Tw//self harm, eating disorder, mentions of past sexual abuse (sorry for any spelling mistakes O_o)
Ochako hated waking up, she hated Mondays, she hated school, and she hated carrying her bass guitar with her to school.
She could have left it in the music room, but she hated the idea of it getting damaged while she wasn't there. It was a gift she got from her parents in middle school and she wanted to take care of it. So she had to go through the embarrassing pain of making her hour-long commute to school with a heavy bass guitar (in its case) that was more than half her size on her back and her pink backpack on her front side.
She looked dumb and the only thing that made her pain more bearable was the dark clouds that covered the sky along with a light drizzle and Mina who walked to school with her.
She appreciated her company over the weekend and it made her feel a lot better. She just had to make sure she didn't break down in the middle of class. Especially since avoiding Izuku would be hard since they were in the same class. She took a deep breath and sighed as she let it out.
"Stop being so anxious. You're gonna be fine." Mina says, giving her a supportive smile. Ochako looks up at her and tries to smile back, but fails.
Mina looks at her worriedly. "Don't worry. I've got you. All I want you to do is practice hard and do a good job so we can have fun after the concert, alright?!" Mina says as they reach the music room so Ochako could put down her guitar for when she needs it after school.
Ochako lets out a soft chuckle and nods. "Alright. I'll try." She says
She starts fidgeting as they make their way to their classroom. Ochako holds her breath as Mina opens the door. She was sure if she saw Izuku she would start bawling. It would be awkward to explain since the only person in their class that Ochako was aware knew about their break up was Mina.
But luckily she saw his chair was empty and she felt like she could breathe again. She quickly made it to her seat, and instantly put her head down. She was tired and already so overwhelmed.
She had barely slept last night despite the fact Mina was laying right next to her. She was too busy reading the old messages between her and Izuku and looking at all the pictures she took of him. She was trying to figure out where she went wrong, and how she could fix it.
"Eh- Don't fall asleep Ocha." She hears Mina say next to her. Ochako lifts her head, her eyes still closed. "But we have 15 minutes left before class starts." Ochako whines. Mina only chuckles and shakes her head.
Mina looks up to look around the classroom and just so happens to make eye contact with Izuku just as he walks through the door. He stares back at her with a puzzled expression and the tension in the room thickness.
It's not that he has an issue with Mina, it's just that he noticed she was standing next to what looked like a sleeping Ochako, and the blank look he gave her let him know that she knew what happened between them over the weekend. It made him irritated. No matter what happened to Ochako, she always had to be there. Even when it was none of her business.
He huffs and rolls his eyes, slumping down into his chair, not bothering to greet Bakugou–who had seen the whole silent interaction between them–as he usually does.
The sudden awkward tension doesn't go unnoticed by the rest of the class. It was actually quite hard to sit in. Mina pouts and tries to shake off the feeling.
"You're staying after school today, right? Want me to wait for you?" Mina asks, trying to keep Ochako up and alert and also distract her from the fact her ex just walked into the classroom.
Ochako lets out a groan at the reminder and sighs. "Yeah. Jirou says she's extending the practice time by an hour because Kaminari is still having trouble with his rifts. Which sucks ass." She mumbles into her arms.
"You can stay if you want. I wouldn't see why though." Ochako says. Mina smiles. "Because it's gonna be dark when you finally leave and I don't want anything bad happening to you." She says. She wasn't looking down on her, it was more in a girl-supporting girl's way.
They continue mindlessly conversing until the bell rings and class officially starts. Ochako groaned quietly as she sat up. It would be embarrassing if Aizawa called her out for sleeping in his class.
...
Class was unbearably long and unbearably awkward for Izuku. He couldn't concentrate and constantly found himself looking back at Ochako. To see how she was holding up. She never once looked at him the whole class and he knew. He always knew when Ochakos eyes were on him. And he never felt her presence once.
Her hair was messier than usual and her eye bags were so dark he could see them all the way from his seat. But what bothered him was how...fine she seemed.
He knew Ochako better than the back of his hand and she only seemed to be sleep deprived. He smiled gently. He knew she would get over him. It hurt, but it made him relieved. Now it was just his turn.
When the final bell of the day rings Izuku lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. His head hurt and he wanted to get home so he could eat away his feelings and mope around.
He flinches at the sound of palms hitting his desk. He looks up to see Bakugou death-starring him.
"You and raccoon eyes really need to work on that dumbass silent rivalry you guys have going on. That was absolutely the worst class I've ever had to sit through. Your little depressed spirits just cursed everyone." Bakugou says, standing up.
Izuku pouts. "Ashido and I aren't rivals. And I don't have a problem with her." Izuku says, annoyed with Bakugou's attitude. Bakugou stares at him with a scowl on his face.
"You're a horrible liar." He growls as he gets up to leave, leaving Izuku alone, still sitting at his desk. It seemed that everyone else knew that they had a silent rivalry more than Izuku and Mina themselves.
He was telling the truth. He didn't have a problem with Ashido. Well...he tried not to. He couldn't tell if it was because she had randomly started hating him for no reason or because he wants Ochako all to himself. Well, he wanted Ochako to himself. He's not her boyfriend anymore so he shouldn't be so pissed.
He sighed heavily. That girl was too hard to get out of his mind.
...
Mina sits against the wall next to the door of the music room. She really didn't want to leave Ochako alone. Especially because she was mentally unstable right now. Who would be there to comfort her if she had a breakdown?
She had on headphones and was watching something on her phone. Ochako insisted that she didn't care if Mina heard the few songs they had planned. But Mina wanted it to be a surprise and hearing them practice over and over again would take the excitement out of it.
She jumps when she feels a hand on her shoulder. She takes off her headphones and looks up to see Kirishima standing next to her along with Izuku. She pouts as Kirishima laughs at her. She blushes, although it's not visible to the other two due to her brown skin. "That wasn't funny." She whines.
Kirishima grins. "I didn't think you would get scared." He says, plopping himself down next to her. He was also waiting for Bakugou so they could walk home together as they usually did.
Mina looks up at Izuku, curious as to why he was with Kirishima. "Why are you here? It's not like you have anyone to wait for." She asks, her eyes narrowing. She wasn't going to pretend she didn't know about Izuku and Ochako's breakup. It was useless.
Izuku furrows his eyebrows and stares back at her. She really got on his nerves most time. "Why are you such a jerk to me for no reason?"
Mina huffs and feels a pang of both irritation and anger. "It's not for no reason. I have a valid reason to hate you. You hurt Ochako and forced her to do something she didn't want to do! It was a sensitive topic and you were forcing her to show you her wrists!" Remembering that day and remembering how Ochako was violently trembling in her arms and her cries never failed to make her heart hurt.
Izuku is taken aback and grits his teeth. He didn't think that she would be upset about that. Then he thought. Of course, she would. She seemed to be more obsessed with ochako than him. If Ochako was happy, she was happy. If Ochako was upset or angry, then she would feel the same too. He was already still upset at himself about it and didn't need anyone else mad at him too.
"It happened two years ago. Ochako has probably forgotten about it. She forgave me too. And it's not like it had anything to do with you in the first place." He argues back. He didn't see the need to hold a grudge against him for something he regretted.
Mina's face scrunched up with annoyance. "You made her have such a bad panic attack she literally thought she was dying and had to be hospitalized." Mina growls.
"You're just upset because you have a crush on Ochako and she ended up not hating me and didn't fall in love with you for being her knight in shining armor." He says, giving her a smirk.
Mina's eyes widen and her eyebrows furrow with anger despite the blush on her face. "Fuck you! You know nothing!" She yells. She wasn't upset because Ochako didn't requite her feelings. Yeah, it fucking sucked, but she was there to support her no matter what. Even if her heart yearned for her whilst Ochakos yearned for someone else.
Izuku shakes his head and chuckles. "You don't really care for her. You just use her mental health as an excuse to get close to her while she's vulnerable and can't think for herself." He says. Was he jealous? No. He was just tired of Mina and her childish antics. That was all.
Mina clenches her hands into fists. "You're talking a whole fucking lot for someone who broke up with Ochako and left the damn girl hurt and crying hysterically to the point of throwing up over something you could have solved without hurting her! But yeah, I guess I'm the selfish one here for caring about my friend." She yells.
It was hard to see Ochako in pain and then have to continue to act like everything was fine. She wanted her to be happy and she wondered why bad things only happened to her.
"You're not even dating her. So why care about her so much then? because to me it seems like you don't care about her." She says in a lower tone than before. Izuku's eyes narrowed again and he was taken back. Now he knew why he hated her.
But at the same time, he couldn't figure out what to say back to her. Was she right? Was it selfish of him to break up with Ochako because of his own emotions? Thinking was making his head hurt and he shook his head.
"Fuck you." He mumbled and turned on his heels walking away. He was beyond pissed and didn't know how to handle it because he never really got angry.
He waits until he gets past the UA gates to light his cigarette. His head was pounding and everything was getting on his nerves. He really didn't want to be the grouchy type, but life itself was making it hard.
Maybe he needed someone to talk to. Bakugou wasn't an option because he was too obnoxious and would curse him out at any given moment. Iida was too serious and talking to him would be awkward.
So his best choice was to call Shouto and ask him to come over despite it being a school night.
....
Kirishima and Mina sit in an awkward silence–well, awkward to Kirishima. Mina was too busy seething with anger. Izuku had no reason to talk to her like that. She could admit that she started their mini-argument, but he took it too far.
Kirishima snaps her out of her thoughts. "Wait- so Midoriya was the reason Uraraka had that really big panic attack back then? Also, you like her despite the fact she has...well had a boyfriend? Wait! They broke up?!" He yells at her, wanting answers.
Mina's head snaps over in his direction and she stares at him with wide eyes. She totally forgot Kirishima was sitting next to her and mentally face-palmed.
She sighs and gives him a stern look. "I can't tell you more about the first part. Ochako would kill me." Mina says, rubbing her hand on her forehead. That night, no one knew why she had gone into a panic attack except for Mina and Izuku. Ochako lied to everyone else to keep them from hating Izuku.
"But I can tell you that they did break up since everyone will find out eventually."
Kirishima pouts. "But why?? They were so cute!" Mina shrugs. "I don't know." Mina lies. "Ochako didn't tell me." She lies again. "You can ask her if you want." She says. She wasn't going to expose any more of Ochakos problems. She had already fucked up due to Izuku being obnoxious.
"I don't think she would be all too happy though." Mina chuckles.
A silence falls between them again before the sound of a door opening startles them. Both.
"Huh? Ochako, what's wrong?" Mina says, standing up. She had her pink rain jacket and backpack on.
"I wasn't feeling good, so I decided to leave early." She says. She had gotten an hour of practice in and she already knew her parts. She didn't see the reason to stay. Especially since she couldn't hold back her urge to hurt herself. It was all she could think about and she wanted to go home.
Mina nods and stands up, collecting her things. Just as they're about to leave, the music room door opens and they both look back to see Bakugou.
"Pink cheeks, if you're gonna slack off because of a dumb boy, then don't bother showing up at all." He growls. Ochako looks down guilty and blinks back her tears.
"Don't you think that's a little harsh 'suki?" Kirishima asks, his eyebrows furrowed worriedly. Mina nods. "Yeah, what the fuck Katsuki?" She snarls.
Ochako smiles gently and looks back up. Yeah, Bakugou's words hurt but she knew that he was right. How was she going to be able to do her best and work hard if she couldn't last an hour without crying over something so dumb?
"You're right. I promise by tomorrow I will be back to normal!" She says enthusiastically and her smile grows. She didn't want to be a burden so she was going to figure something out to get rid of her problems by tomorrow morning.
Bakugou's eyes narrow at her bullshit statement but doesn't bother her any longer. "Good. You better." He says, before going back into the music room.
~~~~
"Oh. That sucks." Shouto says, slurping up his cold soba. Izuku stares at him with a puzzled expression. "That's all you have to say?" He questions. He was at least expecting him to give him a little positive advice to cope. Shouto nods.
"I've never been in a break up." He says. Izuku pouts. "You've never even had a partner." He mumbles. Shouto nods again. "Exactly." He seems more interested in his food than Izuku issues.
Izuku sighs. He felt pathetic. He barely knew how to live without having a girlfriend. Life felt weirder and he found himself being irritated by small things. He didn't realize the small things he had done with Ochako and turned into habits. Like constantly checking his phone to see if she texted him or spending countless hours talking to her instead of sleeping early or studying. He was so used to getting up to go to Ochako's desk or waiting for her to come to him during breaks in between classes. He had to stop himself from getting up several times. It was things like that that happened normally and now that it stopped, he felt disoriented.
"Uraraka is very blunt." Shouto states, looking up at Izuku. Izuku raises an eyebrow curiously.
"If she didn't enjoy being with you and you were making her unhappy, I'm sure she wouldn't hesitate to tell you." He says.
Izuku only looks down. He somewhat agreed with Shouto. Ochako was the type of person to never lie about her true thoughts. Even if she came off as mean most times. She wouldn't hesitate to tell Izuku if he looked ugly or if he was annoying her. It was one of the things he enjoyed about her. He thought it was cute.
He frowns remembering Ochakos habits. He missed it. But even after having two people's opinions, his mind didn't change. Even though his gut was yelling at him and telling him he was dumb for dumping Ochako, his brain said otherwise. It was driving him insane.
He felt like crying and he couldn't stop the hot tears that ran down his cheeks. For ages, he denied the fact he had separation anxiety, but now he couldn't really lie to himself anymore. He couldn't function like a normal person without Ochako and it was embarrassing.
He stuffs his head in his arms and sobs, ignoring Shoutos presence. He hadn't cried all day and needed a second to clear his mind. He wasn't the best at expressing his emotions and either said stuff he didn't really mean and didn't explain how he felt, or he cried. And so far, the only thing he's been able to do is to cry.
It takes him a few minutes to calm down. He knew he wouldn't be able to get over Ochako as soon as possible, but it still hurt. He couldn't stop thinking of her and it hurt. But he knew she wasn't happy with him and it hurt more.
"S-Sorry for crying. I just-" Izuku starts, but is cut off.
"Why apologize for crying? You're allowed to cry. I tell you this every time." Shouto says, looking at him with his usual blank expression. Although he wasn't the best at comforting others he never judged them for showing emotions. Especially Izuku since he's the only friend he has who cries so much.
Izuku looks up at him with puffy eyes and rubs away any lingering tears. "But-" Izuku is cut off again.
"No buts. You're in pain. You can cry. Everyone cries. I'm not judging you. At the end of the day, you'll get over it eventually." Shouto says before slurping up the rest of his noodles.
Izuku looks down and stays silent. He was right, but it still felt embarrassing. None of his friends cried as much as he did. No matter how big or little the situation was. The only person he knew who cried a lot was Ochako. But that was different. She is a girl. Izuku is a boy. Boys shouldn't show weakness so much. That's what he told himself at least. Everyone seemed to disagree with him.
He felt so fatigued and just wanted to go to bed. He feels Shoutos hand pat his head gently as he gets up to put his bowl in the sink.
"You look tired so I'm gonna head home. Thanks for the food." Shouto says in his usual monotone voice. Izuku looks up at him and attempts to give him a smile, but fails. He sighs. "You're welcome. Good night." Izuku mumbles. Shouto gives him a half smile. "I'll check on you Tomorrow." He says, waving before slipping on his shoes.
~~~~
Tuesday goes by quickly and uneventfully. Before Ochako knows it, Wednesday rolls around and she's forced out of the bed by her parents.
She hides under her blanket and covers her ears so she doesn't have to hear their attempts at getting her to get out of bed. She was fine yesterday, and she practiced hard, but now that it was the day for her to put all that to use, she wasn't ready. Her stomach hurt at the thought of having to see Izuku again.
Eventually, her parents leave her alone and she comes out of her cocoon. She still had a few hours before their performance started and she didn't see the need to be rushed.
She gets up and slowly makes her way to the kitchen and sits down in front of the food her parents made for her before leaving for work. They always left before her, so they tried to eat breakfast together. Although she didn't participate in their conversations and barely answered when they talked to her.
After eating all her food and washing her plate, she makes her way to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her. Her parents were still home and if they caught her doing what she was about to do, they would yell at her about why it wasn't good as if she didn't already know.
She starts her morning routine as she always does, regardless if Izuku is distracting her from her pain or not. She gets on her knees in front of the toilet and uses her pointer and middle finger to make herself throw up the food she just ate.
She didn't want to make a fool out of herself by being too fat on stage. She ate a lot that morning due to not eating during the night. Izuku wouldn't want her back if he noticed she gained weight.
~~~
Ochako had gone the whole day without seeing Izuku and it relieved her anxiety. For then. Now she was waiting, picking at her nails anxiously, backstage as they would be going on any minute.
She shrieks as she feels a hand on her shoulder, causing the others to look at her. She laughs it off, her cheeks a deeper shade of pink due to embarrassment.
"What?!" She huffs out angrily as she turns around, looking up at Bakugou. His other hand goes to her other shoulder and he shakes her violently.
"Snap the fuck out of it pink cheeks. You're so fuckin nervous over nothing it's making you look paler than a ghost." He says, finally stopping shaking her. Ochako is dizzy for a moment and pouts.
"I'm fine!" She says, defending herself. She didn't see why Bakugou cared about her so much all of a sudden. Her poor attempt at lying doesn't faze Bakugou and he rolls his eyes. "Snap out of it, mentally tell Deku to go fuck himself, and have fun." He says, gripping her shoulder tighter.
Ochako pouts more and winces at the pain."Okay! You can let go of me now!" She whines. Bakugou huffs and lets her go. "You better not fuck up. Or else..." He says, not fully wanting to threaten a girl. Or Ochako more specifically. She was stronger physically than she looked.
Ochako gives him a determined smile. She didn't want anyone worrying over her. "I won't! I promise." She says, throwing a fist into the air enthusiastically. She was going to have fun. This is what she was looking forward to for months. At least, that's what she wanted to feel.
...
Ochako sits on the floor of the shower, naked, as warm water from the shower head warms her body up. She tried to enjoy herself, she tried to have fun but she couldn't. She put on a fake smile during the time she was on stage and during the fun games she played with her friends after, but it still didn't stop the fact that she didn't want to be there. She didn't want to be on the earth to be more exact.
For a second she was convinced that all the fake smiles she was doing were helping and that she was feeling a bit better and genuinely happy. But Izuku had to remind her it was just all an act and she would never really truly be happy ever again.
She had just gotten her backpack from her chair in the empty classroom and was changing out her indoor shoes for her outdoor shoes in the cubby in front of their classroom. As she was doing so, she heard footsteps and briefly looked up. She felt her heart sink and then start to pound rapidly.
She wasn't sure why Izuku was walking toward her, but it was making her panic. It was only the two of them in the hallway as she assumed everyone was outside. Many thoughts ran through her mind and she couldn't think. Maybe he was going to finally explain himself a little better and that would fix the awkward tension between them and they could become friends again-
That's what Ochako thought as she stood up, brushing the dirt from the floor off her skirt. She was thinking so much, she barely realized that Izuku wasn't even looking at her. In fact, he was walking down the hallway as if he didn't see her and she was invisible to him.
Izuku walks past her, not acknowledging her existence. It made her stop and think for a second. She questioned if what happened was just real. Izuku never ignored her. She questioned if she was even real, or if the Izuku that had just walked past her was real.
She was brought back into reality at the sound of an unfamiliar feminine voice. She turned around to see a student she didn't recognize calling out to Izuku. She watched as he smiled and waved, running up to her.
Everything else was a blur. How he managed to move on so quickly was something she didn't want an answer to. She couldn't watch them talk anymore. It was making her chest hurt with each breath that she took and she felt as if she couldn't breathe.
She runs off to the women's restroom nearby and goes into a stall slamming it closed and locking it behind her before falling onto her knees and emptying out her lunch into the toilet.
She threw up until she was heaving and gagging, as it left nothing in her stomach. She was crying so much and she could care less if someone was in there witnessing her having a breakdown. She couldn't think and all she knew was that she wanted to die. She was hurting so bad that she wanted to die. Everything hurt.
She felt so dumb crying over a boy and she couldn't stop thinking about the way Izuku smiled at that girl. It was a smile he always gave her and her only. It was something soft that was only for her eyes to see.
She was tall, and skinny, and had long pink hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. She wondered if Izuku would ever look at her the same after being with that girl. Izuku always told her how pretty she was. He was probably regretting that now.
She pulls at her wet hair and sobs loudly and uncontrollably, not caring if her parents could hear her. She was supposed to be washing off the blood from her self-inflicted wounds, but her brain wouldn't shut up. It wouldn't stop replaying that scene over and over and it was driving her insane.
She didn't know what to do and the only thing she could manage to do was cry. She wanted to be happy. She wanted to be happy for Izuku more specifically. She wanted to be happy that he wasn't hurting as much as her and that he was finally able to date the tall beautiful girl with big breasts and fair skin he had always wanted instead of being stuck with her. She understood why he broke up with her.
Although, Izuku was one of the nicer ones and was her first boyfriend instead of some random guy assaulting her. Still, she accepted that he only wanted her after he found out her body was broken and impure.
It was true. If it weren't then she wouldn't have been hurt so many times.
Ochako only wipes her tears and forces herself to stop crying. She needed to stop feeling bad for herself. Feeling bad that no one truly loved her for her and that she would forever be seen as a toy for a boy to use for a while before moving on. She needed to accept it and she needed to wait until she fell in love with another douchebag of a boy who only wanted her for her body for the hundredth time.