"Do you want to do something new?"
Something new.
Jeno was honestly having a hard time processing every word Jaemin said, debating whether those were drunk words or what he really wanted to do.
"You said I'm drunk." Jaemin said with a goofy smile, eyes half closed. "So this is your chance."
Jeno blinked faster, again interpreting that in many ways, quietly adding it to his 'questionable things Jaemin said' file saved in his head.
What chance?
He sure hoped it wasn't what he actually thought it was.
Shaking his head, he moved and gently took Jaemin's hand. Then urged the younger to come with him. He just needed to get Jaemin under the shower.
"Whatever you want to do, we can do that after you get sober." He agreed. "Now do as I say."
"No." Jaemin pouted, refusing to move. "See, I don't want to get sober. That sounds so boring.... I'm boring when I'm cool in the head..."
"That's not true." Jeno talked to him like soothing a child to sleep. "You're the least boring person I know. So let's get you--"
"If I was sober, I wouldn't agree to this." Jaemin cut in, licking his lips as if to absorb the taste of alcohol and get more wasted. "So this is your chance. You-- Lee Jeno-- my boyfriend or whatever that is-- can... uh... what were we talking about again?"
He had his eyes squinted, waiting for Jeno to help him out.
Taking the sudden opportunity, Jeno pulled him closer and flashed a big smile.
"We were on our way to my room." He lied. "All you have to do is take a shower and sleep."
"Was that it?" Jaemin asked, fumbling with the words. "Did I... did we... uh, wait, no, that was not..."
Jeno almost gave in. He almost brushed a hand through Jaemin's hair and kissed his glossy lips. He almost put his hands around Jaemin's waist. He almost pulled Jaemin more closer to him. He almost lost his mind.
Because Jaemin looked so amusing like that. The parted lips, lazy eyes, redded cheeks, cold hand, the clueless looks and all those little details made him look weirdly beautiful.
Then again, Jaemin was always beautiful no matter what.
"Right!" taking him back to sanity, Jaemin exclaimed loudly. "I remember!"
He laughed and Jeno opened his mouth to say something. But Jaemin swiftly threw himself on Jeno, leaving him no other choice except to catch him before both of them could fall.
Jaemin locked his hands around Jeno's neck and stared at Jeno's eyes with so much adoration. So needy. So desperate. So in love.
Jeno tried to push him away but the pink head had other plans. Jaemin put his head to the side and ran his tongue over Jeno's jaw line, placing a kiss right under Jeno's ear.
"Distract me." He whispered. "Make me... make me forget about what... what-- Renjun...."
Even with the few missing words, Jeno understood.
But he was clearly not fine with the method of distraction.
"Jaemin," he called, hands on the sides of Jaemin's waist and his face turned up to avoid getting kissed. But Jaemin clinged to him like a koala, kissing a spot on his neck. "Jae-- stop that..."
"Do something." Jaemin begged, but not so innocently. "I won't remember, I promise."
To think that Jaemin wanted to feel something extremely wild while he was not in his right mind, made Jeno more broken than he already was. The way he said he wouldn't remember anything was more messed up the more Jeno thought of it.
Was Jaemin that hurt? To the point where sex was the only option he had in his mind?
Something he wasn't even ready to do. Jeno knew and he was fine with waiting for it.
Making love was not the cure for that pain and Jeno didn't know how to say it out loud.
"How about this?" He asked at last, guiding a hand up to Jaemin's face to caress his cheek. That stopped the kissing and licking. "We can talk about it tomorrow and do it if you actually like it, hm?"
He hoped that was enough.
Jaemin made a sad face. "I do like it now. I like it. I want... I want it so much..."
"Yeah?" Jeno smiled. "Then we can do that later, okay?"
"But... But I won't say yes tomorrow... I know-- I wouldn't like it tomorrow..."
He wouldn't like it because the Jaemin he knew would not do anything he didn't like just because he wanted to make the pain go away. This drunk version was not his Jaemin.
"You like it, don't you?" That came as a whisper.
Did he?
"I do." Jeno said honestly. "But what matters is, do we like it? Because if you don't want it, we won't do that. If I don't like it you wouldn't want it either."
Jaemin blinked few times and Jeno thought what he said was too much for Jaemin to understand at the moment.
"Let's go to sleep, Nana." He offered, feeling defeated. "I'll be right next to you."
A moment passed and Jeno wished to stay that way for the rest of his life. Quiet and still. Only them. Holding eachother.
And then it went down again.
"Why can't you just touch me?" Jaemin asked, tears forming in his eyes. "Can't you see? I'm-- I-- I'm asking. I want it. This is the only way."
Please don't cry.
"I know, Nana, I know." Jeno said as softly as he could. "What I'm saying is, you can ask tomorrow and I'll say yes. How about that?"
"You don't get it."
"Jaemin-"
"If I do it tomorrow, I'll say no."
"Its fine either way-
"No, its not!" for a change, this time Jaemin pushed away at his own will. He looked betrayed. "You-- Why are you like this?"
"Like what?" Jeno asked, hiding the panic in his voice.
"He wasn't like this." He sounded confused. "He wasn't like you..."
"Who- Renjun?" He shouldn't have mentioned the name but whatever.
Jaemin shook his head, standing still like a doll. If not Renjun, then who?
"Mom's husband." it came out too quietly that Jeno had to take a second to admit that he actually heard it. "You aren't like him."
The world around him went black. He could not see anything except Jaemin's teary eyes.
And Jeno was back inside that dream. The blue lights. Tall buildings. Jaemin unconscious on the ground. Renjun and Meisoo laughing at him.
He never knew few words could hurt him that much.
"Of course I'm not like him, Jaemin." but he couldn't move. "I'll never be like him. I promise."
Finally a promise he would never break.
"You think too much to even hold my hand," Jaemin said dreamily. "But he didn't wait for me to say no. He was strong, you know... I was-- I couldn't-- I was young and weak... and I couldn't stop..."
Jeno listened, a tear hitting the floor with no trace leaving behind.
"I didn't know he could do that... he was my dad and-- mom liked him a lot and... and he was good, really good to mom..." then he suddenly stopped, turning his eyes at Jeno with an unreadable expression. "Mom didn't believe me."
Oh.
Just when Jeno thought it couldn't get any worse.
To say he was disappointed at the world was an understatement.
Second time. It was the second time he had to hear such a story. Both from two people he loved the most. He just didn't know why the world had to be so cruel to the best people.
"She didn't believe me." Jaemin mumbled. Then again looked at Jeno with innocent eyes. "Do you believe me Jeno?"
"I do." Jeno didn't hesitate, rushing forward and crushing the younger with a tight hug. "I'll always believe you, Jaemin. You can trust me on that. I believe you."
He wanted to repeat that thousand more times. Even million more. He was willing to say it until Jaemin felt valid.
"He didn't stop even after I said no." Jaemin said into Jeno's shoulder, but not hugging back. "You still say no even when I say yes."
Because I love you.
I love you so much. I don't know how I managed to live without you this long. I love you more than you think, Jaemin. I'll always love you. I love you. I love you so much. I love you. I love you. I love you.
"Just because everyone has been treating you badly," Jeno said true to his heart. "Doesn't mean you have to settle for less, Jaemin. You deserve to be happy just like everyone else. Much more than them."
That was something he had in his mind for a long time.
"You feel like love." Jaemin mumbled with a sniff.
"Hm?"
"If love was a person." He said in one go, as if he forgot to keep the space between the words. Jeno felt Jaemin's hands hugging him back. "That would be you."
Jeno waited for a minute, rubbing a hand on Jaemin's back for comfort. He didn't want to disturb the newly arrived silence.
And it continued to be silent.
☆
"Shhh!"
"Sorry!"
"You are too loud daddy!"
"You are yelling too!"
"I'm not!"
"Shh!"
The same conversation was going on for around a minute now. That's when he decided it was the time for him to go back to real world. Jaemin opened his eyes to the light but immediately closed them back.
"Oh, he's awake." Jeno's voice came along. "Good morning, love."
Love.
"Ohhh," Jaerin's curios voice came next. "Why do you call papa that, daddy?"
"Because papa is love." Jeno said and Jaemin felt someone's body pressing against his.
"I also want to be a love!"
Not having any idea on what it was about, Jaemin smiled at the excited tone of his child. But he was too lazy to open his eyes.
"Of course you can, baby." Jeno too laughed. "Why don't you give papa a good morning kiss? I see him listening to us secretly."
"Okay daddy!"
At that Jaemin opened his eyes faster than the light, instantly sprinting up. Of course he regretted it right then and there, feeling a sharp pain striking through his head.
And then he remembered.
Shit...
The drinking. The kissing. Some words were exchanged and then it all went blank. How much did he drink? What did he say? Did Jaerin see all of it? Was Jeno mad at him? How did he end up in Jeno's room? What time was it?
No thoughts, just an awful headache.
"Head hurts, huh?" Jeno sounded salty. "I wonder why."
Jaemin gave him a look, a hand pressing onto his head. Jaerin crawled into his lap and smiled like the little angel she was.
"Good morning papa!" She greeted with a giggle.
"Oh," Jaemin managed to smile through the pain. "Good morning, cupcake."
"I'm a love now." Jaerin corrected him with a proud look. "We both are loves now!"
Jeno almost wheezed. Jaemin laughed to himself, fighting the urge to pull his child in and hug her all day. But no.
"Morning kiss!" Jaerin sang, moving more closer to him.
"Oh, no, wait, Jaerin," he struggled. "Uh... papa needs to shower first, don't you think?"
Jaerin seemed to be thinking. "Oh, right. You smell like apple juice."
Well, fuck.
He smiled sheepishly, embarrassed to be alive in such a situation. Jeno laughing next to him didn't make it better.
"Sorry about that, baby." He felt the need to apologise. "Papa was having a--"
"Bad day." Jaerin added, nodding as if she actually understood. "Its okay papa, are you okay now?"
"Uh..."
"He will be soon." Jeno helped. "Why don't you go and change your clothes first, hm? Or else I'm telling papa that you only brushed your teeth and--"
"No, don't tell him!" The little girl quickly jumped out of the bed, already running. "I'll be back papa, wait for me!"
"Why did you let her in?" Jaemin questioned as soon as they were alone in the room.
"You have no right to complain, mister detective." Jeno said with a raised brow. "You know how she is. She kept bugging me as soon as she woke up, asking me to let her be by your side. I couldn't say no to her puppy eyes."
That was the only thing Jaemin disliked about adorable kids. You could never say no to them.
"Does it hurt a lot?" all the sarcasm and mockery leaving his voice, Jeno asked quietly, running a hand through Jaemin's pink locks. "What do you prefer for a speedy recovery?"
Jaemin groaned loudly, wishing he could crush his skull into two.
"Do you even know how much you drank yesterday?" Jeno asked again, snuggling closer and putting his palm on Jaemin's forehead. "Oh, its all okay now-- You were kind of burning up last night."
"I was?" He had no memory of suffering from fever.
Jeno nodded. "You were completely out of it. I've never seen you like that before. Not even when we accidentally got drunk in parties back then."
Jaemin knew that. He knew how much his drinking habits had changed within the years. That's why he was freaking out silently. What if he had said some unnecessary stuff to Jeno?
"Uh... did I... I mean, did I-- um..." where to start?
"Yes you said few things and did few things." Jeno said carelessly, fixing his pink hair. "But those aren't important. Forget about it."
"But-"
"I think you need to shower before breakfast."
He probably smelled awful. Thank god Jeno actually did love him. Who else would like to deal with such behaviour in such an age?
"Can you get down by yourself or want me to carry you to the bathroom?"
Suddenly Jaemin was fully awake. He blinked few times, eyes slightly widen for no clear reason.
"You carried me here, didn't you?" He asked, embarrassed.
Jeno flashed a smile. "No you magically appeared on the bed right after passing out."
Jaemin rolled his eyes, ignoring the pain in his head. It was actually better than it was before. Progress.
"Don't do that again." Jeno requested, his hand leaving Jaemin's hair and brushing under Jaemin's eyes as if to erase the traces of tears. "I was worried."
Jaemin guessed that there were much more than 'worried'. He couldn't point out the hidden meaning but he knew Jeno was purposefully avoiding speaking of something.
He just prayed it wasn't something bad.
"I'm sorry about everything. Renjun didn't deserve that, I know." Jeno went on. "You don't deserve all this pain either. But can we try and take it slow?"
Jaemin was more than embarrassed. He looked down, fidgeting with his fingers. Jeno took his hand and brushed a finger over the multicolored beads of his bracelet.
"Anything but this." Jeno pleaded, lifting their hands up and kissing the bead with the carved 'J'. "You made me quit that habit, didn't you? So can't you try and do the same?"
"I'm sorry." Jaemin mumbled, not meeting Jeno's eyes. Then he felt a soft kiss landing on the top of his head but he didn't look up. "I don't know why I did that.... It just happened..."
"Well, let's not make it happen again." Jeno encouraged.
Jaemin nodded.
And he was in love again.
So much love. He didn't know he was capable of loving someone to that extent. He loved Jeno. He really did. He couldn't say it out loud because he thought the words were not meaningful enough. A simple I love you would not show how much he loved Jeno.
Love was either pain or happiness. It was rare to see the middle. Loving Jeno was how Jaemin defined happiness, even with all the secrets and lies. Because deep down he knew Jeno was a good person.
Years and months and days and minutes. Didn't matter what time it was because Jaemin was in love. Again and again. Like some idiot.
At the same time he was scared too.
Scared that one wrong move from Jeno would hurt him to the point where he'd leave again.
His heart only needed one wrong touch to shatter away.
He feared somehow one day Jeno would make that mistake.
"What's going inside there?" Jeno asked with a chuckle, tucking Jaemin's hair behind his ear. "Don't think too hard. Your head hurts, remember?"
"You called me love." Jaemin said out of context, recalling that sleepy moment.
"Ugh," Jeno made a pained noise. "I know it's cheesy. But trust me even I don't know why I said that. Like, I really have no idea how I came up with that."
"Its didn't sound that bad." Jaemin mumbled with a cough. He cleared his throat and smiled a little. "Jaerin seems to love it."
"Well, Jaerin loves everything we do."
"Not me." guilt. "Last night was so not professional."
"I had the situation under control. I mean, I tried. Half of it went well."
Jaemin bit the inside of his bottom lip, slowly reaching out his hand to take Jeno's. The older looked at him and gently locked their hands.
"I'm sorry if I said something wrong." He apologised sincerely. "Whatever it was, I didn't mean any of that. Please don't be offended or anything."
"I suddenly have amnesia. What are you talking about?"
For a second Jaemin went still, trying to understand the depth of what he heard. Then he broke into a frown, realising it was a silly joke. Jeno laughed.
"Must you always make everything a joke?"
"It gives me personality."
"It gives me a headache."
"Blame it on your poor sense of humour."
"Did you just call me boring?"
"When did I--"
Jaemin shushed the other in mid sentence.
"What time is it?" He asked, suddenly remembering that he was a man with a job.
"Around 10.30."
☆
"You remind me of a kitten." Jeno said, drying Jaemin's hair with a towel. "I can almost hear you meowing."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jaemin asked, eyes closed and enjoying getting cared by his boyfriend. "And no, I thought I reminded of a rabit."
"You do." Jeno agreed. "That's like your government assigned animal. What I meant is right now you act like a kitten."
Jaemin opened his eyes and lifted his head upwards. Meeting Jeno's eyes, he could see how tired the older looked. Yet at the same time he looked relaxed.
"How so?"
Jeno ran a hand through Jaemin's hair and went back to drying the droplets of water out. Jaemin kept looking up.
"Soft and small." He replied. "Like.... um, how do I say it... like a lot of fluff. I could spend the whole day patting your head."
"If this is about one of your kinks, I suggest--"
"Fuck no." Jeno protested immediately. "I mean, if you like it, I won't object, but that's not-- I mean, that's definitely not something I think of all the time. I, uh... I'm talking about right now."
Jaemin laughed out loud.
Wow. It felt good. He still had the ability to laugh.
"Don't laugh." Jeno whined, playfully nudging Jaemin on the head. "You know what I meant."
"Do I?" the younger joked.
"Jaemin."
"Alright, sorry, no jokes, got it." Jaemin said while continuing his big happy smile. "And yes, I do know what you meant. I'm a kitten, got it."
Jeno made a disturbed noise. "See, now you've made it weird. Don't word it like that."
"Its not weird." the detective offered. "Its all about the preference. I'm fine with anything."
"Can we stop talking about this? I swear, I can't say just one word without making you turn it upside down."
"Not guilty."
"Fuck off."
"Make me."
"Could've made you if you let me in while you showered."
Jaemin felt his cheeks heating up. A reaction he didn't think of making. He kept staring at his hands, playing with the end of his white shirt.
He was ready to leave for work.
He had to struggle to make Jeno understand. Somehow the other he succeeded and promised to take better care of himself. The whole twenty minutes of showering helped him more than he thought. Nice and fresh, he felt so new.
Jeno suggested the idea of taking a bath together. But Jaemin didn't think he wanted that just yet. They had time. So why rush?
That's how they settled for Jeno being Jaemin's personal hair dryer. They sat on the edge of Jeno's bed; Jeno behind Jaemin, on his knees to make it easier for him to dry Jaemin's hair. They were quietly enjoying the alone time. Jaerin was downstairs; something about making a card for Jaemin.
"Oh so you can talk about kinks but not about sharing a shower?" Jeno huffed a laugh. "Way to go, mister Nana."
"Shut up."
The old name brought back memories. He recalled the less insane days of being Jaerin's mister Nana. Those were considerably good days. He was just a friend of Jeno. He wasn't a father. He still had Renjun.
Those little smiles he had thanks to Jeno, started to fade away.
He missed Renjun.
He'd always miss his best friend. Always.
Thinking of Renjun made him feel two major emotions. Pain and anger. As much as he was hurt, the willpower of seeking revenge was stronger.
He had to kill someone.
Whoever that was, he would do anything to get blood on his hands.
"Zoning out again." Jeno mumbled as he put the towel around Jaemin's neck and messed with his cotton candy hair. "What's going on?"
No point of lying. "Renjun."
"You have to give away more than that, Nana." Jeno encouraged him. "Use your words."
"I miss him?" He said in a questioning manner. "I don't know how to explain it. It's just... he's in my mind. Like, I'm thinking about him. And-- And I feel empty...."
"That is because you actually miss him." Jeno helped him, turning him by the shoulders and making them face to face. They sat together. "And its alright if you think of him. You're allowed to think of him. Just don't do anything that you'll regret later. That's all."
Jaemin stared into Jeno's eyes for a moment.
"Be honest, Jeno," he started. "Did I say something bad yesterday?"
Jeno showed half of a smile. "Not really."
"You aren't telling me clearly."
"Its not important."
The conversation died there. There was no reason to pressure Jeno into saying something he didn't want to. Everyone had their limits.
A sigh escaped his lips unknowingly.
"Hey," Jeno called, breaking the new silence. Then pressed a sloppy kiss on his lips. "You got this."
Those few words had some effect. Jeno had this weird way of pushing people to do better. Coming from someone else, those words wouldn't mean much.
But from Jeno, that's all Jaemin needed.
"You know what, Jeno," he started, taking both Jeno's hands in his. "I'm so glad I have you."
That seemed to make the older genuinely happy.
They shared a smile and went for a kiss. Jaemin rubbed the back of Jeno's neck as if to say that he did a good job with handling everything. Jeno deepened the kiss just the way Jaemin needed it.
"Papa!"
They broke off, turning back at the sound of the door opening. Jaerin ran inside, a white piece of paper in her hand.
"Oh you smell so nice!" She exclaimed, jumping on the bed and climbing onto Jaemin's lap. "Fluffy hair."
Jaemin let his heart melt. Jaerin patted his almost dried hair with her little hands, giggling.
"What's that, cupcake?" Jeno asked, pointing at the paper in her hand. "You made something?"
The girl nodded her head, her long black hair flying here and there. "Its for papa."
"Me?" Jaemin asked the most obvious question.
"Yes!" She nodded again. "I made it with colors and glitter and magic and love! Now you will be okay, papa!"
Jaemin and Jeno exchanged a look of 'I'd die for her'.
She handed over the card and waited for Jaemin's reaction. He opened it and instantly smiled. It looked beautiful. And adorable. Everything about it screamed Jaerin. The pink and red hearts, flower stickers and a drawing of three people standing in the corner; probably the three of them, and glittery dust all over it.
"That's daddy, that's me, that's papa." she pointed out the three characters. "I made papa's hair pink!"
Jaemin laughed. Of course one person had a pink mess as hair.
He felt Jeno's hand holding his on the bed, secretly away from Jaerin's eyes. The action spoke volumes of how far they've came. How far they've grown.
Bittersweet, if you asked Jaemin.
Among all the hardships, there were few of those little moments of happiness and love. Jaemin cherished those interactions closer to his heart.
The card reminded him of something else too.
How did I forget about that?!
"I too have a gift for you, cupcake." He said, eyeing his boyfriend. "Do you know where I put my blazer from yesterday?"
"Ah yeah, I'll get it."
Jeno disappeared and came back after like two minutes. He gave the black blazer to Jaemin and waited back on his spot, pulling Jaerin onto his lap.
Jaemin slid his hand inside one of the pockets and took out a small red box.
"What's that?" Jeno asked, very much curious.
"A gift for Jaerin." He replied, opening the box and taking out a special item. "Ta-da!"
It was a necklace.
A silver chain with a thick silver pendant of a strawberry. He needed it to be something Jaerin liked. Strawberries were the only thing he could think of that time.
"Is that for me?" the child asked with a gasp.
Jaemin nodded. "Its all yours. Do you like it?"
"Yes!" She yelled, smiling loud and clear. "Its so pretty! And its a strawberry!"
"It is." Jaemin joined in. "Do you want to wear it now?"
Jaerin nodded her head aggressively, jumping back onto Jaemin's lap. He put the chain around her neck and ticked the lock shut.
"Jaemin, you didn't have to buy her such an expensive gift." Jeno said after a long pause. "Is it really necessary--"
"Am I not her father?"
Wow. That sounds so good to say out loud...
"You are. But--"
"I wanted her to keep something of mine." He explained. "Trust me, I know what I'm doing."
Jeno sighed and let them be. Jaerin held onto the pendant and giggled to herself.
"Papa wants you to keep it with you all the time." Jaemin added, stroking her hair. "Now you can feel like you have me with you all the time."
Jaerin turned her head back and hugged Jaemin's neck as if her life depended on it. How could some kid be that adorable?
"I'm going to wear it always." she promised. "Mine."
They could've enjoyed the rare moment of peace for much longer if it wasn't for Jaemin's ringing phone.
He glanced over and realised that the said device was up on the table. Jeno volunteered to bring it to him. Jaerin was comfortable in his hold so Jaemin didn't want to let go of her.
"Do you save all your contacts like this?" Jeno questioned as he handed over the phone to the detective. "What the hell is a SKJW?"
Oh.
Maybe he should let go of the kid.
He snatched the phone and gave a secretive look at his boyfriend. Good thing he actually saved it like that or else the situation would've been much worse.
"Um... can you guys..." he motioned vaguely, doing his best to kick the two out of the room as politely as he could. "I should take this."
"Oh... yeah, yeah of course. Work stuff, yeah, I know." Jeno said with a nod and suddenly it was awkward.
"Yeah, work stuff."
"Hm hm." Jeno kept nodding. "Come on Jaerin, let's give papa some time."
The girl pouted but somehow agreed. Jeno picked her up to his hands with a little explanation on how her papa had to deal with stuff all the time because 'he's a very important person'.
"Bye papa." she called and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. Jeno gave the access and held her secured, not letting her fall.
Even though his heart was a nervous wrech at the moment, that small act of love made his mind clear for a quick second.
"I'll see you soon, yeah?" He promised.
The two went up to the door and Jaemin was eagerly waiting for them to exit through the door.
Until Jeno came back and placed a kiss on his lips with no warning or whatsoever. It just happened so fast.
"Be quick." and they left, Jaerin's giggles echoing through the entire house.
Jaemin put a hand over his mouth as if that was the first time he got kissed.
He felt a sudden joy running up his body.
Yet he had to deal with the unpleasant parts of his life.
Blinking faster and ignoring his cheeks heating up, he clicked the phone and answered the call.
"Hello?"
Everything went down from right there.
-tbc
I'm sick of life tbh.