Is happiness a sort of blissful state of mind or just a kind of surreal propensity? It may be hard to recognize its very nature if we remain guilelessly confined in a state of woeful unawareness or in a no-man's-land of emotions. In their dogged and obstinate quest for the zenith of happiness, many forget to take pleasure in the small things of everyday and, thus, become disgruntled and depressed instead, which leads them to a mire of gloom.
***
"Naaz, did you get the call from Music company?" Karou asked.
"Nahi... kyun? Did you get a call?" she asked. It's been a week that her father left for Delhi. She has been feeling a little low after he left for couple of days but then her work kept her busy. She was expecting a call from the music company which she had given the audition and no response from them was making her dispirited.
"Yes, just now... isiliye toh pooch raha huin. They have called me to the studio tomorrow to record a song. Chorus nahi... a full-fledged song! Man, I am so excited!"
"Oh!! Mujhe kyun nahi aaya?" she said with a dejected look.
"Aa jayega... tu toh mere se bhi acha gaati hain. Muh mat sada apna, mujhe congratulate toh kar!" he said patting her shoulder.
With a frowny face she wished for him, but she was having a sinking feeling of failed attempts throughout the last year for a single, solo chance in this singing field. The chorus, jingles, even a backup vocalist for groups, events, were not enough for her now. Though it did give her enough regular earnings, she wanted recognition, an identification in this field, a name which everyone will acknowledge in the field of singing.
The mobile ringer distracted her from depressed thoughts. It was Sidharth... He was in Gujarat for the last three days for some mall opening events and the Cricket field inauguration. Since the time his comeback was announced he has been busy with auditions, events, meetings. She was happy for him... Even on the day when they had planned for an outing with her dad and his nieces, he got a call from his manager for a story-telling meeting, and he had to leave. Though his presence was missed, they enjoyed a lot touring around Mumbai roads and iconic places to visit and eat. He did join them later at night for dinner which he had arranged in some new restaurant his friends recommended.
She picked up the video call with a plastic smile, "Hi"
Sidharth knew in that instant that she was not herself, "Kya hua? Itna ruka suka hi? Yeh kaise smile hain teri? I am seeing it for the first time, so fake! Kissi ne kuch kahan kya? Tere Bapu ne..."
"Nahi na Sidharthhh... jab dekho Papa hi reason hotey hain kya meri off moods ke... Bechare ab toh itne pyaar se baat karthey hain mere se... Tum na please yeh Bapu Bapu karna band karo... what is this? Papa hain woh mere!" she growled, venting out all her frustrations at him.
"Oh, baba re! Itna gussa... kya bolti hain tu... Kuch toh gadbad hain...haan... kuch toh gadbad hain yahan..."
She didn't react and placed the mobile on the pile of clothes she had folded on the bed and continued her work folding other clothes. It was almost 7pm, she was feeling tired mentally and physically and besides everything she was also missing him and now no response from the music company was making her grumpier.
"Ho gaya aaj ka event? Koi cricketer aaya kya, someone known?" she asked to change the topic from her to him.
"Ho gaya sab... bas dinner ke liye ready ho raha huin with few Cricket board members... ya I saw few of them. Pictures bhi liye, I will send it to you. Tu batana kon hain... let me see if you know anyone" looking at the mirror he reversed the camera to show her his full profile. "How am I looking? Formal dinner hain so shirt pehna hain, coat pehnu kya? Too much toh nahi ho jayega?" spraying some perfume on his light blue shirt he asked.
She picked up her mobile and sat down jumping on her knees and gave him a beaming smile this time, "Oh Wow!! bahut sunder lag rahe ho. So handsome. Aise hi teek lag rahe ho, bahut garmi lagegi coat voat pehen ke. Tumhe toh waise bhi kuch jayada sweating hoti hain. Aise hi changa lag raha hain... Hayee I wish I could hug you right now!"
He looked very handsome, with clean shave and crisp cloth. He had lost some weight and looked well-toned as he was working out almost every day now to be in shape.
"Kal" he replied.
"Hugh?" she asked, confused.
"Kal hug karenge... bas kuch gaanto main aa jaunga. Ab aadat dal le... bahut saare trips main jaana padega mujhe. Kaushik has lined up stuff for me..." he looked at her, sitting down in the bed. It was advice more to himself than to her. He thought about how he never wanted to be without her. About how happy she made him and how he wanted to go on being that happy for the rest of his life.
She nodded, "Tumhara kaam hain... it's good na! I am happy ab tumhe phir se TV main, theatre main, news main dekhne ko milega. Agar bahut miss hoga toh mujhe bhi saath le jana... teek hain"
He smiled and blinked his eyes. "Ab bata kya hua? Sadi hui kyun hain?"
"Kuch nahi bas aise hi... tumhari yaad aa rahi thi aur neend bhi"
"Don't lie to me haan! I know when you give excuses when you don't want to say the truth... Jaldi bol" he pestered.
"Hadd hain... kuch bhi nahi hain baba... Please don't irritate me now. Please go for your dinner and BYE!" She cut the call abruptly.
She immediately got a call again from him, "Kya hain Sidharth... jao na baad main baat karenge na!"
"Teri himmat kaise hui mera phone cut karne ki? MOTI... Nahi bolna teek hain par phone kyun kata tunne? Haan bol phone kyun kata?" he said in anger.
"Hayee... tum na kabhie kabhie itna irritate karne lag jaate ho!" she whined.
"Acha ji, now I am irritating you! You disconnected the call so rudely! You are being secretive! You are brooding over something... aur irritate main kar raha huin... Wah!! Gor kalyug aa gaya hain... Teek hain kuch nahi poochunga ab main. Even if you tell me I won't listen! Baiti reh mooh sada ke. Phone bhi nahi karunga... aur na tera phone pick karunga... aayi badi... hugh!" he spoke acting furious but failing miserably and it didn't go unnoticed by her.
"Kitne cute lag rahe ho... heheheee... Mujhe na darr nahi lag raha tumhare iss damki se... heehehee... Hassi aa rahi hain... Lol! Yeh apna attitude na kissi aur ko dikhana. Abhi do-teen gante main tumhara phir se phone nahi aaya toh mera naam badal dena... Shehnaaz to..."
"MOTI" he suggested impishly.
"No... not that..." she furrowed her brows in grumpily.
"Chal be ab pakka mat... ab main cut karunga phone"
"Love you" she said to see if he is still annoyed.
He did not reply but gave her a small tight-lipped smile and disconnected the phone. He right away called Karou and came to know about the opportunity he received to sing but that Shehnaaz is still waiting for them to respond. He now knew the reason for her sour mood. He was able to tell just by her voice and expressions her state of mind. He knows he is getting inquisitive through these daily conversations and interactions with her, but he gets curious about her dreams, successes, failures, and fears. He felt deeply connected to her to know more about why she feels anxious, angry, sad, or excited rather make assumptions and jumping to conclusions, he called Karou, his confidant and an ally now.
"Naaz... Naaz..." Karou screamed from living room. She came out of her room yelling, "Kya hain chilla kyun raha hain?" She had cleaned up her room, closet, and bathroom just to distract her mind from the negative thoughts. Fresh after the shower she felt little tired and was ready to hit the bed to sleep and call the night.
"Dekh..." he pointed to the ad running in the television.
They both sat down watching it and Karou clicked the picture of the info showed up in the ad. "Singing competion ke auditions... You wanna try... I am going to try by the way! Last time miss kar diya tha"
"Hmm... seems like the last option for me! I am going to give the auditions too... share the info with me... Let's see if I have any luck here!" gloomily she said shrugging her shoulder.
They heard the doorbell and Karou jumped down from the sofa to open the door. "Kon hain?" Shehnaaz asked.
"PiZZZAAAA...." Beaming, he replied.
"Kothey ghar main kuch bana letey na hum... faltu main paise waste kar diye!" she went to kitchen to get ketchup and plates for them.
"Haan... dekh raha huin madam ka mood... Maggie khatey hum end main. Aur waise bhi this is my treat for the happy news I got. Party toh banti hain... Swapna is also going to join us" Just then they heard another doorbell, and it was the person who Karou was expecting.
Swapna was a petite, skinny girl with prominent curly hair, "Hiiiii Naaz... how are you? Aree mere bina party start bhi kar di tum logo ne!" she complained.
"Hiii... tere bina iss kutey ki himmat hogi start karne ki... Aaja" Shehnaaz replied with a giggle.
"Congrats to both of you! Tum dono ab star ho jaoge after this song" Swapna said eating the slice.
"Star toh yeh Banega... mujhe toh call hi nahi aaya..." Shehnaaz said disappointed.
"Oh, I am sorry! I thought you both got the chance. Karou, stupid tune clearly kyun nahi bola? Dekh maine usse upset kar diya." she yelled.
"Yaar, yeh aivayen upset ho rahi hain. I am 100% sure that she will get the call... tu dekh aaj nahi toh kal tak she will receive the call" gobbling down the soda he spoke with a burp.
"Waise tu Sid se kyun nahi help le leti" he suggested.
"Pagal hain? Usko bhanak bhi nahi padni chahiye iss baath ki. This is my career, my struggle. I will manage"
"Why don't you trust him?" Swapna asked.
"It's not that... I don't want to trouble him and panic him. He is busy with his stuffs aur waise bhi woh bahut chinta kartha hain meri. Pareshan ho jata hain choti choti baat main. Aaj hi dekh lo, he knew something was bothering me and he was pestering me to say that, but I did not tell him. I don't want him to take any worries for me or help me in my struggles" Shehnaaz stated clearly.
"But I told him!" Karou declared unbothered very coolly.
"Hugh?" stunned Shehnaaz asked "you told him, what? When did he call you? And why are you both talking about me behind my back?" she questioned.
"Agar Sidharth Sharma mujhe call karega toh main apne kabr se nikal kar baat karu..." honestly, he replied.
"Fittey muh... Swapna, I tell you maar denna hain mainey isse...Kotheya... Kanjar kahin ka... Boo da boja..." she started to hit him and cuss him in her language and threw empty bottles, chip packet, pillow on him.
"Yeh gaali dete waqt teri Punjabi bahar nikal aati hain waise badi sophisticated banni rehti hain... Main bhi du Nepali main gali?" Karou teased hiding behind Swapna and poked her on her waist tickling to stand up. "Chal bhaagte hain isse pehle yeh Durga Maata ban jaye"
"Stop you two..." Swapna clamored laughing with the tickle and fell in the floor.
After all the banter and repartee, they cleaned the place as Shehnaaz was always specific about cleaning the area and she hates any mess around her. Karou was in his room talking to his parents. Swapna was helping Shehnaaz in the kitchen, and she expressed her thought, "Naaz, I wanna tell you that you are very lucky to find someone so loving and caring. I am very happy for you"
"Me too! I am indeed very lucky. Tu bhi kam lucky nahi hain waise... Karou adores you... Maine kabhi usse kissi ke liye itna serious nahi dekha. I am also very happy for you guys. Jaa woh tera wait kar raha hoga" she said when her mobile started to ring. She walked to the living room to grab it and the name displayed gave her a warm smile.
"Tu bhi jaa, tera bhi koi betaabi se wait kar raha hain" Swapna winked and giggled running towards Karou's room.
Shehnaaz went to her room and laid down in bed answering the call of Sidharth. They had a long talk, but he did not mention anything about his chat with Karou or whatever was bothering her. This time he was talking, and she was listening, which normally doesn't happen between them. She had always been a talker, very expressive and very open. He was usually a listener, quiet and would advise with his wise words in between but today he felt that being a good listener is good, but equally important is to be a responsible talker. He talked about the events, his good moments, some bad experiences. He shared each thing that came to his mind which might have crossed through his thoughts but have never shared to anyone.
"Gaana gaa" he demanded.
"Bas itne main tak gaye baat karke" she giggled sitting up and supporting her back in the headboard.
"Neend aa rahi hain... tired not of speaking but it was a busy day. Gaana gaa na... jaldi..." he urged.
He has been undeniably adamant of her singing every day before going to bed. It's been a routine for many days now. He was obsessed with her singing. If he is angry, frustrated, irritated, happy, sad, blissful, whatever mood or situation he may be, he wants to listen to her voice singing before sleeping, relaxing, going to work, going for a meeting, in the car, room anything as matter of fact. He says her voice is lucky for him.
She would happily sing for him just to watch his blissful, calm face. His eyes are always shut when he listens or glued to her lips. His legs, which usually twitch sideways, either stop or move to the rhythm. She could visibly see his breath calming down. He would go into a meditative zone. She would be aware of the high notes, of the blissful faces and the soft messages of his body and listen to the silent message of a highly willful soul.
The self and its pathos are a subjective entity created by our thoughts and deeds. All sense of happiness and emotional wellbeing turns upon how a person organizes their stream of consciousness into a creation and development of a positive or negative state of mindfulness. Her mind created negative thoughts and she doubted herself and her skill. Just a talk to his man and the minute things he shared made her realize many deep-rooted complexities she had built.
"Sidhaaaarrthhh"
"Hmm..."
"Main na aaj bahut dukhi thi. Woh audition walon se phone hi nahi aaya mujhe. Karou ko aa gaya" she said pouting and flustered.
"Nahi aaya toh nahi aaya... isme duhi kyun hona. Ho saktha hain tere liye kuch iss se bhi acha opportunity lined up ho jaye. By the way it's their loss... saale ch****"
"Hehehee... Hayee... sachi... par koi na, I will work hard aur na main soch rahi thi singing competion main participate karu, what do you say?" she asked.
"What's there for me to say, whatever you think is best for you do it. I will respect your decision. You are very committed, agar kabhi off-track chali gayi toh main huin na to give you advice, clarity, or direction... I am always here for you." He said laid back.
"Thank you... sachi... main na tumhe yeh sab bolke tension nahi dena chah rahi thi. Par ab itna halka halka lag raha hain, aur tum na tension mat lena inn sab ka. I will manage everything."
"Bakk... Mujhe koi tension nahi hain aur thank you nahi Gaana suna bas aur kal subah aa jana ghar tameez se" he imposed.
"Hmmm..." she blushed thinking about meeting him tomorrow after three long days and satisfied his request and sang a song to his heart content. His favorite singer Kishore Kumar's song, Oh mere Dil ke chain (listen in the header). He absolutely loved it and he always says that she tries to express her thoughts the best with songs and this time too she did the same.
Love is a conscious matter growing and rising from the heart.
Its manifestation is an enlightening awareness from within the soul.
It blooms for the core of our being and cannot be materialized.
It's a higher consciousness of realty with a deep-rooted sense of beauty.
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Hello my dearest, I hope you like this update. My apologies for a long break but September is hard month for me. Please bear with my tardiness and keep voting and commenting.
Love you all and take care 💛💛💛
Please do read my interview to know more about me in Sidnaaz Watty award book by rabiyamuhammad999 Part 5