Jennie
I feel dizzy by the time I make it to Busan. My ten minute nap on the bus was nowhere enough time for my body to reset but I mean, who needs sleep when you can stare out a window for four whole hours, regretting every decision you've ever made in your life?
No matter how hard I tried to think of a solution I just... couldn't.
She really knows me. All the parts of me that I thought I was hiding from her. All the parts I was hiding from myself. And she actually loves me.
I've never had that before.
And I think that's why I really want to be in this with her. Fully. Instead of running away and leaving her in the dust like my dad did. Instead of keeping her at a distance and letting it fizzle out like the rest of my relationships.
I check my phone for the millionth time but there's still no reply to the can we talk? text I sent her when I got on the bus. No phone call. She hasn't even looked at my Instagram stories.
I really fucked things up this time. Her silent treatment has never lasted this long.
This is way worse than any of our other little fights over flirting or my "emotional unavailability" or whatever text lit up my screen at the breakfast table.
I mean... the things she said last night. The things I said. It's like ten girls giving me their number during a shift at the club combined.
Sighing, I double check Google Maps to see I have two more stops before I get off this swaying bus, the weirdly patterned fabric of the seat prickling my thighs. I scoot forward and peek out the window to see a giant stone building looming in the distance, the bright afternoon sun turning the gray brick almost white.
Pusan National University.
I'm actually here. Officially a university student. For a second thoughts of Irene finally recede.
I almost feel like I can breathe in a way I never have before.
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe I actually did it. I made it out.
This is what I wanted. To figure out how to do more than just scrape by. To worry only about myself for once.
Well... mostly.
Reflexively, I glance down at my phone to see my mum hasn't replied to the texts I sent her on the ride here. Which is nothing new. But I still feel queasy over it since now I can't run home to make sure she's still breathing.
I pocket my phone as the bus jolts to a stop and I grab my stuff before stumbling down the aisle. I thank the driver as I hope off, supposedly four blocks away from my Craigslist found apartment, squinting against the sun as I swivel my head from left and right.
Instantly, I'm struck by how different this place is from Seoul. It's so small. From the buildings to the number of people walking on the sidewalks to the stores lining the street, it's like someone took home and halved it another ten times.
I follow Google Maps down the block past a Starbuck, a pharmacy, and a grocery store, horrified when I catch sight of my reflection in a window. I look like I got hit by a bus instead of riding in one.
My brown hair is pulled into a lumpy bun, baby hairs making a break for it everywhere I look. My T-shirt is so wrinkled it looks like I left it in the dryer for an entire year. My normally perfectly even eyeliner is somehow completely missing from my right eye and is still somewhat intact on my left. How is that even possible?
I quickly pull out my hair tie then comb my fingers through my hair and rub my still lined eye as the light in front of me turns green.
My phone buzzes and I almost fling it into the road as I fumble to pull it up to my face, hoping to see a text message from Irene.
But it's my mum. She actually replied to one of my texts.
Mum🤍
U there?
yep, just got here
The queasiness instantly melts away, baby hairs and uneven eyeliner aside. One night down. I slow to a stop at the overflowing trash can on the corner when I see a bright red door, the number 530 tacked to it in rusting silver. The same apartment building that was in the ad posted a month ago.
My new roommate, Kim Hyunah, definitely used the equivalent of the Snapchat dog filter on this thing, the hidden pores and under eye bags now fully exposed in the form of peeling paint and crumbling brick.
It's not far off from my place back home though, so I'm not too worried about it.
I take a step forward and squint at the ancient buzzer tacked on the wall, carefully avoiding the exposed wiring while I press the button for what I hope is apartment 3A. There's a long buzz and then a staticky crackle, a muffled yet chipper voice pouring through the speaker.
"Be right down!"
I run my fingers through my hairs a few more times and try to swipe off some more of the eyeliner, fixing a smile on my face as the door opens. I'm relieved to see the wavy haired Kim Hyunah I was expecting from my social media creeping and not a literal ax murderer.
"Hi!" she says, holding out her hand. "You must be Jennie."
"Yeah! Hyunah, right? Nice to meet you." I shake her hand and nod down at her carefully manicured nails. "I like your nails."
She gives me a grateful smile and I follow her inside. Both of us struggle to fit together in the narrow entryway. The speckled carpet is worn and fraying, mail is overflowing out of the boxes but... it doesn't smell like cat pee or trash. Which counts for something I guess.
Besides, this was the only place I could find that was furnished and under $500 a month – much cheaper than on campus housing and the only way I could afford to go to school and buy all of my overpriced "special edition" textbooks.
We climb the steps up to the third floor, and Hyunah talks while I try not to pass out on flight number two from lugging my massive suitcase.
"You're a freshman right? You excited?"
"Yeah I think so," I gasp out as we loop around the suitcase.
"Why'd you decide to come here?"
"Good premed program." Did I pack bricks in this duffel bag? Jesus. "But still far enough away from home that it feels out of the city," I add as I pull it up farther on my shoulder, taking Irene's words to heart and opening up just a tiny bit more than I usually would.
"Girl, I get that." Hyunah looks back and rolls her eyes before coming to a stop in front of a bruised white door. "I wanted to go to UCLA but..." Her voice trails into off and she rubs her thumb against her middle and pointer fingers
Money. Tell me about it.
She fits the key in the lock and pushes inside. "But PNU a good uni. You'll like it here. My boyfriend, Dawn, is a transfer student and he loves it way more than Seoul National University so that's got to count for something."
She smiles at me as we step through the doorway and I smile back, reassured.
The apartment is surprisingly nice. The wooden floors are a little scratched and worn and there's an ominous brown patch on one of the white ceiling tiles that will probably leak by the end of this term but Hyunah and her currently backpacking through Europe roommate have really made this place feel homey.
There's a comfy looking grey couch, an IKEA coffee table, and cute string lights looping from the ceiling and over the big windows. Pictures hang on the walls, some generic quotes in calligraphy, and others shots from around the city of Hyunah and a big group of friends.
Maybe, just maybe, I actually pulled this off.
"Your room is just past the bathroom," Hyunah says, pointing to a door at the end of a small hallway.
I'm barely past the small kitchenette and into the hall when the bathroom door flies open and I'm body slammed by a still wet, very shirtless boy wearing nothing but a small white towel.
A way too small white towel.
I know that because as we go tumbling to the ground it does not cover even a single ball as I feel the entire outline on my leg.
"Oh my God," I say, horrified, our eyes locking. I see him take in my face in a way I've seen hundreds of times over the years. It's the same look I've been getting since I hit puberty in seventh grade.
I grimace and push away as we both scramble to our feet. And... as if this entire situation couldn't get any worse, that's when I notice it.
He has a boner.
He tries to hide it with the tiny towel but it's no use.
"Are you kidding me Dawn? Really?" Hyunah says as she pushes past me to grab his arm. Dawn. Her boyfriend.
I press my back up against the wall as they slide past. She drags him across the apartment and just before she slams the door to her room shut she glares at me. Me! Like his boner is somehow my fault.
Great.
I lean my head against the wall and let out a long exhale. There goes that chance at a friendship. What a way to start my freshman year.
I push through the door at the end of the hallway and look around the room. There's a small desk. A tiny closet. A blue twin mattress by a curtainless window
I drop my stuff and collapse onto it, rubbing my face with my hands.
I can't believe it. I've spent years just dreaming about getting away but now... I wish I were back in Seoul. I wish I were back with Irene at her apartment rewatching Friends while she sings away, always practicing for her next concert with her roommates clattering around in the background.
Irene.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and sit up, tapping on her contact info. I hesitate, my finger frozen over the call button, the fear of an unsuccessful apology getting the better of me.
"Come on, Jennie," I whisper. "This is what got you here in the first place." I force myself to press the green button, holding my breath as the phone rings and rings.
Just as I'm about to give up, she answers.
"Hi."
"Hey!" I practically shout, relieved she picked up instead of letting the call go to voicemail. "How are you?"
"Fine."
Curt. Angry. But... responding. That means we're maybe past the silent treatment phase of her being angry at me.
That means I've got a chance.
"What're you doing tonight?" I stall, thinking of all the things we'd usually do on a Saturday night if I didn't have work and she wasn't performing. Flipping through vinyl at the record shop. Reading on a blanket at the park. Watching a movie together at her apartment.
"About to get some food at Gusto Tacos."
"Oh." A pang of longing hits me square in the chest. What I wouldn't give to be with her in that restaurant, picking at the absolute mountain of nachos they sell for five pounds.
It's hard to imagine her there without me, and it... surprises me how much it bothers me. I keep picturing all the uneaten chicken that'll be left on her plate at the end of the night. The chicken I would always trade her my nachos for. The conversations we'd have about her band and how their new album was doing. The way she'd hold my hand under the table while we waited for our food. How she wouldn't mind if I had to dip early to go check on my mum.
"You need something Jennie, or...?"
"Irene, I..." I fight for the words to come out. Come on, Jennie. "I just... I miss you."
She snorts and I can practically see her shaking her head. "I thought I didn't know shit about you."
Oof. Not my best moment.
"I didn't mean that. I just..."
"Jennie we both know you're not calling because you miss me. You're calling because you don't have anyone else.
"That's not true. I mean... it is true I don't have anyone else, you were right but I don't want anyone else. I've spent every second since I left your apartment thinking about you. About us," I say, trying to string all the thoughts I had on the bus together, trying to talk about my feelings even though it's tough. "Listen, I... I'm sorry about what happened. I'm sorry I pushed you away and ran when you tried to get close just like when I ghosted you. I'm sorry I didn't make you feel like you were the only girl in my life. I'm sorry that when you said 'I love you' and asked me to be real with you all I did was change the subject and close myself off." I take a deep breath. "But I don't want to run away this time, Irene. Not with you."
There's silence on the other end. I pull the phone away from my ear to check that she didn't hang up.
"I meant it," she says finally. "I meant it, Jennie. I love you but... I just don't trust you. I can't trust you. Especially not when you close me out all the time." She lets out a huff of air. "Not to mention the fact Nayeon told me you called her last night after you left. I saw her at the diner this morning."
Fucking Nayeon.
"It wasn't like that! I called her because I had nowhere to sleep." I jump up and start to pace the room back and forth. "Irene. Come on. Please. Let me prove it to you I can change. Let me prove to you that you can trust me. I want to make this work long distance. Really."
The thing I never got a chance to say to her last night.
"I don't know. I mean, you're not here. How will I know what you're even doing there? If you couldn't say 'I love you," what's going to stop you from cheating? I mean, that's why I wanted you to come on tour with me." She takes a deep breath, her tone questioning when she speaks next. "We don't leave until tomorrow."
I squeeze my eyes shut and run my fingers through my hair. I look around the unfamiliar room, at my suitcase by the door, the roommate that already hates me on the other side of it. My mum back in Seoul who I probably shouldn't even be away from anyways.
But... I can't. I don't want to go. This is my chance to make my life different and I can't pass it up.
"Irene I'll do anything," I say. "Anything but that."
She's silent for a moment before letting out a long exhale. "Listen. I was going to surprise you before all of this but... I'll be in Busan for a tour stop on September thirtieth." I feel my heart leap. "I mean, I'm sure you'll have like four girlfriends by then but if you don't, maybe we can talk." She pauses. "Really talk. About how you feel. About what you really want and if we can make this work long distance."
Yes. I can work with that. I can do that.
"Irene. I don't want to be with anyone else. I won't be with anyone else," I promise, reassuring her. "I want to be with you. For real. Okay?"
"Well I guess we'll see, won't we?" She pauses. "I hope you prove me wrong."
"I will," I say as I smile to myself, relieved.
Besides, I've always loved a challenge.