Logan stood nervously behind the door of the ladies room, waiting. It had taken him perhaps ten seconds to fully grasp what had happened, and he'd rushed after Rory without explanations, leaving the four looking after them in shock. Clearly none of them had realized that a simple game could've turned into something serious.
Rory paced around the bathroom, as the light over her head flickered. Her head throbbed, she'd clearly had a little too much to drink as well. And what had just happened was just too much on top of everything. She was angry, hurt, disappointed and just plain tired. She was done with the game and she needed time to process. Realizing that Logan was probably just outside that door, she understood that there was probably no reason to delay her exit. It was not like she had a place to hide or run to. And perhaps that was for the better. After splashing her water with cold water, and drying it off, she emerged.
"Ace, I'm sorry...," he began.
"Can we just go?" she said, clearly not ready to hear it.
She didn't wait for an answer and headed out the door, and Logan followed, quickly grabbing their jackets and telling Karl that they had to leave as Rory wasn't feeling well. Technically it was the truth.
The night air had turned crisp, as the two walked along the street, the establishments along the street still bustling with people, Rory hastily walking in front while Logan followed five feet after her, feeling like it was better to give her her space right now. Rory recalled the general direction back to the apartment surprisingly well, giving Logan no good reason to interrupt her. She clearly needed some space, and that was justifiable. Logan cursed his terrible judgement call. Why was it that he never made mistakes like that at work, and always with Rory? It was as if he couldn't quite think clearly around her, blinded by his emotions. On the bright side, the walk through the cool night, sobered the two up significantly.
Suddenly, about halfway back to the apartment, Rory came to a halt at a street corner. Logan hesitated, keeping his distance, observing.
"What were you thinking, Logan!? God!" she turned and raged. "You had no right to put me in that situation!" she continued shouting angrily. "What you go along with the game and just by chance the person you aim to play the joke on is the person who you know will get hurt by that. Our breakup was not just hard on you, you know. You have no idea what I went through!" she shouted, getting a few curious looks from bystanders.
Logan stood there quietly, waiting for her to say something more. But nothing came. Her last sentence had calmed him - he didn't know what she'd gone through, hence he couldn't have know the seriousness of the situation, but he hadn't been completely oblivious either. He could remember the look on her face at her graduation so well, he had no doubt she had been hurt too.
"I screwed up, I'm sorry. You're right, you're absolutely right," he admitted, finally daring to speak. "I'm still an idiot around you: I can't think straight, I overthink things, I'm scared all the time of saying or doing the wrong thing and well clearly failing," he explained, taking a deep breath, feeling defeated. "I actually considered doing the dare on someone else and then I just thought that would've hurt you too, like I'd never be willing to do it to you again, that we could never do that. I even considered just refusing to do it altogether, but then they would've wanted me to explain. And I am not ready to discuss it with them, it hurts for me too," he sighed. "I may have said what I did in the worst possible context but I did mean it, and for that I am not sorry. And no, I am not pressurizing you, I just love you, and I am terrified of losing you again," Logan said.
Rory sat down at a nearby bench, closed her eyes, leaning her forehead on her hand, letting out a shallow breath. She wanted to be angry at him, but everything he had said made perfect sense.
"And you say I don't know what you went through, you're right again, I really don't. So please enlighten me," he added a few minutes of silence later.
Rory was still processing. Her head had stopped throbbing, the cold temperature waking her brain up from her haze.
"Okay, let's go talk. But can we go back to the apartment first? I could really use some coffee, before we do this?" she suggested practically, her anger having been replaced by some level of understanding. She rose to leave, Logan still observing her carefully, trying to read her mood. "And Logan...," she began, "I do love you," Rory added. As much as she hurt both because of the past and the events of the evening, she couldn't deny that she had feelings for him, it was the least she could do - make sure he didn't feel like he was alone in this.
Logan smiled weakly, realizing the difficult discussions that lay ahead. He placed his hand across her shoulder supportively, as they walked onwards.
***
"I'll go make some coffee," Logan said, as they'd arrived at the apartment.
"Okay. Do you have a large piece of paper or a whiteboard or something? Markers?" Rory asked, already developing the idea in her head how they could do this productively, at least attempting to separate the facts from their emotions.
Logan knew well enough that this was her way to tackling big problems, and he didn't object. "Check under the bed, there should be something. And markers I should have in the top drawer of the desk," he called out from the kitchen.
By the time Logan returned with two large coffees and some grilled ham and cheese sandwiches he'd scooped up, Rory had removed one of the large abstracts paintings from his wall and hung the old poster presentation the white turn-side outwards on to the nail on the wall and separated half of the paper with a vertical line, on column marked L and the other R. The row headings listed: proposal, breakup, time in between and present day pro-con.
"This is going to take all night isn't it?" Logan sighed. It was not that he didn't want to do this, it was just a daunting prospect, and Rory got that.
"It might. But I think we can agree, that we need to do this. We'll do as much as we feel up to, and just continue tomorrow if we still have things to discuss. This may not be very pleasant but it's the only thing I can think of that we can do to break the pattern. We need to replace the guessing and fear with knowing, right?" Rory explained after taking a large gulp of coffee.
"Right," he agreed.
"So, here goes. What was going on in your mind when you decided you were going to propose to me like that back then? You'd recently told me to choose what I wanted to do, wherever I wanted to do it and then you just sprung it on me in public and made me choose all or nothing," she said, trying to state the facts as she saw them.
"I did, didn't I? Like I said before, I was an idiot. The explanation that I have is just that I got the job offer, taking me across the country, alone, and I realized I didn't want to do it without you. You were still undecided on the job front as far as I knew and I figured the West Coast could have offered you just as many opportunities. And I guess I was just so sure that you'd say 'yes', that I didn't even consider the alternative. And when you hesitated I was just so offended, I couldn't think straight. Like you didn't love me enough to come with me, like we weren't on the same page anymore," he explained.
"But I was too young to get married and settle down, I was still figuring out who I was, hell, in a way I am still doing that. And I needed to make the career choice first, like you yourself told me to do. And I know it was the right thing to do. When I saw you at graduation, I never expected you to say all or nothing, that just left my mind completely blank. That was so unfair. By saying 'no' to you never meant that I didn't love you. Hell, I could've even come with you, but just not as Mrs. Huntzberger. That alone would've been like a loss of identity. You must realize that that association in itself would've completely altered my career prospects?" she tried to explain.
"It could've been a long engagement, you could've kept your own name, you could've even travelled for work, I just didn't want to live there without you, I didn't want us to be in limbo. I hated it there without you," he replied.
"But you never said that, you said all or nothing, and 'what's the point?', " Rory recalled.
"I never realized those things needed to be said. You know I would've always supported you along your career. Getting engaged or married and moving wouldn't have been the end of those discussions," he tried to explain further.
"Looking back I realize that partially my fear of that commitment was probably down to my mom too," she sighed, trying to analyze her thought process back then. "I never really had a good example of marriage, not counting Emily and Richard, proposals always seemed to ruin things. Mom's engagements - they didn't exactly guarantee that she'd actually have her happy ending you know," she added.
"But have you gotten over that fear now? Lorelai and Luke have now been together a while, right? Engaged or not, the prospect of a long-term relationship cannot be that foreign to you," he continued.
"You're right, it's improved," Rory said.
"So, can we conclude that a) I was selfish for pushing and didn't think I was cornering you blinded by the idea that surely you would say 'yes', which was wrong of me, b) you were scared of commitment because you were scared to lose your identity, your choice career, and you never expected me to make it all or nothing," he summed it up.
"I think the mistake that started this was that you didn't talk to me Logan - you got the job offer and you went a long way in your head without talking to me. If you had eased me into it... If you had explained how you were scared to take the job without me coming with you, how you wanted something more than just being together like we were, not ending up doing it in public like that. Maybe things would have not ended like they did," she added.
"Don't think, talk," he concluded, writing it down on the paper.
"Did you consider getting back in touch with me after?" she asked.
"I did, so many times. But I after a few weeks cut the cord, I had Colin erase your contacts from my phone, e-mail, social media. I felt like it was the only way to move past you. I was so hurt, I think I spent like that entire first year working 80 hours a week and the rest of the time drinking just to pass out to not think about you," he explained.
"I felt like calling so many times, and then I still had your number, but I just felt like there wasn't anything I could say to make it better - I was still not ready to marry you. And the first few months were horrible - I pretty much cried myself to sleep on most days. Most of the campaign trail I just barely went through the motions. I didn't want to talk to people, and that was like the most important part I should've been doing. I was so out of my element," she added, regretfully.
"It was the 'what's the point?' that truly cut me. Like there wasn't a point of us being together unless we were married. Like the three years we were together didn't mean anything, like that was somehow insignificant," Rory continued to share, after a brief pause.
"It wasn't, you realize that now right?" he said, "I was just hurting, and that was a terrible choice of words," he added apologetically.
Rory could understand that, but it still hurt, and Logan could see it from her face.
"The three years with you were the best I've had. Yes, we were young and we had our issues. Mostly communication issues, if I recall correctly, but I've never felt that strongly about anyone, and that hasn't changed. I am so sorry for everything that happened, what I said and did," Logan continued.
"Okay," Rory sighed after a few seconds, "can we agree to move forward from that and not go back dwelling on it?" she asked.
"I can, if we agree to try to avoid the same mistakes. And I know how stupid that sounds in the light of my stupid act today," Logan said. "Can you move past it?" Logan asked after a few seconds.
"I can, if you promise to never put me on the spot like that again. I am not a good decision maker, you should know that. I need time to process things, make my lists even if just in my head. I need us to talk, always," she explained.
"I promise, Ace," he said, taking her hand, and pulling her to his lap for a kiss.
"Does this mean that there's hope for us?" Logan asked, after parting from the kiss, clearly wanting to hop over a few steps on the table.
"We wouldn't be doing this if there wasn't hope," she said, adding "but there's a long way to go to get to that decision."
***
"Logan, I think I need to hear about the time in between," Rory began hesitantly. "I know it's not particularly nice to hear about the other people we've had in our lives, but I think they have shaped us and hence we ought to at least know the cliffnotes before we can claim to know one and other again," she said. She wanted to believe he was exactly the same person she had fallen for all those years ago, but she felt like there were all these gaps. A potential minefield even, if she thought of her own life.
"If you insist," Logan replied, a little less enthusiastically.
"You don't want to know?" she asked, surprisedly.
"I know it's going to hurt, I'm jealous just by the thought of it, so why would I want to put myself through that," he stated.
"Logan, it's been seven years, it's not like a few months. That time is longer than the time we were together. We grew so much during those three years, it would be utterly naive to think we haven't developed in the last seven. I feel we slipped into accepting the image of the person we were very easily, but are those really the people were are today? People are shaped by their relationships, aren't they?" Rory tried to explain. She certainly wasn't the same person she had been.
"Okay. Can I go first at least, feel free to stop me if you don't want me to continue," he said.
"Okay," she sighed. She sat on his bed, her legs pulled up in front of her, arms around them watching as Logan paced slowly around the room.
"So as I said, the first year was pretty brutal. I worked hard and partied even harder, way worse than I ever did with Finn and Colin. I'm definitely not proud of that period. And well, you can imagine what I did to try to take my mind off things, I don't think I need to spell it out for you," he said, trying to spare her from the details.
She cringed momentarily, but nodded in agreement, she really didn't need to hear it, but in a way she had expected that. While she had wanted to believe she'd completely changed Logan around from his old ways, without the motivation, she realized that it would have been easy for Logan to fall back into the old pattern. And she really couldn't blame him.
"At one point Honor helped me pull my act together, talked some sense into me. Then I dated a bit, still in Palo Alto. But nothing I could take seriously came from any of those dates. And that really discouraged me, and for a while I really didn't want to date, I might actually have been depressed, I don't know - I never got a diagnosis or anything. So I just focused on the work. But I wasn't working hard for the right reasons and I just sort of broke down. When Honor suggested I go with her to London, I sold the company and stared things over. That in a way woke me up again. I went back to school. Imperial College London, got my degree. There I met Ashley. With her I dated casually, dated other people at the same time. She ran in the same circles so it was convenient for both of us. We broke up after a year or so when she met someone else who she wanted to commit to and I had no objections," he said, taking a deep breath in between.
"What was she like?" Rory asked.
"I guess she had some similar qualities to you in a way - the way she studied for example, very focused and hardworking. Intelligent. Everyone liked her, very easy to get along. And I could talk to her, and that felt really good," he specified.
Rory nodded, uring him to continue.
"After that I guess the main problem was that I had gotten used to hanging out with the Ashely's friends and I lost that along with her. Honor involved me in her life more, her friends included. I dated a little. During that time I guess by studying and being around dad more again melted the ice a little between him and I, and dad offered me to come back to work for him. I did, first started out at the London office. I didn't travel as much then. But it's not like I worked a lot less, but at least during those few years I learned to balance things a little better, and started to take care of myself more. I met Samantha through Honor, a friend of a friend. She certainly fit my mom's profile of the wife I apparently needed. Sam was family oriented, looked great and could definitely hold a decent conversation. We got as far as living together, but I kept feeling like she wanted more and faster, marriage and kids, and with her I just didn't feel it. I was in no hurry to do any of those things and I kept ignoring her prompts and hints to discuss those things. In a way I think I sabotaged the whole thing in the end. I just didn't really love her like that, I just loved the idea of her. The idea that I could maybe love her under certain conditions. But that never happened. It wasn't fair to her and she was truly heartbroken when I broke up with her," he said sitting down, leaning his forehead against his hand.
Rory could see that remembering wasn't particularly easy for him either, not just difficult for her to hear it.
"So that's when I started travelling around like I do now. And since then it's been quiet. A few casual hook-ups along the way but nothing serious," he added, wanting to finish talking. It was like poking around in an old wound.
"Anything else you'd like to add?" she asked. She wondered whether she should poke the topic of Anna, but she figured he would've told her if it had been anything significant. If it did fall under 'nothing serious' there wouldn't really be anything to ask at all.
"No," he breathed out.
"I guess it's my turn," she said, seeding the dread in Logan's face at the thought.
"Can you spare me the details, please? Just tell me what do you think I need to know, okay?" he said, taking a seat on the bed now, hoping to get it over with like ripping off a bandaid. Rory clearly thought it was necessary, and maybe she was right, but it didn't make the anticipation any more pleasant.
"Alright, I'll try," Rory said, seeing how he was struggling.
"So I guess there are two main things that you need to hear about. The first I'm really not proud of. I went back to Jess for a while, just before moving to New York. He was still very much in love with me and I used him as a rebound. It was short, a month or so, but I really regret doing that. It was incredibly unfair to him. And I honestly haven't spoken to him since. That is also one of the reasons it's difficult for me to go back home to Stars Hollow, he's Luke's nephew after all and at holidays he is around sometimes, even if not at the house, at Luke's or around town. Mom really hated what happened, I tried to convince her at first that it wasn't a rebound but she could see right through it, and I just didn't listen to her. He was so hurt. I'm a horrible person for what happened," she added, feeling the tears form in her throat.
"Ace..," he began, wanting to sooth her. The idea of her rekindling things with Jess wasn't something he liked hearing, but in a way he wasn't surpised. He'd known he had a thing for her, it had been clear to him for a long time. And surely, the idea that Rory had sought comfort in him, hurt him too, but after what they'd talked about before, he couldn't really blame her either. Here it wasn't Rory's fault, it was his, for putting her in that position in the first place.
Rory took a deep breath, hoping to gather herself, and gestured to Logan that she was fine.
"And the other one was a few year later, Mark, a true gentleman at first, and I guess I was just so overwhelmed by the amount of bad dates in New York, that when he came along, I was just so blinded by his gestures and intelligence. We moved really fast, lived together in my apartment, spent all of our time together. My mom loved him, being a true charmer. But somehow behind all that facade I didn't really notice when he became controlling and manipulative. First small things like keeping tabs on me, where I was and who I was with. It just seemed caring at first, considerate even. Soon I felt guilty about spending time in Stars Hollow with mom or with Paris, so I did so less and less. Later it was insisting I come home straight after work, checking my phone, things like that. I was so dependent on him, I guess I just felt that I'd be completely alone without him, having pushed Paris and mom away," Rory said.
"Did he hurt you?" Logan interrupted her, already feeling anger towards the guy building in him.
"Physically, no. Mentally, definitely," she replied. "Paris, thankfully, talked some sense into me. It was thanks to her that I told him to move out at one point. It was a year and a half into the relationship when I finally saw that it wasn't healthy. But I am so glad I got out when I did, because as far as I've read later on about things like that, it is that type of people who often turn violent at some point. My therapist says the main reason I kept at it for that long, not wanting to see it, was that essentially I have a bunch of abandonment issues to deal with. I've been seeing Dr. Matthews for almost three years now. I'm doing much better now compare to when I started, but it has been a good routine to keep up, though I don't need see her often anymore," Rory said, looking at Logan carefully.
Logan truly hadn't expected anything like that. He'd pictured romance and commitment, feeling jealous, but there was none of that.
"Do you think I was to blame for the abandonment issues?" he inquired, beginning to blame himself.
"Logan, no," she replied, plainly. "All the times I've discussed this with her, it's been a mix of past events - dad and Jess mostly. Overall the fear of someone leaving me again, caused me to stick around Mark for as long as I did. And that whole relationship didn't help anything - I began doubting myself, like maybe I was too damaged for someone to love me even. I know it was flawed thinking and talking to a therapist really helped me to learn to identify things like that. I did blame myself for our breakup for a while, that I wasn't able to take that leap of faith. That probably was linked to these issues, but now understanding your side of the story much better and I really do think I just wasn't ready to do it the way you chose to present it then," Rory explained, taking a deep breath. "And after that, it's just been a few casual dates, and I guess it's been difficult to trust people's intentions," Rory explained. "Now with you, one of the first things I noticed was how effortless trusting you is. Like that trust we had was still there," she added.
"Oh Rory, I had no idea," he returned to sit next to her, taking her hand. He felt silly now, almost having not wanting to hear about her past, for his own selfish reasons. "Thank you for telling me, thank you for insisting on telling me," he said, sincerely.
"How could you have known?" she sighed. She felt relieved having him known how she'd struggled. It was her baggage and it certainly wasn't light, but it was hers. Logan needed to know that. As much as she tried, she could't stop the tears falling from her eyes. They were tears of relief and worry, worry whether Logan would be able to handle it.
"Hey..," he said, wiping the tears off her cheeks, pulling her close for a hug.
"It's just a huge weight off my shoulders, that you finally know these things. And I know it's not particularly attractive to have baggage like that, but it is how it is..," she sobbed.
"Don't cry, Ace, I'm here." Logan soothed her. "This doesn't change how I feel about you," he sighed.
Rory burried her face in his chest in reply, feeling his hands around her creating a sense of safety. It was not much later than the two scooted over to lay down on the bed, and fell asleep, their clothes still on, neither of them willing to let go.