Jisoo
Oof.
I wake up struggling for breath as my ancient, white Maltese hurls himself onto my bed, his small white paw jabbing me right in the kidney.
"Dalgom, get down!" I try to lower my voice a few octaves but it's no use. For the next five minutes he attacks me with kisses and steps on every single one of my organs, until he finally hops down satisfied with his work.
I will not miss waking up to that.
Well, at least not too much.
As I wipe the slobber off my face, I feel around on my side table for my phone but my hand lands on the pile of five freshly labeled binders I finished preparing last night, ready for the upcoming school year. Nothing quite compares to a peaceful night, just me and my label maker.
I reach past them to tug my phone off the charging cord. And then for the ten thousandth time this summer I search for Park Chaeyoung's Twitter profile, careful not to accidentally tap the follow button.
I fell asleep at nine thirty yesterday just like I always do so I missed her tweet from late last night.
Chaeyoung @roseanne_555 • 10h
tomorrow i officially become a uni student! #hail2pnu
A wave of nausea rolls over me but a grin breaks out across my face too as I press the phone against my chest.
Today.
It's been three months since we graduated from high school.
Eighty seven days since I've seen her.
Just to be clear. I am not following her to university. About half my high school gets funneled into Pusan National University. We both just happen to be part of that half.
And... if you ask me, it feels an awful lot like fate. Like the universe is finally doing me a solid after such a crappy four years.
I've really tried to keep my mind occupied with other things this summer, but when you meet a girl like Park Chaeyoung it becomes impossible to think about anything else.
Well, maybe "meet" is the wrong word but I haven't been able to get her out of my head since she walked into ninth grade homeroom wearing a vintage red velvet coat and a pair of oversize yellow combat boots that didn't match at all.
But I liked them anyway.
And I wasn't the only one.
Her energy was magnetic. People naturally gravitated toward her at the beginning of every class, in the hallways, and after school but the attention never seemed to go to her head. She was never mean, never exclusive, and she was always exactly herself no matter who was around. It seemed like she could talk to anyone about anything.
Not that she ever talked to me but you can hear a lot from two desks over.
It's not that I didn't want to talk to her. I'm just not good at opening myself up to people. I'm not good at making friends. When you spend as much time as I have worrying about what to say and how to say it and it still comes out wrong, it just becomes easier to not say anything at all.
This year though, I don't have to be quiet Kim Jisoo with the crippling social anxiety. Things can be different at PNU.
This is university. It's a fresh start, a chance to rewrite myself. People are always saying that things get better in university and I have to believe that. This can't be all there is.
It has to get better.
I don't think I can make it through another four years of–
Crash.
A big box of something hits the kitchen tile downstairs, the sound carrying up through my floorboards.
Mum.
Even though I told her a million times last night that everything I need is already in the car, I just know she's packing more crap for me to take. If I don't get down there right now she's going to have the entire house packed into the back of her SUV.
I take a deep breath before hopping out of bed and taking the steps two at a time. As I turn the corner I find my mum flying around the kitchen, opening and closing every drawer and door. Her chin length hair is half pulled back into a black clip.
"Where is that son of a bitch?" she grumbles, so focused on looking for who knows what that she doesn't even see me. I hear the rustle of paper and look over to see my dad's brown eyes peeking over the top of his daily newspaper at me from our breakfast nook.
They crinkle at the corners just like they always do when he smiles.
"Glad you're up." He's already snickering at whatever he's about to say. "Thought we were going to have to come roll you over so you wouldn't get bedsores."
"It's only eight thirty," I say, making a face. Laughing at his jokes will only encourage him.
"Jisoo!" An instant grin replaces my mum's frustrated frown as she finally stops her search and sees me. Flyaway strands of hair float around her round face as she rushes over to give me a hug. Two handed, one arm over, one under or she'll make me do it again because it "just doesn't feel right." She's acting like I am going off to war but even though she's crushing me almost as much as Dalgom, it's hard to pretend like I won't miss this.
When she releases me I walk over to the counter, closing a few cabinets and hip thrusting a drawer back into place along the way. I certainly did not get my compulsion for organization from my mother. "What are you doing?" I ask.
"I told her not to," my dad interjects without looking up from his newspaper.
"Oh, just do your puzzles Hajoon." Mum waves her hand at him as she crosses the kitchen to open yet another cabinet. "I'm getting a few more things together for you. I just need a whisk and then I'm done but I can't find my second one," she says.
"Mum," I say as firmly as I can. "I do not need a whisk."
"Everyone needs a whisk," she replies, as if we're talking about a toilet or something.
"What am I going to do with a whisk in a dorm room?" I ask her, hoping to bring some logic to the conversation this morning but she just keeps rifling through every cabinet.
I lean down and open the flaps of the box she's packing up, feeling utterly confused at its contents: a roll of foil, the stapler from our junk drawer, a spatula, two can openers, and a nonstick pan.
"Mum I don't need any of this," I tell her, placing my hand on her arm to try to stop her from opening yet another drawer.
"But what if you do?" she asks, her voice shaking a little. "What if you need something and you don't have it? What if you get hungry in the middle of the night and... "
"Then I'll just have to figure it out for myself." I pull her away from the drawer, forcing her to face me. She looks up with tears coating her eyes.
"Please don't leave," she says, even though she doesn't mean it. At least she's trying not to.
"Mum I'm going to be fine," I tell her. I try to sound more confident than I feel.
"But I'm not," she admits through a pathetic sounding laugh.
I give her another hug because while I know it's lame... we're basically best friends. We've never explicitly called each other that but when you're this close with someone it doesn't need to be said. She's been my closest friend all through high school. My only friend, if I'm honest.
Now, somehow I have to say goodbye to her, this person who has been by my side through all of it. It doesn't feel possible but if things are going to change this year I need to let go a little.
And I need her to let go a little too.
"Jisoo, we need to leave in about an hour. If we wait any longer I'm afraid your mum's going to pack herself up in one of these boxes," my dad says and my mum throws a spatula at him.
• • •
An hour later we're officially on our drive to PNU. My dad volunteers to drive my car down so it's just my mum and I in her SUV and I find myself regretting it as she points out seemingly everything familiar on our way. My old school, the movie theater, a roller rink off the highway where I spent so many nights skating with my brother, Seokjin. I tear my eyes away, the memories making this whole moving thing even harder.
Luckily once we arrive I pretty much can't think about any of that because campus is pure insanity. Every trunk in sight is hanging open, and mini fridges, bedding, and IKEA furniture spill out onto the street. The sidewalks are filled with parents trying and failing to round up their younger kids. A girl sporting a PNU rugby hoodie loses control of her giant moving cart and watches in horror as it slams right into a parked car. Then I watch in horror as she just casually walks in the other direction. Just to be safe we decide to leave dad to guard the car after he parks mine in the student lot.
"Hi! Welcome to PNU!" A guy with perfectly coiffed hair greets me as I enter the quad with my mum in tow. "I can help you get checked in," he says, leading me over to a table. I give him all the information he needs and he hands over a welcome bag and my student ID card featuring a horribly blown out photo that was taken of me at orientation over the summer.
"How does she find out who her roommate is?" my mum asks, stepping up to the table.
"Oh." The guy furrows his eyebrows. "You should have gotten an email months ago."
But... I've been refreshing it religiously all summer so there's no way I missed it. Right? My stomach sinks but I don't want to be that freshman.
"Oh, okay I'll take another look," I tell him.
"Well, is there any way you can look it up? She didn't get an email," my mum interjects, and instantly my skin prickles. Just once I wish she'd let me handle something for myself.
"Mum, it's fine," I whisper under my breath. "I'll figure it out when I get up there. Besides, Jin's on his way, right?" I thank the guy and tug my mum away from the table.
Thankfully, my distraction works.
He said he was going to bike over and... meet us in the quad? Is this the quad?" she asks. I nod, looking around at the three identical dorm buildings for... there it is... Jayoo Hall.
"I'm just going to run up and see my room. I'll be back," I reply, but quickly realize that she's following on my heels anyway. "Mum, can you maybe stay here and keep an eye out for Jin?" I pick up speed before she can reply. I actually kind of want her with me to see the room for the first time but I keep reminding myself that things have to be different. And for them to be different I really cannot have my mum barging in behind me as I meet my roommate for the very first time.
Both doors have been propped open and girls are flooding in and out constantly. The elevator looks pretty busy so I take the five flights of stairs up to my dorm room, stopping right outside the door to catch my breath and get myself together.
First impression, Jisoo. New you. You've got this. All you have to say is "Hi, I'm Jisoo."
Deep breath.
I open the door expecting to see my roommate but what I find instead makes my stomach sink straight to the floor.
"This is a joke," I whisper to myself as I look around the shoebox of a room.
One bed. One desk. Even though it was my last choice. Even though I specifically asked for anything but this.
It's a single.
Like it's not already going to be hard enough for me to make friends, now I get to live in solitary confinement. I step in, looking around my room as I listen to girls go by in the hall talking with their roommates about what should go where and who gets which side.
"Hey Chu, where do you want these?" a voice asks from behind making me temporarily forget my predicament. I turn around to find a huge stack of boxes blocking the entire hallway, a pair of legs sticking out the bottom, almost buckling under the weight of about every item I own.
"Hey Jin," I say, feeling lighter at the sight of him. "You know they have carts for that." I hop up on my plastic mattress to make room for him to get by before he drops everything on the floor with a few thuds. He takes a second to catch his breath, hands on his knees.
I've got two perfectly good carts right here," he says, slapping each of his biceps. I roll my eyes at him. "Besides, what else are older brothers good for?" he asks with an amused smile, coming over to give me a hug.
"Hajoon quit running over my heels!" My mum's voice echoes down the hallway, accompanied by a laugh that fills up all this empty space. We both turn to the door as our parents appear with a moving cart filled with another load of my things.
My mum's smile drops instantly as she scans my room.
"They put you in a single," she says, the corners of her mouth turning down.
"Lucky right? Man, I would've killed for a single in uni," Jin says as he sits down on my desk.
"Yeah, this is really nice Jisoo. You've got your own little space here," dad adds.
I meet eyes with my mum, the only person who could possibly understand what this means for me. The only person who knows that this was my one good chance of having a built in social life in college.
I look away before she says anything because talking about it will only make me feel worse. So I throw myself into the task at hand. Organizing. The thing I love.
Jin and dad bring up load after load while my mum and I put every single thing in its place. I try not to think about everything I was looking forward to with my roommate. All the nights we were supposed to sit up in bed, gossiping about all the exciting things happening in our lives here or the midnight trips to the supermarkets to get waffles and ice cream. I try not to think about how I was supposed to be putting this dorm together with her, not my mum.
"So I was thinking," my mum says as I sit down on the floor next to her to refold some T-shirts. "Why don't you order takeout and ask one of your floormates to hang out?" She tries to sound excited but the look of pity in her eyes is too familiar.
"They're all going to be getting to know their own roommates. And I don't know anyone to ask," I say, returning my gaze to the shirt I'm folding.
"What about Chaeyoung?" She nudges me playfully. "Maybe she's free."
"Can we not talk about this right now? Let's just fold," I say, but she can't let it go. Like any true best friend, she also knows how to get under my skin like no other and it feels like that talent is on overdrive today.
"Why don't you send her a text to see if she wants to hang out tonight?"
"Mum," I say firmly, turning to face her. "I can't just ask her to hang out, okay? That's not..." I let out a frustrated sigh, picking up my phone to mime texting. "Hey Rosé. You don't know me at all and I don't even have your number but we went to the same high school and I'm practically in love with you."
"Why can't you do that? I mean, I'm sure someone you know would have her number. The last part might be a little strong but..." She finally trails off, giggling. "What do I know?"
"Oh my God." I shove her onto her side and she bounces right back up. "You honestly drive me crazy."
"I'm just trying to help. You know that, right?" she asks and I nod. "Okay so if it's a no on Chaeyoung what if I come back down tomorrow and we go shopping or something?"
"Mum..." I pause to gather my thoughts, wanting to make sure I say all the right things. I hate that I want to say yes. And that tells me I have to say this. I just don't want to hurt her feelings too badly. "I need university to be different. Okay?" I look up to meet her eyes. "It's going to be hard enough now for me to figure that out. If you're showing up here all the time I don't know if I'll ever be able to make other friends. And I cannot, I cannot, go through another four years like that."
She looks a little hurt but mostly she looks guilty.
"I know. I know. I'm sorry." She wraps her arms around herself and squeezes tight. "I'll give you some space," she says. I narrow my eyes at her for a second, having a hard time believing that's something she's actually capable of. "I promise!" she follows up, extending her pinkie finger out to me and I finally laugh.
"Okay. At least for a little while," I reply, taking it in mine. "Well, that's everything," my dad announces, appearing in the doorway next to Jin. "What do you think?" he asks.
Now?
This all went by too fast. I was just talking about how much I want things to change. But... not right this minute.
Tears press against my eyes as the goodbye I've been dreading all day lingers in the air.
My mum pushes herself off the floor with a grunt as she straightens out her legs. "I think we're all set. Unless you want me to help you finish folding, Jisoo?" She looks down at me like she's trying so hard to do what I've asked but it goes against everything she's feeling.
I will have a full breakdown if we extend this goodbye any longer than it needs to be.
"You can just go with them. I've got this," I say, motioning to the pile of clothes.
"Are you sure?" she asks.
Not even a little. But instead I say, "Totally."
I give my dad a quick hug knowing that he doesn't like for me to see him get too emotional. But I can still tell he's struggling, widening his eyes so he doesn't cry.
"Good to have you in the city," Jin says with a smile, pulling me in for a one handed bro hug. I am thankful that he lives nearby. "Call me when you want to hang out. And Chu?" he says, already halfway out the door. "Open doors make happy floors." He swings my door all the way open before following my dad into the hall. As if making friends is as simple as opening a door.
But I guess that's because it has been for him. Everything has always been so easy for Jin. Making friends, playing sports. He was somehow even voted prom king.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath as my mom turns around to face me.
"I promise you it's going to get better," she says, resting her hand on my cheek. I step forward, wrapping her in a hug and this time I'm the one holding too tight.
"Okay," I whisper even though it really doesn't feel that way now.
"Okay," she says, her voice quivering as she lets me go and takes a step back into the hall. "Call me later. I love you."
"I love you," I say, biting my cheek until I taste blood. She disappears from the doorway and I turn around to face my new home. My chest tightens at the all too familiar feeling of loneliness except this time I don't have my mum to fall back on. Here I really am alone.
Just focus on the task. Unpack. Organize.
I take a deep breath trying to ignore the lump in my throat as I unfold the flaps of the last cardboard box.
My vision blurs as I reach in and pick up a metal whisk with a note attached in careful handwriting.
Just in case ♥