Auden found me.
I hadn't moved from the counter in the kitchen. My hands rested in my lap, and the food Warren had prepared for me remained untouched. I wanted to appreciate the gesture with all my heart but I didn't want to keep playing with fire. I was never good with hot and cold situations. Perhaps that's why Warren and I hadn't been the closest siblings growing up.
"Everything okay?" Auden asked, his attention solely focused on me.
I don't know.
"I guess," I replied, rubbing one of my eyes to keep the feeling of tears away. I had cried more lately than I cared to admit. It was embarrassing. I silently wondered what Auden thought of me now, that he had witnessed my panic attack. "Warren confuses me."
Auden visibly exhaled, growing more at ease as he turned and started the coffee pot, but he still spoke to me, "He confuses me, too. I've never completely understood him but I learned some things from Mom. That's how I knew he was going to say something stupid to you the other night."
"He's just so... distant."
"I agree," Auden hummed lightly, opening my refrigerator and grabbing some creamer, "How did you sleep?"
"Fine," that was a lie. I felt exhausted. I might as well have not slept. He grew quiet for a long moment. Somehow, I knew we both knew. He leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms, and the expression on his face told me there was no more room for jokes.
"Aida, I found the pain medication on your nightstand last night," Auden began slowly, cautiously, "It still has the seal on it."
"Yeah?"
"Are you supposed to be taking them?"
I hesitated, "Yeah."
He held his breath before slowly releasing it, "Is there a reason you don't want to?" Somehow, he articulated the reason well enough and phrased the question in the least triggering way possible. I let my shoulders drop, the tension easing.
"I don't want to get... addicted," I said quietly, unable to meet his gaze, "What if...what if I never..."
"Get better?" I nodded when he finished what I was trying to say, words abandoning me once again. He sighed, and his tone was incredibly soft when he spoke again. "Oh, little Aida. Just because you take pain medication to help you get through this, doesn't mean you won't get through it. Have you been in pain?"
"No," I mumbled, "Just aches, my legs haven't hurt that bad since... I fell."
"Okay. That's good. I'm not angry but I would be if you had been in pain this entire time, and you didn't let any of us know. Have you ever heard the saying that you fall down seven times, and get up eight?"
"Yes."
"This is the eighth, you've gotten up," He urged, "And you will keep getting up. Again and again."
Perhaps he knew that a fall had been my worse fear. It was any dancer's worst nightmare. Most didn't get back up, others abandoned their dreams because fear overcame them. Somehow, Auden was figuring out what I needed to hear, at the right time, and it gave me hope.
When he had prepared his coffee, I met his eyes and then slid my plate towards him.
"You're not hungry?" He rose an eyebrow.
"I ate a little."
"Okay," He nodded. He remained standing on the other side of the counter as he sipped his coffee and devoured the food from my plate. He looked like a six-year-old again, stealing freshly baked cookies from the cooling rack while Mom had her back turned to him. He must not have realized it until he withdrew to his full height again. "Alright, what's the plan for today?"
"What?" I asked. I watched him wash his dishes and set them on the drying rack before he turned back to me.
He rested his elbows on the counter, leaning his upper body across the surface. His honey golden eyes were set on me as he spoke, "I, for one, would love to explore New York City."
His words sent a jolt through me, and I didn't think as I blurted, "I can't leave my apartment."
"Why's that?"
"Are you kidding?" I asked incredulously, "Have you seen the hungry crowd of paparazzi at my doorstep? They're ready to eat me alive! Especially after last night, Anton had to save me when I first got home from the hospital."
"Anton?"
"My security guard--well, he keeps the building complex secure. He works in the lobby every day."
"Okay, but what's your plan?" Auden continued without missing a beat. A man on a mission, he was. "Are you going to let people keep dictating your life? Forcing you to hide? Or do you truly plan to stay holed up in here until... until when?" He didn't dare say those truthful words I knew had been on the tip of his tongue.
I paused. I hadn't really thought about it. "I don't know," I admitted softly.
"Well, I say we make a plan," Auden returned the soft tone, "I say we have as much fun as we possibly can."
"How can we? Nobody will leave me alone for a second. We will get swarmed."
"I'll fight them off," He stated, "Besides if you wear a ballcap and tuck your hair, I think you'll be pretty disguised. They won't be able to identify you as easily."
"You think?"
"You simply can't hide forever, Aida."
"I know," I sighed, "I just wish they'd leave me alone. It's hard enough."
"I know," He echoed, knowing exactly what I meant. I didn't even have to tell him how I felt because I think he already knew. He had gotten to witness the rawest form of my emotions last night, and I still didn't have the guts to bring that up. He wasn't acting any differently towards me, so I was just going to pretend it didn't happen.
There were some things I wished no one saw.
I decided to switch the topic of our conversation and ended up discussing a bunch of different places we could visit in New York City. I found myself getting a little excited when Auden was visibly interested in all my favorite spots. I wanted to show him a little bit of my world.
Not too long after that, River emerged from the hallway. He hadn't bothered to dress up as Auden did every morning. River had a plain black t-shirt on and grey sweatpants. He had tamed his hair a bit before coming to join us, that much I could tell. It was slightly wavy from how much he had run his fingers through it.
"Morning," River murmured.
"Good morning, sleepy head," Auden replied, a slight tease in his voice, "I thought you got up early for work."
"Jet lag," River grumbled, pouring himself a cup of coffee, and then turned to face Auden, "Are you always this annoying first thing?"
Auden shrugged, "Not much has changed since we were kids."
River simply took a long sip of his coffee, and his eyes drifted to mine over the rim of his cup. He seemed to analyze me for a long moment. I realized he had seen me freak out last night, too, and I really couldn't fathom what he thought. Auden was probably more sympathetic.
"Aida has offered to give me a tour of the city," Auden chose that moment to announce.
"Is that so?" River's eyes didn't leave mine, although I saw something flicker in his gaze. Emotion, perhaps. I was trying my hardest to get a read on him.
"Yes," I confirmed.
"Are you okay with that?"
"Yes," I wasn't certain.
River stared at me in thought for a long pause, and then he said, "I'll join you, if that's alright?"
"Of course."
"Perfect! C'mon, Aida, let's get you dressed," Auden gently grasped my elbow and led the way to my room. We left River on his own to eat and get ready. I didn't realize it was late morning until I glanced at the digital clock on my nightstand.
Auden picked out inconspicuous clothing from my closet. Dark and neutral colors that he had said would help me blend into the crowd. I realized that I wasn't used to trying to hide, there were so many little details in the act of doing so. Tricks as to not draw attention. Some part of me wanted to reject it, but I knew I was scared.
Scared for my future, and the current circumstances didn't help.
At long last, Auden gingerly tucked a loose strand of my hair beneath the ballcap. His attention was resolute as he did so. I noticed the crease between his eyebrows and wondered if he often stuck his tongue out when he worked on his designer pieces.
"There," He declared once he was finished disguising me, "You do look different."
"Do you mean that in a good way or a bad way?" I asked teasingly.
"The best way possible."
"Okay," I laughed softly and trusted him enough that I didn't look in the mirror as we walked out of my room. A thought crossed my mind, and I asked, "Haven't you been to New York City before? For shows and such?" I knew there was a fashion week here.
"Only once, and I rarely have time to explore. It's a lot of planning, coordination, and organization all coming together for one runway show. Sometimes, it's pretty stressful. Especially with wardrobe mishaps, and models getting sick. I usually fly back to LA two or three hours after a show."
"Oh," I said, "That doesn't sound fun."
"I've learned to enjoy it," He told me, amusement light in his voice, "There's no better moment than the present."
I never knew how true his words would become.
Suddenly, I paused before we entered the kitchen. Auden stopped and turned to face me, an eyebrow risen in question. "You go ahead," I told him, "I'm going to ask if Warren will go."
A brief emotion crossed Auden's face before he nodded and continued into the kitchen. I turned back and went to the door that had become Warren's room for however long he would stay. I gently knocked three times.
"Warren?" I called quietly, "River, Auden, and I are going out and we might grab lunch. Would you like to come with us?"
There was a pause. Silence. Then, I heard the softest noise. It almost sounded like a sniffle. Before I could question it further, his gruff voice replied, "Maybe later."
I exhaled, all hope leaving my chest as I deflated within. I wanted him to be included, and he still chose distance. Maybe I had said something wrong this morning. Perhaps he had taken serious offense and now he couldn't stand me. I might never know. I didn't say anything in return as I turned away from his door and walked back into the kitchen.
Auden was already standing by my front door with my light jacket in his hands. He had already been dressed up in casual attire, but he pulled on his tan coat--the one he had first worn when he arrived. He looked ready to hit the runway himself.
River stood from the stool he had occupied at my counter. He had changed out of the comfortable clothing from earlier. Now he was clad in a suit, looking like a true businessman, and I knew he would fit right in on the streets. A lot of men wore business suits in New York City, everyone needed to feel important.
"What did he say?" River asked, adjusting his sleeves.
"He might join us later," I replied.
I completely missed the glances exchanged between my two eldest brothers because I had put my head down to tie my shoes. When I stood, Auden held out my jacket.
"How did you know this was my favorite?" I asked, slipping my arms into the sleeves.
"It was the first on the hook and it has the most signs of wear."
I absentmindedly nodded. I was definitely going to need to get used to how observant he was. River joined us at the front door. I felt slightly out of place as I stood between them. They were dressed up and dashing, whilst I had on a light grey shirt and slacks, although I still trusted Auden's fashion sense. He had put my outfit together and he was the professional.
River met my eyes, and asked, "Ready?"
I studied my eldest brother for a breath, and then Auden. Their eyes didn't stray. I knew they would protect me. They were like two formidable forces, unable to be reckoned with, and I could hide in their shadows. They wouldn't let anyone steal me away, and they certainly wouldn't let the world crush me.
"Yes, I'm ready."
☼ ☼ ☼
How was the break from heartbreak?
There were no tears shed in the writing of this chapter, I'm going to call that good. I also didn't think I'd get this chapter done tonight and then I did (: