TW's: #substance_abuse #character_death #car_accident
#depression #sadluv
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kindly read the Author's Note at the end after completing the story
Votes and comments are highly appreciated~
The whole story is in Felix's POV
I wore his favorite rings, wore those dangling earrings he gifted on our 1st anniversary, looked in the mirror, and smiled at myself.
He would have loved me right now
I grab the car keys that jingled against my rings and headed towards the door. Before locking I turned and smiled at my home.
our home
I start driving and glance over the shotgun seat.
Hey, buckle my seat belt for me baby please~
Oh, honey, you are such a baby hmm? Here I'll do it for you.
How he would always ask me to buckle his seat belt for him and how he would steal a quick kiss every time I did it.
I chuckle thinking about the old times, tears prick my eyes but I quickly shake my head, I don't wanna cry. No. Not today, I should be happy.
I start the car and head towards the Dance Room, as every competition I had reserved seats for my friends, but one seat was empty.
He is not here, you need to brace yourself up I kept telling myself that so that I won't break down in front of anyone.
I waved to my friends and they waved back, at least they are happy, they believe that I am happy too. I am happy for them.
I rush past the backstage staff and enter my green room. Memories come back to me
he kissed my lips, Umm baby that was amazing
Thanks, bunny baby, but I think that spin wasn't that good I pout thinking I failed him
hey can't, shh-shh that spin was the most amazing thing I had ever seen, It's my favorite thing you know? When you spin so gracefully and do not give care to the ongoing world and land so elegantly on your feet, it amazes me every time I see you spin baby.
I remember sitting on the counter, against the mirror cuddling him.
I remember the way he used to rub his thumb over my hands to calm me down before the performance.
I remember the way we made love after I won that competition.
I remember the way his lips felt on my skin.
I remember exchanging I love you under the starry sky.
I remember holding him in my arms when he kissed me for the last time.
I remember him telling me to let go.
I remember telling him to stay, just a little longer.
I remember kissing him goodbye ~
I shudder suddenly and realize that I have tears rolling down my cheeks, I sigh and wipe them. I can't cry, not now, not yet, I shouldn't cry. I start my makeup, I don't hide my freckles as I still remember him telling me
I love them!
Love what? I asked cluelessly.
I love the kisses angels gave you; they turned into stars across your face.
He said and started pecking my face. I fluttered closed my eyes and let him do it.
Never cover them, yeah? I nod and lean in for another kiss.
We were under the covers in our most vulnerable state, we made love to each other for the first time then.
Is this okay, he asked while kissing my cheeks carefully.
I nod while biting my lip, it hurt but I wanted to do this, I knew he won't hurt me, and I trusted him.
Okay, then he breathed and kissed me to distract me from the pain that soon turned into pleasure.
It was not lust nor was it a sex drive,
It was love, passion, and our desire, it was our trust, our warmth, our adoration for each other our LOVE for each other.
The first performance began and I could care less about it, my act is the last one so I have plenty of time before it to remember him, our memories together. I wear my air-pods and let the music drown me. The first song that played brought back memories, at this point in my life everything reminded me of him, his laugh, his giggles, his cute little pout, his everything...
I still remember the first time he sang for me it was when he proposed to me and asked me to be his boyfriend. I chuckle remembering old times the way he propose to me was quite a cliche, with the help of all our friends he proposed to me in the park, and me being the cheesy person I am was on cloud 9. He lit the path with numerous candles and scattered rose petals all around it, he sat on a chair at the end of the rose's trail, had a guitar in his hands, and the moment his eyes landed on me, he smiled, his eyes lit up like the little stars in the sky. He shook his head, took a deep breath, and started singing. I froze in my steps, his angelic voice filling my ears and his eyes locking with mine filled with pure love and adoration. There and then he got up, came towards me, led me to the circle, got down on one knee, and asked me to be his boyfriend. I squealed loudly, hugged him, and pecked his face multiple times saying yes over 'n' over again. He chuckled, put his guitar down, grabbed my waist, and pulled me closer. All the crowd went silent, our foreheads touched and we could feel each other's breath.
"I love you," I said "I love you infinite babes" he breathed and connected our lips in our first kiss.
The song ends and I come back into reality, I wipe my eyes and chuckle at myself "So I really can't keep from crying huh?" I ask myself as I look in the mirror. I could have cared less about my appearance but I want to look my best for Him.
I know He would have loved it if I was happy while performing, so I am gonna make him happy.
I re-do my make-up, apply his strawberry chapstick and fix my hair a bit. He loved blonde on me, I still remember how he used to pat my head if I listened to him or how his touch used to calm me down when he stroked my hair.
I grabbed the bottle of pills along with my drink, I chuckle dryly remembering another moment with him. As I said before everything reminds me of him now. This drink too rushed back a memory.
Hey baby, I don't want to see you suffer so much anymore hm? Here I'll help you, let's drink this electro-drink.
I shook my head I don't want to try and drink another thing hell I don't even wanna have water anymore. My throat feels like it is on fire along with my whole body. I weakly shook my head with closed eyes, I don't have the energy to open them and look at him.
Lixie sweetie don't be stubborn and drink it, babe, I know you don't feel like it but it will help soothe your throat, yeah? And if it settles down I'll get you some meds too.
Meds, yeah that's what I'm gonna have with this drink this time too.
I try to lift my face but just the odor of the drink makes me nauseous again. My eyes water as I shake my head furiously.
Ok ok calm down bubs, you don't want to have it? Ok, then we won't have it, now no need to be so worked up about it hm? Let's lay down for a while.
I nodded, not trusting my words, and let him slip into my bed. He kissed my cheeks and sighed deeply.
I remember that it was because of the dance performance, I had to dance in the water to recreate a rain-like scene. I was stressed out because of it and practiced day and night, on the day of the performance I was not feeling so well but me being the stubborn person I am, still danced in the water. After the performance as soon as I stepped backstage I collapsed, after that everything was a blur to me, I heard people calling out to me but their voices were muffled and everything turned black. After I woke up He told me that I fainted, and I slipped back into the dark hole, when I finally gained consciousness I was in our Home, yeah home, the place I dread most now because, without Him, home isn't home without him being there, it's a torturous hell, everything reminds of him, the sofa- our cuddles, the bed- us making love, even the small decoration pieces held so much meaning to me because we either shopped them together or we made them together in a silver workshop.
I flinch and get pulled out of my thoughts when I hear a knock on the door and a few giggles here 'n' there. I opened the door with a big smile on my face while hiding my meds in the drawer quickly. "Hey guys, I'm glad you made it to my performance," I said and opened my arms for a group hug.
"How you feelin' Lix?"
"Pretty good actually!"
"That's great! All the best for your performance, we booked Lévanter Hotel a table for 7 tonight! I heard the restaurant's great, after all, it's 5-star so booking was a bit of a hassle but anything to celebrate your dance!"
Yeah anything to celebrate my happiness, that's what He used to tell me.
I quickly shove my friends out of my green room using the excuse of being anxious if around people. The moment the door shut my eyes filled with pure Hatred,
How could they forget him so easily? It has just been a year and yet they act like nothing was ever wrong.
Don't they remember? Well I do, I remember everything, the way he gasped for air in my lap, the way he touched my face for the last time with his bloodied hands, the way smiled at me telling me not to cry while crying himself.
I still vividly remember that day, it was the 14th of September.
He had decided to do the grocery shopping with me, I was checking out all the goods n' stuff we had bought and he decided to grab a seat in the cafe across the road, he even asked me what cake I wanted to eat so that he could order it and I can eat it as soon as I was free from the billing. I was still smiling at the cashier and responding to her attempt of making a short conversation when I heard a loud thud and an ear-piercing scream that followed.
I looked outside and saw a car speeding off from the scene, running outside I saw Him lying on the road, a crowd started gathering, somebody called 911, I looked at him, "Hey" he dryly chuckled out, I couldn't stop my tears at his state, blood pooling around him and he still managed to smile at me, I gently cradled his head in my lap, his hissed in pain but again started working on his breathing, steadying it a bit before reaching out his hand to touch my cheeks. "I can feel it Lix, I- I know that it's the end."
"No silly it's not, just keep looking at me, hm?" I told him while crying my eyes out.
"hey shh, no crying please, I wanna see you smile the last thing before going. I know I sound weird but trust me Lix, I won't make it on time, It's time for me to go."
I sobbed harder and yelled at people to tell the medics to hurry and cradled his head and stroked his hair while asking him to be quiet and focus on my voice only. He interrupted me and told me "Okay Lix, I know we tell each other this every day but, I love you, I love you with all of me and I can't tell you how perfect you are, those little stars under your eyes, the halo that is always above your head, the sparkle that your eyes held, your smile can make my worst days better and I-" He choked on his blood and I started panicking. "Hey Hey it's okay, it will end in a few minutes, please don't cry my love, I know it will, I won't be able to wake up next to you tomorrow so please don't stop me and tell me how much I love you hm. Lee Felix, if I could I would like to marry you and tell you how much I love you every day but since I can't-"
"no no no no NO, you are going to live my love, we are going to be alright hm? The medics will arrive soon and then we will be off to the hospital and you will wake up next to me every day, then we will have a cheesy proposal and a cheesy wedding. I- I.... I know u-you want a wedding in a garden right, we will do exactly that, just- just hold onto a little longer my love, please." I cried out and he looked at me with tears in his eyes.
"Lix, can you kiss me for the last time" he drew in a shuddering breath, "please love."
I nodded and leaned onto him and it was then that his hand which was in mine this whole time fell and he forced himself to smile and said 'I love you for the last time.
The medics were late to arrive that day, he was reported dead when the medical officers arrived, I wasn't crying, no he wanted to see me smile for the last time so I didn't cry. I held his funeral in a garden instead of a hall, he was buried not cremated, I wanted him to stay in this world with me, and since he can't stay with me, guess I'll just go to him then, the last performance of the day was announced and I had to go up on stage in 5 minutes. I quickly grabbed the bottle and downed all the pills and gulped the whole bottle, gagging a little but it meant that I could see him sooner, so a little pain won't hurt.
I stand backstage, the staff ready to uplift the curtains on my cue, I nodded my head and music started playing. All my friends' smiles dropped once they looked at me, I didn't bother cleaning my tear-stained face. I started onto the empty chair and started moving.
I didn't even realize I was crying until a tear fell on my hand, by now the pills had started kicking in and were making me feel a bit dizzy, now here was the part that My Love loved, the pirouette.
I started spinning, and spinning and kept on spinning, at this point I could care less about the rest of the choreography, I just wanted to enjoy my last dance. So I did a pirouette and kept on doing it until I suddenly felt dizziness crashing down on me, I could feel something rising in the back of my throat but I still danced, as the song ended, my knees buckled and I fell on the stage, I was able to hear hushed murmurs, and I could feel a foam-like substance flowing out of my mouth, I saw my friends panic and rushing over to me, I just closed my eyes and when I opened them again, I saw Him, he was standing there smiling at me, opening his arms asking me to come to him. So I went to him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lee Felix, an amazing son, brother, friend and boyfriend, died on 14th September. He suffered from depression after losing his beloved in a car crash, we all have gathered here today to honor him on his journey to his new life, may he reunite with his love and stay happy till eternity.
The friend group which was once Eight now was left to be Six, no one was cheerful, they all blamed themselves for believing their friend's facade, they should have known that the boy was hurting, they should have known that he was faking it all, they should have known that He won't forget about Him.
~The End
Author's Note
Hello my lovelies, well wasn't it a lovely story, sorry sorry. I certainly was not in the best head space while writing it. And I sincerely apologize if I made you cry because trust me I cried A LOT while writing it too.
As some of you might have noticed that I didn't really name who was Felix's boyfriend? Well I kept it at an open end, y'all can ship any member you want and do tell me which ship did you use?
#Chanlix #Changlix #Hyunlix #Minlix #Jilix #Seunglix #Jeonglix
Again, sorry for making you cry my dearies, here you go I am sending y'all some virtual cuddles to make you guys feel better!
Until the next time!
Wuv chu all<3
-Kate