I really do not have anything against the number 13.
My chapter 13s keep on getting sad and angsty :(
Knock knock,
"Yes?"
"Dr Mei, you called?" Xie Lian opened the door a tad bit and poked his head in. The office was neat and properly kept - with ceiling high shelves full of books on various subjects, an elaborate coffee machine and a large desk against one of the walls. The room was lamp lit but not dark, and a proud sofa set occupied most of the centre of the room.
"Ah, yes come in." Mei Nianqing gestured at a seat and continued with the pack of cards he was playing. "Just a second."
Xie Lian entered quietly and sat down at the seat at the desk opposite to his attending. He waited patiently while the senior doctor tried to wrap up the solo game of Emperor as fast as he could.
"I have read your report." Dr Mei said at last, pushing away the neatly arranged deck of cards before he could himself indulge into another game.
Xie Lian nodded.
"So, what do you think is the next step?" Mei Nianqing looked up at him.
Xie Lian sucked up a deep breath and said, "I had a few more sessions in mind. To slowly give some signs before ending the sessions all together, and see if my patient can take it well."
"On what grounds?" The tone of his voice was on the edge.
"Gut feelings, sir." Xie Lian confessed.
"Gut doesn't do the thinking Dr Xie, the brain does." Mei Nianqing said sharply. Xie Lian stiffened and twisted the red ring on his finger, an involuntary action now, whenever he is a bit nervous.
"I think he is good." He murmured.
"Xie Lian, look." Mei Nianqing sighed. "I have known you since you were a USG image. I have seen you grow up. And, I am very much aware of the rough situation you had gone through during your graduation. So I can say that I understand what you are going through right now. You are scared that your patient, Hua Cheng might do something reckless after you break the news to him all of a sudden."
Xie Lian remained still. He believed Hua Cheng would not do anything like that, but he did not want to argue with his mentor.
"Yes, he might be that type, you know him better than I do, but Dr Xie, we psychiatrists, are a bandage. Once the injury has healed, it is our job to loosen and let the patient fend for themselves now. A bandage should not be worn over no injury. That would lead to other complications."
Xie Lian kept quiet because he fully agreed with Mei Nianqing regarding this.
"So, as a good doctor, you should let go of your own insecurities and think for the patient's welfare. Coddling one patient just because he gives you a chance to mend your previous mistakes will be another disastrous mistake. And the world around him will not be so considerate as to warn him before a storm strikes."
Xie Lian swallowed the lump in his throat and said, "Alright, sir. I will need some time-"
"I will explain it to him. In the end, you are my resident. This is the least I can do." Mei Nianqing offered.
Xie Lian considered and spoke only when he felt his voice wouldn't tremble.
"Was that everything, sir?" he asked in a low voice.
"No. I also took the liberty to send this report, and a few other cases you have worked on alone to the International Psychiatry Society in Tai Cang. They were intrigued by the processes you use - unique and challenging are the words they put in the reply email."
Xie Lian's eyes widened. The society was made of reputed psychiatrists all around the globe. A prestigious recognition, something which could push him a great deal up his career.
"Is that so, sir?"
"Yes, they have invited you to join their Annual Conference. Accommodation will be provided to you throughout this two month conference."
"When is it?"
"Starts from this weekend."
It was Wednesday.
"I guess I should start packing. I need to prepare myself as well. What exactly do I need to do there?"
"About that, you need to narrate your cases, using fictitious names, given the patient's privacy. They want to know your thought-process when you were planning the course of the therapy. They might also give you situations to see how you would approach it."
"Why do I feel you are doing this to make me disappear from Hua Cheng's life...?" The thought nagged at Xie Lian as soon as he heard of the conference, and he laughed a bit.
Dr Mei leaned back on his seat and scanned Xie Lian's face and expression.
'So I was right.'
"You are simply overthinking. Those people do not invite you and provide free accommodation and provision just because some other psychiatrist asked them to do so. Xie Lian, why do you feel that way?"
"I do not know." Xie Lian said, embarrassed how he almost lost his calm. "But, is that not cruel? Suddenly disappearing when my patient will need me the most.?"
"Back when you were a child, did you not learn how to cycle without training wheels because I suddenly stopped holding from behind?"
"And I rolled down an entire slope screaming." Xie Lian's jaws clenched.
That was a terrible memory to remember. The nine year old Xie Lian screaming and trying hard to balance his cycle and Mei Nianqing yelling behind him, "I am right behind you!" when he was actually at the top of the hill.
"You did not fall off! You learned to balance out of instinct! You learned because you had to." Dr Mei jumped on his seat and clicked his fingers.
"I broke my incisor when I bumped into that tree trunk." Xie Lian protested.
"You chipped your baby incisor. And look, you have the perfect set of teeth in this whole city, now." Dr Mei reasoned.
"This and that don't compare." Xie Lian snapped. When he realised how he behaved inappropriately, he hung his head low, ashamed. He was always snappy whenever somebody tried to talk him out of Hua Cheng.
"True. But he will grow dependent on these fun sessions. It will serve as an obsession to him, something he cannot live without. You know that very well, Dr Xie. And if that is what you want, your patient attending sessions like people chain smoke, then I won't say anything anymore."
"I have agreed to let the sessions go. But do I need to... like... disappear?" he whispered, his voice heavy.
"Yes, because, according to your report, I have a feeling he looks forward to your presence. So, even if he is told his therapist has changed, he would be distraught. It is quite common for a patient to love their therapists because they come in during their dark hours - the time they need help. And then if anybody, not only a therapist, helps them, they first feel gratitude and then they feel the connection, which is conditional. That is only because of the help they receive and it is not long lasting. It is not meant to last long either. But they do not see that. And it is our job to draw the line, and to make them realise. Xie Lian, tell me, what does a psychiatrist do when a patient becomes unhealthily attached?"
Xie Lian's chin remained low. He knew the answer very well.
"Or let me reframe, what does a psychiatrist do when he is unhealthily attached?"
Xie Lian bit his cheeks. Now that he had been caught, he had nothing more to say.
"I do not mean to imply that it is your fault. It isn't. Even I was attached to my first patient. I had stretched on with the sessions, thinking if I am there for her, she would be safe. But when she commited suicide, it was me, who received a terrible blow. We had just missed two sessions because I was on a sick leave. This was how dependent she had grown. Your Hua Cheng hasn't reached that dangerous level yet. You still have time. He can live on his own."
Xie Lian closed his eyes and nodded vigorously.
'For San Lang,' he told himself.
"Alright, chin up. Just be yourself. Be confident and polite to everybody in the conference. You are going there to share and learn. You mustn't let this opportunity go."
"Yes Dr Mei." Xie Lian got up. The student and mentor shook hands and Xie Lian left.
The weather was weird that Friday late afternoon. There were thick black clouds at the corner of the horizon but the sun was harsh as well. The scorching rays were visibly bright and yellow, and the heat was unbearable.
E-Ming was sleeping like a log on the living room cupboard, right in front of the air con slits. With his fur sticking out in all directions and his blissful face, he looked like he had just ascended. So, Hua Cheng left the apartment after scratching his overhanging paws. He did not bother wearing his eye patch anymore. He has stopped wearing it for a long time now.
Yin Yu was stretched out on the sofa like a cat himself, playing a video game on mute. He just raised his hand to acknowledge Hua Cheng's departure.
The trip to the hospital was uneventful, but Hua Cheng was a bit worried. He had forgotten his umbrella and it might pour in a while.
He did not think too much when Xie Lian was not waiting for him at the reception of the easten wing as he usually did. He also could not see Shi Qingxuan anywhere.
"Umm, Excuse me. I have a session with Dr Xie." He said to the receptionist.
"Dr Xie?" The receptionist looked up.
"Yes?" Hua Cheng frowned.
"But he-" the receptionist was interrupted by an authoritative voice.
"Mr Hua. I am glad to finally see you. I am Dr Mei."
Hua Cheng whipped around to see a man probably in his late thirties, a coat over his shirt and trousers. The doctor looked calm and wise.
"Yes, doctor?"
"Ah, I am Dr Xie's attending. So, I came here on his behalf."
"Where is Ge- Dr Xie?"
"I think we should sit down and talk." Dr Mei gestured but Hua Cheng remained rooted.
'He is stubborn.' Dr Mei sighed to himself.
"Alright. So, I have read your progress report and both I and Dr Xie have come to the conclusion that you have healed and are no longer in need of therapy." He said in a very neutral tone.
"What?" Hua Cheng breathed.
"..."
"No." Hua Cheng's voice was vulnerable as he gaped at the doctor in front of him.
"Young man, why do I feel you are distressed by the news that you are good now?"
"Why isn't Dr Xie the one telling me so?" Hua Cheng frowned.
"He is not available at the moment. It is also better for you not to meet Dr Xie."
"That is totally my decision to make." Hua Cheng replied calmly.
"Hua Cheng," Dr Mei sighed, 'Young men these days',
"It is a part of your treatment. And it is necessary. Just like exercises that you need to do after a cast has been cut, as rehabilitation." He tried to explain. "Dr Xie will not be with you through every difficult time in your life. You also need to learn to fix your troubles yourself. You are a grown man, and Dr Xie is your doctor, not a friend in need."
Hua Cheng was seething with anger but he did not let that show.
He was hurt.
Awfully hurt.
It felt like the sky was collapsing on him.
"And what if I really need help?" He asked.
"Here." Mei Nianqing handed over his card, "if you still need it, then it is out of Dr Xie's expertise, his residency has just begun eleven months ago. I can fill up that gap."
Hua Cheng pursed his lips as he refused to take the card. Dr Mei pushed the card back into his pocket. He nodded and raised his hand to pat Hua Cheng's shoulder but Hua Cheng stepped back, out of his reach.
'Dr Xie was worried about you. Prove him wrong.' The senior doctor wanted to say, but Hua Cheng's face was so chillingly frightening that he swallowed down the sentence.
"Good day Mr Hua." He said at last and stepped away.
Hua Cheng stood there like a ghost for a while. A part of him wanted to throw a tantrum, but he did not want Xie Lian to face the consequences, so he stormed out.
And there was a cloudburst right then. Hua Cheng sighed, defeated, and sat down on an empty embankment around a thick pillar. The rain was warm, and it was uncomfortably hot and humid even though it was pouring. He would have to wait till the rain passes.
Honestly, he had seen this coming. Recently, Xie Lian's smile had a note of bitterness which grew progressively at the end of each passing session. Also, on that match day, he saw how Xie Lian had stopped smiling altogether when he thought Hua Cheng was not looking.
No, there was more. Hua Cheng had learned how to effectively manage his anger bursts, to keep insecurities away from day to day decisions that he has to make. He does get mad sometimes, but he doesn't feel like hurting himself or the person making him feel that way. Those ideas have stopped coming up for a really long time. His (begrudgingly admitted) friends did not have to hide sharp objects from him in the kitchen drawer anymore, and he still talks to his mother every alternate day.
But yes, he really felt like sticking with Xie Lian more. To see Xie Lian smile more, laugh more, have fun with him, be carefree and silly, worry about him (he made him try the dishes he prepared and rushed to the ED when Hua Cheng's face looked a bit pale)...
Everything Xie Lian did for him...
Everything they did together felt so natural, so innate, that now when those were snatched away from him, it left him feeling homeless.
Groundless.
Aimless.
No, if you think that, Gege will be mad...
Useless.
If it was Xie Lian telling him so, it would have hurt more, yes, but he could have come to terms with it easier. At least he could have gathered the courage to ask him out to dinner. Not as his patient, but as a person to their love interest. Being denied to see him, to talk to him, as someone other than his patient felt cruel.
'Damn,' he thought, 'I wish I had a bit more time.'
Hua Cheng tutted when his vision blurred. He sucked his lips in to prevent them from swelling. When that failed, he rubbed his face hard. A few people slowed down around him, probably thinking him to be someone's family grieving over distressing news.
With no warning whatsoever, there was a wet soggy 'splat' right next to him. Hua Cheng lazily turned his head and saw a folded red umbrella lying next to him. There was no one sitting there and by the sound of it, someone must have thrown it towards him. Hua Cheng shifted and looked back right in time to see a blur of blue and white and the automatic glass doors close shut.
Hua Cheng turned back, and looked down at the object. It was bright red with golden embroidery. It looked almost new. If not, then it was used with utmost care.
Hua Cheng waited a bit for someone to pick it up. When no one did, he stood and grabbed the red umbrella in a tight grip.
With a lump in his throat, Hua Cheng pushed it open and swung it gently over his head. The interior was pitch black. He twirled it around to see, over one edge, large white stitched letters say,
"Don't just exist, San Lang, Live."
***
"Oi."
No answer.
"If you don't come out, I will give away your steak to He Xuan." Yin Yu threatened through the keyhole.
No answer.
"Did he really do us a favour and killed himself?" He Xuan asked, amused. "Just because his gege rejected him?"
"Stop rubbing salt on his wounds." Yin Yu said, pushing He Xuan's head away.
"That's the most fun." He Xuan fidgetted with his phone.
"Hua Cheng, at least let E-Ming in. He is worried."
"Meeooow" E-Ming howled by the door, rubbing and scratching.
After a minute the door cracked open a bit and E-Ming rushed in. Yin Yu acted up in a flash and put his foot in between just when the door was about to close. He tried to push it open, his front pressed against it, using every bit of his strength. He Xuan did not help, but kept typing.
"Yin Yu." There was a croaky growl.
"What's wrong?" Yin Yu insisted.
"Nothing." Hua Cheng insisted as well.
"You sound like a FUCKING FROG." Yin Yu pointed out, shouting, as Hua Cheng was overpowering him. "AAAAAAHHHH HE XUAN KEEP THAT MOBILE AWAY AND HELP ME"
"I can sound like a FROG, A CAT, A DOG, OR A FUCKED UP HUMAN." Hua Cheng shouted back.
The door creaked in protest and the main gate door bell rang.
"I am helping." He Xuan said, gleefully.
He skipped over to the door and opened.
"JUST FUCK OFF, YIN YU" Hua Cheng threatened, grunting.
"I WON'T FUCK OFF!!!" Yin Yu yelled back, pushing harder.
There were sharp footsteps behind in the hall but the two did not notice it till a chilly cocky voice spoke up,
"Language, boys."
Hearing the voice, both of them slipped. The door banged inward making Yin Yu lose his footing and he fell face first into the dimly lit room, hands stretched in front of him. Hua Cheng fell back onto his back so hard that he rolled over and collided with the wall in the space between the adjacent wall and cupboard, getting stuck, with his torso on the floor, hips up the wall and legs dangling overhead. A few of his loose paintings and books fell off and landed onto his face.
"Really, San Lang? Fighting with Yin Yu? Get dressed. We are going out." Hua Janelle, walked into the room and switched on the tube light.
"No." Hua Cheng groaned, squinting his eyes and tried to pull himself out of the space. He Xuan remained safely behind the CEO.
"Is that the tone I hear?" Hua Janelle asked.
Hua Cheng gulped.
Hua Janelle was one person who had the ability of dragging Hua Cheng out. He sheepishly threw a shirt over his shoulders, strapped up E-Ming's harness and followed his mother out of their apartment without too much of a fight, and into her car. Janelle had come in alone, as there were no drivers or Clair inside. 'She must have shaken her off for the while.' Hua Cheng thought as he quietly sat in the passenger seat with E-Ming on his lap as she drove towards western highway and soon they were in a meadow-like park. The sun was still bright though it was hanging low over the distant mountains. And the park was full of children, playing in tiny circles of friends.
Janelle unlatched the trunk and got out of the car. Hua Cheng followed suit.
"Sit still like a good boy. I will be back soon." She said, tapping the insides of the trunk.
"Whatever." Hua Cheng sighed and sat there. He has never sat in a car trunk like one sits on a park bench. He pulled off his ketos and dangled his legs over the ledge to gently nudge at a wild bush of pale yellow and white flowers with his toes.
Nameless wild white flowers are Xie Lian's favourite, Hua Cheng remembered.
E-Ming walked around, pouncing and rolling over the slightly longer grass. He unsuccessfully tried to hunt the pigeons pecking around here and there, but coated himself in dirt and dust quite well.
Hua Cheng's eyes lost focus as he stared like a dead man into the patches of green grass and small shrubs, mind numb.
"Why did you bring me here?" Hua Cheng asked, throwing a look of accusation at Hua Janelle. His mother was back with three plastic cups of roughly shaved ice. She handed over the cup of red syrup to Hua Cheng, kept the multicoloured one with herself and put down the unflavoured, just shaved ice cup on the ground in front of E-Ming. The caracal crept closer and sniffed at it curiously. When he realised it was safe, he licked on the ice.
Hua Cheng took a spoonful as well. His was rose syrup.
"San Lang, you don't remember?" She asked back, her naturally arched brows slightly furrowed.
"I - uhh" He looked around again. Meadows like this were pretty common around the suburbs around his parent's house. But now that his mother pointed out, this place did feel a bit similar.
"Sometimes when you used to be an absolute brat of two years old, and cry and wail all evening long during my study time, I used to bring you here. And buy you a rose popsicle-"
"Ice lolly."
"Popsicle."
"Ice lolly."
"Popsicle."
"Argh, whatever."
"And you used to be all calm and pliant. And you never failed to make a mess of your clothes. 'But they want some too,' you used to say. I studied here, in the trunk with the hood open till the daylight allowed while you used to stare at me or play by yourself and then we would drive back home by dinnertime."
"And dad made no fuss?" Hua Cheng asked, amused.
Was he like that?
All kids are like that.
"He did. He fussed that we should have carried warmer clothes as meadows can get windy in the evenings. Or that we might catch a chill by having so many popsicles one day."
"Typical of him to fuss over everything. I bet he felt jealous that I got to have more ice lollies than him. I can't believe he cared the slightest." Hua Cheng nodded nonchalantly.
"He did." Janelle slapped his shoulder playfully.
"Sure." Hua Cheng shrugged extravagantly.
Both of them giggled.
A comfortable silence settled between them, only interrupted by laughs and shouts of children playing far away.
"So, Dr Xie, huh?" Janelle asked, in a knowing voice.
"This is why you brought me here." Hua Cheng huffed, stabbing the ice with the spoon.
"I just wanted to talk." Janelle shrugged.
"I don't wanna talk about that." Hua Cheng declared stubbornly.
Janelle exhaled heavily through her nose. "San Lang, whatever Dr Xie decided, it must have been for a reason."
"Yet it was not him who told me that my sessions were done." Hua Cheng said, and stuffed himself with more ice.
"Ah, I see. You are sad because you are done with your sessions." Janelle smiled and patted his back.
"I wish... actually I do not know what I was hoping for." Hua Cheng confessed.
"Let me guess, ummm" Janelle pretended to think for a while, "You had hoped your gege would ask you out on a date after he tells you about the sessions."
Tip of the boy's ears turned pink when he heard the tease in his mother's voice. Hua Cheng gobbled down more ice, pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in. Janelle chuckled lightly, having more of her multi flavoured shaved ice. E-Ming was pawing at his cup now, intrigued by how a solid thing produced water on his tongue.
"Stop, mom." He groaned and pouted away from her.
"Alright, alright." She tried to stop by eating half of her ice.
"You like Dr Xie a lot, don't you?" She asked after a while.
"Love him." Hua Cheng murmured through his pout.
"So, you like it when Dr Xie is happy?"
"I love it."
"And if he sees you like this, all sulky and sad, do you think he will be very happy?"
"Nuh-uh" Hua Cheng shook his head after he considered the question carefully, thinking about the umbrella.
"Can't hear you." Janelle raised her voice a bit to initiate a louder response.
"He won't be." Hua Cheng chewed on the rest of his ice.
"Then, be that someone who makes him happy and proud."
"And how am I to do that when I can't even meet him?" He asked, as he started feeling listless again. He slowly finished his shaved ice and kept the cup aside.
"By being the way you were meant to be. By utilising the remedies Dr Xie has taught you to be happy and content by yourself. By living your life. So, when Dr Xie sees you again, he won't regret his ways of treatment."
"Hah... Mamma, you sure talk like you know we will meet." Hua Cheng smiled bitterly, twisting the red ring on his finger.
"Oh, you are bound to." Janelle said tilting her chin up to look up at the clouds. Hua Cheng turned to look at her, taken back by how confident she sounded as she spoke so sincerely "That is one of the few beauties of this cruel world, San Lang. If we want it hard enough, when we try hard enough, the chance opens up for you. But you have to be prepared and courageous to grasp that chance before it slips away leaving nothing behind."
She looked down, into the two beautiful eyes of her boy, one obsidian black another flaming red. Right now, she was proud of him. Proud of how Hua Cheng has paved his own path in his life, how he has accepted his rarity and how he has learned to love someone and most importantly, himself.
"And you must never let that chance get away." She smiled at her son.
***
"I did not know you and Yin Yu had such filthy mouths."
"WE ARE 22 YEARS OLD! AND HE XUAN IS FILTHIER!"
"Meeeoooowrrrl"
I was missing her so ... Janelle 🥳
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