"Did you have friends?" Ada asked Haruto in a low careful voice.
They were lying on the roof of the jet, face to the sky, and Ada's logger between them projected a tile matching game.
Haruto's finger paused over a yellow tile before he swiped, making a match. "Are you referring to the time I was a cupid?"
Ada nodded. She had been thinking about it a whole lot; if she were to fail at this match, did that mean she could no longer be friends with Teddy? A ball of anxiety formed in her chest. It was late afternoon. The sky above the spread of white fluffy clouds was a pleasant pale blue. But her tranquil surrounding did nothing to calm that persistent buzz of trepidation.
"I had two friends. Tim and Diego. Didn't even get the chance to say goodbye when I was dropped."
"That bad, huh?"
"Yep." Haruto continued the game, making swipes here and there, seeming unaffected by what he just shared.
"Um..." wincing, Ada tentatively asked, "how did it happen?"
Exhaling, Haruto closed the game with a tap and let his hand drop. "You really want to know? Fair warning, it kinda sucks."
Ada clipped her logger to her chain and hid it behind her shirt. "Tell me."
"Where to start?" Haruto's voice faded as if unsure. "Well... the couple I was assigned to, Bellamy and Jules, had an 89% success rate. Good potential, but almost every shot I took at orchestrating their meet-up failed. And when their meet-up finally happened, due to my ignorance, they got off on the wrong foot. Tried again with the forced closed proximity trick; made it work in a way that they had to see how cool they both were. Worked for a while, but there was a problem with Bellamy. Persistent thoughts of his ex had formed this... these barbs around his heart. I have seen fixation on an ex before but with Bellamy, it was... it was like a wound that would never heal. Nothing in his file helped... or maybe something was there and I didn't see it. Anyway, a year passed with no progress, I got desperate and I..."
"You what?" Ada turned to her side and used her arm as a pillow. Haruto's eyes had turned sad, the hand on his belly clenching into a fist.
"I tampered with his brain... the limbic area."
Ada sucked in a breath. She didn't even know that could be done.
"I know." He barked a dead laugh and shut his eyes. "It was incredibly stupid of me but I was desperate. I just wanted him to ease up on the ex obsession. We had this... this weekly assembly at the Northern Division. Luke and the two other helmets, Kwan and Andile, would make us all gather at the auditorium. There was this large screen. Luke called it an open evaluation." Haruto began massaging the bridge of his nose; his eyes were still shut. "He praised the good ones, admonished those stringing along, then me. I was the only cupid doing way below average. It was crazy how awful my luck was. Nothing I did ever seemed to work with the matches I got. Luke never failed to remind me that Bellamy was my last shot at being a cupid. And he will say this to the hearing of everybody. Nothing Tim and Diego said to comfort me ever stumped the fear and desperation that came every time my failures were displayed."
Ada's heart squeezed in her chest. "That's... that's awful."
Haruto shrugged, his thick dark hair moving with the action. "My desperation led me to the single most idiotic decision I've ever made in my life. For a time, it worked out smoothly. Bellamy and Jules were getting to know each other and one day I witnessed their love awaken. It was like a—like a warm soft fragile pulsing flare between them. A miracle." Haruto cupped his hands, a small sad smile curving his lips. "I had failed so much at being a cupid that I had never stayed with an assignment long enough to witness awakening love."
Ada had read about it. When a couple begins to fall in love, the first flare appears and then begins to grow as time passes. Part of a cupid's job was to capture the flare in a jar and nurture it by working on the match. The aim was to ensure the flare grows until it becomes too large for the jar and has to be released. When that happens, a cupid job was done. So far, she had had zilch flare experience. Teddy always shared sparkling tales of that first moment when it appears and the finale when it's released to flourish on its own.
You never get used to it, Ada. I am certain you will experience it one day. Hang in there. Don't give up.
"I don't know how Luke found out." Haruto's smile slipped as his arms dropped to his belly. "Bellamy and Jules were at the cafe where they first met, laughing and talking and being in love. Then Luke showed up. It was like... you know when a human with no experience with plumbing thinks slapping duct tape over a leak will solve the problem but it solves nothing; kinda pushes the problem to another day... oh boy, I am terrible at analogies."
Ada chuckled. "Your analogies aren't bad. You should hear Teddy tell a joke."
"If you say so," Haruto said with another sad smile. "The consequence of my bad decision finally caught up with me. Luke showed up with this weird device I've never seen and he... I guess he used it on Bellamy. That was all it took to send my house of cards crumbling. Bellamy remembered and—" Haruto exhaled a shaky breath and dragged a palm down his face. "The rifters came immediately—just appeared out of thin air. When they are about to do a hardcore breakup, they come with scissors and snip the bond. Now that I am a rifter, I can see the thread that joins couples. Then I couldn't. When they snipped the bond, the flare in the jar died. Saddest thing I've ever seen.
"Luke didn't talk to me—didn't even acknowledge my presence—instead he turned to the rifters on site and said, 'It seems Haruto would be of better service as a rifter. You can have him.' Then he was gone. It happened so fast that I didn't have the chance to plead. Yes, it was stupid of me to tamper with Bellamy's mind but it has been fourteen years already. Fourteen years of feeling sorry for my stupidity. Fourteen years of pretending everything would be fine if I can just perfect my ability to roll with the punches. But on some days, the reality of my circumstances drags me into this... this pit of despair. I see years and years stretched before me. Years of being a rifter, of feeling lost. Years of paying for my wrong. It never ends, Ada. It never ends and I—" He sucked in a long breath and shook his head. "Ah, what's the point?" He turned and sent a soft smile her way like he hadn't just wrecked Ada with his confession. "You got any doughnuts in there?"
"Um..." Ada sniffed and wiped her eyes.
"Now I've made you cry." His smile dropped as he faced the sky once more. "Don't cry for me, Ada. Make your match work. Don't get dropped. I would hate for this match to be the first I successfully rift."
Drawing herself to a sitting position, Ada retrieved her bag and searched for lunch. She usually visited Cupid posts once in three days to restock mission supplies and food. She still had a box of doughnuts, some bags of chips, and apple pie.
Soon they were facing the tail of the jet, doughnuts between them as they listened to soft music drifting from her small speaker. Two doughnuts in and an idea struck her. "Whoa!" It was like fireworks went off in her head. "I just had the sickest idea."
Haruto paused, glazed doughnut halfway to his mouth. "Okay?"
"How about I take you to speak with the Helmets in my division?" Ada faced him fully, folding her legs and bouncing with excitement. She could picture it already. If she could get Haruto to share what happened with Maya—
"Thanks, but no thanks," Haruto said immediately then resumed eating.
"B-but you don't know the Helmets of my division. They are kind and loving and I think they will—"
"I am a rifter." Haruto cut in, tone flat and eyes resolute. "I know what I am. Do not try to save me. The worst thing I can do to myself is hope only to get it dashed again."
"Again?" Ada frowned. "What do you mean? Have you tried..."
"Before Luke advised them to take my wings, I begged the head of the rifters for a favour. His name is Amil. Contrary to what non-rifters may think, Amil is quite considerate, even more considerate than Luke. He gave me a chance to visit the Northern Division to plead my case with the Helmets. But they were already waiting for me at the gate and didn't even let me go in. Told me something about my Grace Meter running out. This time when Luke sent me back, he made sure I'd have no wings to attempt a second visit."
"No." Ada raised a hand to her mouth.
"Don't look so horrified." Haruto dusted sugar off his fingertips. "That happened years ago. I've since gotten used to having no wings."
"I—" She didn't know what to say.
"Trying is what took my wings from me. I appreciate your concern, but you must understand that the thought of standing before Helmets to plead my case after years of being a rifter is the last thing I want."
Ada's shoulders sagged. "Okay."
"I have to go." He patted her shoulder twice. "Thanks for the doughnuts, they were delicious."
Then he vanished.
A thick cloud of soul-crushing gloom descended on Ada. Why did she still feel like she must do something to help Haruto? With a thought, she summoned her wings, the wide canopy of it spreading behind her. After giving them a test flap, she wrapped them around her body, a cocoon of soft feathers and lavender.
"I know I say I hate you guys but I'm only kidding, okay?" Ada whispered as she hugged her legs to her chest and rested her cheek on her knees. "You are so big and awkward and your colour..." She observed the light pink shade and for the first time decided to look at it without comparing it to the pure white of other cupids. "Cute. Your shade is cute. And even when you shed, you are still lovely. I don't want to lose you.
"Please, One Up High," Ada shut her eyes and hugged her legs tighter, "please do not let them take my wings from me 'cause I know if I get dropped I'd never stay away from the division or Teddy. Make Raymond love Genevieve. I think I am doing my best but you know when you know you are not that good at something but you try your best and hope that your best would be enough but it seems like it wouldn't be. I—just...please, let this match work."
When the sadness grew overwhelming, Ada stood. She needed an escape. Maybe she should meet the Helmets. See their faces and hug them and remind them that they love her. Because, crazy as it sounds, she was beginning to panic. Maybe they do not really love her. Even if they do love her, maybe their love would not be big enough to protect her from Luke.
"But if I don't fail this match there will be no Luke, right? My wings will remain with me," Ada mumbled. She had to visit the division. Retrieving her logger, she sent a quick message to Teddy before tucking it beneath her shirt.
Drawing in a long breath, she twisted her neck from side to side, secured her curly hair in a bun, and ran down the length of the jet. When she dived down, she spread her wings and flapped them once before shooting for the Division.
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I feel like doing that mushy thing where I say something like: This chapter is dedicated to everybody who has been talked down on and made to feel like they can never say "I am sorry" enough.
But I wouldn't do that. Just know I am throwing a humongous hot air balloon-sized love your way though. 💗
How is the story so far? I am over 34k words in and I feel proud of my achievement.
Unto Nezzar. I have to do mental pull-ups and push-ups before I write chapters for that story. I'm obsessed with making it perfect... which it always falls short of. 😅
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Love y'all.