Elizabeth
When I go back inside, a blanket of goosebumps cover my body.
Seeing Jax again after all this time is like seeing a ghost. Like he's someone I knew in another lifetime, maybe even an entirely different world. Like he's someone I buried years ago, and now he's back, risen from the dead.
He haunts me in the same way as a ghost, too. Jax is danger personified. With that hotter than sin smirk, the Glock hidden underneath his shirt, and all his smooth-talking, he's a threat to every shred of this quiet, idyllic life I've built—not to mention my sanity—and he knows it. Not only knows it, but it thrills him.
For a moment, I wonder how he even found me, but then I remember this is Jax Hale we're talking about. I should have known that, sooner or later, he'd show up out of the blue like this. I couldn't hide from him forever and his return to wreak havoc on my life was just a matter of time.
He isn't angry or vindictive like I expect, but maybe the trauma of losing Emily weighs down his volatility. There's a little more scruff to his chin and a more mature look in his eye, but he's got his same charm and that chippy cockiness you hate to love.
His Harley roars to life as he peels out of the driveway, and I get an all too familiar quivering deep inside. For a moment, I'm nineteen again, sitting on the back of that bike, clinging to him like my life depends on it. I can still smell the leather, taste the whiskey on his lips. The winds rips through my hair as he guns it faster and faster, chaos and passion and the entire world at my fingertips.
Part of me craves that out of control, larger-than-life feeling again, but I made my choice a long time ago, and as the noise of the bike fades into the distance, so does that nostalgia. I have to protect my family now. Not just from Jax, but from the girl I was when I was on the back of that bike with him.
"So that's the famous ex-husband, huh?" Mike arches an eyebrow at me as I shut the door, locking it behind me in some sort of half-assed attempt to put even more resistance between myself and Jax.
"Not what you were expecting?" I ask as he follows me back into the kitchen. I pick my wine glass up and down it, ready for another. Tonight took a turn I wasn't ready for, but it's got me oddly calm. The worst thing I could imagine was Jax showing up here. It was what I feared the most all these years, what weighed heaviest on my mind, what kept me up at night anxious and panicked. Now it's happened and I almost feel relieved, but maybe that's my optimism talking though, and I'm just in a state of shock.
Mike lets out a sharp laugh. "Uh, no. I pictured way less Hell's Angel's and a little more prep school Polo star when I imagined the guy."
There is a hint of insecurity in his voice that I don't recognize. Mike is the quiet and subtle type of confident. Even though he could, he doesn't flaunt his dominance or intimidate others or throw his wealth around like candy. He's not the guy I have to defend my choices to, or be careful who I talk to or spend time with, and he never questions me or our relationship. Always steady, never anxious or insecure. Reliable and honest to a fault. The man is the pillar of composure, and when we met, it was that right there that caught my attention.
But I saw the look in his eye tonight, and Jax makes him nervous.
Jax makes everyone nervous, and that's exactly the way he likes it.
Leaning back against the counter, I grab Mike's hand and pull him into me. "He's the ex for a reason, Mike. You know that, right?"
"Oh, yeah." He grins, gently brushing his lips across mine and kissing the corner of my mouth. "I'm not worried about that guy." This time, he kisses my jawline, and I tilt my head to the side. "He had his chance, and he blew it, and I thank God every single day that he did."
Mike grabs my hips and plants me on the counter, gently pushing my knees apart and I wrap my legs around him. His kiss is soft and unassuming and gentle in a way that leaves me craving a bit of passion. Or hunger. Or excitement. Something that isn't routine. Something that makes me feel alive.
"Now where were we?" He whispers against my ear.
As he kisses me, I push away every thought other than making love to my husband. This is what I want, this is what I need, and nothing and no one is going to convince me otherwise.
______________________
When I wake up in the morning, a grogginess sets in and I can barely open my eyes. There is a blue light next to me and as it comes into focus, I see the alarm clock blinking at me. 7AM. My head pounds as if someone took a jackhammer to it and the thought of food makes me want to vomit. Am I really so old that a few glasses of wine cuff me this way? I consider it for a second, and then the memories from last night hit me like a damn tidal wave, and soon I'm drowning in them.
Jax showing up on my doorstep. Demanding to talk. Asking me for help to find Emily's killer. Kissing my cheek before he rode off into the night. His entitlement infuriates me all over again. How dare he show up like this? Who does he think he is?
I'd like to think it was all just a terrible dream, but the sense memories are just too strong for that. Determined to wash it all away, I bolt out of bed, determined to start today as any other. Mike is already showering, and before Harper wakes up, I go downstairs to the kitchen. Hopefully, a little caffeine will get me back on my feet and I'll be back to myself before anyone notices anything is off.
After Mike and I had sex last night, he rolled over and fell asleep almost instantly, but I wasn't so lucky. The hum of Jax's Harley still ringing in my ears, the spark of his kiss on my cheek still vibrating in my chest. I laid awake for hours, frustrated and desperate for rest but wrestling with the two women inside of me. The one Jax knew and the one I am now.
He showed up here looking for a girl who doesn't exists anymore, and as much as I want to see Emily's killer brought to justice, I can't help him. That much is clear.
When I walked away from Jax, I buried every single good memory I had of him, clinging to the bad ones like they were my lifeline. I replayed them over and over in my mind during those first few months until they were distorted, and even more painful and suffocating than they were in reality. It's easier to leave a man you're madly in love if you make yourself hate him, and that's exactly what I had to do with Jax. But when he's in front of me, it's harder to deny how good we were together and those sweet, beautiful memories take shape again.
Obviously, I can't go see him at the club today. If I have to avoid Jax like the plague to protect my family, that's what I'll do, and we'll both just have to live with that.
Once the coffee sets in, a calmness washes over me and my mind starts to settle. My routine is so predictable that my body almost moves through the kitchen on its own, making breakfast muffins, pouring coffee for Mike, getting everything ready for the start of the day. As I wait for the muffins to bake, I look out the window at the morning sun beams hitting the dewy flowers in our garden. A hummingbird drinks from the feeder and a few other birds chirp nearby. Soon, tiny little feet pitter pat down the stairs, and a few seconds later, Harper is bounding into my arms.
"Mommy! I have a playdate with Allie today!"
"Is that today? Are you sure?" I tease, scrunching my nose at her.
Harper giggles, squirming down just as quickly as she came up. "Of course it is! Because today is Saturday! Yesterday was Friday because we had Friday Fun Day at school and I got to throw water balloons into a big bucket. And tomorrow is... Sunday!"
"Wow!" Mike grins, coming around the corner and joining us in the kitchen. "You are so smart. How did you get to be that smart? Surely it's not from me. You must get that from your mother."
Mike winks, reaching for my hand and swiping a kiss across my cheek. "Good morning."
"Good morning." I hand him a cup of coffee, prepared just how he likes it. A suit and tie replace his usual Saturday morning uniform of shorts and a t-shirt, and he's got his laptop bag slung over his shoulder. "Are you going into work today?"
"Just for a bit." His face falls. "Mac has that big fundraiser on Wednesday and we're all scrambling to make sure it goes well. Do you want me to call Heather and make sure she can still watch Harper while we go?"
Mike is the Chief of Staff for one of Massachusetts most prominent state senators—just one more reason my past has to stay buried. If the truth got out, it would ruin his career.
"I'll take care of it." I assure him with a tight smile. "Will you be home for dinner?"
"Absolutely." He nods. "In fact, how about I take my girls out? We could go to that new Mexican place you wanted to try?"
"I want Lucky's!" Harper chimes in as I grab the muffins out of the oven.
Mike grabs her, throwing her over his shoulder and tickling her until she dissolves into the sweetest giggles before finally setting her back down. "You always want Lucky's. Why don't we try something new this time?"
"Fine." She groans, crossing her arms over her chest. "But I'm still eating grilled cheese."
"As you wish, m'lady." He mocks a character from Harper's latest obsession, the Princess and the Pea.
Their antics make me laugh, and I can't help but smile watching the two of them together. This family is everything I've ever wanted.
Mike checks his watch and grabs a still-scalding hot muffin. "I have to get going. I'll call you later. Love you!"
"Bye daddy!" Harper calls after him, settling herself into a chair so she can eat.
We finish breakfast and she gets herself ready while I clean up the kitchen. Once she's ready, we head over to her friend Allie's house and I drop her off, waving to Allie's mother Kim as I pull away. Kim and I are good friends, and usually I would stay to chat with her, but I'm not in the mood for it today.
Instead, I head for the cemetery.
Since finding out about Emily's death, I've been here a few times. Somehow, sitting here makes me feel closer to her, and this morning, that seems like exactly what I need.
Leaving Jax also meant leaving Emily, and that is one thing I will always regret. Even as an adult, she was trapped under her family's thumb and I could see how much she was suffering there. I could see how it was chipping away at her and beaten down her fiery spirit.
Adored daughter. The words engraved in stone make my stomach turn. The hypocrisy is disgusting. Marlena and Frank didn't adore Emily—they tried to change who she was from the moment she was born. They hated her and ostracized her and really only acknowledged her existence for appearances.
I knew all too well how demoralizing it could be to live up to Marlena Hale's expectations. Despite Jax and I being head over heals in love with each other, I was never good enough for him in her eyes. She had her sights set on any of several girls who came from money, went to a prestigious private schools, and fell into line exactly like she wanted them, too.
Instead, he fell for the rough-around-the-edges stripper who had no filter, no family, and not a single cent to her name. It didn't matter that I made her son happy. It didn't matter that I paid my own way through law school, accepting no money from Jax. It didn't matter that I jumped through every hoop she put out to try to make her like me. None of it mattered and none of it ever would. Marlena Hale was a disastrously manipulative woman, and she didn't care who she hurt in her warpath.
Emily's only saving grace in that family was Jax, and if she was adored by anyone, it was him. He would go to the ends of the Earth to protect her if he could, and I knew not being able to save her must be eating him alive.
As my fingers trace over the cool stone, a sinking feeling sets in.
I can't let justice go unserved for my friend, who I'd already let down once. I can't let Jax do this alone. I have to at least hear him out.