By the time Charlie joined Tara in the front room, Jeff had arrived with a peace offering; pizza.
"What happened to your cousin?" Tara asked him as they gathered around their meal.
Charlie thought about taking a piece, then decided against it.
"He took his ball and went home," Jeff replied. "The ball being the van."
"No offence," Charlie said to Jeff, "but we aren't sad to see him go."
He chuckled. "No offence taken. I thought he might've grown up a bit since I last saw him, but Vinny's still a prat. I'm sorry he's ruined everything."
"I wouldn't say he ruined everything," Tara assured him. "He just dampened the mood."
They laughed together as Charlie eyed the pizza once more. His belly rumbled, yet he did not want to eat. The texture of it in his mouth was disgusting. It was difficult to swallow when he wanted to gag.
He tried to remember what his therapist told him. It was always harder to eat when he felt he had no control. Charlie thought he had been dealing with the chaotic tour well. On the surface, he really didn't feel bothered. He needed to remember those thoughts and feelings he pushed down and hid away from himself. He needed to maintain some sense of control or he would derail.
Holding up his phone as though he were showing them proof, Charlie said, "I'm gonna call Nick," and excused himself.
"Mate," Jeff called for Charlie's attention, offering the pizza box to him. "You didn't have any."
Feeling Tara's worried gaze on him, Charlie took a slice and retreated into the room he was sharing with Oliver. Taking the plush golden retriever under his arm, Charlie called home.
Four rings. No answer.
Charlie looked at the time. It wasn't that late. He and his group had started drinking early, so it was only now reaching 10:30 pm. He sent a text.
C: hey 💋
A notification popped up on the screen as Charlie set his piece of pizza onto a side table by the couch.
The message from Darcy showed a mannequin in head-to-toe bondage gear. Beneath the photo, she wrote, Do you think Tara will let me wear this at the alter?
He laughed quietly and typed back a sarcastic response. These messages were fun, but Charlie knew they would persist for months until the wedding finally happened. Although Charlie was happy for his friends, he couldn't help but be a little envious.
Charlie bought a ring a year ago, yet the opportunity to pop the question never revealed itself. It always seemed inconvenient or ill-timed. Charlie wanted the moment he asked Nick to marry him to be perfect. Sadly, perfection was rarely attainable. He had bought the ring in a state of overconfidence one day. It would have been nice if any of that confidence remained.
In the moments Charlie had rallied enough courage to forget about perfection and simply ask the question, doubt would slam into him like a truck. Sure, Nick loved him, but marriage was a huge commitment. Maybe Nick didn't want this to last forever. Maybe Nick was waiting for their relationship to fizzle out. What did Charlie really have to offer as a husband? He was unemployed, too skinny, too troubled, and he was now living off of Nick's wages because he got a little scared at work and walked out.
The phone pinged with a new message from Nick.
N: hey babes! Sorry, I was in the shower when you called. How was the show???
And now Charlie was a quitter. He couldn't imagine how let down Nick would be when he got home early.
When he spent enough time thinking about it, Charlie wondered if it would be fairer to let Nick go. A person like Nick, someone so sweet, smart, honest, and handsome deserved someone just as special.
Charlie was unable to believe he was that person. For nearly ten years, Charlie had savored every moment with Nick. He cherished every memory they made together. He tried to enjoy it because he knew with unwavering certainty that it would end one day. Somehow, for reasons Charlie would never understand, that day hadn't arrived yet.