I hate it i hate it i hate it
Why do i stutter so much infront of people? Why cant i do public speaking infront of people? Its just speaking. Why cant i do that?
I hate my life i hate how my life weighs so much now like why do i suddenly feel uncomfy around my brother? Why did my scores drop so low? Im incredibly so useless in this world i just wanna die so bad I WANT TO FUCKING SHOVE MYSELF IN 6FT GROUND 😍
Most of the guys in my school are jerks, they literally made the polices come by twice i kept convincing myself. My life started fucking up after i became class monitor the fucking class fucked me up so hard in the head i CANT EVEN THINK, THINK, THINK WHY AM I NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR THEM? IM SO FUCKING USELESS OMFG I JUST WANT TO BANG MY HEAD ON THE WALL
Today i recently found out both the classes had a discord server so i joined. When i did someone asked who i was and somebody revealed my identity and started to make fun of me like " oh the one that tries to act and walk cool? " I felt my heart shattered tbh
I mean i do respect men, women and other genders and i started to respect men since i had to become more patient but damn why cant i just Aggshhs i mean i feel so fucking selfish i just cant come out the room one day and see my dad truly giving me the happy eyes again.
And if i wanted to- if i wanted to vent to my close friend she would say " oh " " lol " " okay " " pity " literally what the fuck is wrong with you?? The hell with you saying youre the therapy friend in the past I CANT EVEN VENT TO YOU IN THE PAST BECAUSE YOU WERE SO IDKSHWHS PLEASE STOP BULLSHITTING ME LIKE THAT IM FUCKING BEGGING YOUUU😻 I CANT, I CANT JUST BRUSH IT OFF EVERYTIME YOU GUYS SHIT ON ME LIKE THAT IT STAYS IN MY HEAD I HAVE NOBODY TO FUCKING RELY ON I JUST HAVE TO BOTTLE THAT SHIT UP
" Why didnt you vent to me? " YOU HAVE A MUCH MORE WORSE TRAUMA THAN ME, YOU GOT PARENT ISSUES WHILE IM CONSIDERED BEING A SISSY BITCH IN YOUR WORLD SO QUIT THE FUCKING SHITACT I JUST WANT TO DIE YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FEELING I HAVE. NOBODY KNOWS BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT TYPE OF FEELINGS, WE ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, SO EVERYBODIES DIFFERENT. " Do you understand the pain im having? " NO I DONT BECAUSE I DONT BELIEVE JUST BECAUSE WEVE GONE THROUGH THE SAME THING MEANS WE HAVE THE EXACT SAME FEELINGS?!? ITS NOT A BASIC FACT BUT ITS A FACT. ITS A FACT EVERYBODY JUST PROBABLY DONT KNOW ABOUT AND IGNORED THAT SHIT AND PLEASE JUST
I have anger issues, but i can control them. I now lost to every fight, argument given to me because the longer i argue the more my anger will fry.. so i really just want to, idk. I really wanna quit living most of the time but ya it also feels like i dont have anybody left worth to live for.. thanks if you readed this until the end. Id appreciate if you dont say " I feel the same/ i know how you feel. " etc things about comparing the stuff i said
so goodnight everyoneeeee might post another chapter this week about college au this time. <3 BYEEEEEE 😻😻