August 1st 7:47
Caroline
There's something unfamiliar after being home from a vacation, well in my case being hauled off to a psychiatric hospital for half a semester.
Being home feels a bit euphoric yet unsettling, the entire car ride home my mom seemed hopeful and spoke to me like I just got back from a girls sleepover, I think she's afraid of me. My father on the other hand has an idea of me and sticks to that, underneath his thick cranium I'm his perfect sweet little girl that has never existed.
Humans are like that, when there is darkness and everything is not idealistic to their every needing tendencies they block it out. It's a disease that'll never be cured yet won't linger on like a tick so they block it in the dark corner of their memory and coexist with it.
I on the other hand, think that's bull. They did that with me by sending me to that God awful Sunny Days Psychiatric for mentally disturbed teens—- ironic isn't it? You get admitted and don't see a sunny day for the rest of that trial, luckily for me I had to serve for half a semester which was my entire junior year summer.
At Sunny Days there are semesters you serve based on your mental disorder, progress, or for how long your guardians admit you for; sort of like schooling systems.
My parents are not cruel, they did what any sane parent would do after... The incident but I don't want to talk about it, I want to be better—-I am better now and—-"Honey dinner" Erica says, I hate it I mean absolutely hate it when people interrupt my thought process "Coming" I respond back.
"Hey kiddo" father says while gleaming.
I sarcastically grin back in response as I pass him to gather the contents from the pots and pans onto my plate, he's the one that should be admitted, he is freakishly always in the constant state of being content with everyone and everything.
"Honey... Let's talk" my mother says as i make my way to my room. "I would like for us to eat at the table... From now on" hesitantly I turn and head to the dining room table.
We have a modern design all throughout our house, especially in our dining room with our nude,stone, and slate black accents and a light fixture illuminating through the whole room over our sleet wooden dining table.
"Your father and I thought it'd be best to withdraw you from Westbrook and move forward with St. Jose's private school for your senior year." She sighed "It's important that yes, you start fresh but that you recognize where it all went wrong and how to contain um your unspoken thoughts so that way they don't... Come to life"—-"What your mother is trying to say is that she wants you to start seeing a psychiatrist before school starts... Everyone sometimes needs an ear, this has nothing to do with you pumpkin or what happened between you and Abi"—- before he even finishes his sentence I cut him off, not letting him say the name of what makes my skin irk and blood boil and the sole reason I was sent to Sunny Days—- but there was never any Sunny Days it was a Hell Hole and that's all I had... Hell for, days.
"I understand" I huffed in my mind but it came almost out like a whisper. My mother is staring at me like I'm a ticking time bomb on its last five seconds about to explode, I don't want to give her the satisfaction so I pop the seasoned potatoes with carrots into my mouth, there's also a hunk of pot roast on my plate but I am not in the mood to chew excessively through the fatty meat.
"See honey, she's taking it like a champ and is still our little girl, always have been and always will be." As he pops a chuck of roast beef in his mouth and as expected is chewing down like the meat is stingy and is holding on like hands across America.
After a dreadful evening consisting of catching my mother give me silent glances and every now and then saying things insinuating that moving cities was beneficial for all of us and that she has a feeling things will turn around for us all, when I know she really means me and then my father blabbing about the structure of a castle that popped up on his Instagram reel, almost crying. I shower thinking about how at first my internal thoughts were unbearable but now, i think it's the inner thoughts of my Mother and Father coming into existence.
As I lay into my bed romanticizing the nothingness of it all, the medication hasn't worn off from all the months Sunny Days shoved them down my throat. Drifting away into a sleep that I seemed to always chase at Hell for Days.
August 13th 2:22 pm
"Psychiatrists are just like that hun" my mother protested as we stroll past the stores of the mall "give her and this arrangement a chance" she said in her light monotone voice but I'm not dull minded and know it was more of a demand. The psychiatrist on the other hand was very dull minded, constantly asking me to break down every answer to her question when it doesn't take much but common sense and logical thinking. One could say I did cooperate though, that is why my mother decided to treat me to a shopping spree to of which, I couldn't turn down.
As we enter the high end store I couldn't help but feel out of place in the store that concludes what one would call formal minimalist, I imagine my mother buying up the whole store and strutting into her firm knowing all eyes are on her. "I'm going to go get a pretzel" I tell her, not even bothering to be subtle she sizes me up and finally humms a response. This woman acts like she'd seen my hit list and her name was in red underlined.
As I finish my order I am approached by a dark haired girl who looks like she's ready for an argument at any second and a brown haired timid looking boy.
"Hi I'm Veronica and this is my best friend James, we're asking as many people as we can if James crush is leading him on or has a thing for our lover boy, and well you looked promising—-"
"I'm intrigued... Go on."
I answer back she stares at me for a bit and goes on, the boy, James has a wave of nervousness on his face. "James has been talking to Ashton for the past six months and has been giving him mixed signals until of last weekend where he asked James out on an intimate date-" "It's not a date, we're just hanging out." He interrupts "You call it a hang out I call it a date." She added then turns to me, I'm not sure how I got twisted into this because it feels as if I've known them forever and got pulled into an argument and have to choose a side. "It sounds like a date to me." I find myself smiling for the first time after being back from Hell for Days.
"See I told you" she says excitedly.
"I'm not going to get my hopes up and still call it a casual hang out."
"Whatever, what's your story telling by your body language and the fact that I've never seen you before you're new." She adds staring deeply into me, she has eyes of blue—-light blue like the sky during an evening of nothing but sun.
"Yes, I just moved here."
"Interesting new girl."
"Caroline." I added "My names Caroline."
"Okay Caroline I'm going to still call you new girl." she says playfully but a bit aggressive.
"Don't mind her she is a mix of Doberman, Border Collie, and Gold Retriever." The boy James says, warming up to me. She looked up like she was in deep thought deciding, whether this would be an argument or a non opinionated fact.
"It's true." She finally let up. "So what school will you be attending? Telling by your glass skin and Balenciaga Cagole purse and 'That Girl' energy your still a teenager and are somewhere between 17-18." He was korean with a round shaped face with round glasses to match his personality and flatter his face shape
"18, and I am enrolled in St.Jose's private school."
"Well you're in luck new girl because we've been there for the past three year's and know the ups and downs and every corner of that school." She said stepping to me wrapping a arm around my shoulder, startling me and making me a deer in headlights. "So new girl you should walk around with us, your pretzels ready." She removes her arm allowing me to go to the counter to collect my pretzel.
"I would just have to tell my mother." They nod and I hand the girl Veronica my pretzel not too sure why but sped walked feeling like a hamster on a wheel.
"I met some friends who go to St. Jose and they just invited me to walk the mall with them." I tell her not really expecting a response because I wasn't really asking she hummed a response again while nodding a bit hesitantly "meet me by the water fall at 3:30" I nod and rush back.
After a long wrap around the mall I exchange numbers and socials with them and as I head back to the water fall the girl, Veronica stops me "Don't forget James date is this weekend, we have to prepare him I'll text you the details." He rolls his eyes but also seems grateful needing all the help he can get.
I only nod and make my way to Erica before she has a nervous breakdown. Driving back home I find myself in a daze that I can't seem to decipher the cause of feeling but we'll call it somewhere between content and hope.
We drive into the CVS pharmacy, confused then realizing my mother is picking up my medication that my new so called psychiatrist prescribed, refills of Hell for Days prescriptions that I hate and what seems to be Levonorgestrel Plan B pills.
Why is she getting birth control when I overheard my father and her discuss trying for another? I examined her for a second then left it alone.
August 19th 7:55pm
"So um, dad you know my friends I met at the mall last weekend, they invited me to hang out with them tomorrow afternoon."
"Ahh Hailey and Ronny." He seemed almost so sure, proud even.
"No Shaun, Veronica and James."
I'm taken back by her strong memory but then again ever since Hell for Days she has started to hold onto any sort of sign that this move was actually beneficial and not a lost cause.
"And honey, with such short notice it doesn't seem likely. I'm not even too sure you're ready for that." She added but I don't recall asking her.
Feeling a rise of fury but then nothing because of all of the intrusive thoughts being blocked out by all of my prescribed medication I sit back and just stare silently at the untouched pasta on my plate.
"Ric, the whole point of us moving was for our little girl"—-
"And us!" She chimes in smiling bitterly at me.
"You're right, for us to start off fresh and I think that is was quite nice of Victoria and Jamie to be so welcoming towards our baby girl I see why not." turning to me with a mouth full. "Your mother will be at work tomorrow anyway and I have a few projects to be on site for in the evening I'll drop you off and your mother can pick you up after her work." I pay little attention to my parents work schedules but I quite often find it working in my favor due to moments like these. I only nod and turn to see my mother glaring at my father then turning to me with a blank expression then to her plate with a forkful.
After dinner I try to feel something, anything but I can't and that's the problem. What was the point of leaving Hell for Days just to be met with the same feeling of nothingness. I later decide to skip my pm meds and throw them down the sink, my parents and the whole world may push their demons to untouched corners of their brain but my demons can't fit in corners and take up too much space, they always have, I just have to be better at hiding them this go around.
I sleep knowing that I'll be back again but as I mentioned before, better—- better at control and concealing when it's beneficial for me. I find myself smiling. Skipping todays am and pm meds are already kicking in, this feels nice, good even.
What could go wrong?
˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
Oh lawddd, talk about collateral damage....
What happened at Sunny Days? Why does she
need to take medication? Who is Abigail and
what happened to her? Why is her mother now
deciding to take birth control after discussing
to start trying for another? What will happen
when our dear Caroline stops taking her
medication? So many questions that I can
answer, but why would I do that? Keep reading
to find out ;)
Let me know your thoughts!
See you later my Angels! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚