ʏᴇʟᴇɴᴀ
This is not the first to be so confused and clueless, also to be witness of two people's problems. And to think all of that make me want to know more.
I kept asking myself why i always have to be witnessed someone's problem in spite that it just make me curious and only giving me a lot of questions. I kept asking Alex for some explanation because Pauline kept warning me for something she doesn't want to explain it to me. What's wrong of fúcking Alex? Or should i say getting fúck by him? Is he not good?—i mean doesn't he know how to use widrawall method? I dont think so?
I even asked Alex last night but he doesn't want to talk to and he doesn't want to talk to me or speak to me. I just hate that it keep happening to me, the first time i become so curious and clueless is when im still working with Ryan. Being his assistant is not bad but the fact I found out what they were fighting about. Ryan cheated on his wife before and for your question he didn't cheated on her with me. I dont know who's that woman but i heard that it's one of his employees and God it just even worse. His wife thought it was me—just because im his assistant. I was really curious back then 'cause she kept telling me to quit my job not until I heard them fighting.
I admit that i was addicted in sèx but I didn't just want to hook with anyone else. That actually stop when i had boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend who actually make me feel that he only use me for bed, he just only want to see me when he's horny. It never became so problem with me since all i want was a perfect sèxlife. Until I realised that, that's not what i want for my life. I want to be so successful and fulfil my dream and to find someone—a perfect man that will marry me. So i told myself to throw that bad habits of me that will destroy and ruin my life.
But i guess that promises was already broken. All those had accumulated inside me and that was when I'd made a promise that I'll never focus on something that will destroy me. And i told myself to be with a man and next time having sèx is after my wedding and exactly at wedding night.
And now I'd totally lost the ability to even think was last night, when I'd discovered that the man I've been fúcking is having a big secret on his life—that probably can ruin my life—no i wont think that not until i got any answers.
I cried in pain as i drink a lot of water and it didn't help anything for my stomach ache. I dont know what I've eaten that my stomach is hurting so bad, i kept going on the bathroom just in case i just need to shit but damn it didn't help. I waited for a minute until i feel fine, i guess i had to go to the pharmacy to buy some medicine or pill.
I glanced at the door in front of me thinking if i should really do this right now? Do i really need to talk to Alex right now? I understand if he acting like this but damn i just cant take it anymore. Maybe he can talk to me right now.
By taking a deep breath i softly knocked on his door office.
I didn't get response so i just opened the door, slowly, "Alex?"
"Surprised you finally learned how to knock?" Alex said, seating on his table looking a little stressed. With a used cigarettes on the ashtray.
I just ignore what he said and closed the door behind me. "Do you have a minute?"
"What do you want, Yelena?" He asked resignedly, giving a look like I've been annoying him since morning.
"Let's talk." I replied immediately.
"No we dont, now get out."
I exhaled sharply. "You're being dickhead again."
"I've used all that kind of words." Alex stated delicately, soon he grin at me. "Asshole, jerk, I've been called worse."
I sighed thinking we're in this kind of situation again. The situation that i hated the most. "You think I believe Pauline? Unless you're gonna explain yourself about all of that." I just figured that i shouldn't be in one sided i had to think wise.
Alex sighed loudly. "Yelena i told you i dont wanna talk about it. What are you, deaf?"
I remain silence. Just by making an eye contact with him. I just realised that I can't convince him to talk about it.
"Fine!" I rolled my eyes with him. "But i want you to look for Brielle today, i had to go to pharmacy today."
"Why? What's the matter?" A tinge of worry in his voice and narrow his eyes at me, as he stood up to his seat and move closer to me. The way he always look worried, it make my knee weak.
The Caring Alex Turner is my favourite all the time.
"It's nothing, it just, i have stomach ache." I said.
"Enzo will drive you." He told me, putting his hand on his pocket.
I shook my head politely. "No it's okay he dont need to."
"Just for once Yelena dont be so fucken stubborn." I startled when he suddenly raised his voice, that were now cold.
"I said no, i want to go by myself and i want to be alone." I was drowning in his eyes, as his brown eyes are sparkling through the sun.
"Fine." He said coldly, walking past at me and grabbed another drinks on the cabinet.
I just sighed, knowing Alex is being Alex again, i can surely that this man need some help. I dont know how and when am i going to talk to him and can express himself. Since when Pauline left it become so relief and it become so relief to him as well but i don't understand him why he suddenly acting like this, is their problem is that too serious?
********
After i went to the pharmacy i just take a walk for a while. Thankfully my stomach is not that hurt, they basically told me that i just ate something that irritated my stomach and so on they gave me some medicine. I dont remember eating something, like expired food. Thankfully it wasn't that worse that i only need to drink these medicine then it's gonna be fine.
The cold breeze of air is hitting my face. I missed taking a walk every morning it make me relax. I mean it's not morning anymore, it basically five in the afternoon but i still love seeing sun setting down that make the sky turning into a red orange.
I didn't even realise that the street is empty. I was familiar with this area but can't help to think that kinda gave me a weird vibe, like in any minute someone can attack you. I just ignore it and kept walking, i mean it's fun to walk this kind of time especially when it's about the sun go down. I put both of my hands on my pocket as i kept walking, when all of sudden a hand grabbed me and another hand covered my mouth as i was dragged at the corner. I couldn't see his face 'cause he's behind me.
I struggled, screaming for someone help when he gripped his palm on my mouth. I heard my own muffled cries over the sound of thunder. I tried to knee his groin but failed, when I scratched his cheek instead. He finally let go of me as i heard him cries on pain. I was about to run for my life when i suddenly heard his familiar voice.
"Goddamn it!" The man said behind me. That make me realise and recognise that voice. My heart beats fast as I slowly turned around and to my expect, it was him. Oh God, no no no.
I felt a cold run down my spine and i felt my blood boil by seeing him again over many years. I can't help myself but felt so angry, furious. The person I've been avoiding and had my first ever experience sexual assault. Howard–my mother's boyfriend. "You?"
"Its been too long, Yelena." I could hear him smirking, that disgusting voice is making me want to punch him. I should leave and run as fast as i can. I was about to run when he grabbed my wrist. Hard. "Wait, dont just runaway im not done talking to you."
"What do you want?" I glared at him deathly, trying to push his hands but he even gripped it hard.
"I just want to talk to you." He told me, pushing me against the wall that make me gasp. I turned my head to side when he leaned to my face as i felt his hand running on my thighs. God, it's happening again. "and i want to see you."
I felt a tears slowly running on my cheeks. "Please stop." I cried, as he continued what he doing. "Im begging you." I was resisting so hard, but I felt like I was going to lose the fight. I had this gut feeling that something bad was going to happen. I realised this was the end; an ugly one where i would probably end up sexually assaulted again and dead somewhere near the dumpster.
"Please.." they said you should never beg for mercy at the person causing an assault because begging usually fed their fantasy, but i wasn't even in the state to think all of that, for the fact we're alone in this corner where no one is here. I knew he can do all of that, in the first place i was really scared of him. I continue to repeat the words
"I know you miss me, Yelena, dont act like you dont." He whispered to my ear, gripping my hands even more.
"Dont fucking touch me!" I yelled at him and this time i smacked him really hard at his face. I thought it's a good idea but that only made it worse.
He grabbed both of my hand and pinned down. His knee was nudging between my thighs. "Since when did you learned to fight, huh?"
"Howard, stop, get off me." I begged him, trying to get away from him. "I can fucking sue you for assaulting."
He laughed bitterly. "No one will ever believe you Yelena. Like what happened before no one will ever believe you. Even your mama." The last word make me realise that he's right, i dont even have proof when we're alone here. I cried again. "Oh You think i didn't know what you did to your mother? I need that money now."
I took a deep breath and look him in the eyes, fearless. "I dont know what you did to my mother to be with someone like you, but im not fucking afraid of you. Fuck off!" I took all my strength and successfully knee him on the crotch that make him cries pain on the ground.
I heard him calling me bitch while he's still on the ground. This time i run fast as i can, run for my life, i turned back and thankfully he didn't follow me that I assumed he's still in pain on the ground. I was relief when there's suddenly a taxi, i immediately raised my hands and with that he stopped and hop inside. I told the taxi driver for my address, i looked behind me to see if he followed me and thankfully i dont see him anywhere.
I sat back as i burst into tears again. I can't believe it happened again, i dont know why Howard always doing this to me. I thought when i left on that house he's gonna leave me alone but i was wrong.
I touch my leg where he touched me as i cried on silence, being sexually assaulted is the worst. It traumatised me since then. I already forgot how i felt when i first time experience this to him and I thought i wont ever gonna experience again.
I finally reached Alex's house as i payed the taxi. I know i look messed right now, i was too stunned and i can feel my body shaking a little bit. Once i went inside of the house, Rosita is here.
"Oh you're finally here, Brielle been looking for you..." Rosita said, I can't even hear what she's saying, what happened earlier is still on my mind. "Miss Lebraz, are you okay? Jesus, you're shaking!" She put a hand on my shoulder. She began to worried and panic all over her, she kept calling my name but i cant even move. "Miss Lebraz..."
"Sorry, im fine...It just my stomach, dont worry." I forced myself to look at her. "Excuse me."
I walked past her and went to my room. I lost it and cried and cried as i sob on the ground. I just hate this, i fucking hate this kind of feeling, I already forget this kind of feeling and now I feel again and it hurt too much. I felt disgusting for the fact he touch me again. Why is it always happening?
I cant even tell anyone because i know no one will believe. Like what happened before my mother never believe me and i know if i told her what happened earlier she's just gonna tell me that im crazy and being ridiculous. The only person that believes me was my friends. My mother will never believe me.
"Yelena?" Brielle voice made me stop crying. "Why are you crying?"
I immediately wiped my tears and tried myself to stop crying as i turned around to face her. "Im not crying Belle, it just...there's something on my eyes." I managed a quick smile. "Do you want some bed time stories?"
"No, i just want to say goodnight." Brielle said softly.
"All right, goodnight angel." I tucked her hair behind her ears as she turned around and leave my house.
I took a deep breath. I know I shouldn't just letting myself to cry and cry over that kind of shit. I shouldn't suffer myself for that, it will just ruin me and my mind, i know it's hard and really hurt. What's matter is im already here, maybe i should just forget that, no one will ever believe me anyway.
I've decided to take a warm shower to cleaned the dirt where he touched me. After i dry my hair i prepared my bed and ready to sleep, maybe sleep will help me and maybe when i woke up this morning, everything's gonna fine.
I was fixing my bed when i heard my door being opened, i turned around expecting it was Brielle but instead it's Alex.
"What are you doing here?" I asked him politely, avoiding any eye contact with him.
"What happened? Why are you crying?" He suddenly asked that make my eyes grew wide. Of course Brielle told him.
"W–What?" I laughed nervously, "What do you mean?"
"Brielle told me that you are crying and Rosita told me that when you got home you were shaking. Now what happened when you left earlier?" His eyes swivelling to my face.
I sighed, "it's nothing."
Alex shut the door behind him hardly as he move closer to me. "C'mon, Yelena, it's clearly you were crying and something is wrong."
"Why are you even cared?" I said firmly, turning my back to him as i continue to prepare my bed. Well sometimes i dont like Alex being caring.
"Cause i wanna fuckin' know if someone hurt you!" He growled.
"I—It just i remember something on my past." I lied, i feel scary to tell him about what happened i dont know why i cant speak about being sexually assaulted. Without knowing i burst into tears again silently. Remembering what happened earlier makes me cry, it just the fact that he will not stop doing that.
Suddenly i felt a pair of hands on my waist, i knew it was Alex, I wasn't surprised 'cause this is what i wanted. He held me to his arms as i softly sobbed. "Alex, im scared."
"Im 'ere, yer gonna be fine." Alex said softly, moving his arms around me and gently rubbing my arms as i leaned my back to his warm chest. This is not the first time, but whenever Alex doing this it just make me feel better.