Warning: swearing, mention of death
**********
The evacuation had been a success and everyone had made it safely to an old nearby hospital to hide out the impending horde wave that was expected to be led by Beta. Aaron and Alden had volunteered to remain behind at Alexandria in order to keep a close watch on Beta's moves, keeping the rest informed about his movements, as well as to ensure that the decoy plan to lead him towards Oceanside instead was played successfully through.
You had just gotten off of watch duty and had been staring with amusement at Kelly attempting to teach Gabriel how to sign when you noticed Negan walking by holding a dead possum, you watched as he paused to silently stare at Lydia while she was busy sorting through some berries.
The look on his face told you everything you already so clearly knew; although he did the right thing, Negan felt a huge amount of guilt over having had killed her mother. Although Lydia gave the pretence that she couldn't care less and that it had needed to be done, Alpha had still been her mother after all. Therefore you had told Negan to give Lydia some space and that when the time was right, the two of them should sit down and discuss it.
"What you making?" you ask walking up to Negan whom was busy stirring at the pot of food in front of him.
"Beef stroganoff..." he smirks at you in response.
"Sounds nice, but I think there might have fallen a possum or two in there by accident..." you chuckle.
"Saw me carrying the critter in, did ya?" Negan chuckles along with you.
"It was hard not to miss it..." you reply.
"Thought everyone would be getting hungry by now, so I decided to make myself useful" Negan remarks with a shrug.
"Good idea..." you agree with a head nod, grabbing the spoon to taste it, "because I know I am."
"How does it taste?" Negan stares at you for approval.
"For something that reminds me of a rat, it surprisingly delicious..." you answer causing Negan to snicker at you.
It was during this time the two of you notice Judith speaking to Lydia from across the hall. Seeing the torn look on Negan's face as he watched, you grab hold of his hand. "Maybe you should talk to her."
"I'm the last person she would want to talk with right now" Negan responds looking deflated.
"She won't admit it, but her mother's death has affected her" you tell him, "she needs someone to talk to about it."
"Then you should go talk to her..." Negan replies, "not the person that killed her mother."
"You both need to talk it out" you push him, "this way she can let out her grief and anger, and you can relieve the guilt you feel towards her."
"How do I even approach her?" Negan exhales heavily.
"Take her some Rat Stew..." you suggest.
"A possum is not a rat..." Negan looks at you offended.
"Well, it looks like one..." you chuckle, "a big-ass one."
Negan shakes his head at you with a sigh of disappointment, scooping some stew into a bowl. "Will you come with..." Negan looks to you with pleading eyes, "just stand nearby. Please."
Agreeing to Negan's plea, you follow behind him and stood silently in the doorway as he approached Lydia in the room she was alone in with Daryl's dog.
"Hey..." Negan walks up to Lydia, "I don't think you've eaten anything today" he remarks nervously waving the bowl in his hands.
"I'm good..." she responds, stroking Dog's fur in attempt to an avoid eye contact.
Negan lets out a tense breath, "you know, I can't tell if it's just one of those things or the craziness of us all moving to the abandoned Tower, or if you're just avoiding me..."
"I'm avoiding you..." Lydia replies.
Shutting his eyes, Negan nods in responds, "well, shit... that's honest."
Lydia's gaze finally shoots to him, "you want me to lie?" she looks at him void of emotion. "Make you feel better..."
"No. I don't..." Negan shakes his head in responds.
"Ok..." Lydia suddenly changes the topic . "You can give someone else the Rat Stew..."
"It's not rat..." Negan stammers staring at it, "it's possum..." Recalling that you had referred to it as the same thing, he sighs out in defeat, "I mean, it's basically a big rat. But, I... uh... I just wanted to say that, I liked her..."
Lydia looked up at Negan then as he continued on. "Your Mom, she did some horrible shit, there's no excusing any of it. But I liked... I liked a lot of things about her and I wish to God that I didn't have to do what I did, but if there is something you want to say to me; then you should say it..."
Lydia stares him blankly in the face then, "most of us wish you had died too."
You watched a shattered looking Negan stare silently at the wall in front of him as Lydia leaves the room, walking pass you without saying a single word. "What do you mean; you liked her?" you step in front of him, brows furrowed.
"I... uh..." Negan stutters, staring down at the bowl then.
"Mary told me that you and Alpha were close when you were a part of their group" you remark looking at him with suspicion, "Negan, exactly how close were the two of you?"
"Mary...?" Negan looks up at you in confusion.
"Gamma..." you respond, pressing him yet again "how close exactly, Negan?"
"Oh, her..." he replies with a nervous nod.
"Answer my question, Negan..." you stare at him with narrowed gaze. "Did something happen between Alpha and you?"
"We... uh..." Negan nervously stammers, fidgeting with the bowl in his hands.
"You what, Negan?!" you look at him wide-eyed as your mind began racing at the thought of where this conversation might be heading.
"W-We... we kissed..." Negan finally sighs out in defeat.
"What...?" your voice croaked out in hurt surprise.
Negan looks up at you, guilt written all over his face. "I had to get her to like me... in order to get close enough to her. We kissed..."
Staring at him with a blank look, you nod. "Was that all?"
Negan silently watches your reactions for a few seconds. "That was all... nothing else happened."
"Ok" you respond with a nod; your mind still trying to wrap around all the information. Not knowing what else to say, you take a step around him to leave.
"You ok?" Negan grabs holds of your arm to stop you.
"Yeah..." you respond looking to the ground to avoid eye contact. "I'm going to see if Gabriel has heard any news from Aaron."
Realizing that you weren't really being truthful, Negan reluctantly releases your arm with a heavy sigh and watched as you silently walked away without even having once looked back at his direction.
Negan knew then that telling you the truth of what really happened between Alpha and himself was completely off the cards. If hearing that they kissed had hurt you this bad, then revealing that they had actually slept together would utterly destroy you. For the sake of your heart and the relationship the two of you had, Negan makes the decision to keep the truth to himself then rather than tell you.
*****
You were standing at one of the lookout points in an attempt to clear your mind from the conversation you had with Negan, when you noticed something suspiciously looking off from a distance slowly approaching the tower. As it neared, panic soon kicked in when the objects were confirmed to be the horde that was supposed to have been on their heading to Oceanside. Realizing what was happening you quickly radioed Gabriel as you rushed back inside to prepare for was to come.
Everyone was soon scrambling to their posts in order to secure the tower from infiltration; people were running around to gather more weapons, securing all exits and covering the windows. You were stationed at one of the exits, when Daryl, Judith, Carol and Kelly rushed in through it just in the nick of time before the horde had reached the doors.
"Oh, thank God you guys made it..." you sigh out in relief, crouching down in front of Judith then, "you ok, Kiddo?"
"I'm fine Aunt Y/N..." Judith assures you with a faint smile.
"Good..." you smile back at her, "I want you to go find your brother and the others, ok. They'll need you and the help of your sword to help protect them."
"Sure thing Aunt Y/N" she responds with a prideful smile and heads off to find them.
"We need to secure the exits with traps in case they find a way to make it through" you inform Daryl them, Carol and he then volunteer to do it and you head back to Gabriel to devise a further plan.
You were leaning against the wall, silently listening while Gabriel went over the plan with everyone on what to do to get the horde away and everyone to safety.
"Our plan is the same..." Gabriel begins explaining, "we lead the horde away. Just not from Oceanside as we had planned. Once the Walkers are cleared, we evacuate to rendezvous point B. Luke..." Gabriel then looks to him, "you ready?"
Luke then goes forward to explain the plan of using the sound system he had been working on to lead the horde away, but that it needed to be set up onto the wagon in order to make the plan a success. Magna points out that the wagon was currently sitting on the other side of the horde, Gabriel goes on to lay out the rest of the plan then. There would be four groups going out, two in each; one carrying the cargo and the other protecting it.
"We can make it through..." Lydia then speaks up, "I'll help."
You then notice the reaction of two of Oceanside's people at her offer, one of them then speaks up; offering to help but only if Lydia isn't part of it. "That's fine..." Gabriel remarks in response, "as it happens, Lydia's role is in here."
Pissed at their remark, you then step forward. "I'll go in her place then" and that's when you see the look of shocked fear crossing Negan's face as he stared at you.
As Negan was about to open his mouth in protest, you shoot him a warning glare and just as you thought it was a done deal, Daryl then speaks up. "Look, we're not all going to make it through. But this is the only way."
"Then it's settled" you comment, "I'm going too."
"No, you're not" Daryl responds, "this is too dangerous of a mission for you to go out there." You open your mouth to speak up and Daryl cuts you off again. "You could blackout again while out there" he points out. "We can't run the risk of loosing you, you're needed here to keep an eye on the strategic side of things."
"He's right" Gabriel comments, "I need you close by for those reasons."
"Fine then..." you grumble out in annoyance at the same moment that you find yourself having to grab hold of your left of when feeling a heart spasm hit.
Everyone then nods in agreement to the plan and leaves to see to their rolls. Just as you were about to exit the room, Negan grabs hold of your shoulder to halt you in your tracks. "Daryl was right about his decision."
"What?" you turn around to glare at him.
"You shouldn't be out there" Negan replies, pointing towards the grip you had on your arm. "They might not have noticed but I did. It's happening again, isn't it?"
"I don't have time for this Negan" you pull away from him dismissively.
Grabbing hold of your face, Negan forces you to look at him. "Just promise me that you won't do something stupid."
"Don't worry" you sneer out at him, "I'll be right here... playing cheerleader, while everyone else is out there risking their lives."
"Y/N..." Negan stares deep into your eyes, "please promise me."
"I don't have to promise you anything" you withdraw yourself from his grip, "Why don't you go and be useful. Go out and kiss Beta, that'll distract him long enough for the others to get through."
Breathing out a defeated sigh, Negan watches as you storm out of the room leaving him with his own inner turmoil at what to do with the entire situation going on between the two of you.