Jade POV
Perrie is stressed. The last two days have been filled with preparing everything for the coming visit and Christmas. She loves Christmas, almost more than I do. And when I was finally discharged from the hospital, she seemed to notice for the first time that there are only a few days left until the big day. We were so engrossed in my hospital stay and recovery that we completely blocked out the thought of Christmas. I didn't even think of getting us both advent calendars, like I'd loved to do.
When we got home and it got clear that we were going to do the festive thing this year, Perrie freaked out. In no time she put on a Christmas jumper and Christmas socks and started preparing. First, once again, she cleaned the whole flat. Then, for the first time in a long time, she left me alone to go to her house, only to bring all her Christmas decorations from there. She decorated the whole flat and put up her big Christmas tree in front of the glass window wall, nicely taking away my view. Then she went shopping and left me alone for another two hours, a big feature I left uncommented considering her stressed out mood.
Meanwhile, I spent the entire time either lying in bed or on the couch, watching TV or her, of which I was only half aware. I would have loved to help Perrie, but apart from the fact that she specifically forbade me to move in any way, I was quite happy about it. Being in the hospital has done more damage to my body than anyone ever thought possible and I still feel very drained and exhausted. The thought of muddling around all day getting the flat ready for Christmas rarely sounded so exhausting. So I listened to Perrie entirely without argument, plopped down on the couch, snuggled into a blanket and longed for her to finish all her self-imposed chores so she can join me.
In the evening, when the sun has long since set, she finally plops down beside me and lets out a loud grunt. I can do nothing but grin broadly.
"All done?", I ask with a laugh.
"Yes, thank God," she replies, quite out of breath. "But now we are ready for Christmas."
"I'm glad," I can't stop laughing because Perrie has made such a huge effort.
"And what did you do?" she then asks.
"Exactly what you told me to do and not a jot more," I explain proudly.
"Good girl," she replies with her eyes closed. "What else do you want to do today?"
"I did what I wanted to do all day. It's your turn," I clarify, already seeing that she wants to disagree. "Perrie, don't you dare."
"All right," she gives up surprisingly quickly, though, which in turn leaves me grinning.
"I'd like to order food. I'll be cooking enough for the next few days."
"Sounds good, Indian?"
"You know me too well," is her reply and she is already ordering.
"How's your food?", I ask after a while of watching her literally stuff four different dishes into her mouth.
"Great," she replies with her mouth still full. "How's your rice?" she follows up with a sarcastic undertone.
While she has ordered half the menu, I poke without any appetite at my rice. "I like rice," I reply curtly.
"Who likes plain rice?" she says incredulously and I just shrug.
"I honestly don't feel like having diarrhoea or sessions of vomiting just because I'm ignoring the limits of my stomach. I had this stupid feeding tube for weeks, I'd rather be careful," I explain, even though she knows it.
"I understand that, and I think it's good that you're being reasonable, but your plate looks so...sadly empty compared to mine. I feel a little guilty," she says, taking the next full fork.
"Doesn't stop you from stuffing your face," I remark with a laugh.
"Only because I'm starving!" she justifies herself, laughing. "But the next few days are going to be especially hard for you with all that food, aren't they?"
"You know what I can digest well. I trust you completely on that," I confess, which makes her smile sadly.
"I have something in mind," she assures me, and I had never doubted it before.
After she has finished her last bite, carried her plates into the kitchen and reluctantly taken my half-full plate of rice as well, she turns to me and grins at me with some hesitation in her eyes.
"What is it?", I ask, amused at her momentary timidity.
"A little relaxation before the chaos that's about to descend upon us tomorrow would certainly be good, wouldn't it?"
"What are you getting at?", I enquire with a grin.
"Would you be interested in taking a bath with me?"
"Why so formal?", I laugh out loud.
"I don't know, maybe you're too tired. You might as well say no!"
"I would never say no to that," I assure her and hold out my hand to signal that she should help me stand up.
After we sat in the bathtub for an hour, our skin already getting all wrinkly, she helped me out and into comfortable clothes before we made ourselves comfortable in bed. I snuggle up to her, resting my head on her chest as she strokes my back softly and tenderly, a film playing in the background.
"Are you ready for tomorrow?" she asks after a while of being deep in her thoughts and I can hear the worry right in her voice.
"I don't know," I then admit honestly. "As ready as I can be."
"That doesn't sound very convincing," she quickly sees through me.
"It's going to be exhausting, that's for sure...", I openly profess my own worries. "The flat will be full, it will be noisy and the kids...the little ones have no idea what's going on. Karl has probably explained to them that they have to be extra careful with me, but they are kids. How careful can a kid be? And do I even want them to be careful? I want to spend time with them as normally as I can."
"But you have to be careful, Jade. You're very frail and you need your rests, your naps and all that. Also, when we have visitors, you hear me?"
"I know I do."
"It didn't look like that in the past," she remains sceptical.
"But that was a long time ago," I counter. "I can tell when I need breaks and I take them when I do."
"Promise?"
"I promise," I assure her.
"Fine, I'll force you if I have to, you know that."
"I'm still kind of excited. True, I'm nervous about seeing everyone again, but I'm sure it will be very nice."
"It will be," she agrees.
The next morning it takes forever to get me ready. I have insisted on doing my make-up but need Perrie's assistance. When the children see me for the first time in months, I don't want them to run backwards out the door in terror. And the way I look at the moment, I resemble a ghost more than myself. It was very important to me to glue on eyelashes and somehow paint halfway real-looking eyebrows, which I even managed to do quite well. With the wig and my signature cap still on, I almost look normal again.
"Do I look okay?", I still want to get confirmation.
"Okay?" she asks incredulously. "You always look beautiful, babe. But especially right now."
She looks at me in love, which I can only return, and tenderly presses her lips to mine. And I could linger like this forever if we weren't interrupted by the ringing of my phone. A quick glance is all it takes to read the message.
"They're here."
It's just my family. My family, whom I love dearly. Who I haven't seen in a long time and miss beyond measure. It should be the most normal thing in the world to invite them to my home, to see them and hold them in my arms. And yet I am more nervous than ever. So nervous that my hands are shaking.
"Hey, everything okay?", Perrie asks me, stress lines right on her forehead.
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine," I quickly clarify. "Just nervous for some reason."
There wasn't much more time for conversation though, because the doorbell was already ringing and I heard the excited voices of Amara and baby Karl outside the door. And suddenly all thoughts are blown away and in a trance I open the door. The two of them immediately pounce on me, without hesitation, without waiting, without saying so much as hello. And I, seemingly pumped with adrenaline, kneel down to them and hold them tightly in my arms.
"I missed you so much," I say as they giggle into my neck and don't let go of me at all and suddenly all the nervousness is gone and instead I could cry out with sheer joy.
"Hey, what did I just say," I hear my brother's admonishing voice behind them, to which they both break away from me and grin mischievously at me.
"Need a hand, Grammy?" he teases, appearing in front of me as I notice the little ones are already up and I'm still kneeling on the ground.
"Can you manage?", I ask with a wink and he pulls me to my feet with a quick jerk. "barely," he says with a smile before hugging me tightly.
"You look better than last time," he whispers in my ear.
"Not that hard," I remind him.
"With that make-up you almost look alive."
"Thank you for that compliment," I break away from him and unobtrusively give him the middle finger.
"It's good to see you," I hear Shireen, Karl's wife, and she also hugs me tightly and as warmly as she has ever done. We've always got on well, but this hug says much more.
Leonie, the oldest, looks at me just as uncertainly as she did all those times during zoom calls. Like she's afraid to touch me or look at me for longer in case I break before her eyes. I think all the videos about me and my tale of woe, which I'm sure a girl her age can see everywhere, also have a part to play in this. So I walk up and wrap her in my arms, seemingly overpowering her, but she quickly returns the gesture and leans against me as if she had wanted to do this for a long time but never dared.
My mum is the last one. And she doesn't say anything, nor can she. She is so obviously overcome by her emotions that she falls into my arms, sobbing. Yet it's not that long since we've seen each other.
"Good god, Mom. It hasn't been that long," I try to reassure her, but one look at her face says it all. It's like she's happy for any chance to see me in case it's the last time. This is going to be a bittersweet Christmas.
After a while, Debbie and Ellie arrive too and the flat promptly doubles in volume. The three women fall loudly into each other's arms, almost crushing each other and squealing with delight. And right in the middle little Hatchi, who Perrie hasn't seen since we went on tour because, once again, he was living with Debbie instead.
Except for the children, we are a rather quiet family and the Edwards' are definitely a loud one. I can't help grinning as I watch the spectacle, until I am suddenly pulled into the hug.
It takes a long time for everyone to calm down, at which point Perrie speaks up, "Alright, Thirlwalls on the couch and relax, Edwards' in the kitchen to help me."
"Help with what?", I ask with a raised eyebrow.
"Tomorrow is Christmas and we don't have a single Christmas biscuit in the house. I can't have that," she tells me with such seriousness in her voice that I have to laugh out loud.
"Besides, I have a thing or two to prepare for tomorrow and these two lovely ladies here are bound to help me."
"Is that so?" her mum prods.
"You eat, you help," Perrie says as if it's absolutely self-explanatory.
"Does that apply to me too?", I ask.
"No!" and the vehemence in her voice is amusingly frightening. "You have only one job: lie on the couch, cuddle with your family, catch up with them and relax. Nothing more. Only get up if you have to. And don't you dare not listen to me. I mean it."
"Okay, boss," is all I say, highly amused by her commanding tone and knowing she's too stressed from organising Christmas for any discussion to be held. So I listen to her and do what she tells me to do.
I lie down comfortably on the big corner couch and can hardly catch my breath for a second before I am attacked by Amara and Karl. They crawl half on top, half next to me to cuddle. It's the sweetest thing in the world, but I also have to admit that it's even a little painful with the extra weight, so I'm almost grateful when Shireen says, "Hey, what did we say!"
I make it easy for them and sit upright, albeit with difficulty, so that they both have sides of me and put my arms around them. It's a lot more uncomfortable than before, but I've missed them at least as much.
"Are you sure this is okay?" asks Shireen sceptically, possibly because she's seen the hard look on my face, but I smile at her and nod.
"Here you go, babe," Perrie hands me a cup of tea, which I accept gratefully and sip while Karl picks out the first Christmas movie.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take half an hour before I feel my eyes already getting tired. The children are engrossed in the film and I don't want to disturb them under any circumstances, but the danger is growing and growing that I will soon fall asleep.
"You tired?", Mum quickly sees through me.
"A little," I admit quietly.
"Amara, Karl, come here for a minute," she instructs her grandchildren and though grumbling, they quickly listen.
"Lie down," she prompts, but I hesitate. "Jade," she says surprisingly admonishingly, so I have little choice. Karl takes a seat at my feet and Amara in front of me, so I wrap my arms around her and nuzzle my face against her hair. And it can only be a few minutes before I close my eyes and fall asleep.
The rest of the day flies by. At some point I am woken by the smell of freshly baked biscuits and at my insistence Perrie promptly brings a full plate into the living room. The little ones change places between on the couch with me and on the floor playing. Amara showed me her newly rehearsed choreographies, which are mostly to our songs, while Karl wanted to show me new football tricks right in the flat. The rest actually sit next to me most of the time while the Edwards wreak havoc in the kitchen, before we all try to sit down together at the rather small dining table in the evening.
Before my family leaves for the hotel and Perries for their old house, however, it rains questions from the little ones.
"Why can't we stay here?" protests Karl.
His dad has explained it to him countless times, including today, but the little one wouldn't let up. A quality I usually love about him. But this time it's hard for me to give a reason they would understand. Yes, we don't have enough room for all of them together, but one of his suggestions, to leave only the kids here, would work without any problems. If it weren't for me. Perrie is right, it would be too much too soon. Even though I've enjoyed the day today, I notice how it's taken its toll on me and what I seem to need desperately now is rest and more sleep.
But I don't need to think of an explanation because my brother steps in. He puts an arm around Karl's shoulders and doesn't even go into the question, but simply pushes him out the door before quickly saying goodbye to us.
And then it's quiet again, very quiet. Almost unusual after all the hustle and bustle today. I take a deep breath, only now realising how sluggish and weak I feel.
"Long day," Perrie says next to me. And how right she is.
"Very long," I correct her anyway, and she examines me thoughtfully before taking my hand.
"Bed?" I merely nod and trot after her, glad to be able to sleep. Even though I rested today too, and the odd nap happened in front of the TV, it was just too noisy, quiet and hectic for me to really relax.
"I love them all so much," I murmur as we lie down in bed.
"I know you do," she replies, "It's still a lot."
"You say it," I say, my eyes already closed.
"If it's too much for you, please say so," she reminds me of our agreement, but I shake my head vehemently. "And ruin everyone's Christmas? No way."
"Jade..."
"It's only a few days, I'll manage," I say, not really sounding convincing. "You had a lot of fun today though, didn't you?", I then quickly change the subject.
"With Ellie and Mommy Debs in the kitchen, chaos is inevitable," she says with a laugh. "It was very fun today and the biscuits tasted great and I knew you were having a good day too. So everything's perfect," this puts a smile on my lips that I almost take with me to sleep until I feel movement next to me.
"Where are you going?", I mumble sleepily.
"Someone has to take care of the presents," she explains as I look at her with one eye all confused. "I'm going to put the presents under the tree so everything is ready for tomorrow morning."
"I'll come with you," I start to say, but she quickly stops me. "No, absolutely not. You stay here and sleep."
"But I want to help you."
"Well, too bad," she remains stubborn as I sullenly listen to her yet give in to the burning of my eyes.
The next morning I am rudely awakened.
"Jesus, who the hell calls so early in the morning. I'm trying to sleep!", I hear Perrie grumble next to me before she sits up. I would join her, but the bed and pillow are far too comfortable right now for me to want to move in any way. She takes the call and I'm about to fall sound asleep again until she shakes me awake by the shoulder.
"Our families are on their way. The kids can't wait any longer," she tells me before quickly hopping out of bed and rushing to the door. "You have two minutes until I get out of the bathroom."
I tear my eyes open and stare at my phone. It's seven am. Who's up this early on a holiday? I quickly sit up and automatically become a little more awake, which is why I only now realise how crappy I actually feel. I feel like I'm going to be sick, which sounds absurd because I'm already pretty sick. But on top my throat feels weird. Like I'm coming down with a cold, but I quickly dismiss the thought. It's surely just the belated exhaustion of yesterday.
When Perrie comes out of the bathroom, it takes a moment before I realise her standing in front of me.
"I think you always look beautiful, but, if you want to get all done and ready before everyone gets here, you need to get up now," she points out, which brings me back to the now.
"I'm coming," I mutter, but it's enough for Perrie to widen her eyes and stop me by the shoulders.
"What's wrong with your voice?" she asks immediately.
"Nothing," I reply, but I know myself that I can't convince anyone that way because my voice sounds like how my throat feels. Rough and hoarse.
"You're hoarse, why are you hoarse?" she continues stressing.
"Perrie, it's nothing. Just leave it and help me get up."
I can tell she would love to argue with me about literally tying me to the bed and forcing me to rest. But she probably also knows that I would be even more stubborn than her this time and so she helps me, albeit grumpily, into the bathroom and assists me in my transformation, so to speak, back to an alive looking human being.
Not a second are we done before the doorbell rings. The children rush right past us into the living room, where all the presents are prepared. I see for the first time what a great job Perrie has done.
"Wow, looks fantastic," I say quietly to her, but her stern look silences me. "No talking," she clarifies and places me on the couch, where within minutes she presses a large pot of tea into my hand and then sits down next to me with her arm around my shoulders. Meanwhile, the children are living their best life and ripping open the presents at lightning speed while we adults sit and watch them with big smiles on our faces.
The day is like a dream and I have to pinch myself more often than once to see if it is really real. Even though nothing is like it used to be and it probably never will be again, it feels like that in parts. It gives me an outlet, a way to forget how things are, what's wrong with me. It lets me ignore the fact often enough that it's very possible I'm celebrating my last Christmas.
I block out those negative thoughts and focus only on this day, on the laughter of my nieces and nephew, on the smiles of my mom, on the caring of Perrie. I burn it into my mind, store it away to never forget it. I even manage to ignore the fact that my body does indeed feel like I'm getting a cold. I ignore the scratchy throat and the pressing headache and I would almost manage to get away with it, if only someone had let my voice know too.
"I don't like your voice, like at all," Perrie states again in a quiet minute for my ears only.
"It's all right, just relax already, will you?" is my reply and I try to put as much conviction into it as I can. But her sceptical look persists.
"Don't lie to me," she pleads with a sad look.
"I'm not lying," though I do just that. "Trust me, it's all good. I'm fine, just a little tired from everything."
"Then at least lie back on the couch and rest or go to bed for a bit!"
"The couch will do," I say, rubbing my eyes a little before listening to her and lying down. It's not until my head hits the pillow that I realise how heavy it is and how oppressive the headache is. Determined that whatever is going on, I will just sleep it away, I close my eyes. But it's not long before I notice a small person standing in front of me. Amara stares at me with wide eyes.
"Why do you sleep so much?" she asks me innocently. I was not prepared for this question.
"Do I?" is all that pops into my head to ask. She only nods.
"Probably because I'm getting older," I then give as my reason.
"Grandma doesn't sleep that much." Clever child, I'll give her that. I take a deep breath and try not to beat around the bush any more, but to be as honest as possible.
"You know we're celebrating Christmas here with me this year and not at home. And I haven't been to visit you for a while, have I?", I start to explain.
She examines me again with wide eyes, signalling me that she really listens.
"You see, that's because I'm a bit ill," I then say in a heavy voice.
"What do you have?" she then inquires innocently.
"Your dad told me you had a cold the other day, remember that?" She nods again thoughtfully. "That's about what I got. A nasty cold that just goes on a bit longer and is a teeny tiny bit worse."
"Is that why we have to be are careful?" she then asks.
"Exactly. And that's why I need a bit more sleep at the moment, you know, to recover from it."
"So you're feeling bad right now?"
"I'm okay right now," I'm more or less honest. "But you know what helps me feel better?"
"What?" she asks quietly.
"That you're all here celebrating Christmas with me," I say with a smile and finally I see her grin again.
"And your birthday!" she corrects me.
"Exactly, and my birthday," I say laughing.
"Then I'll cuddle you till you feel better," she then decides and promptly lies down next to me to press her little body against me and wrap her arms around my neck. It's such a sweet gesture that I could cry.
"That will definitely help," I say, deeply touched, and I really wish it were that easy.
"Jade," I hear my name called by my favourite voice in the world. I open my eyes, still quite sleepy, noticing how Amara still seems to be engrossed in a movie pressed against me, while Perrie's face appears in front of me.
"Dinner will be ready in a minute," she says quietly and I try to sit up slowly.
"Did you get any rest?" she asks.
"A little," I reply with a thin smile on my face. "And Amara kept me great company, right?", I tickle Amara until she starts laughing hysterically and jumps up to run away from me.
"You're so good with kids," Perrie whispers, as if she's been watching me in awe. I just shrug, but can't get the proud smile off my face.
"I always have been, actually," I state with a giggle.
"Yeah, I know," she admits. "Just here now seeing you with them like this, I don't know, it's kinda hard to explain. It just warms my heart. Gives me a glimpse of what our future could be like. I know we've never talked about it, it's just a beautiful image."
But while Perrie's heart warms, mine almost stops. It may be a beautiful notion and raising children with Perrie one day, albeit far in the future, sounds like a dream, but thinking about it now just hurts. I don't even know if I'll make it through the next year, so how can I think about a future with kids?
"Come on, the food will get cold," she snaps me out of my thoughts and then pulls me to my feet with her to the already beautifully set table. I don't have much time to digest the small shock of just now, as Debbie already brings the finished turkey to the table and a murmur and amazement goes through the rows. It smells amazing, it looks great and if it were last year I couldn't wait to dig in and stuff my face with all the goodies that are on the table. But today I am nervous. Even though don't have to worry at all, because a few seconds later Ellie puts an already full plate down before me. I look confused between her and Perrie, who, how could it be otherwise, sits down next to me.
"I've been using a lot of spices in our meal and you're supposed to be avoiding that. So you have the low-spice-version on your plate. But everything else is there! Some turkey breast that I cooked separately, roasted potatoes, steamed vegetables, gravy, Yorkshire. Everything you love and that you need at Christmas, just hospital-grade in terms of taste," she explains to me with a laugh and I can hardly believe my eyes. Of course, I would rather be able to eat the normal food for which hours have been spent in the kitchen. But I also know that I can digest this low-seasoned-version much better and the fact that Perrie has gone out of her way to create an edible meal for me moves me to tears.
"Thanks, babe," is all I manage to say and I give her a long kiss on the lips.
"Merry Christmas," she says with a smile, inches from my face.
"Merry Christmas," I return, completely overwhelmed.
Narrator POV
Christmas dinner was delicious, Christmas Eve was heavenly and Jade was in a frenzy. Filled with happiness, filled with bliss so surrounded by her family. The adrenaline keeps her on her toes. She feels, if only for a fraction of the evening, fitter and more alive than she has in a long time, all the symptoms of the possible cold forgotten. The flat is filled with the people she loves, filled with joy and laughter. It makes her grin the entire time and when Perrie turns on Christmas carols and runs to her, Jade surprises herself with the new burst of energy that makes her stand up and grab Perrie's hands.
"What are you doing?" asks Perrie with a laugh, but Jade answers through action. Just because she feels like it, because she feels just fit enough to do it, she starts dancing. Perrie and she sing to the Christmas songs and sway and dance to them, just like old times, and they are so in a trance with each other that they momentarily forget everything around them.
And when the clock, all of a sudden, strikes 12 am, they all start cheering and clapping. While everyone around them celebrates the day of her birth, Jade herself, quietly and secretly, without saying it out loud, celebrates that she is having another birthday and hopes that it will not be the last.
By the time their families have left, by the time the last of the leftovers have been packed away, the last of the wrapping paper is in the trash and the last of the glasses washed, Jade is exhausted. She's already spent the past hour just lying on the couch, racked with guilt, while Perrie whirled around her to tidy the place up again. The brief rush that made her want to dance and sing and laugh was gone when the door closed behind her mother. Now she is just tired and exhausted.
At her request, no one is coming at seven in the morning tomorrow. Instead, they have all been ordered not to show up until they are called. Accordingly, Jade decides against ridding herself of all her makeup and simply lets Perrie escort her to bed.
"Good night, birthday princess," Perrie whispers before pressing a kiss to her cheek and Jade smiles. She falls asleep with a smile, taking it with her into sleep, hoping to wake up with one again. But she doesn't. No, quite the opposite. When she wakes up the next morning, she could rather cry.
Perrie is not beside her. That is the first thing she registers. But she is actually quite happy about it for once. Because the more awake she becomes, the more she realises that she is not at all well. That those cold symptoms are back, that her head is buzzing and that she wouldn't even rule out having a fever. She groans softly, annoyed by it all, by her body and its speciality of spoiling her special moments, the remaining important moments. Just when her family is visiting, just to see her and to celebrate this day with her. Just when, after weeks, if not months, she will finally see most of her friends again. She shakes her head furiously and decides, as she has so many times before, to ignore it. And surprisingly, Perrie makes it easy for her.
After a short while, she comes into the room beaming with joy, armed with a cup of tea and a plate full of biscuits, and says full of euphoria, "Good morning, Baba!"
Before Jade can really react, Perrie already jumps onto the bed and presses her lips to Jade's.
"You get breakfast in bed, cuddles from yours truly and kisses all you want," she announces with a grin.
"Biscuits for breakfast?", Jade huffs in amusement, hearing how much raspier her voice is.
"Don't pretend it's not your favourite thing to eat," Perrie says.
"Where's my present then?", Jade doesn't fidget for long. Perrie has been so secretive the last few days, her curiosity is growing by the minute. She can't wait to see what she's come up with.
"You'll get it tonight," she says with a wink, to which Jade pulls a pout that only satisfies Perrie more. It will be worth the wait, she's sure of it.
"When you're ready, I'll call your family. And then towards evening the rest will come, if you feel up to it."
"Of course I'll feel up to it," Jade says, as if shot out of a gun. But Perrie doesn't notice the lie. She also doesn't notice the scratchy voice or the too-warm lips. She doesn't seem to be fully focused, as if she is deep in thought, as if something is distracting her. But again, Jade doesn't notice, because she is too busy hiding her condition. So she silently sips her tea and nibbles on a biscuit while Perrie has long since left the room.
Jade glances at her phone and wrenches her eyes open in shock.
"Perrie, it's already noon!"
"Yeah, I know," the latter says casually.
"Why didn't you wake me earlier?" retorts Jade angrily.
"Why would I wake you up? It's your birthday! You requested to sleep in, especially after yesterday's early morning throwing out," she justifies herself, and Jade has to admit she has a point. Still, she feels like she's already slept half the day away and it's going to be hard to fit in everything she has planned for today.
"Do you want me to call your mum?", Perrie reads her mind.
"Yes, please," Jade replies and goes as quickly as she can to the bathroom to perform the now rehearsed procedure. Good thing she's talented at make-up.
When her family arrives, it is basically the same as it has been for the last few days. Loud, hectic, turbulent, beautiful, soothing and exhausting. The little ones fight over who gets to do what with Jade or who gets to show her something first. They eat the cake that Perrie also baked yesterday between all the Christmas cooking, while Jade just pokes around on the plate with her fork.
Everyone sees it, but no one comments. Not even when the afternoon dawns and she has only eaten the one biscuit in bed so far. She can't explain it, she doesn't know why, but today she has even less appetite. Today she just doesn't feel good, not comfortable in her skin, not comfortable around people, even if it is her family. Maybe it's mental, maybe it's the thought that this could be her last birthday and there's no way she's spending it the way she normally wants to spend a birthday. She usually does big parties, mostly themed, where she dresses up for hours, where she invites a huge bunch of people, where she stuffs herself with unhealthy food and gets drunk on whatever alcohol she can find.
Maybe it's the thought that her family might not see her so often anymore, maybe it's even the last time, because who knows when they'll be able to come back or when she'll ever be able to go to South Shields again.
Or maybe it's just her unfortunate condition on today of all days, the fact that the brief burst of energy that made her dance, sing and laugh yesterday has disappeared, leaving her rather in a slump. That she can barely stay awake, that her eyes are getting heavier, that her bones and muscles and limbs ache, that her chest stings with every breath, that she finds it hard to walk, move and even talk.
Or maybe it's just a mix of everything.
Everyone sees it. Everyone sees the thick circles under her eyes, the tired and red eyes, the tense posture, the silence emanating from her, the always thoughtful, almost absent look in her eyes. But no one comments on it. Presumably they don't want to remind her any more, don't want to bother her or upset her on her birthday. Or maybe they all want to repress it themselves and are, albeit subconsciously, a little selfish today because they want to spend this day with her.
And then there is one person who is oblivious to it all and it is, of all people, the one who usually watches Jade like a hawk and notices every tingle in her nose. But Perrie is so busy preparing and planning and organising Jade's birthday present that she finds little time to even look at her girlfriend.
And so it is Jade herself who pulls the ripcord. The kids have long since lost interest in lying dully on the couch and only Norma remains.
"I'll close my eyes for a bit," Jade says to her quietly and Norma nods, but then is startled when Jade suddenly stands up.
"I'm just gonna lie down in bed for a bit, it's quieter there," she explains.
"Okay," Norma replies in a heavy voice, having difficulty ignoring the surprise and also now yet barely to be suppressed worry. "Do you need help?"
And Jade surprises them both by just nodding almost helplessly.
But it becomes even more unusual when Jade lies down in bed, covers herself and says quietly, as she did when she was a little girl, "Can you stay here?"
Norma immediately hears the vulnerability in her voice, the helplessness, the pain, the sadness. It almost makes her cry. But she remains strong.
"Of course," she answers instead, lying down next to her and holding her in her arms, just as she used to do.
Jade is fast asleep, getting the rest she seems to desperately need and would probably sleep through to the next morning if Norma didn't shake her awake.
Sleepily, Jade rubs her eyes, looking at her mother in confusion, as if she already forget what day it is, where she even is, why her mother is lying next to her and not Perrie.
"Your guests will be here in an hour," Norma explains, brushing a strand of hair off Jade's somewhat clammy forehead. "We can cancel if you're not feeling well," she adds, unable now to hide the worry she inevitably feels when she looks at Jade like that.
"No, it's okay," Jade whispers, but she doesn't even believe herself.
She wants to celebrate this day at least halfway properly, so she pulls herself together, redoes her makeup and mentally gears up for the evening.
And when she sees her friends, the entire Little Mix crew, who are her second family, and most importantly, her sisters, Leigh-Anne and Jesy, the adrenaline is back in full force and she is able to suppress her condition for a moment. But it's not adrenaline or the joy of having all her loved ones around that brings the biggest smile in the world to her lips for the first time today. It's a look at Leigh's finger.
"Oh my God, LEE LEE!" shrieks Perrie, who has appeared behind her. "When did that happen?!" Perrie's reaction alone is enough to bring tears to Leigh's eyes and Jade herself is also far too moved to react in any way.
"Last night," she tells them.
"Oh my god, we're having a wedding! The first Little Mix wedding! How exciting, I can't wait!" shouts Perrie, almost getting too hyped.
"You have to tell us EVERYTHING," she demands jitterily, leading Leigh straight to the sofa, not even noticing Jade's wobbly walk.
"You alright there, birthday girl?" asks Jesy instead, hooking Jade to herself to secretly prop her up.
"Now that you're here," Jade says, still very touched and not giving a shit about how cheesy it sounds.
They sit down on the couch, pretty much forgetting about the other guests around them, and listen spellbound to Leigh's words as she tells the story of her proposal.
"...And then he got down on one knee and took my hand..."
"On his knee? Andre?", Jesy picks up as if she can't believe it.
"Yeah, real classic, the way it should be," Leigh says with a laugh.
"A real romantic, who would have thought," Jesy grins to herself, while Perrie doesn't take off the wide smile at all. "Do you guys know a date yet?"
"Pez, she was asked yesterday," Jade reminds her, shaking her head.
"The date hasn't been set," Leigh also says with a laugh. "But before our big world tour . So in the new year." This, in turn, makes Jade gulp. The big world tour. The big dream of being healthy enough to be back on stage. It feels more distant every day, sometimes simply impossible.
"It's still a while until then...", and she deliberately conceals her actual thought. That it's not just a while but may never happen.
"It will be sooner than you think," Perrie speaks well to her, looking at her properly for the first time today, so Jade decides not to comment further.
"But about that..." she says instead. "Have you thought about doing something useful with your time off? You know...until the tour can happen."
"Oh no, not again," Perrie says, annoyed.
"What? We have to talk about it sometime," Jade justifies herself.
"No one wants that, Jade!"
"What is this about?" interjects Jesy quickly before a shouting match can ensue.
"Jade wants you to go solo," Perrie explains succinctly.
"WHAT?!" now Leigh yells in return. "Are you out of your mind?"
"Only while we're taking the break! You don't have to feel compelled to put everything on hold," she says meekly.
"Maybe we'll find it quite nice? We haven't had some rest and relaxation for almost nine years," Jesy argues.
"Yeah, but..."
"And we don't want to do anything solo? What did we always say?", Leigh is almost really pissed off.
"I just don't want you to be limited in your abilities just because of me," Jade admits sadly.
"No one feels limited. Stop with the bullshit. We'll wait until you're ready and healthy and then take the road. That's the plan and that's how we're doing it," Perrie is adamant, silencing everyone. So Jade bites her tongue not to say that they can wait a long time for that day to arrive.
But the dust soon settles and the evening develops into a relaxed, but also quite funny event. Jade soon realises that she has shot her powder. She can hardly keep her eyes open, hardly take part in any conversations. She can no longer ignore all the physical aches and pains, but much worse is this constant twinge in her chest, which is becoming more and more present. She hardly dares to think such a thing, but it almost feels like the time when her heart gave up on her. At least the pain reminds her of that and it scares her. It scares the hell out of her.
"I need the loo," she explains to the questioning looks as she stands up. No one stops her, no one goes after her, everyone gives her space, which she desperately wants right now. She doesn't go to the toilet though, she goes into the bedroom and sits down carefully on the bed. The pain is now getting stronger with every breath, with every second, and she doesn't know what is happening or what to do. And it is not long before the tears come. Tears of disappointment, of pain and above all fear.
"When are you going to give her the present?" Leigh asks quietly, so that no one else can hear and the surprise remains one.
"Tonight," Perrie says nervously.
"I can't believe it!" squeals Leigh excitedly.
"Me neither, trust me," Perrie laughs.
"What do you think she'll say?" asks Leigh.
"She'll be shocked. And she'll cry, for sure."
"You'll both sob," Jesy says, grinning.
While the others are both now deep in conversation about the gift, Jesy's thoughts drift to the one who's it for. Something doesn't feel right today, she can't explain it. But Jesy's subconscious is telling her that something is off. Jade was different today, strange, sad, quiet. She didn't expect any of that today. And she decides to listen to her gut feeling and go check on her.
Her uneasy feeling is confirmed when she enters the bedroom. For whatever reason, she had assumed she would find Jade here. But she could not have guessed in what condition.
Jade sits tensely on the bed, holding onto the edge of the bed, her hands clenched into fists, her face fixed forward, her breathing much too fast and too uneven, her eyes full of panic.
"Oh my God," is all Jesy whispers, sprinting towards her. "What's wrong? What can I do?"
"I...I...I don't know," Jade stutters.
"Can't you breathe? Are you in pain?", Jesy energetically picks up and Jade manages to nod.
"Is it like last time?" she barely dares to ask.
"I don't know," Jade admits and tears immediately gather in both women's eyes at the mere thought of such a possibility.
"Shit," Jesy says what both think.
"I think I need to go to the hospital," Jade then admits and it cuts them both deeply. When has she ever suggested that herself? It makes Jesy swallow hard and only makes her realise the seriousness of the situation even more. Frantically, she looks for her phone, only to find that she has left it outside.
"My phone is outside," she explains tersely. "I'll call someone quickly."
"No!", Jade is surprisingly vehement. "The kids are still here...I...please don't make a scene," Jade pleads.
"I don't want to leave you alone," Jesy admits her fear.
"It's okay, just get Perrie please," Jade remains stubborn and Jesy's gut is screaming at her not to do it, to stay here with her, to not leave her alone. But her mind tells her that what she needs most is help.
"Don't move, okay? I'll be right back," and she sprints out of the room, walking quickly towards Perrie so as not to draw attention to herself, snapping her out of her funny conversation with Leigh.
"Pez," she says in all seriousness and her tone and look is enough to make Perrie's smile disappear.
"What is it?" she asks, instantly tense and afraid of what she's about to hear.
"Jade's not feeling good," Jesy says curtly and Perrie's eyes widen. "She thinks she needs to go to the hospital."
That's enough to make Perrie jump up immediately. She knows she didn't give her enough observation today because she wanted to give her the time with her family and friends, and because she was so busy with what was supposed to be a birthday surprise. But she knows one thing, when Jade says she wants to go to the hospital, it's serious. Very serious.
She runs into the bedroom, already in crisis mode, but nothing could have prepared her for what awaits her there. And Jesy's eyes widen too. She had left a talking Jade behind, left her alone for not even a minute. But the Jade here before her, is no longer talkative, not even responsive. She is unconscious.