The patrol last night had left a German prisoner on the banks. His groaning and cries of pain were guttural and raw. If everyone wasn't angry at her, Charlie might have tried to get to him to see if there was anything she could do for his wounds, or else simply give him enough morphine to make him comfortable before he died. As it was, she knew she would be pushing her luck much too far to even try.
Turning a corner to head away from the riverbank where the German man was slowly dying, Charlie kept her head ducked and her hands in her pockets. She tried to concentrate on how to go about apologising for her actions last night, since she'd been so unsuccessful earlier, both with Henry and with Floyd, but she kept drawing blanks. She'd been stupid, she knew that much, but she couldn't understand why everyone seemed to be so furious with her for it. She'd expected annoyance and frustration, for not telling anyone more than for running away, but the complete animosity she'd come up against so far with everyone except Don had caught her off guard. Floyd had even shouted at her. Floyd had never shouted at her in his life, not even when she'd shouted at him. How could it be that she'd messed up that badly and didn't even know why?
Still, she would have to apologise like she did know why, pretend she fully grasped the weight of her actions and thus would never do it again.
But really. He'd shouted at her. He'd sworn at her. Had what she'd done really been that bad?
Charlie entered the field hospital to find Henry, Autumn, and Boo all gathered in the main room. The two surgeons were absent, as they tended to be when it wasn't absolutely necessary that they hang around.
Henry wore a blank stare as she turned to face Charlie.
"Before I grovel," Charlie began, "I thought you'd want to know that there's another patrol going out tonight. It's the same roster except Lieb's in for Jackson" - Autumn let out a hiss of air - "and there's a briefing in the CP at 1700 hours. That's all I know."
"How'd you find out?" Henry wondered, not sceptical, just curious.
"I was with Don when Winters told him to tell Second Platoon."
Henry dug the heels of her palms into her eyes. "Why they're sending out another patrol is beyond me. As far as I'm aware the prisoners from last night haven't even spoken."
Charlie chewed on her lip and looked away. There really was no logical explanation for it.
"That's all the news you have?" Henry asked, finally lowering her hands.
"Yeah."
"Then grovel."
Charlie barked a laugh, surprised, before slapping a hand over her mouth to cover it.
Henry was dead serious.
"Sorry," Charlie apologised for her laughter. "I don't think it's funny."
"No, neither do I," said Henry evenly.
Behind her, Autumn and Boo were studiously looking away, both pretending to be incredibly interested in the walls beside them.
"Okay," Charlie said, breathing in deeply to prepare herself for what she hoped would be an apology that met Henry's standards. "I'm very sorry for running away last night like I did. I understand now that it was reckless and dangerous and goes against a lot of military rules, and I can promise you I won't do it again. My only explanation for it is that I wasn't thinking straight. Some of the men were talking about how they thought I hadn't done enough for Jackson and I was blaming myself and I felt like I couldn't stay in the basement for a second longer. I didn't know where I was going, which is why I didn't tell anyone, but I also understand that that, too, was incredibly stupid of me. So, I won't do it again. And I'm sorry."
Henry considered these words, her face motionless and unreadable.
Charlie fiddled with her hands, then realised she was doing it and tucked them behind her back. A moment later, however, she started to fiddle with them behind her back as well, though she didn't notice herself doing it.
"If it makes you feel any better," Charlie added after a while of excruciating silence, "Floyd is angry with me, too."
"That does make me feel better," Henry conceded. "What did he say to you?"
"He shouted at me." Even just the memory made Charlie flinch. "He's still not happy with me. I don't think he'll want to talk to me for the rest of the day."
"Wow," Autumn said, giving herself away for eavesdropping, "it really must be serious, then."
Charlie couldn't tell whether she was joking or not, as tended to be Autumn's way, but Henry didn't acknowledge the interruption when she next spoke. "You're not waiting in the OP for the patrol to come back again tonight." Charlie knew an order when she heard one, so regardless of how the thought of lying in bed unable to help made her want to scream, she kept her mouth sealed shut. "You can go to bed at 2200 and stay there until 0600 tomorrow morning."
"Okay," Charlie agreed, willing to do whatever it took to get back into Henry's good graces.
"If you pull a stunt like that again, I'll seriously consider pulling you off the line."
The thought made Charlie's stomach clench up in coils of heavy dread. "Okay," she said, pushing the feeling away. She wouldn't be doing it again, so she didn't have to worry.
"You know, Charlie, you're doing a terrible job of pretending you've got your shit together," Henry said next. She stared at Charlie long and hard, her eyebrows low over stormy eyes, before she finally let a tiny smile curl at the edges of her lips.
Charlie breathed an audible sigh of relief. "I know," she admitted. "Do you accept my apology?"
"Yes," Henry decided. "But you owe one to Autumn and Boo, as well."
"Of course."
"Just give Talbert some time. I'm sure he'll come around once he calms down a little. He's probably still got himself tied up in knots so he's taking it out on you." She shook her head with a quiet smile. "You should've seen him last night. He was terrified."
"Really?" Charlie wasn't sure whether to feel even guiltier about this or relieved that the reason he was so angry was probably just the aftereffects of his fear. But she hated to have worried him so much. If it had been him who had gone missing she knew she would have broken down.
She resolved to apologise again, better this time, and not just because she wanted to get off the hook. She really was sorry that she'd done that to him; at the time she hadn't been thinking, but even when she'd first gone to find him she hadn't realised quite how much he must have worried.
"Yeah," Henry replied. Then she sighed. "Guess I should go and speak to Winters about the patrol tonight. See what's going on." She looked Charlie up and down and rolled her eyes, but it was jovial instead of dismissive. "I'll see if I can find you some fresh ODs, too, since it looks like you spent the night rolling around in mud."
"Thank you," Charlie told her quietly.
Henry gave her a nod and left the field hospital, leaving Charlie to face Autumn and Boo by herself.
It didn't take much to gain Autumn and Boo's forgiveness - really, they said they'd only been worried, not angry, which was finally a reaction Charlie could understand. A moment after they told her they both accepted her apology they were chatting about mindless things as though there had never been anything to apologise for, all of them deliberately steering clear of discussing the patrol.
"Hey, you know one good thing I've realised since being in Haguenau?" Boo was saying.
"What?" Autumn asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow.
"I'm not pregnant!" Boo cheered. She turned to the side to show them the flat of her stomach where there was a clear absence of a baby bump. "Remember back in Mourmelon when I mentioned that I'd lost my period and Mabs was all, 'Keep an eye on it because you might still be pregnant'? Well, I would have been four months back then, so not showing all that much would make sense, but now I'd be six months in and I'm pretty sure I would've started to show. So, still no period, but at least there's no pregnancy, either."
Charlie couldn't help but laugh a little bit, because she'd forgotten all about that. "Congratulations!" she said, since that seemed the thing to say, and Boo grinned at her.
"Seems like I'm sticking around," Boo declared with a shrug. "George is happy about that, at least."
"He wasn't happy that you're not pregnant?"
Boo smiled. "He said he kind of liked the idea of being a daddy. But he agrees it doesn't make sense for us to get pregnant now."
Charlie couldn't even fathom having the 'should we have kids' conversation with a romantic partner. She hadn't even gotten past kissing yet - and not even with tongue! Which she had only found out was a thing when Mabs had asked her whether she was kissing James with tongue or not, as was true Mabs fashion, and she'd had to say no.
"You're sticking around for as long as I say you're sticking around," Autumn said, nudging Boo with her elbow but smiling a little. "George can wait to be a father until you're both back home and safe."
"Very true," Charlie agreed.
Boo nodded. "Yeah. I, personally, can't say I'm disappointed, but I'm surprised by how ready I feel to be a mom. The thought of it isn't terrifying anymore. It's actually exciting."
Charlie smiled. "That's great, Boo." She reached out to touch her elbow. "You must really be in love."
Boo went all bashful, ducking her head and twirling her hair around her finger and stumbling over her words, and Charlie shared an amused look with Autumn. Boo didn't need to answer for them to know that she was in love - indeed, Charlie was reasonably sure they'd all known she was in love when Boo and George had first met - but it was sweet to watch her try to admit it all the same.
And though Charlie was envious, there really was no pang of bitterness in her heart as she watched Boo hem and haw. No one deserved it more, to be loved so unconditionally. Charlie could hardly believe she'd ever worried about putting George with her.
Henry returned with no more information about the patrol than Charlie had given her before, so the plan was that she would be in OP-1 with Autumn and Boo the same as last night, waiting for the patrol to return. Even though things hadn't worked out last night, because Jackson had been wounded so badly and they hadn't had blood on hand for an emergency transfusion and because the surgeons had been unwilling to operate in the OP basement, there was nothing much to be done to rectify any of it. So, much like the patrol, their plan for the second patrol was the same as the previous night save for a member of the team, though in the patrol's case they had replaced their missing soldier while Charlie would just be in bed. How nice it was to not be a soldier. Even as she moped and lamented her experience of the war, Charlie always knew she had that to hold onto; regardless of how bad things got, at least she wasn't a soldier.
It was after the patrol briefing at 1700 hours that Liebgott paid them a visit, while Henry was off speaking to Don.
"Guess what," he said as he leaned in the doorway, looking smug for someone who'd just been to a meeting about a patrol across enemy lines.
"What?" Autumn asked, furrowing her brows as she turned to look at him.
He met her gaze and winked. "Patrol's cancelled."
"What?" Boo asked, standing up straighter from where she'd been fluffing a pillow.
"Officially, it's still going ahead," Lieb said, venturing further into the room and throwing himself down on one of the beds. He batted Boo away as she grumbled at him for ruining the work she'd just been doing of straightening out the sheets. "Winters told us to report to him tomorrow morning that we made it across the river and into town but we weren't able to capture any prisoners. He wants us to get a full night's sleep."
Autumn let out a low laugh of disbelief. "You're serious?"
"As a funeral," Lieb replied, grinning. Then he laughed. "Oh, and there's something else."
"What is it?" Charlie wondered.
Lieb looked at each of them in turn, then tipped his head back and laughed. "We're moving off the line," he told them, speaking into the ceiling. "Tomorrow morning we'll be heading back to Mourmelon."
Charlie refused to get her hopes up again just for them to be shattered, but Boo started smiling wide. "Really?"
Joe tilted his chin back down to nod. "Fuck," he muttered, smiling. He shook his head as though still in disbelief about the entire affair, which he may well have been, before rooting around in his breast pocket for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "Thank you, Cap'n Winters," was all he said before he lit the cigarette and stuck it in his mouth.
"Oh, Charlie," Lieb added a beat later, remembering something. He chose to speak around the cigarette so that his voice was muffled instead of just removing it again. "Tab's getting his promotion today if you wanna go watch. It's some fancy hand-over thing happening in the CP."
"When?" Charlie asked, her interest piqued. Floyd may not have been her biggest fan at the moment but she still wanted to support him.
"I don't know," Lieb said with a casual shrug. "Sometime around now."
"Right now?"
"Yeah." Joe laughed around his cigarette. To Autumn and Boo, he said, "As if there's any other now."
"Okay, I'm going," Charlie declared, already on her way out of the door. "Bye!"
She made it to the CP just in time.
"Staff Sergeant Talbert," Captain Winters was saying as she slipped in and stood half hidden behind the door frame, "your formal promotion to the rank and role of company first sergeant." He handed Floyd a piece of paper and clapped him on the shoulder affectionately, smiling with palpable pride as Floyd looked down at the paper. "Congratulations, Floyd."
"Thanks, Dick," Floyd said, smiling back at him.
The other officers in the room - Speirs, Welsh, Nixon, Jones, and the still-yet-to-be-promoted Lip - all shook Floyd's hand and gave him their congratulations, and he accepted each one with uncharacteristic humility.
Charlie's heart was bursting with pride.
"You're gonna be great, Tab," Lip told him, a reassurance from one first sergeant to the next.
Floyd smiled at him as they shook hands. "Thanks, Lip."
This was apparently Floyd's cue to leave, for he gave a nod of acknowledgement to the rest of the room before turning and heading for the door. He faltered in his step when he caught sight of Charlie, but his dismissal ended up winning out over his reluctance to be around her, for he continued on his way a second later.
"Congratulations," Charlie said as he passed her. As she turned she was vaguely aware of Lip being formally discharged as an enlisted man and getting his battlefield commission to second lieutenant, but her attention was focused largely on Floyd as he mumbled his thanks and kept going.
The dismissal stung but she persisted, calling after him, "Floyd, wait up!"
Floyd huffed dramatically enough that she could see his shoulders rise and fall from behind him. "What is it, Charlie?" he asked, slowing down so she could fall into step beside him but not stopping to give her the time of day.
"Can we talk?"
"We are talking."
"Floyd," Charlie said, lightly grabbing onto his ODs by his elbow. "Please hear me out."
He didn't say anything at first, nor did he glance down at her, but after a beat he sighed. "Fine." He led them down an empty side street.
"Congratulations on the promotion," Charlie began when they'd come to a stop facing one another.
Floyd rolled his eyes and looked away.
Charlie sighed. "Look, I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to worry you. I was blaming myself and other people were blaming me too and I just wasn't thinking straight and I'm sorry. I really am."
"No one was blaming you, Charlie," Floyd said with a laugh of disbelief and a shake of his head. He still wasn't looking at her, instead staring resolutely down the street, watching as military trucks passed along the road perpendicular to their own.
"Well, they were, actually," Charlie told him as politely and non-argumentatively as she could manage. "But that's beside the point. The point is -"
"Who was blaming you?" Floyd asked, a note of challenge in his voice. He turned back to her perhaps only so she'd see how clearly he didn't believe her.
Charlie shifted her feet, tucked her hands behind her back so she wouldn't fiddle. "It doesn't matter."
Floyd laughed bitterly, as though that meant he'd won.
"I didn't say no one did -"
"But no one did," Floyd finished in her stead, cutting her off. "So don't blame other people."
"I'm not blaming other people! I'm accepting all of the blame! I'm just trying to explain to you why -"
"By blaming other people," he interjected again.
"God, it was Webster!" Charlie exclaimed, exasperated. "And Vest and Cobb." She sighed. "Well, they weren't really blaming me so much as accusing me of not doing enough, but -"
"What did they say?" Floyd demanded.
"Will you stop interrupting me?!"
He at least had the decency to look sheepish. "Sorry."
Charlie let all of her breath out, a bid to calm herself down. "They were just saying that I could have done more." She shrugged one shoulder and let it fall slowly. "And maybe they're right. Who knows? There's nothing any of us can do to go back and try again. But at that moment in time I was already blaming myself, so hearing other people say it too was just too much for me to take."
"You should've told me," Floyd said quietly. He was looking at her hard.
"You were giving covering fire."
"You should've waited for me. I would've found you after."
"I wasn't in the right headspace." Charlie shook her head. "I think that's the part you're not understanding. I wasn't thinking straight. Like, at all. All I could think about was getting away from that basement, and before I knew it I was on the other side of town and it felt like it had taken me seconds to get there, when probably it had taken an hour. I was just -" She sighed. "- I was somewhere else. It's like I blacked out.
"So all I can do about it is say that I'm sorry." She stared deep into his eyes, imploring him to believe her. "And I really am. I know that it was stupid and reckless and selfish and that it wasn't fair on you or any of the others - I understand that now, and I'm so sorry I worried you. But I can't take it back, because it already happened. Just please understand that I didn't do it deliberately."
Floyd let out a low exhale and turned his eyes on the grey patch of sky above them, peeking out between the edges of jagged, bombed-out buildings on either side of the street.
"You're gonna be the death of me one day," he said into the sky, shaking his head slowly.
Charlie frowned. "Don't say that."
He looked back down at her. "Don't do it again."
"I won't."
"And next time you go into one of your rages -"
"It wasn't a rage!" Charlie protested.
"- try and think about the people who'll be worrying about you, alright?"
"Yes."
"Alright."
And so they'd reached an agreement.
They were silent for a beat, and then Floyd turned back to the street they'd come from with a determined set of his shoulders. "Who'd you say said that shit to you? Cobb, Webster, and..?"
"What?"
Floyd glanced down at her with the tiniest whisper of a grin. "Rank has its privileges, but I'm sure you know that."