It was only about half an hour before the Author came back. "Sorry for the wait, I was struggling to figure something out for a while. So, for this reaction, I'll be reading aloud a bunch of random quotes me and my dumbass friends have said over the years. If you want to challenge yourselves and guess the context, be my guest. Anyway, let's get started!"
"This can't be any worse than the memes, can it?" Todoroki quietly asked himself.
"Number one: 'I murdered Barry Bitch Benson!'"
Todo sighed. "I stand corrected."
"NOT BARRY B. BENSON BEE!" Denki screamed.
"Who the hell is Barry Bitch Benson?" Brian asked.
"I don't think I want to know," Stewie said.
Kirishima laughed. "Can I safely assume that someone killed a bee before reciting this quote?"
"Yes, actually," Author replied. "Okay, next.
"Quote two: 'I'm gonna send the part where they meet in the hallway and [Anonymous Person] is on heroin.'"
"Wait, what?" Lois exclaimed.
"Who the frick is being met in the hallway and why are they on heroin," Ashido asked blankly.
"I second that," Todoroki said.
"I, third!" Iida shouted authoritatively. "I am quite concerned for the well-being of this individual."
"'Send the part where'...?" Bakugo said, debating aloud the context. "The hell...?"
"Is this a quote of someone talking about a fictional scenario they made up?" Kirishima suggested.
"Two for two, Eijiro!"
Kirishima pumped his fist. "Yes!"
"Whoo! Get it, bro!" Denki yelled.
Chris laughed. "Wow, you're pretty good at this!"
"Thanks, man."
"If I may, in what fictional scenario is this even happening?" Stewie asked.
Author giggled. "Collaborative crackfic," they answered simply. "My friends and I were writing a – bear with me – 'Sports Boy A x Sports Boy B x Xtra Math Guy' fanfiction based on two certain kids we went to school with."
"Sounds fruity," Todoroki said, surprising literally everyone.
Denki was the only one who managed to speak. "BRO, WHAT –"
"Okay, quote three:" Author continued, trying not to laugh at Todo's remark, "'Rosie, get your musty balls away from me!'"
Sero's eyes widened. "I - what?"
Peter laughed. "That's what she-"
"Peter, I swear to god," Lois said, trying to sound pissed while poorly hiding her amusement.
"How big are they?" Mina jokingly muttered, making Bakugo snort as he held back a laugh.
"Ashido, no," Izuku said.
"ASHIDO, YES."
Author maniacally laughed. "Kirishima, you seem... stuck. Any guesses?"
Kiri furrowed his brows, deep in thought. He finally sighed. "...nope. I honestly have no idea."
They laughed again. "Would you like... a hint?"
"Sure...?"
"Rosalinda is a dog," Author said. "She lives with my one friend's grandma. Boston terrier, brown and white coat, tiny but insanely strong, loves to tackle people and give them infinite slobbery kisses. She's very sweet, kind of annoying, but I love her so much. And she also bit a gecko in half once."
Meanwhile, Brian went red. He was suddenly crushing on this girl he'd never even seen before. Hard. His mind ran wild with possibilities of how amazing she could be, and his tail began wagging slightly. Rosalina. She sounded beautiful, kind, energetic, smart, and -
"Don't get any ideas, bro," Author said, interrupting his fantasies. "She's an innocent bean and a happy single Pringle. Back off."
"What? N-no," Brian stuttered, "I wasn't –"
"Yeah, uh-huh. Anyway, Kirishima. Any guesses?"
Kirishima thought it over for a second. "Was Rosie playing with her balls? Like, a tennis ball or something?"
"Yes, actually," Author said, "but much bigger balls than that. Like, a literal yoga ball; she was rolling it around the room and getting slobber all over it."
Peter's face twisted into a horny smirk. He laughed the Peter laugh.
"Fat man, you have quite the twisted mind," Stewie muttered.
"Quote four: 'You're all communists, I know it.'"
"This is the most normal one so far, and that terrifies me," Aizawa said.
"Okay, wait. I'm sorry, but why do people think communism is so funny?" Meg asked.
Author gave a simple reply: "Because memes."
Meg was still confused but decided it would be best to just not ask. Humanity had decided that several countries had earned the title of 'meme;' how was an economic system any different? It was weird, illogical, she didn't entirely understand it, and she didn't really want to try.
"Wait, wait, wait. Don't you mean," Kaminari said, "'We're all communists?'"
"'We know it?'" Ashido said with a smirk.
Iida did his hand-chop thing. "I am honestly confused as to what is happening anymore."
"Me, too, Iida-kun," Uraraka said. "Me, too."
"Quote five: 'I like kicking children.'"
Denki grinned. "Lol same."
"Did... did you actually just say the word 'lol' out loud?" Izuku asked.
Stewie had an odd feeling regarding the quote come over him. It resonated with him; the idea of pettily hurting young kids for no reason besides personal enjoyment. He smirked. This was easily his favorite quote so far. Bakugo, on the other hand, was slightly disturbed by the fact that someone was kicking kids, but it wasn't his place to care.
"This seems kind of brutal," Uraraka said, "but... I can't deny that it's pretty funny."
"...I'm honestly surprised that there wasn't more of a reaction to that," Author remarked. "Ah well, moving on...
"Quote six: 'It's times like these when I wonder where my Uncle Dave is.'"
Quite a few people around the room just burst out laughing. "Why do I find this so absolutely hilarious?" Kirishima asked nobody in particular, snickering.
"Fantastic question," Aizawa muttered.
Peter sighed when he heard the quote. "Me too, kid. Me too."
"Wait, you have an Uncle Dave?" Brian asked.
Peter had tears in his eyes. "We don't talk about Dave Griffin much."
"Um, sorry I asked...?"
A few people barely caught the Author quietly singing something along the lines of, "We don't talk about Dave, oh no, no, no... We don't talk about Dave..."
"Now, I am genuinely curious," Iida said. "Where is this Uncle Dave?"
"Nobody knows," Author said melodramatically. "His identity and whereabouts remain one of the biggest mysteries of our friend group to this day. I have previously attempted backtracking any information on him that I can possibly find, but it doesn't work. Some mysteries aren't meant to be solved, I suppose."
"Everyone," Denki said, standing up and holding a bag of Takis. He took a Taki out of the bag and held it in the air. "A toast to Uncle Dave. May he continue to live out his best life and be found by his family soon. Oh, or uh, if he's dead, may his soul rest in peace... or something."
Everyone in the room apart from the sensible adults grabbed a Taki from the bag and ate it for the toast. Even Author smiled, said a brief "Drink to that, sis," and took a swig of their tea. Oh, and Brian took a sip of–
"Wait, Brian, where the hell did you get a margarita?" Author asked.
His eyes widened. "Uh..." The Author snapped their fingers, the whole room hearing it over the speakers, and the glass was sucked out of Brian's paw, into a small portal. "Damn it."
"Anyway, quote seven: 'I don't wanna go into lockdown because of some stupid teabag.'"
"I- what," Stewie said, very confused.
"A teabag?" Izuku asked. "How is a teabag going to send someone into lockdown?"
Kirishima thought about it. "Maybe... 'teabag' being used as an insult here?"
"That's not a bad idea," Uraraka muttered in agreement.
"I'll look it up on Urban Dictionary," Chris said, pulling out his phone.
So, he did.
And immediately regretted it.
Peter looked over his son's shoulder and lost it.
"Um, yeah," Author said, "the person who said this didn't mean 'teabag' like that. It was actually just a typo of 'teenager.'"
"Does that mean there was a threat of some kind at this person's school?" Aizawa said.
"...yes and no."
Mina gasped aloud. "Was this around the time of that TikTok that told people to rooty-tooty-point-'n-shooty their schools on a specific day?"
A chorus of "Oh" and "OH YEAH" echoed around the room.
"Yep; this was sent to me by one of my friends the day before that TikTok school shooting threat was supposed to take place," Author confirmed. "I forget the date, but unsurprisingly, nothing happened at my school. And Mina is the new context-guessing queen."
Mina jumped up in celebration. "Yay!"
"Wait, what about Shitty Hair?" Bakugo asked defensively.
"I stopped guessing after the Rosie quote," Kiri said with a shrug. "I gave it up myself. It's fine; I don't really care."
Bakugo sighed. "'Kay, yeah. That's fair, I guess."
"Quote eight: 'I died in front of 260 people, I think I'm fine.'"
"Wait, then how are you alive to say this?" Deku asked.
Iida furrowed his brows. "I am wondering the same thing, Midoriya."
"We all are, you dumbass nerd!" Bakugo screeched.
"How are you calling someone a dumbass and a nerd in the same sentence?" Stewie said. "It contradicts itself."
"Shut up, Football Head," Bakugo mumbled.
Stewie gasped. "How dare you insult me, you vile human? I swear to God, I shall kill you for –"
"HEY, CHILDREN," Author shouted. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KILLING EACH OTHER?"
"That it is not allowed!" Iida said, standing up and hand-choppy-chopping.
"Correct, Iida-kun. So," they continued, "you two are going to stop now. No questions asked. You have no idea what I'm capable of if you decide to keep this up. Understood?"
Both problem children silently nodded, salty looks on their faces. Aizawa sighed, grateful for this person keeping his most problematic student under control, even if they themselves were a bit suspicious. Regardless, the reaction continued.
"Quote nine: 'Your dad is an old man and he is sexy.'"
Most of the room just burst out laughing, more or less in confusion.
"Hey, Meg, have any of your friends ever said this?" Peter asked with a smirk.
"What? Ew, no," she said.
"Nah, man," Denki wheezed, "Deku."
The aforementioned greenette looked confused. "Huh?"
"Your dad, All Might," Todoroki said. "He's an old man, and he's sexy."
The room lost it again.
"This was actually said in reference to my dad," Author spoke up.
"Wait," Chris asked, "what does your dad look like?"
Author paused before answering. "Uh... picture a cross-over of Mr. Clean, a white Will Smith, and Michael Scott."
Kaminari smirked. "Raise your hand if he sounds like a DILF."
Mina, Uraraka, Kirishima, Sero, Chris, and Peter all raised their hands.
Lois was very confused. "Peter, what the hell –?"
"Okay, nope, we're moving on before I die," Author said, trying not to sound as disturbed as they really were.
"Final quote – and I've saved the best for last here – '[Person] fucks so many people we don't even know who he's dating anymore. His man whore is showing.'"
Dead silence. A few people held back laughs.
"Just curious; how hot is this person?" Meg asked.
Author sighed. "He's like... teenage Kirk Cameron but significantly worse-looking."
Mina pulled out her phone and looked up a picture of teenage Kirk Cameron, since few in the room knew what he looked like off the top of their heads. A few people thought he was attractive, most didn't. Stewie blatantly stated that this seemed like the kind of person he would kill first as ruler of the world.
"He's pretty cute," Lois said.
"Ew, no," Mina muttered.
"I like Kirk Cameron, but this guy sounds a bit... eh," Meg said.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Author suddenly said. "To make the clubhouse appear, we get to say the MAGIC WORDS!"
"Meeska, mooska, Mickey Mouse...?" Bakugo muttered, confusing literally everyone.
"Kidding, kidding, slash-j; the thing I actually almost forgot," Author continued, "is that he also has a soulless smile plastered on his face 24/7 and it's kind of attractive to some people."
"Doesn't sound very attractive," Stewie muttered, being a bi-con for the 489th time.
"Yeah, no," Mina agreed.
"So... I guess that concludes this reaction," Author said after a short pause. "Welp. Time to fulfill my end of the deal."
The house lights and screen went dark. The theater room became pitch black. Nobody could see anything. A few thuds echoed throughout the room of alarmed characters before a glimmering spotlight shone on the ceiling. A massive section of the starry-painted ceiling split in two, moving apart and creating an opening. From the space above, a figure soon appeared...