hazel shows Magnus her student ID for dramatics and then says, "Hazel Levesque. My partner, Frank Zhang," she says, gesturing to Frank. "We'll be out of your hair soon. We just need to ask you a couple of questions."

Magnus scores another goal and then turns his attention to Hazel and Frank. "Pop, pop..."

He takes a seat on the couch, and Frank tries to join him but is quickly stopped when Hazel yanks his arm.

"Pop, pop, cops," Magnus says. "My backpack is green with gold-colored zippers."

"What?" Frank asks.

"Someone stole my backpack. That's what this is about, right?"

Hazel nods and writes that down. "So we're going to need you to recount your steps from last night when you signed out a key to the biology lab."

"And do you still have that key?" Frank asks.

"No," Magnus says. "The key was in my backpack. I never got into the biology lab. Shit, that was for the lab? I thought that was for the athletics closet."

"What were you trying to-"

"Never mind what he was trying to do," Hazel says, effectively cutting Frank off. "Do you have any idea who stole it?"

Magnus shakes his head.

"That can only mean one thing," Hazel says.

Frank agrees. "Stolls."

✎✎✎

"This isn't going to work," Frank says when Hazel finishes setting up the trap.

"You underestimate their stupidity," she says as she props the cardboard box above the bowl of cheese balls.

"But those aren't even name-brand cheese balls," Frank says. "They won't go for those."

"Shh!" Hazel shouts. She grabs the fishing line and takes her hiding spot behind the trash can. "They're coming."

Frank ducks down behind a bench, hoping that they won't be able to see them.

"What do you mean we dug the pit in the wrong place?" Connor asks.

"I mean we dug it outside the tennis courts, not the lacrosse field. You trapped some poor girl!" Travis shouts.

"Did she at least think it was funny?"

"No! You completely ruined her outfit, and Cecil and I had to dig her out. Do you know how bad Cecil is with girls?"

"No, enlighten me, brother."

Travis groans. "He asked her out."

"So?"

"She's engaged."

"Shit. Ring by spring, am I right?"

There's some shuffling, and for a minute, Frank's worried they're going to pass right by Hazel's trap.

"Woah, dude!"

"Dude!"

Got 'em.

"I am in a bit of a cheese ball mood," Travis says.

Hazel yanks the fishing line, and then the cardboard box falls on top of the Stolls. Frank is severely disappointed that it was this easy to lure and trap two college students. They should know better than to eat food off the sidewalk.

Frank gets up and turns on the voice memos app on his phone.

"We're bringing you guys in for questioning," Hazel asks.

And there it is—Magnus's green Valhalla backpack, right on the shoulders of Connor Stoll.

"I plead the fifth!" Travis shouts. "That's right! I know my rights, people!"

Connor elbows his brother. "If you knew your rights, you'd know that we don't have to put up with this." He stands up and brushes the cheese dust off his legs. "Come on. I'm going to spend the last of my dining dollars on some good cheese balls."

"You haven't spent any dining dollars all year," Travis says.

"Damn. I should use those up so Dean D doesn't get my money."

"Yeah."

Hazel and Frank watch helplessly as the Stolls walk off towards the student union, hopefully, to spend their own money on snacks. It's true. They have no actual power, so they can't take Travis and Connor into custody.

Hazel's phone pings.

"Is that the Kim Possible ringtone?" Frank asks.

"Yeah..." she trails off as she reads the text. "Miranda finished the autopsy. Back to the lab."

"Autopsy?"

✎✎✎

So the project didn't go straight to the compost as Bob the happy-go-lucky janitor said it would. Instead, Hazel quietly enlisted the help of Miranda Gardiner, president of the environmental club, to do an autopsy on the demolished terrarium. Frank didn't think there'd be much to draw evidence from, but holy shit was he wrong.

"So first thing first," Hazel says. "Was this an A-worthy project?"

"No," says Miranda.

"What?" Frank asks.

Miranda reads from her clipboard. "I mean, the turtle was a great effort, and I think the professor really would have gone for the different kinds of moss you put in there. I especially was impressed by your soil composure—were those layers you were trying to go for?"

"Yeah!" Frank says. That was his part of the project, so he's allowed to get excited.

"So what's wrong with it?" Hazel asks.

"Other than the obvious smashing of the terrarium, I found traces of... uh... How do I put this?" she mutters to herself.

"Just be blunt," Hazel says. "We can handle it."

Miranda's cheeks turn red when she says, "I found traces of urine in your terrarium."

Okay, so that's not what Frank was expecting to hear. "You mean, like, in the soil and the moss? Because a dog could've just gone on it before I collected it."

"No," Miranda says. "It's throughout. Someone pissed in your project after you finished it, and then it fell to the floor. I can't find enough to tell you if that part is related to the pee incident or not though."

"Let's not think too hard about that one," Hazel says. "It's all coming together now."

"It is?" Frank asks. Maybe it's just that he's having some trouble overcoming the shock of someone peeing in his biology project, but he's having some trouble connecting the dots.

"We've got to find Magnus's backpack," she says. "Any evidence from here on out is precious. Thank you for your help, Miranda. I'm calling our lawyers."

Frank's not exactly streets ahead. "We have lawyers?"

✎✎✎

Yep, Frank is not streets ahead. He and Hazel meet Jason and Piper outside of a pair of lockers. The two of them are dressed in business attire, not unlike lawyers.

"So you're our legal team?" Frank asks.

Jason pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "We're here to run that analysis on the evidence you and Hazel found."

Frank looks to Hazel and mouths, What evidence?

Hazel sighs. "Okay, so here's the thing: we haven't obtained this evidence yet."

"So why are we here?" Piper asks. "We could be researching previous cases at New Rome and getting some justice for Terrance the turtle. You know how much he meant to Percy."

Frank is all too aware of how much Terrance meant to Percy, thanks to an unwarranted string of text messages during the working lunch break he and Hazel took at Chick-fil-A.

"We need to be ready for a trial right away," says Hazel. "One of the suspects is more than likely aware of our investigation, and will be doing anything to cover his tracks."

"Okay," says Jason, "so why are we here?"

Hazel looks at the lockers. "This has something to do with Magnus's stolen backpack. I just know it."

Piper gasps. "You mean we're going to steal it back? That's rebellious even for you, Hazel."

"You don't remember the time she was a pirate? Does anybody remember the time we were pirates?" Jason asks.

"Forget that, guys. Our problem right now is stealing from the Stolls," Frank says.

The others fall silent and look at one another. Nobody seemed to take into account that this task requires stealing from the most talented thieves at New Rome Community College.

Piper pulls a bobby pin from her hair, much to Jason's alarm.

"Woah," he says. "Time out. This is illegal. Illegally attained evidence won't hold in court-"

"Screw it, Sparky. I'm not taking biology again next semester."

The locker makes a clicking sound, and Piper smirks. "Open Sesame... Shit." She pulls the bobby pin out of the hole. It's completely bent. That thing isn't going in anyone's hair anytime soon.

She shrugs like nothing crazy just happened and presses her head against the locker door. "I heard this once in a True Crime podcast. You can listen for the lock combination-"

"Then why don't you shut up and listen?" Jason asks.

"Geez, why so rude?"

"I just don't want us to get caught," Jason says.

Piper smirks. "How sweet." She pulls back from the locker and tugs on the handle. It does not open. "Dammit!" she shouts as she kicks the locker with a clang.

Frank can't stand by and watch this anymore. This is getting ridiculous. They look so shady trying to break into these lockers and he can't bear the thought of getting in trouble. "Excuse me?" he says to Bob the janitor. "Do you happen to have the master key for the lockers?"

Bob the janitor sets his spray bottle down on his cart and asks, "Why do you need it?"

"Oh, uh...." Frank starts. Lying isn't something that comes easy to him. "It's our friends' birthdays, and we were hoping to decorate their lockers."

"Both of these?"

"They're uh, twins?" It pains him to say it because he knows it isn't true, but it's certainly a believable story.

Bob's eyes squint as he smiles. "That is so kind of you, friend. I will let you in."

Jason claps Frank on the back while Bob opens the lockers, revealing the green and gold backpack Magnus described back in the student lounge.

Hazel puts on a rubber glove and rifles through the contents of the backpack. "Lab equipment, an empty bottle of Mountain Dew... this looks like something only the culprit of our crime would keep in his backpack."

"How do we know the Stolls didn't plant this stuff in Magnus's bag?" Piper asks. "They're stupid, but not when it comes to this stuff."

Frank notices some photos in Travis's locker. One shows him smiling on the beach with his girlfriend, Katie Gardner. There's another of him and Connor posing in front of statues in a museum. Frank doesn't know Travis or Connor very well, but what if they're about to accuse the wrong guys?

"Look, there's the key to the lab!" Jason says.

Piper purses her lips. "And you guys said Magnus had the key in his bag, so that means the Stolls took it out and got into the lab."

"They drank Magnus's Mountain Dew and then pissed in our project," Hazel mutters in awe.

"What the hell?" Piper asks. "Nobody told me there was piss involved!" She drops the bag of Tootsie Rolls she found and starts squirting hand sanitizer onto herself in a frenzy.

"What are you guys doing in our lockers?"

Shoot. Frank and the others turn around slowly, still holding the contents of the locker, including Magnus's twice-stolen backpack.

Frank opens his voice memos app and hits record because that's what you do when you're confronting a suspect. "Where did you guys get this backpack?" he asks.

Travis and Connor look at each other, and at the same time, they take off running down the hallway.

"Get 'em!" Hazel shouts. She throws Magnus's backpack over her shoulder and pushes through the women's tennis team to get to them.

Frank keeps the microphone on his cell phone uncovered and runs after them because that's what you do when you're crazy in love. Hopefully, Jason and Piper are close behind because he's not sure he can take both of the Stolls if this confrontation gets physical.

Hazel turns around the corner towards the weight room, which has billiards tables in it for some reason.

The students playing pool scramble to hide their JUULs while the weight lifters struggle to continue their reps in all the commotion.

Travis trips over a barbell and falls face-first to the ground. Connor, who is distracted by Charles Beckendorf's Leg Day exercises, doesn't see his brother struggling and trips over him. It's like a scene from The Three Stooges except there are only two of them. Frank shudders at the thought of a third Stoll brother.

Hazel's lucky the Stolls are on the ground because from where Frank's standing, she looks like an angry marshmallow with her hands on her hips. She's an adorable marshmallow, but still a marshmallow. "Tell us where you were last night!"

"We'll never tell!" Travis says from beneath Connor.

"I'd like to go, now," says Connor.

Frank crosses his arms. "If you can't tell us who sabotaged our terrarium, we'll have no choice but to report you."

Travis and Connor mutter in each other's ears, and for a moment, Frank worries that they've found some sort of loophole out of this one. Whether or not they committed the crime, Hazel and Frank can report them. Hopefully, they find cooperating in their interests.

"We'll tell you who did it," says Travis.

"Oh, that's nice!" says Hazel.

"But!" Connor says. "We'll only tell you if you promise not to report us for stealing Magnus's backpack."

"Go on," says Hazel.

"No," says Travis. "We require a contract."

"I'm recording this entire conversation. Is that not good enough?" Frank asks.

Connor sighs in exasperation. "No, we mean like a symbolic contract."

"Like?" Hazel asks.

In unison, the brothers say, "A pinky swear."

Hazel looks at Frank with an eyebrow raised. He can't blame her for being skeptical. It's ridiculous that these twenty-something-year-old guys are asking them to pinky swear on something. Frank's pretty sure he hasn't pinky-sworn since the kindergarten playground.

"Fine," says Hazel. She locks pinkies with Travis, and Frank exchanges the pinky swear with Connor.

"Your culprit," says Connor, "is Nico di Angelo."

Hazel nods, trying her best to keep a poker face, but Frank sees right through it. It probably isn't easy having a criminal for a brother, and Nico's in their project group because they needed an even number, so that means she has a traitor for a brother too.

Frank probably shouldn't say that to her.

"We're here!" Piper shouts bursting into the room with Jason at her side. "What did we miss? Did we get the Stolls?"

"Come on," Hazel says. "Nico's in the art studio right now working on his ceramics final." Her voice cracks as she leads the group away from the tangle of limbs that is the Stoll brothers.

Frank wants to encourage her with something along the lines of No, it couldn't be Nico, or Nico has more decency than that. The truth is, he can't think of another culprit. Percy can't have done it—he wouldn't be able to handle the study group being mad at him. The Stolls haven't given them any reason to not trust their accusation—they were more worried about Magnus's stolen backpack than anything else.

There truly is no other suspect that fits the bill.

✎✎✎

Nico sits at the pottery wheel, lost in thought, but not in a stressful way. Frank wishes he could make a clay vase as a project instead of a twenty-page paper. The way he sticks his tongue out as he creates ridges along the sides of the wet clay fills Frank with envy.

It's a shame that they're about to arrest him.

"Nico, turn off the pottery wheel," Hazel says, a somber tone in her wavering voice.

Nico looks up from his project. "I need to finish this before-"

"You're under arrest," Hazel says.

"You can arrest me?" he asks.

Hazel continues. "Your hearing is tonight in the pool room."

"Wait, like the billiards room or the swimming pool?"

"The swimming pool," Frank answers.

Hazel's voice cracks as she says, "You have a right to an attorney. If you don't provide one, New Rome will provide one for you."

"I don't understand," Nico says.

"Neither do I, Neeks. Why'd you do it?"

"Why'd I do what?"

Frank facepalms. "You're being accused of sabotaging the terrarium in a bottle project. The hearing is at five because the jury gets picked up at seven."

It's hard to watch Hazel go through this, so Frank has to take one for the team and step in. He knows how much this grade means to Hazel.

Somewhere in the library, Piper and Jason are studying previous court cases and analyzing data.

Somewhere in a computer lab, Annabeth is pouring her blood, sweat, and tears into an architecture project.

Somewhere, Percy is FaceTiming his mom and his sister even though he really should be studying for finals.

Leo is spending the day with Coach Hedge trying to earn extra credit for his nutrition class. Frank hasn't seen him in over twelve hours and is starting to worry as much as he can over his menace of a morning show co-host.

Frank and Hazel have to go through with this for them.

"We'll see you tonight, Nico," he says.

"Yeah, see you then," Nico says. Then, he returns to his floppy project.

✎✎✎

The courtroom is buzzing with students procrastinating on their finals. Why else would someone sit in on a gallery?

Dean D sits at the lifeguard chair, assuming the position of judge.

A guy from Percy's swim team is teaching a lesson in the pool behind the courtroom.

"Hey, we have a problem," Jason grabs Frank's arm, causing him to slip a little in the bleachers.

"What's up?" he asks.

Jason clears some of the fog off his glasses. "We can't use the backpack since it doesn't help our case anymore, so all we have is the testimony from the Stolls and the images from the crime scene, which honestly don't count for much."

"After all that?" Frank asks. "There has to be more."

"Order in the court!" the Dean calls. He adjusts his frilly Judge Judy-esque collar. Only Dean D would dress in drag at a disciplinary hearing.

Jason frowns and then takes his seat next to Piper, ready to defend the turtle corpse in the plaintiff's seat.

"We're gathered here today to celebrate... Whatever! Neil ruined the terrarium and we're going to work out the drama," the dean says. He mumbles something about how he doesn't get paid enough.

"Objection: you spend all your paycheck on Diet Coke," Piper says.

"Shit, you're right, Penny." Dean D strokes his beard. "Neil, do you have a lawyer?"

Nico flips his hair Justin Bieber-style, a habit Frank never really pinpointed until now. "I do not."

"Oh, yes, he does!" A girl emerges from the gallery. She wears a puffy silver coat and a floppy green hat, which is an odd aesthetic.

"Who are you?" the dean asks.

The girl crosses her arms. "Bianca di Angelo? I am an international student from Italia, er... Italy. Why do you Americans change that? I will defend my brother." She speaks with a strong Italian accent.

"Whatever," says Dean D.

"Bianca?" Nico asks. "I thought you were sent to that all-girls school in Italy after the incident with Dad!"

"Sì. But I am back now! And I am in a sorority!"

Frank thought that girl looked familiar. She's the Hunters sorority's newest pledge, although at this point she's probably a full member.

Nico starts again. "You don't have to-"

"Bah! Devo aiutare! This is what famiglia is for!"

"Great," says the dean. "Let's get on with this so I can make my Baywatch marathon tonight. You'll both present your cases before our jury." He gestures to a pile of pool floaties below them. On top of a pink donut-shaped innertube is Lester Papadopoulos, and on top of a flamingo-shaped innertube is Meg McCaffery. Frank supposes the dual enrollment students from the local high school didn't anticipate this being part of their deal.

"These high school kids are going to be our jury since they don't go to school here, and that probably makes them saner than the rest of us," Dean D explains.

They're also a neutral party because they're not actively involved in campus life, but Frank decides not to mention that.

"Alright, brats, call up your first witness," the dean says.

And then the trial is in full swing. Bianca's a really good lawyer. She must have done a lot of research because she insists that Percy be called to the stand and that Miranda be interrogated too.

But Jason and Piper are an amazing tag team. They pull a wide array of twists and turns on just about every claim.

"Signor Jackson is it true you've been giving Signor di Angelo a hard time since coming to campus?" Bianca asks.

"Uh, define 'hard time,'" Percy says.

"Objection!" Piper shouts. Her voice echoes off the walls of the pool room. "A taco is a sandwich!"

It's a weird thing to say, but it works. Bianca is completely flustered by Piper's claim. "Mi dispiace... No. Tacos are not sandwiches. Americans are so strange."

"Objection," says Jason. "Bias towards Americans..." he clicks his tongue.

Dean D bangs his gavel. "Order in the court!"

"Objection: the court never lost order," Piper says.

"Objection: you're speaking about tacos!" Nico says.

Simultaneously, Piper and Jason point to the defendant and say, "Objection: he's talking out of turn!"

Hazel whispers in Frank's ear. "They'd better call the Stolls up before Dean D gets hungry!"

"He's eating on the podium. I'm sure he's fine," Frank says.

"We're calling Travis and Connor Stoll to the host stand, Your—uh—deanness?" Piper says.

Travis and Connor take the witness stand together because the dean has made it clear that he will riot should he miss the beginning of his Baywatch marathon.

Frank's gripping the bottom of his seat so hard he breaks the stale gum stuck to the bottom of it. This is it. This is the only solid witness they have to prove that Nico sabotaged the project and more importantly, save their biology grade.

"We, um, we were going to the biology lab last night when we saw Nico go inside," Travis says.

Bianca asks, "And what exactly were you doing in the building after hours?"

"We can't tell you," Connor says.

"You're sworn to honesty right now," Bianca says.

"Objection: they're not," says Piper.

Dean D groans. "Fine. Do you two brats swear to tell the truth?"

"No!" they say together.

"We're sworn to secrecy by a pinky swear," Travis explains.

Now Frank gets it. They can't tell the court why they were in the building after hours because it has something to do with Magnus's stolen backpack. Now, Connor and Travis's testimony is worthless. They never should have agreed to that pinky swear!

Meg murmurs something in Lester's ear while he strums some chords on his ukulele that sound suspiciously close to "Riptide" by Vance Joy.

Lester nods in reply, and Meg stands up to address the courtroom. "The jury recognizes the pinky swear."

Dean D eats another handful of popcorn because apparently, this is just another episode of Law and Order to him.

Jason and Piper high-five at their victory, which is inappropriate for a courtroom, but Frank's feeling the same way right now.

A timer on Dean D's phone goes off, signaling the end of his tolerance for the trial. "We'll reconvene after a recess."

"How long will that be?" Bianca asks.

"Tomorrow morning after I've gotten through season three of Baywatch," the dean answers. With a bang of his gavel, today's court session is finished, which is fine by Frank because he has a psychology final to study for.

"Study at my place?" Frank asks.

"I might be bringing a sleeping bag if that's okay," Hazel says. "I'm not sure living with Nico is going to be fun tonight."

"Oh, yeah, totally!" Frank's never had a sleepover with a girl before. Forget the psychology final. He's got to pick out some movies for a Disney marathon!

✎✎✎

Frank did not snuggle on the couch over some hot cocoa and have a Disney marathon with his girlfriend. There was hot chocolate, but they only got through about twenty minutes of The Aristocats before the text from Jason came in.

The Hunters are after the Stolls, Jason's text says. They're MIA.

That's terrible news, so Frank and Hazel spent the night going through documents and security footage, desperately trying to find another witness or something that would prove Nico guilty.

Just trust me, Jason keeps telling them. I've got this.

But when has anyone ever trusted a lawyer?

Since Frank and Hazel don't hold much power on the courtroom floor, they're more than a little nervous by the time they take their seats in the bleachers. Frank's not a lawyer. Why did he dress nicely for this? His shirt probably has gross pit stains by now.

"Your Deanness," Jason says, rolling his sleeves up to elbows. "My partner and I request a sidebar with the dual-enrolled jury."

"Granted," says Meg.

"What is this all about?" Piper asks.

The fact that she doesn't trust Jason makes Frank worry even more. Jason talks to the jury in a hushed tone.

Meg stands up and cups her hands around her mouth. "The jury grants the plaintiff's plea for a C."

"What?" Hazel yells. "Jason, we worked so hard for this!"

"I figured this out last night when I took a trip to the lab," he explains.

Piper crosses her arms. "You never told me about this trip to the lab."

"I didn't want to freak you out," he says. "We'd like to rescind all charges against Nico di Angelo because—let's be honest—he doesn't drink enough water to have committed this crime."

"Everybody pees, Jason," Piper says.

"He certainly doesn't drink enough water to have peed in everyone's terrarium."

Everyone, including Dean D, gasps. The swim lesson in the pool comes to a halt. Cecil stops selling t-shirts.

"You mean all the terrariums were contaminated?" Miranda asks from the gallery. "I worked hard on my project."

"How do you know this?" Piper asks.

Jason's cheeks turn red. "I don't know how to use the lab equipment the way Miranda does, so I kind of just opened the jars and-"

Piper gasps. "Oh my god, you smelled the jars?"

"What else was I supposed to do?" he yells. "All of the jars were contaminated except for one."

"Whose project?" Dean D shouts from the lifeguard chair.

Jason turns to the gallery. "Miranda's."

Meg and Lester whisper to one another, and then Meg stands, ready to declare Miranda guilty.

"Wait!" yells Sherman Yang.

"The jury acknowledges this random frat guy?" Meg says although she doesn't sound so sure.

Sherman runs to the front and then takes off his visor. "It was me. I pissed in all the terrariums because I know how nervous Miranda was for her finals, and I wanted her to do well."

"Sherman," Jason says, "you do realize how disgusting that is, right?"

"I just really love my girlfriend."

Miranda calls out, "I love you too, but please can you not express your love with pee? I'd be happy with like, flowers or something!"

Meg shrugs, and while Lester plays another chorus of "Riptide," she says, "The jury finds Sherman Yang guilty of sabotaging the New Rome Seven's biology project, as well as the projects of the other classmates."

"Everyone gets an A!" says the dean. "Great entertainment!"

✎✎✎

"Did you hear?" Hazel asks as she sits down next to Frank in the dining hall. "Sherman is going to have to take biology again next year."

"Oh, uh, I didn't realize," Frank says.

"Yeah, but here's the thing," she says. "Sherman wasn't enrolled in our biology class. He just showed up every period to hang out with Miranda."

Frank scoffs. "I love you Hazel, but don't expect me to audit one of your business classes to spend more time with you."

"What did you say?"

Shoot, he didn't mean to offend her with that. Is that a thing? Do boyfriends audit their girlfriends' classes?

"I mean, I can if you want me to, but-"

She tackles him in a massive hug, like a koala on a tree. "I love you too!"

Oh. He didn't realize he said that, but he guesses it's true considering he didn't even have to think about it.

"Oh, cool," he says. "Do you want to finish Aristocats tonight?"

Hazel draws back. "No, thanks." She kisses him on the cheek. "You have a psychology final to study for."

She really does love him.

"Thanks, Hazel."