TW: mentions of S*lf h*rm
Bruising on the skin eventually goes away, fading without a trace. It's as if it never happened. But it did happen. Multiple times. Butters has been at the mercy of his Fathers hands far too often. Hell, even just once should never happen. He can't even count how many times he had fallen victim to his Fathers outbursts. And yet, as he stared at himself in the mirror, it was as if his memories were a lie now that his skin had healed. Not a smudge of blue, purple, or even yellow was there to stain his skin anymore.
He should have been happy that no traces of physical pain was left to stain him. Or maybe relieved at the least. But he didn't. He didn't feel any of that. He should though. So why isn't he? No more bruising should be a sign that he was free, right?
The mirror he had been staring at started to fog up, reminding him of the shower that was calling for him. He removed his hoodie, catching eye of his arms afterwards.
Oh...that was why.
The scars he hides under his sleeves will always serve as a reminder that while his Father may not be able to hurt him physically, he has still severely poisoned his mind. He will still hear the yelling late at night. He will still cower under the thought of his parents eyes on him, judging his every move. He will still speak to himself with the same hatred his Father spoke to him with.
He was away from them. But their puppet strings were still clinging to him.
Some days were better than others. On the good days, he never noticed the strings. He was able to step away from the performance that was his parents preferred way of life. He didn't feel ashamed for letting Bebe do his nails or putting on something pink and frilly. On those days, he was just a boy having fun.
On the bad days however, sometimes it got so bad he felt like the strings were strangling him. He would be dragged across the day barely able to breath let alone think for himself. "Don't wear that!" His Fathers voice would echo in his head. "Why are you like this?!", "You don't like boys! You aren't a fag!" "You're upsetting your mother!"
Today was one of those days.
They still have me under his control. He thought to himself as he stepped into the shower. He looked down at his arms. "I will never..." His breathing hitched as his eyes flooded with tears "...I will never escape them". He couldn't help but to break down into sobs. He covered his mouth trying to silence his cries. The walls in this bathroom liked to echo so much as a pin drop throughout the rest of the second floor.
It wasn't fair. He was just starting to feel small buds of hope starting to grow. He was just starting to think that, maybe, things would be okay. But then his mother had to show up in front of that restaurant. That was the first time in months she had spoken to him, or even look him in the eye. Under any other circumstances, he may have been happy about it. Instead, though, she waisted her breath begging him to come back so that he could be "fixed". That single encounter completely pulled out the ground from beneath his feet, taking away those small buds of hope with it. Just seeing her face was enough to bring back all those unwanted memories, all those unwanted feelings of never being good enough. Never being worthy of love. Never feeling at peace with himself.
It was scary to think that someone could hold so much power over you without saying a word. His Mother said a lot of things to him that day. But she never needed to when he was living with her. One look into that lost stare of hers and he was kept bound to wanting nothing more than an ounce of her approval. A single smile. One look of pure love again. He was willing to do anything to get the mother he knew back. She wasn't here to look at him now. She didn't need to though. Her stare had been burned into the back of his mind. As for his Father, well, his bloody hands did most of the talking for him. And sometimes Butters could still feel how hard he'd hit the floor. He could still feel how he'd get the bruises, the bloody noses, the busted lips, all of it. Sometimes he's wake up from his nightmares feeling himself being hit again.
What if it never gets better? What if he goes the rest of his life without even breathing the same air as his parents and he still hates himself? What if the strings never let him go?
As he cried in the shower, he found himself dragging his nails across his arms, desperately wanting the same feeling of his old blade. Ironically enough, he found himself missing the pain, even though he never wanted pain from his parents ever again. It didn't matter though. They were still hurting him.
He was able to keep his cries quiet enough. Even so, Bebe noticed how red his eyes looked when he emerged into the bedroom after getting dressed. And Kenny could easily see how drained he was.
"You okay?" Kenny asked him.
Without looking up from the floor, he nodded. "I'm fine" he mumbled. "Just tired".
Bebe sighed and sat down on the floor next to her nail polish kit. She brought her arms up to him. "Come here" she whispered. Slowly, he stepped towards her and sat in her lap facing the same direction. She rested her chin on his shoulder, not caring that his hair was still damp. She dug through her box of nail polish until she found a nice baby blue. The best color on Butters, in her opinion.
She unscrewed the cap and held her hand out for Butters. But his arms remained tightly snugged against his waist as he hugged himself.
"What's wrong, babe?" Bebe asked him. "You were so excited earlier to have your nails done".
Butters let out a long sigh. "I know...It's just..." he trailed off unable to finish his sentence.
Kenny chewed at his bottom lip as he traced over Butters expression, trying to find answers in those lost eyes of his.
"Sometimes-" Butters continued. His eyes still hadn't left the fluffy white carpet. "Sometimes I just feel like...I shouldn't".
"Shouldn't what?" Kenny asked.
Butters shrugged, even though he knew the answer. There were multiple answers in fact. He shouldn't do this. Shouldn't do that. It all boiled down to the fact that he shouldn't do what makes him happy. The very dumb idea had been hammered down on him since he was just a kid. And while he truly believed that everyone else should be able to wear what they want, do what they want, love who they want, he still found it difficult to allow himself that same sense of freedom. He looked at the nail polish and all he could think of was the angry looks of his Father, the lost stare of his Mother, the yelling, the hitting, the fighting.
It was dumb to be so upset over nail polish. And yet here he was about to cry all over again. He tried to blink away the tears that were making his vision blurry.
Then Kenny walked over and had a seat in front of him. He grabbed a bottle of pink nail polish. "I'll do mine if you do yourrss" he sang.
Butters, though still hesitant, gave a small smile. He watched as Kenny unscrewed the cap and pulled out the wet brush. His freckled friend then leaned in real close to his hand, applying the color as carefully as possible. "You're not gonna leave me hanging are ya?" Kenny said with a smirk.
Finally, Butters gave in. He layed his hand in Bebes, allowing her to do her thing. He kept his eyes on the pink polish being spread across each of his friends fingernails.
"Ooh, wait!" Bebe stopped Kenny before he reached his last pinkie. "I've got an idea. Here," she handed him the blue polish. "Use that, and I'll take this," she took the pink polish and used it to paint Butters pinkie. "Now you guys match!" She cheered.
Butters and Kenny both stared at their nails, and at each others. Shy smiles spread across their faces as their cheeks turned pink. Butters brought his hand closer to admire the pretty blue polish across his fingernails, and the pink on his pinkie that matched Kenny's nails, who had the blue polish on his own pinkie.
"They look very nice on you hun" Bebe hummed. "Don't let anyone make you think otherwise".
Butters nodded. "Thanks guys. It's just hard sometimes".
Kenny placed his hands on Butters shoulders, being careful so as not to smudge off any of the color off his nails. "Listen squirt, forget what you're parents have told you. You were not born to be who they want you to be. Screw that cookie cutter bullshit parents try to push on their kids. You were born to be who you want to be. No one else gets to decide that. Only you. I went years keeping myself in a frikin box so that I wouldn't anger my parents, but as soon as I came out of it, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. They don't approve of everything I do. But that's on them. Not me, and certainly not you. If they don't accept you, that's their problem".
Butters teared up again. But this time the tears were from joy. One of those tears escaped him as he smiled and pulled Kenny in for a hug. "Thank you Kenny. I really needed to hear that".
"Um, y-yeah, of course dude" Kenny said trying to ignore how warm and fuzzy his chest felt.
Bebe joined in on the hug, squishing Butters in between them. "We love you Buttercup," she cooed.
"I love you guys too. I seriously don't know what I'd do without you".
"Hey man, me too" Kenny admitted. "You're really one of the best friends I've ever had. I mean, Kyle, Stan, and Eric, they've been my friends since we were in diapers but...No one else really understands me like you guys do. And Buttercup, you're the reason why I was able to come out of my shell. I'm so much more like myself because of you".
"Really?" The small blonde asked. "You really mean it Ken?"
Kenny nodded. "Do you remember when you were assigned to be my tutor and we started spending more time together? You said something during one of those lessons that's stuck with me ever since. You said that the only people who matter in your life are the ones who don't mind who you truly are. And that the ones who do mind, don't matter". He pulled away from the hug, just enough to meet eyes with him, and placed a hand over his cheek. "You always do everything you can to make others feel like they belong. You should treat yourself with that same kindness".
Butters sniffled and placed his hand over Kenny's. "I'll try" he whispered.
"Good" Kenny said with a smile. "It's only fair to yourself". He then leaned in and planted a soft kiss on Butters nose before pulling away. And butters had to look away to hide his now rosy cheeks. "Alright," Kenny sighed as he stood up. "I better go take Mooshie outside quick so he doesn't pee on Bebebs carpet".
"Again" Bebe said annoyed.
Kenny scooped up the possum in his arms. "Hey, that just means he likes you".
"Mm-hm" She hummed in a sarcastic tone.
"Maybe I'll let him pee on your bed instead".
"No! Kenny, I will eat your face off!"
He laughed as he left the room and hurried down the stairs.
A comfortable silence filled the room soon after. That is until Bebe spoke up again. "Hey hun?" She asked in a tone that made Butters worry. She sounded serious.
"Yeah?" Butters replied already grabbing his sleeve.
"Um, I..." she hesitated. "We'll I've noticed that this whole summer you...never really wear anything that doesn't have sleeves and..." Butters fingers tightened around the fabric in his hand. "Yesterday I saw the bandages. Did you fall back into...old habits?" She asked not knowing how else to word it. All Butters could do was hug himself. Bebe wrapped her arms around him tight. A little while after they first became friends, he had admitted to her that he used to self harm in middle school. She had hoped he wouldn't do it again. And for a while her hopes seemed true, up until now that is.
"I'm sorry" Butters mumbled as he hugged himself tighter.
"No, don't be sorry Leo" Bebe spoke softly. "Just, promise me that if you ever feel like hurting yourself again that you'll come to me? Or Kenny?"
Butters nodded and whispered a soft "I promise".
"Good" Bebe whispered back. She kissed the top of his head.
"I actually felt like hurting myself when I was in the shower" Butters admitted. "And I um..." he crawled out of Bebes lap and sat on the floor to face her. Then he slowly pulled up his sleeve to show her the scratch marks he made with his nails over his old scars. They were small, and only a light shade of pink. They would probably disappear within a day or so. Regardless, it still wasn't good, and they both new that.
Bebe took his arm and gently placed her hand over it. "Thank you for telling me sweetheart. These scars do no define you. I hope you know that".
"I try to remember" Butters said with a shrug. "I don't really know why I do it in the first place".
"Well, there's a few reasons why people might do it" Bebe said. "They might do it to feel in control of something when they don't feel in control of anything else. Or to relieve themselves from emotional pain they're experiencing, to process negative feelings, a distraction, or they might feel as though they deserve it".
Butters nodded. "Yeah, I guess-" he pulled his sleeves back down and knees to his chest to rest his arms over them. "I guess that makes sense".
"How are you feeling right now? Are you okay?" Bebe asked him. She placed a hand over his.
"Yeah, I will be" Butters said with a small smile. "I'm just tired of feeling like I'm still trapped".
"I think it's normal to feel that way. You spent your whole life under their ridiculous rules. It can feel a bit unnatural at first once you're on your own".
"Do you think...I'll ever feel normal?"
"What do you mean, love?"
"Like...I don't feel like I have to listen to the voice in my head that tells me no. Or, that I'll be able to do what makes me happy without feeling guilty about it, ya know?"
Bebe hummed. "I hope so. Because you deserve every ounce of happiness you can get and more, babe".
Butters smiled softly. "Thanks Bebe".
"Of course, hun. Now, let's finish getting you ready for tonight" she said with a wink. The three of them had agreed to go to the Mall after another long day of working on the cabin. She fetched her makeup kit and placed it in front of her.
"Oh, are you sure it won't be too over the top?" Butters asked while fidgeting with his hands. "We're just going to the Mall to see a movie and maybe the arcade".
"You can never be too dressed up darling" Bebe replied. She placed her hand under Butters chin to bring him closer and brought out the mascara. "Besides, I know Kenny will love it. He's sure to marry you in no time".
A deep shade of red spread across Butters face. "Bebe!" He squeaked out.
"Don't move!" She laughed.
"Don't tease me!" Butters whined in response.
"As your Mother, that is my job".
"Can I adopt a new mom?"
"Nope. You're stuck with me" she grabbed a soft shade of pink blush and brushed it across his cheeks.
Butters POV
As Bebe applied blush to my face, I felt my worries starting to wash away. Tonight would be yet another amazing night with people who truly care about me. Maybe it will be a while before I finally feel free. But in the meantime, I sure am lucky to have my friends with me.
"Aaand, done!" Bebe cheered. She handed me a mirror to admire her work. I smiled as I looked at the eye liner wings, mascara, blush, and the soft pink lip gloss. I had to admit, I felt pretty cute.
"Thank youuuu" I said pulling Bebe in for a hug. I stood up and slipped on my Sanrio hoodie over my long sleeve T-shirt. I had a frilly white skirt and my Sanrio shoes to go with it.
Just then Kenny came back up the stairs. "Okay, Mooshies business is taken care of so now you can stop your complaining and-" He froze the second he came through the door and stared at me. His face started to turn red.
"Kenny?" I questioned. "Are you okay, buddy?"
"Um, y-yeah. I'm fine" he stuttered. "What was I saying? Never mind doesn't matter. Leo you look adorable, let's go the the mall now" he swung himself around and quickly walked back down the hall. Bebe started chuckling to herself.
I frowned in confusion. "What is it?" I asked.
"Nothing" she giggled. "Come on, let's get outta here already".
I followed her out of the house and to the car. Kenny was already seated in the back. I decided I'd join him there. I smiled at him as I fastened my seat belt. He smiled back.
"Ahem" Bebe announced looking at Kenny through the rear mirror. "Kenneth McCormick, is that a possum in your hoodie?"
"Uhh, no" Kenny replied. "I'm...pregnant". Mooshie poked his head out of the bottom of his hoodie. "Oh my gosh would you look at that, I'm giving birth as we speak! Hurry Bebe! Take us to the Mall!"
"Yes, because that's where you go to have a baby".
"Hey, just imagine the headlines. 'This just in, 17 year old male gives birth to a possum at hot topic!"
I busted out laughing as Bebe rolled her eyes and pulled out of the driveway. "You're such a dingus, Kenny" she sighed.
"A loveable dingus" he winked.
"Yes, yes you are" I giggled.
He smiled and looked out the window. The sun was just starting to set behind the mountains. Bebe turned the radio on and I relaxed in my seat. My eyes went to my own window and occasionally over to Mooshie whenever he squirmed around in Kens hoodie. But then I found myself looking at Kenny. And then I was staring. He was too distracted by the passing cars and trees on his side to notice. The longer I stared the warmer my face got. I couldn't help myself though. His long hair draped perfectly over the sides of his face, the little scruffy beard he was was growing was...attractive, I had to admit. And don't even get me started on those adorable freckles of his. And his eyes...his eyes are staring at mine. HIS EYES ARE STARING AT MINE!
"O-oh, sorry ken!" I said quickly looking away. "I was...lost in thought".
He chuckled and ruffled my hair. "No worries, squirt".
"Okay" I whispered out shyly. I play with the strings on my hoodie and listen to nothing but the music for the remainder of the car ride.
30 minutes later we were in the parking lot. "Craig and Tweek should be here already" Bebe announced as we got out of the car. "Oh, yup, there's Craig's Jeep. Come on, I bet they're in the Arcade".
"Last one in is a krusty mall hotdog!" Kenny shouted as he ran past us. I laughed and ran after him. Bebe complained about Kenny getting a head start and her wearing heels but quickly caught up to us none the less. "Krusty mall hot dog" became an inside joke between us after we found one lying under one of mall garbage cans. Kenny was dared to eat it. No, he didn't eat it, thank all that is holly. But he did chuck it at a homophobe who had a problem with Kenny's nails being painted. We of course had to make a run for it after that. Good times.
I passed Kenny and was first to crash through the Mall doors, then Bebe a few seconds later. "Glad you could make it krusty" Bebe teased as soon as Kenny caught up.
"To be fair," He grabbed ahold of the lump in his hoodie, "I am full term".
"Oh shut up!" Bebe laughed and playfully pushed him.
"Hey guys!" A familiar voice spoke up. We turned around to see Tweek smiling ear to ear. Craig was close behind him.
"Hey fellas!" I said with a wave.
"Group hug!" Kenny shouted and shoved us all in one big hug as he promised. "Look at us, one big happy family".
"I need new friends" Craig complained.
"Aww did you hear that? Craig said we're his friends!" Kenny cooed.
"I hate you"
"Nu-uh! You looooove us!"
"Can you let me go now?"
Mooshie popped his head out of the top of Kenny's hoodie.
"AAHHHH!" Tweek screeched as he squirmed out of the group hug and ran back to the safety of the arcade. Craig flipped Kenny off before going after his boyfriend.
"Oops" Kenny said sheepishly. "Tweek wait I promise he's friendly!" He took Mooshie out of his hoodie and held him out as he ran into the arcade. "He's just a babyyy!"
I looked at Bebe and we giggled as we too made our way to the arcade. Once we were re-grouped and a Tweek had calmed down, we took turns playing games like Pac-Man, Cruisin World, A zombie shooting game. Well, Tweek and I sat out for that one.
Eventually I found myself at the claw machine. I always liked looking at the cute plushies inside.
"You gonna try winning one?" I jumped at the sudden voice coming from behind me but relaxed when I saw that it was Kenny.
"Oh, I-I don't know. I never have good luck with these sort of things" I admitted.
"Hm, maybe I can help with that" he fished out two quarters from his pocket and inserted them into the machine.
"You've played these before?" I asked curiously.
"I used to play these all the time and win stuff for Karen" Kenny answered. "All right, aim the claw over the one you want". I put my hand around the control and pushed to the the far right corner, where a particulary cute bunny plushie was hiding. "Alright," Kenny said softly. He wrapped his hand over mine. I felt a shock run through my entire body when our skin touched. I cleared my throat and tried my best to focus on the claw. "Move it a little more to the left" he said guiding me. "Aaaand, now!" I pressed down on the button and down went the claw. It snatched the plushie in a perfect grasp and brought it up and over to the opening before letting it go. And out came my new friend! "Tada!" Kenny said holding it up. "Here you go, Butterfly" he handed it to me and I smiled with a gasp.
Kenny's POV
I giggled out of peer joy as I watched Butters hug his new bunny pal.
"Oh, thank you Kenny! I'll treasure this forever!" He said sweetly.
And for a moment the world around us stopped existing. It was just me and him. My god, how is he this precious?
Dammit. I am stupidly madly in love with this boy. I'm in trouble. So much trouble.
"Um, y-yeah" I swallowed trying to push down the lump in my throat. "No problem".
He giggled and buried himself in my chest. I froze as a wave of what felt like electricity ran up my body. At first I just stood there. But then my arms slowly made their way up and wrapped themselves around Butters. I nuzzled my nose in his soft hair. And before I could stop myself I planted a kiss on he top of his head. He chuckled, and then he looked up. And we were face to face. His nose and...lips so close to my own.
This was bad. This was bad.
I cleared my throat and pulled away from the hug. "I'm gonna go, um, get some lemonade" I said still backing away.
"Oh, o-okay Ken" Butters nodded. "Hurry back. I gotta beat your butt at Dance Dance Revolution".
I smirked at the cheeky lil bean that he was. "Ya, we'll see about that!" I called back. I turned around and headed for the lemonade stand. My smile faded as I got farther away from him. What am I going to do? I can't keep feeling these stupid feelings. They can't lead to anywhere good...