" Clementine, I've been down on my crime," Tommy sighs as he puts on his trainers. "The crime stonks are going down, Clementine, and that is unacceptable."
Clementine blows a bubble.
Tommy groans, "Oh my fucking- Philza still has my glock. This is terrible. Do you think I can bribe him?"
Clementine does a twirl.
"Yee have little faith, daughter," He scoffs.
_____
"Philza, I am going to do crime things. May I have my gun?" Tommy asks as he enters the man's office. "Please?" He adds because he is actually a gentleman, very charismatic.
Philza looks up from his laptop where he was probably doing epic things. "No, sorry mate."
Tommy frowns. "If I don't have my glock, I can't do crime things efficiently."
"You shouldn't be doing crime things at all," Philza shrugs, "Be back before midnight."
Oh my Philza .
This is a terrible day for the TommyInnit community.
"Can I bribe you?" He questions.
"Mmm no," Philza snorts.
"I can bring you riches beyond your wildest dreams," Tommy promises. He can probably do that.
"You're not having that gun, you shot five people last time," Philza sighs.
"And I'll shoot five less without my glock," Tommy frowns.
"Yeah," Philza stares, "That's the point."
Fuck.
Tommy lets out a sigh of deep agony, running a hand through his hair. "Philza, lord and saviour. You are a wonderful man, truly a gift to this universe. But today, today you are a wrongun. I'm sorry," He tells him sincerely, placing a palm above his heart.
"Okay mate."
_____
Tommy slams the front door angrily as he walks out into the cold, evening air.
It's bullshit, really. That's he's not allowed his gun.
"How am I meant to crime?" He grumbles to his daughter.
Clementine blinks.
"Oh my Philza , you're - you're so high and mighty Clementine," He shouts. " Meh meh meh meh meh crime is bad Tommy. You know what is bad? Your attitude today, I am going to teach you amazing things and you're taking my tutelage for granted. It's disrespectful. You're disrespecting me."
She does a flip.
"No. No. I don't want to hear it," He huffs, "Learn some manners young lady, Henry is better behaved than you."
Honestly, children these days.
The burden of fatherhood is getting to him.
He adjusts his mask.
Right then.
He doesn't need a gun to crime.
He's fucking TommyInnit, the courageous and athletic and handsome and charismatic vigilante.
______
"Who the fuck are you?" Tommy gasps, horrified.
The guy shrugs, "Oh y'know, I'm just a vigilante."
No. No. Absolutely not.
"No you're not," Tommy glares.
"Uh? Yes I am," The guy says, like a fucking loser.
Tommy narrows his eyes, judgemental. He looks the guy up and down before gasping, taking a step back in utter terror and disbelief.
"What is that?" He points to the guy's pocket.
"Huh? Oh that? That's my tadpole, Lemontime. "
Tommy is going to be sick.
"You- you heathen, " He chokes out. "Why is it in a bottle."
"It's my son actually, and that's his home."
Someone call an ambulance.
Someone call a fucking ambulance right now.
"You're copying me!" He screeches.
The guy steps back, "Uh, no, no I'm not. I don't even know who you are dude."
"Liar, you fucking dirty liar boy," Tommy seethes. "What kinda fucking name is Lemontime anyways? You're so fucking stupid. Clementine is superior. I am superior. You are a btec version of me, you're - you're the walmart version of Gucci."
"That- that doesn't even make sense?"
"No, no. You don't make sense," He scowls. "There can only be one vigilante in this world. And it is fucking TommyInnit."
"Woah dude, calm down-"
"No, because you're stealing my brand. I'm - I'm going to sue you. I have many lawyers," He doesn't. Perhaps he could bribe Technoblade?
"Dude I don't even know you!"
Tommy sighs. Enough of this.
He shoves his hand into his pocket, clutching a pen. He stumbles back, folding in on himself.
"C-call an ambulance," He gasps.
"Are- are you okay? What's wrong man?"
"Call an ambulance," He repeats, pulling out the pen. He jabs his finger into it. "But not for me."
______
Anyways.
Tommy whistles as he strolls through the street.
" Clementine, this is actually not pogchamp. Where is the big crime? Remember the good old days, daughter? When I was constantly being hunted down and on the verge of death?" Tommy sighs sentimentally. He almost swoons. "Crime my beloved."
Clementine stares up at him.
Tommy has decided to stop listening to her.
"Hey!"
Tommy pauses, glancing around the desolate street.
What.
"In the alleyway! C'mere!" A voice calls.
Tommy thinks. Hmm. Should he go? It could potentially be a kidnapping. Or it could be an epic mission.
That sounds exciting.
He heads off into the dark alleyway.
"Come closer," A voice whispers.
Tommy grins. It is adventure time.
______
This is not fucking adventure time.
Turns out it was in fact a kidnapping.
Not a very good one.
Tommy glares through his mask, wrists hastily roped together.
"I know you are in cahoots with the heroes," A woman accuses. "Tell me their weaknesses or else. "
This is so fucking boring.
"They have no weaknesses, they are immortal and powerful and omnipresent and will fucking decimate you with a single blow," He states.
The woman glares. "Don't get funny with me, kid. This isn't a game."
Tommy rolls his eyes, "Obviously. You're fucking putting me to sleep. Did you know your voice is annoying?"
The woman falters before her glare deepens. "Shut up, that's not true."
Tommy snorts. "Yeah okay. Annoying voice lady. You sound like shit."
"I do not sound like shit, you fucking brat, " She seethes.
"Prove it. Sing to me," Tommy juts out his chin.
She fumbles. "I- what?"
" Sing. Sing me a song. If your voice isn't shit. Sing Fly me to the moon. "
"No," She frowns.
"Oh? So you're a coward? It's a singing challenge, if you win, I'll tell you their weaknesses. If I win, well," Tommy smirks, "We'll see what happens."
"I'm not a coward and I'm not playing your silly little games, you don't have a choice," She states. "I have the ability of controlling the blood of my victims, I could kill you at any moment."
"Bet."
She stares. "Are- do you just have zero preservation skills?"
"Dunno what that is, but probably," He shrugs. "Anyways, I think you're avoiding the singing challenge. "
"I already told you I'm not fucking doing that!" She shouts.
Tommy raises his tied hands in surrender. "Calm down ma'am, no need to project your anger onto me. Sort that out with your therapist," He advises.
"You are the worst hostage I've ever taken," She whispers.
"Okay?" How is that Tommy's problem? "Singing challenge?" He asks again.
"Oh my god, fine, " She lets out a growl.
Tommy grins. "Alright, pog. The song is Fly me to the moon. Go."
The woman stares before sighing. Hesitantly she starts, " Fly me to the mo-"
"You lose. That was fucking awful," Tommy snorts.
He watches as her face turns scarlet with anger. "I am going to kill you now," She raises her hands and points them towards him.
Tommy stares.
She stares back, eyes narrowing.
"Are you waiting for something?" Tommy questions because he is considerate like that.
"What the fuck?" She whispers, looking down at her hands.
"Should we reschedule? Find another time for this particular kidnapping? I understand if you need to practice-"
"Shut the fuck up. I'm going to strangle you with my bare hands," She says darkly, reaching for him.
Tommy kicks her in the stomach and she falls forward with a wheeze.
Well then.
Tommy brings the rope to his mouth and pulls, bindings unravelling.
"That was so not poggers, Clementine, " Tommy scowls as he stands up, taking out his pen.
He jabs it and twirls the extended baton.
He whacks the woman in the head for good luck.
"Let's get outta here."
______
Tommy shuts the door behind him with a scowl.
He stalks into the living room and slumps over the couch, landing on someone.
"Ugh, get off me," Wilbur groans.
"Wilbur, today was the worst day," He complains, digging his elbow into the man's stomach as he gets comfortable.
"Why are you so fucking bony? Get off me, I don't care."
"I am not bony, I am made of pure muscle," He frowns.
"Yeah okay sure," The man drawls sarcastically. Rude.
"Wilbur I was kidnapped," He complains.
The man sits up so fast, Tommy almost falls off the couch.
"What the fuck? Who?" Wilbur grabs his face with both hands, inspecting the teenager with narrowed eyes.
Tommy squirms. "Some fuckin' woman, I don't know. She had a horrible singing voice."
"Are you hurt?" Wilbur questions, voice tense.
"Calm down, oh my Philza. I'm good big man. She couldn't even tie ropes properly, and she thought she could use me to find out about you guys," He snorts in amusement.
Wilbur does not look amused. If anything, his expression darkens.
Yikes.
"Did she hurt you?" He repeats.
"No, no. I'm too much of a big man-"
" Tommy."
Jeez. Why is he so serious?
"Wil, I'm cool. I'm vibing. She tried to kill me, but I am awesome. I whacked her in the head with my baton like a badass," He grins.
Wilbur stares at him some more, silent.
This is awkward. This is awkward right?
Tommy fidgets.
"Are you gonna let me go or? Cause' this is kinda clingy and-"
Wilbur releases him, "I'm going out," He says, expression stony. "Stay here."
Tommy watches him stalk off, the man grabbing his trench coat and slamming the door behind him.
Yikes.
"He really does have anger issues huh?" He tells Clementine who stares at him.
______
"Technoblade," Tommy shakes the man's sleeping form.
The man grunts.
"Technoblade. Blade. The Blade," He tries again.
"Go 'way," The hero snuggles deeper into his covers.
"Technoblade. Wilbur has anger issues and Philza is doing hero things and I don't know what the fuck Ranboob is doing but I don't care and Micheal is sleeping and Tubbo is doing nuclear things."
There's no response so Tommy continues. "Technoblade, I am bored and bored me is not poggers, can I use your sword for a bit?"
Technoblade opens a single tiny red eye, "No."
Tommy frowns, "Why? I need it. Or else I will probably die."
"Great," The hero nods, falling back asleep.
Tommy's frown deepens. This is terrible. "Technoblade please, I need sword time. I bet your sword misses me, incredibly."
"Don't 'ink so," The man mumbles.
" Technoblade," The teenager whines.
This is so rude and unpogchamp.
He slumps his form over the sleeping man, smothering him.
"Mm get off, child," The man grunts, wriggling under the covers.
"Sword."
"Tommy, If I have to get up," The hero warns.
"Sword."
"Tommy."
"Sword."
______
Phil sighs, rolling his shoulder to work out a crick. He checks his phone for the time as he steps into the penthouse. Three in the morning. Not bad for patrol.
He really hopes Tommy actually came back by midnight.
He walks over to the boy's bedroom, peeking inside.
He suppresses a groan as he stares at the empty bed.
Where is that fucker?
He closes the bedroom door back and walks into Techno's room.
"Tech, I just got back but I've got to go find Tommy because the kid-" He pauses as he takes in the scene.
Techno is fast asleep. That is not unusual, especially on days where he's not patrolling. It's practically his default mode.
It's the boy sleeping on his chest.
Tommy is curled up on the man, drooling onto Techno's sweater, one hand is clutching at the man's sleeve and the other... Phil squints as he looks at the sword in the boy's hand. What the hell?
It's best if he doesn't try to think about it.
Phil leans against the doorframe and finds himself smiling. He lifts his phone and takes a quick picture, sending it to Wilbur before he closes the door behind him gently.
______
Wilbur closes the front door behind him, whistling contendly.
That's that then.
Time to find Tommy. He's overdue Tommy Time.
He checks his phone, squinting in the darkness as he looks at the time. Four-thirty in the morning.
He's about to turn his phone off when he sees a notification from Phil.
He frowns, clicking on it.
The image offends him deeply.
He stalks off, slamming Techno's door open.
How dare he?
He looks at his sleeping brothers and scowls, specifically at his twin.
"Techno," He mutters. The man stirs, blinking his eyes open lucidly.
"Wha?-"
" Jump out the window."