TW: Sleep issues; Threats; Knives; Puke; Haphephobia; Identity Issues; Guilt; Grian Gaslights himself (?); Panic attack (?); Murder; Cannibalism; Suicide; Torture; Past Abuse; Past Neglect; Alcoholism; Self-harm; Nightmares;
Grian talks with Etho, while memories of the past run through his mind. He ends up explaining far too much about highschool then he originally intended.
~
Grian didn't want to get out of bed. He wanted to stay laying in the comfort of his bed and drift off into a nightmare-less sleep once more. He wanted to stay in this new found comfort. He wanted more of this, because he knew the nightmares would return soon.
Nightmares of what he did. Nightmares of what happened. Nightmares of what he could lose if it ever came out.
Grian groaned as he sat up. He ached for a comfort from a long time before. The small comfort he got from the parrot stuffie he held above anything.
The small but also immense comfort it gave him, was a comfort that had disappeared when the blue one had died. Because the blue one wasn't weak and never needed comfort. And he had became the Blue one, so he hadn't needed it anymore. Despite his pleading, it had been thrown away.
He frowned as he looked at the shelf. Despite his only childhood comfort being long gone, he'd always kept an area clear for the stuffed blue macaw he'd give the world to hold again.
He stood up and rubbed his eyes as he pushed himself away from the comfort he ached to have once more. Honestly, if he fell asleep again it would be plagued with nightmares as always. He was far too awake anyway.
Walking to his closet, he stretched. His wings thudded softly against his back. He really needed a stretch for his wings, he needed to preen them sometime this week too. His feathers were itchy.
What had Impulse suggested again?
Grian rubbed his eye as he looked in the mirror. He should brush his hair before he goes anywhere.
Etho, right? That had been what Impulse suggested. Etho had issues with touch like he did. And fae were across the island.
Grian huffed as he reached for a brush. Etho - unless fae were buying from Boatem, would be working on faer base. - Plus it was a No Fly Club space. Grian frowned and began brushing his hair.
...
Grian felt bad, but also somewhat relieved. He had been avoiding people on the way to Etho's base. He'd almost ran into the more touchy-touchy hermits, and he felt guilty.
Now as he stepped to Etho's door, he questioned if this was the correct door. Fae did base with Iskall this season - Grian had really wanted to make a gender joke when they first based together, but neither they or fae would get it. Most of the Hermits wouldn't completely get it either. - but Grian was hesitant to continue.
The physical contact wasn't too bad, and he could just deal with it. His friends really didn't need to change the way they acted around him because of... because of this stupid no physical contact. Hell, he had dealt with it his entire life! Why did he even bother telling Impulse... why did he feel guilty that he regretted it...?
Grian sighed before knocking on the door. Even if he didn't talk about his physical contact issues, he could talk with Etho about pranks. As long as that stupid feeling he felt around Impulse stayed with only Impulse.
"Oh, hello Grian." Etho greeted opening faer door.
Grian blinked and smiled to Etho. He had been so caught up he hadn't noticed the door being opened.
"Hey Etho. Uh, I wanted to hang out?" Grian said, pulling at his sweater threads.
Although Etho, X, and Mumbo were the least touchy of the Hermits, he didn't talk with Etho much, only a few pranks and the Mycelium Resistance being the only times they did speak - other then maybe when Grian was restocking and Etho was around. - X usually gave head pats or shoulder squeezes when the Hermits do something xe approve of - Grian and Doc got the least because of how often they broke the server, - or holding someone through a panic attack. Mumbo was a bit more OCD and just disliked physical contact. Etho never liked physical contact, and Grian loosely understood Etho had only touched one person, and it was when Ren was having a sensory overload and it was just long enough to put earplugs in and give him a blindfold.
Etho raised an eyebrow, but moved to let Grian come inside. Grian smiled and followed the Ninja inside, before smiling as he noticed the somewhat cluttered space. It made it a bit more comfortable for Grian, in most of the other Hermit's living spaces it was pretty clean. Grian never suspected Etho to be one of the more cluttered Hermit's though.
"Do you want tea? I believe you need it to wake up." Etho suggested. Grian paused and looked to Etho.
"How did-" Grian began, before stopping himself. How likely was it that Etho would be home at this time of day? How likely was it that Etho would be a more cluttered hermit? How likely was it that Etho would know about him waking up an hour ago? "...Impulse, he..."
"Impulse just wanted me to know that you were likely to drop by. He privately messaged me and loosely explained some things, but said he didn't know how much you were truly willing to share with someone you aren't that close with. He wanted you to be safe." Etho moved to sit down on the couch. Grian knew panicking was a likely outcome of this, but he... he couldn't really blame Impulse. Hell, Grian had been planning on just talking about a prank he could pull with Etho and keeping the Hermits in the dark.
Grian himself had told when he found out about Jimmy being afraid of thunder. He had told Fwhip about it when Jimmy joined his server and he'd told Scott. Timmy had been, reasonably in Grian's opinion - Scott said Tim was overreacting and Tim somewhat agreed now, - angry.
"Grian, mind sitting down. I believe we have to talk about something, and you staring into space won't exactly help." Etho laughed weakly. Grian walked around the couch before sitting with his back against the edge. Etho sighed before speaking again. "Grian, are you angry with Impulse for telling me?"
Grian shook his head. "I'm not angry. I guess I'm just slightly disappointed I didn't realize Impulse told you. I'm... I'm sorry of it seemed that way."
"No need to apologize, and being angry is logical and reasonable in this situation. He told someone something private without your knowledge. Being disappointed in yourself isn't logical. There was no way you could've known." Etho said softly, faer voice somewhat soothing Grian. "Now, what do you want to start with?"
Grian pulled his knees closer to his body, while messing with his sweater sleeves. He needed a new one soon, he could smell the gunpowder and other earth smells that was beginning to stain the material. "I don't like physical contact. But its... it's not like Mumbo's where he just dislikes it. I..."
"You feel extreme discomfort at even the thought of physical contact?" Etho supplied, resulting in a nod from Grian. "Have you ever considered you might have Haphephobia? It's the fear of physical contact."
Grian didn't know what to say. Fear? This wasn't what fear felt like! Fear was what he felt when thinking about highschool or what the Watchers did, this felt... this felt just wrong and made him nauseous. Fear won't- it shouldn't- It doesn't have to the right to make him sick.
"Etho. I think we have different definitions of fear." Grian laughed. "I'm not afraid of physical contact, its- it's just wrong and uncomfortable and nauseating."
"Grian. Fear is the belief that someone or something is dangerous, or more likely to cause pain or to threaten pain. Fear, like most things, is a scale. The reaction to a creeper exploding is normal, someone being paralyzed with fear over something is what makes it a phobia. But even phobias have scales. So while someone with arachnophobia might be able to concur that fear, another with it will never be able too and will remain terrified of spiders for life. I have Haphephobia, and when I think about touching someone, I feel overwhelming anxious and nauseated."
Grian let out a breath as Etho stopped speaking. Anxiety can causes nausea- is Etho right?
"I- I'm sorry." Grian whispered. The string on the sleeve he was messing with was beginning to fray.
"There's no need to feel sorry, I'm just trying to help you understand. Those feelings you mentioned, they are symptoms of haphephobia, and of fear in general." Etho said. "People feel it differently, but those are the main symptoms. I get more anxious and nauseated then others, because I developed it later in life. Talking about how it developed, how did yours?"
Grian knew Etho was changing the subject from faer to him. But he also knew not to push the reason, all of the Hermits had trauma. Scar and Bdubs, despite being the living embodiments of sunshine, had been through a lot. Grian never really pushed anything, he, himself, had trauma that he was dealing with and he would hate it - he couldn't hate the Hermits, he would just dislike them - if they pushed him into telling.
"I've always hated physical contact. I'd guess that it's because of my parents neglect, but even after being moved to a foster family, it persisted and it's not gone away in twenty years." Grian sighed. He remembered the first time they tried to touch him, and how he ran and hid from them.
"It's very possible that you were born with it, it's also very possible that if you were abused as a child, but don't remember, that you could have developed it." Grian was thankful he wasn't facing Etho, because Etho would've noticed the way his eyes widened and his lip quivered.
If he was abused it could've helped create this. Grian knew the Hermits knew about the neglect he received most of his life - his attention seeking behavior had clued most in - but the abuse...? Hell, only Boatem and X knew he was afraid of rabbits, only Pearl knowing the basics of why. Only Impulse knew that he couldn't eat meat, and he didnt even know why.
"...Grian. Are you alright?"
Grian pulled his knees closer and wrapped his arms around them. Laying his head on his knees, Grian let out a breath.
"If someone had been abused until they were twenty, that would cause it, right?" Grian managed to say softly. Honestly, he was praying Etho wouldn't push it. But he also wanted to tell someone.
It took a bit for Etho to respond. "Yes. That would cause it... You know the Hermits are there for you, correct? And that we'll care for you despite anything, right?"
Grian almost wanted to sob. Instead, he laughed. "This is the first server where I truly believe that." Etho remained quiet, causing Grian to continue. "The person who did most of it is actually still out there, free. Theres literally nothing stopping him from destroying my life again.
You know, I could deal with the abuse from my foster parents and my biological ones, but when my best friend started doing it too? I was starting to think I deserved it when Ellen dragged me away, and I'm absolutely grateful to them for saving me. But he's still out there, and I don't..."
"You don't dare bring it up because you think no one will believe you?" Etho said.
"...because where we grew up, it wasn't illegal to kill someone. When I was seven, a teacher had us kill a guy. Our admin clipped Soul's wings, and tore Pepe's gills out. Dom wasn't allowed to shapeshift. Every week there was either a fire, a bomb, a shootout, aliens, or someone dying. There was a literal graveyard behind the school!
Ms. Jane got plenty of people killed through her stupid parkour that ended with people falling to their deaths. Gareth literally killed himself. Rowan was too hyped up on antidepressants or thinking he was back in the war to actually teach us, and it usually ended with someone in the hospital with a broken body.
Professor Geode would make us take part in tests where we either did something or became the next test. The first and last time someone disobeyed Geode, we all had to watch as Geode tortured them to death. And the next week he made most of the students eat them, some of them were lucky enough to ditch class that day."
Grian smiled as the tears ran down his cheeks. He was absolutely panicking. "And because yeah, no one will believe me. Hell, if I didn't have the scars to prove it, I wouldn't either. Every therapist I've ever gone too has said that I suffer from a mental disorder, and don't believe me that it happened. They thought that in a state of psychosis, I gave myself the scars."
"Grian. How do you deal with this?" Etho sat in front of him. "These memories, how do you stop them?"
Grian laughed weakly. "I've never cut myself if that's what your wondering. I used to drown myself in alcohol but I've been clean for five years. I've just been putting myself to work on a project."
"So you overwork yourself?"
"No. I... Most of the projects are small. Like the leather-bound journal I'm making for Scar, or the sweater I'm crocheting for Norman. I stopped overworking myself after Seven."
Grian hated overworking himself, but he couldn't stand being still for so long. So he'd began making items for his friends, a small wooden jewelry box for Pearl - with moon and vine carvings - had worked perfectly. Even when he'd accidently nicked himself with the blade, or when his hands wouldn't steady, he worked. He'd had to restart Norman's sweater seven times in the last two months because his hands would tremble and he kept messing it up.
Grian held his head as he closed his eyes. Softly, he began to tap his forehead.
Three taps, breath in.
Two taps, hold.
Three taps, hold.
Four taps, hold.
Five taps, exhale.
Three taps, breath in.
Two taps, hold.
Three taps, hold.
Four taps, hold.
Five taps, exhale.
Three taps, breath in.
Two taps, hold.
Three taps, hold.
Four taps, hold.
Five taps, exhale.
When Grian felt he was calm enough he looked back up to Etho. Etho offered a pillow, which Grian hesitantly took.
"...who taught that to you?" Etho tilted fae head. "I've never seen someone do it that way."
Grian smiled softly. "The only teacher who actually cared for us. Mrs. Okami. She was my foster mom, and she instinctively knew about my touch thingy."
Etho nodded, before sighing. "Grian. You know I have to tell X about this, right?"
Grian held the pillow tightly. He muttered his reply. "I know."
"Is there anything you don't want mentioned?"
"...maybe Geode. I don't... Geode was the monster who created Jevin, Cleo, and Doc." Grian buried his face into the pillow.
Etho sighed and ran a hand through faer hair. "Are you going to tell Jev, Cleo, and Doc, atleast?"
Grian didn't know how to respond. If Taurtis hadn't been there when Grian was told he was a clone, he wouldn't have told him. Now...
"I don't know how. Geode was... I, I killed Geode. They deserved to kill him more for what he did to them." It was one of the few deaths he didn't regret causing. Geode was horrible.
Etho hummed. "They deserve to know. I know Doc gets scared when someone dresses like he did. It would be nice for them to know that he's not out there hurting anyone."
Grian closed his eyes. Etho was right. They all deserved to know, even if Grian had to explain some of the things Geode did to his high school. "I'll... I'll tell them next time I see the three. Just... just not now."
Grian knew Etho was staring at him and thinking through the reason Grian wouldn't want to explain. Grian sighed and leaned against the couch, letting go of the pillow.
"I wasn't lucky enough to skip Geode's class the day he made us eat human." Grian whispered. "He cloned people to kill them to see how we would react. One such clone was my best friend, and he tortured the clone before killing him to break my psyche. It half worked."
Grian fiddled with the pillow as he waited for Etho to respond. Etho took a moment, but, eventually, fae did respond.
"Grian. Is this why you don't eat meat?" Etho's eyes were soft. Grian's eyes were slightly panicked, but Etho spoke before Grian could fully panic. "And no. No one said anything. I've just noticed you tend to eat the vegetarian dishes, and even avoid the fake meat."
Grian bit his lip before nodding. Even if it wasn't the first time Grian had eaten human, Grian didn't want to explain the time before or the time after Geode. He really didn't want anyone to see him as a monster. That was the unsaid reason to why he doesn't expose everyone, and why he hasn't said anything in these three seasons of Hermitcraft.
~
Soo I don't do these much, but I wanna start. Currently I have two prompts I'm split between focusing on, and I want some help choosing.
A: Today, you get a call from a stranger, asking you to take a survey about basic human knowledge. The longer you talk, the more you suspect they're an extraterrestrial.
B: Everyone knows it's too dangerous to swim in the ocean. However, sitting at the edge of the docks or peering over the edge of a boat, you've always felt the inexplicable urge to dive into the water. One day, despite the danger, you give into the urges and jump. There's an entire world beneath the surface, and it's not what you were expecting.
Also, concerning my absence on this app, I haven't had access to service/wifi for the majority of the month. Me and my family have been camping for the most part, while my dad relives his childhood camping spot with me and my cousins. One fun fact, the lake near where we were camping is actually where my Great Grandfather proposed to my Great Grandma. The canyon we were in is the one my fathers family has hunted and camped in for almost seven generations.
Also the gender joke was approved by both my best friend - who is nonbinary - and myself, who isn't a comedian and has a hard time understanding jokes-