CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
LANCE JOAQUIN BERNARDO'S POINT OF VIEW
She just ran fast as if someone was chasing her and she was going to kill him.
"Shain, sandali lang!" sigaw ko halos hinahabol ko na ang hininga ko sa kakatakbo para mahabol siya.
I screamed, struggling to catch my breath as I raced to catch up with her.
But I need to explain everything. I need her to stay with me.
She's my whole world. It's all my fault.
Everything that's happened between us. Every pain she's endured. It's all because of me. She's carried all that pain and suffering, and now she's overcome with exhaustion.
She keeps running, pushing herself as far and fast as she can. I know she's tired from running.
Damn, she's hurting because of me!
I'm a terrible boyfriend.
I don't know where we're headed, where our feet will take us. I'm out of breath from running, but she's more important. She's important to me.
I'm almost within reach now. It's time to talk to her, to fix things between us.
I can't lose her. I can't let her leave me.
I grab her wrist as she comes close to me. There's no hesitation anymore.
She discreetly wipes away her tears before turning to face me. As I turn away, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I hate myself. I hate it so much.
"Lj, ano ba? Bitawan mo ako!" she shouted at me, trying to take my arm.
I can't let her go!
Stay with me. Just stay with me.
Ayaw ko bitawan ang kamay niya. Takot na takot ako'ng bitawan siya dahil pakiramdam ko bigla siya mawawala sa paningin ko.
"Bakit ka ba sunod nang sunod?!" she asked with authority.
I need to explain everything so that she understands. I hope she'll still listen to my side of the story.
"Let me expl—" she cut my say something.
I'm ready to tell her, but she's too angry to listen. I can't blame her because ultimately, it's my fault.
Come on, Lance. It's all your fault.
"Stop it. Hindi mo na kailangan magpaliwanag pa," she tried to calm her voice.
"I'm so sor—" she cuted my says again and again.
I'm so fucking need explain. Ayoko. . . ayoko nakikita siyang nasasaktan nang dahil sa'kin. Napakasama ko!
"Bakit, Lance. . . bakit ano ba ang nagawa ko sayo para saktan mo ako ng ganito?" she pressed her lips together.
"Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo?! Ang pahirapan ako? Ang saktan ako?!” she asked while her tears were already falling in the cheeks.
I want to wipe away the hurt. . . I want to hug her just to show her I'm here, even though I'm the one who hurt her.
“Well, guess what?!” she glared at me. "You win! Nanalo ka na dahil nasasaktan ako at nasaktan na ’ko! Nahihirapan na ako. . . Tangina! Ano masaya ka na?! Masaya ka nang nakikita akong nasasaktan at nahihirapan?"
"But you know what?" she choked out, her voice was trembling. "Even though I know it'll hurt, I keep holding on to us, hoping we can go back to how we used to be. . ."
I watched as tears streamed down her cheeks. She punched my chest with both fists.
"Go ahead, just hit me until you feel better!" I said in my mind.
It's all my fault.
She screamed continuously. When she finally grew tired, she buried her head in my chest. I wanted to hold her, but she's in pain.
I'm sorry, honey! Don't worry, I'll fix this, okay? I promise!
I sighed and kissed the top of her head. I should have done this sooner, but here I am, finally doing it.
"You don't understand, Shain," I murmured softly. "I never wanted to hurt you or make you cry. I don't want you to suffer like this. . ."
“I'm sorry, I want to tell you everything but this is not the right time yet. I'm sorry, Shain, alam kong, sobra na kitang nasasaktan pero paano naman ako?” my voice cracked, “Nahihirapan at nasasaktan din ako sa sitwasyon na’tin.”
Wala siyang masabi nang magsalita na ako. Umalis siya sa pagkakasubsob niya sa dibdib ko. She looked at me like she could kill me. I pressed my lips together to, and heave a sign. I mediatelly cut her off. Hinila ko ito palapit at niyakap ko ito nang mahigpit.
I missed her!
"Shain. . . please," my voice broke. “Yes, I admit, I am struggling and hurt. In the cupid's arrow of our love, I've chosen to remain by your side. Through the highs and lows, my heart has found its home with you, and come what may, I'm here to stay."
Kung p'wede lang magdamag kaming ganito habang nagaaway, okay lang basta alam ko yakap-yakap ko pa rin siya at nandito siya sa tabi ko.
"Lance, seriously? Are you kidding me?" she burst into laughter, "Mahal mo ako? At sinong niloloko mo? Ako ba? 'Yan na naman tayo, magaling ka talaga bumilog ng utak ng mga babae. . . But this time, I will never believe you,"
Tatalikod na sana ito ngunit hinawakan ko siya sa kamay. Lumunok ako ilang beses.
"Everything I make you feel is true, and everything I tell you is true. Believe me. . . you're the only one I have. Please. . .don't leave me.” I begged to her. "
I approached her to hug her again, but she stopped me. Pain washed over me. I think I deserve this kind of pain.
"Masakit na Lance! Ang sakit-sakit mong mahalin." sigaw niya.
Patuloy pa rin humahagos ang mga luha ko. I'm so fucking desperate.
"Shain, ano ba dapat kong gawin para maniwala ka?! Tell me, I'll do everything to make you believe in me, please. . ." I begged while the tears continued to flow in my eyes.
She firmly stood on the ground. Hinding-hindi ako mapapagod na humingi ng tawad at magmakaawa para mahalin niya ako.
I love her so much! I'm terrified of losing her. . . I'm so scared she'll walk away from me.
I can't let that happen!
I'll do everything to show her that what I did wasn't just for myself, but for both of us.
"Let's broke up," she looked away.
Different pains, three words.
Am I too overwhelmed?
Have I hurt her too deeply?
"Let's end this because this love is draining us both," she stated firmly, turning away. "We're just playing games with each other."
I'm hurting so damn much, but the person I love is feeling a different kind of pain. My tears won't stop. I can't bear the thought of us being apart. I want it to be us until the end.
"Lance Joaquin Bernardo!"
I bent down, sniffing. "Why do we have to go through this? Why do we have to split up?! Let's talk it out. . ."
I lifted my head, tearing-filled eyes expressing pain, fear, and hope.
"Let's just talk, hon. . . I don't want to lose you. If you don't understand, I'll explain it to you, just don't leave me. . . Please," my voice trembled slightly.
I looked at her with teary eyes. Sobrang sakit na. . . I never leave her!
Gustong-gusto na talaga niya ako iwan.
Paano na kami? Paano na ako? Ipaglalaban ko pa siya. Ano pang silbi ko rito kung ang taong mahal ko ay napasuko ko na.
"You're a liar! You're just lying! I can't believe you want me to go away!" My voice trembled, screamed, my hands pulling at my hair in frustration. "You love me! That's why I know what you're saying is against your heart!"
I never let her go! Sa 'kin lang siya.
Sa pagkakataon na ito, siya mismo ang lumapit sa akin. She cupped my face with her two hands and she stared at me.
"Lance, I need to say it again. . ." she bit her lower lip, struggling to hold back her emotions. "From now on, we need to stay apart, agree to our separation. Please. . . it's what we both need. We need to focus on healing ourselves first,"
I closed my eyes slowly, unable to accept it.
Honey, please don't do this to me! We can work through this together. Why do we have to separate?
Promise me, just tell her she can't leave me. I'll fight for her. . . I'll fight for us. I won't give up on her.
"Okay. . . if that's what you want, I'll do as you ask," I muttered softly, voice barely audible.
Panahon na siguro na bitawan siya. Panahon na siguro na ang sarili niya muna ang unahin niya. Sobra ko siyang sinaktan, naubos na rin ang pasensya.
She did everything, but I was the one who made the biggest difference. I want to cry hard. . . I want to cry louder. I feel so weak and wounded. I'll bear all the pain I deserve.
The world is so cruel.
Why her?
Why is she slipping away from me?
Why do we have to part ways?
Why did I let the love of my life slip through my fingers?
Why is it like this?
I feel so useless. I don't know what to do to make her come back. If only I could turn back time to when she was texting, calling, asking about everything, and sharing what was going on with her. . . I would answer all of that.
But I was so depressed back then!
I didn't reply to anything. I didn't answer any of her calls or messages.
Paano pa siya mananatili kung napagod na siya sa 'kin?
Paano pa siyang mananatili sa akin kung ayaw na niya?
Paano pa siya mananatili sa akin kung unti-unti na siya lumalayo sa akin?
I need to come to terms with the fact that we're no longer together.
"P'wedeng humingi ng isang hiling?" his voice remained distant, the weight of his words hanging heavily in the air. "Payakap kahit isang saglit lang,"
She smiled painfully before opening her arms wide.
"Come here, hon. . ."
Unti-unti ako lumapit at yinakap ko na ito. Niyakap niya ako pabalik. Narinig ko ang hikbi nito.
Last hug with you, honey.
"Honey, p'wede pa naman kitang mahalin 'di ba? Kahit p-patago lang?" My voice cracked. "Huwag mo naman sanang ipagkait o pigilan akong mahalin ka kahit patago lang,"
She slowly nodded but I know, she is still confused if sasagutin niya ba ako o hindi na?
"Hayaan mo lang ako mahalin ka hangga't sa mapagod ako," my voice cracked.
Bumitaw ako sa pagkakayakap ko sa kaniya at akmang maglalakad na sana ako paalis ngunit nang bigla niya akong tinawagin.
"Lance. . ." she called. "Ingatan mo ang sarili mo sa Australia."
"You too. Take care of yourself, my first love." I smiled. "A-alis na ako sa makalawa,"
Hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kaniya. Hirap na hirap akong sabihin lahat nang meron ako.
"Lance, aalis ka na puno ng katanungan ang utak ko?" she cried again. "Hindi ko maintindihan talaga kahit ano'ng pilit ko."
Kitang-kita ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa mata niya. She massage of her chest which made my heart throbbed in pain.
She's hurting. . . because of me.
Fuck, I hurt her, nothing less, nevertheless.
"Bakit mo nagawa sa akin na lokohin ako?!" piyok niyang tanong. "Lagi ko na lang hindi naiintindihan ang lahat. . . nagbabakasali ako na sabihin mo at ipapaliwanag mo sa akin ang dapat kong malaman. . ."
Umiiling-iling lang ako sa kaniya. Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil alam kong sasarili, kasalanan ko.
"Sino 'yong babae?! Bakit kayo naghahalikan? Bakit?! Umamin ka!" she shouted at me. "Dahil naibibigay niya ang lahat na gusto mo? Dahil nakuha mo na ang pagkabirhen niya?! Dahil may nangyari na sa inyo?Nag-enjoy ka?! Masarap?! Ilang rounds?!"
"Ano ba kulang, Lance!" she is screaming because of agony.
Hindi ako sumagot lahat ng katanungan nito.
"Siya ang pinili mo dahil nakuha mo na ang dapat mong makuha?!" piyok niya sabi. "He'to, maghuhubad ako sa harapan mo. . .maghuhubad ako sa mismong harapan mo, baka sakali na piliin mo rin ako!"
She slowly unbuttoned the polo shirt she was wearing. I could almost see the color beneath it.
"Ganito ba'ng gusto mo?!" Lumapit siya sa akin at hinila ako malapit sa kaniya. "Ano na?! Tara na?! Ano pang gusto mo?! Pati ang suot kong skirt ay tatanggalin ko rin?!"
As she began unbuttoning her skirt, I intervened, hearing her sobbing as she did. We weren't in the right frame of mind for this. I gently closed her skirt and buttoned up her shirt, tears streaming down my face. Our sobs filled the air.
"Not like this, Shainny. . ." I cried, "You don't have to do that in front of me. You don't have to do anything. Nothing! Just you, that's enough. . ."
For a few moments, we were both silent, our cries the only sound. She crossed her arms as she turned away. I closed my eyes slowly, struggling to breathe.
"Please, tell me. . . I need to know," she pleaded.
I shook my head, scared of hurting her even more.
"Lance. . . You don't know how long I waited for you," she choked back tears. "I waited. . . I waited for nothing, Lance!"
"Habang hinihintay kita. . . nakikipaghalikan ka na pala sa iba," she murmured.
Hindi ko na kaya. Nang dahil sa pagkakamali ko biglang nasira ang lahat. Hindi ko na siya kayang nakikita siyang nasasaktan at nahihirapan. Tila, pinaparusan ako. Sunod-sunod ang problema sa buhay. Siya lang meron ko, pero mawawala pa siya.
I can't take it anymore. Everything shattered suddenly because of my mistake. I can't bear to see her hurt and struggling. It feels like I'm being punished, one problem after another in life. She's all I have, but I'm going to lose her.
"Did you think of me while you were kissing her?" she asked. "I hope you at least think about me. . . I hope you remember that you have a girlfriend. . ."
"Please, don't hurt yourself. . ." I begged, tears streaming down my face again. "Shainny, it's okay, please. . . It's better if you leave. I don't need you anymore!"
"I can. . . I can manage without you. I can!" he pointed at me.
Damn, me?!
I can't bear to be without you. I can't leave you here for my family. I can't stand the thought of you being alone.
I deserve this. I deserve to be hurt. It feels like I'm being punched in the gut.
I'm completely broken.
"Don't push me away, Shain. . ." I almost whispered, sounding like I'm begging.
I only did what I did because my family was desperate for help. I did it hoping they'd help me stay here.
But why? Why did you give up so easily? Why can't you fight for me?
"You said one thing. . . You said you'd stay by my side. . ." I cried. "You said one thing, Shain. . ."
"Hindi! Wala ako'ng sasabihin sa'yo! Umalis ka na!" giit niya. "Pinagsisihin kita. . . Pinagsisihan kong kung bakit ikaw pa. . . Kung bakit ikaw pa ang minahal ko!"
Kung ikaw ay nagsisi ka kung bakit minahal mo ako, pero ako. . . hinding-hindi kita pinagsisihan kung bakit minahal kita.
"Lumapit ka, please. . ." I covered my mouth to stop from screaming. "Lapit ka na, hon. . ."
Isang sabi ko lang sa kaniya ay lumapit na siya nang walang pagalinlangan.
I grasp her wrist, pulling her closer to me. Our foreheads meet, our eyes locking in a bittersweet gaze. I breathe in her scent, a hint of mint filling the air. It's the last moment, the final chance to savor her smile, her eyes, her nose, her rosy cheeks, her lips—now tarnished because of me.
"Just tell me you love me, and I won't leave you alone. . . I'll choose you," I whisper, my voice barely audible.
"That's enough. Just go," she replies.
I'm not surprised by her response. I had hoped to retract our breakup.
"Don't show yourself again. I don't want to see any reminders of what we had," she continues.
I release her from our embrace, meeting her gaze. I can see the pain and exhaustion I've caused reflected in her eyes.
"Fine. . . Starting tomorrow, you won't see me again. Not even my shadow," I declare. "This is for you. . . Shainny, I'll do whatever it takes to stop the suffering."
"Sana sa pagbalik ko, ako pa rin." I whispered.
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