Tommy sighs, flopping back onto his bed. He's never been this bored in his life.
" Clementine, " He starts, turning towards his daughter. "I am feeling not poggers. We need to do something."
Clementine stares at him.
" Clementine, I think we should do more crime."
She blows a bubble.
He frowns, "What do you mean I'm grounded?"
Clementine stares.
"Yeah, no, I don't know where you heard that. I'm not grounded."
He sits up abruptly, grabbing the bottle and slipping on his trainers. "If I was grounded, would I be able to do this?" He questions.
He opens the bedroom window, cold wind welcoming him. He taps his feet together, activating the wings and leaps out into the open air with a grin.
_____
"Tommy, mate, you wanna watch a movie?" Phil knocks on the teenager's bedroom door.
Silence.
He could be sleeping...
Phil shakes his head. This kid doesn't sleep unless he's coerced.
"Tommy? Mate?"
He knocks once more before opening the door.
Phil sighs.
Time to craft a fucking belt.
_____
Tommy sniffs the air with a sigh of relief. The beautiful smell of nature. And pollution.
" Clementine, this is where I belong. In the world, exploring, surviving, stabbing," He explains to his daughter. "I cannot be contained, Clementine, I am like a raccoon."
Clementine does a flip.
Tommy gasps, eyebrows furrowing. "I do not need a rabies shot."
Teenagers these days have so much attitude.
"Anyways," He gives the fish the stink eye, "I am out here to do what I do best. Be pog," He grins before adding, "And stop crime."
Clementine blinks.
"Do not roll your eyes at me young lady, back in my day, if I even thought of talking back to Tubbo, he would get the stick. Do you want the stick? I can give you the st-"
_____
" Clementine, here, we have found a criminal in their natural habitat," Tommy narrates, settling the sprite bottle down as he pulls his hood up. "Watch, as I swiftly capture them. With epicness."
He leaps down from the building towards the dirty, disgusting person.
"Hey, you there! Bitch!"
The person straightens up from where they are stealing from the vending machine. "Wha-? Dude what?" They raise an eyebrow in confusion.
Playing the naive it seems.
"What are your pronouns?" Tommy demands, arms crossed.
"Uh what?" The person frowns. Tommy glares. They inch away slightly, "Uh, she. I'm yeah, she slash her."
"Okay bitch girl. Confess your crimes," He declares.
"What? What crimes? Dude I'm buying a chocolate bar," She gestures to the vending machine.
"Oh yeah?" Tommy questions, raising an eyebrow. "Where's your money?"
She looks at him in confusion, eyes squinting. "It's-? It's in the vending machine?"
She must think this is his first rodeo.
Tommy snorts, "Yeah okay, sure. What chocolate bar you getting?"
She pauses, "...Snickers."
Tommy almost vomits right then and there.
Heathen.
He gags, "Oh god, you're a criminal criminal."
"What? I?-"
He raises a finger, "Shh, shhhh. Please. Have some decency. I need a moment."
"Dude-"
"Shhh!"
God. People these days.
"Who even are you? And why are you calling me a criminal?" She throws her hands up.
Tommy sighs, pinching his nose in ire. He glares at her, hand releasing his nose to reach behind and into his back pocket.
"On any other day, I'm just a charismatic and handsome young man," He shrugs. "But today," He pauses, pulling out his gun.
"Today, I am Glock Wielder Extraordinaire."
He shoots her right in the side, watching in satisfaction as she crumples to the floor.
"Another day, another evil defeated," He sighs.
A plopping sound sends his eyes to the vending machine. He frowns.
He walks closer, kneeling down to the little shoot flap bit. Inside, sits an untouched Snickers bar.
Huh.
She did have money.
Tommy stands back up. He looks down at the figure writhing on the floor and shrugs.
It was deserved.
Probably.
"Sorry for shooting you," He mumbles, "Kinda. I'm kinda sorry for shooting you. No hard feelings right?"
She glares up at him.
Yeah, no hard feelings.
_____
There are many feelings. And all of them are hard. So many hard feelings.
Tommy is being chased by the cops.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck. More shit. Loads of shit. So much shit.
No, literally. There is so much shit.
He's hiding in the dumpsters.
" Clementine, you need to help your father," He hisses.
She blows a bubble.
"No, it doesn't matter that you told me this was a bad idea. Forgive and forget. Forgive and help me," He glares.
She stares.
Tommy huffs, " Clementine, If I die, just know I haven't put anything in your will and-"
"Tommy? Is that you Thomas?"
Oh fuck.
Tommy represses a deep sigh, momentarily closing his eyes.
"Thomas, that you?"
Tommy opens his eyes. "Yes, It's me Big Q."
Quackity pops out from behind a dumpster, grinning. "Thomas, my man, my guy. How you been?"
"Good. Great. Yeah, I'm great, big man. Better than ever in fact," He grunts, standing up from his crouched position. "Actually, y'know what? This place is a bit crowded. I'll leave you to it-"
"What no way man! You can't leave just yet," Quackity laughs, eyes turning sinister. "Especially after you got me arrested."
Tommy throws his hands up in surrender. "Woah, woah. I did not get you fucking arrested man. You lied to me about therapy. Not cool."
Quackity pauses, "Yeah, well. I don't care. You got me arrested."
"The Blade arrested you. Go find him," Tommy retorts, inching out of the alleyway.
"Maybe I'll hold you hostage, for The Blade," Quackity grins.
Oh shit. This is bad.
Tommy pulls out his gun and shoots the drug dealer right in the leg.
"What the fuck! Not again, you dick!" Quackity wheezes.
Tommy shoots him again in the stomach, "Dude, shut the fuck up! You're going to alert the police. Suffer quietly."
Quackity glares up at him, "Hey! Hey! Help! This bastard just shot me!"
The dick!
The absolute snitch.
Tommy sends him the middle finger. "You are the worst. The furthest from pog. The worst man alive," He declares before legging it out of the alleyway.
______
"Son, what are you doing back here?" The officer questions.
Tommy sighs against the cell bars. "Harold, listen-"
"That's not my name," The officer interrupts rudely.
" Harold, listen. I have done nothing wrong. Ever," Tommy explains slowly, "I am incapable of wrongdoings. It's always the other person's fault."
The officer stares at him. "You shot three police officers, a random teenage girl and well- a drug dealer, that one is sort of warranted," The man considers, "But still doesn't negate the fact that you shot five people within an hour."
"You're using all these big words and going meh meh meh ," Tommy rolls his eyes, "They all deserved it one way or another."
"I find that hard to believe."
"Listen, listen. We bonded last time yeah? Remember when you let me go? For free?" Tommy tries to help the man relive the memories. "Remember that?"
"I do. And I'm suddenly regretting the decision."
Tommy scoffs, "C'mon big guy. I'm sorry. Truly I am. For my... actions."
"Your crimes," The officer corrects.
"...Actions," Tommy repeats. "Please let me go. I have a family. A daughter and a wife who love me. They're waiting at home. If I never come back, what then? Do you want to tear us apart? Are you a home wrecker? Do you wreck families?"
"Son, you're - you're like sixteen years old."
"Twenty-five. I am twenty-five," Tommy deepens his voice.
"Yeah, you can't do that. You can't just randomly deepen your voice when I call you out. You're a teenager."
"Do what?" Tommy hums, "I'm not doing anything. My voice was always like this. I have always been this way. A man from birth. Did you know I came out of my mother's womb a grown man? Did you know I popped out just like this? All six foot three? Can you imagine having a six foot three baby? Neither can I, because I was never a baby. Full man. All the time-"
"Stop talking for the love of god," The man sighs.
"I do not love god. The only god is Philza. I love Philza. Actually, can you say for the love of Philza, from now on? It sounds better," Tommy suggests.
It's true. He's right. He's right all the time. Philza, he's so cool. See, it works. Philza is the new term for god. Wait no, he is god.
"Do you have anyone to pick you up?"
Tommy hesitates, "...No."
"So you do."
"No. I don't."
"But you're thinking about it."
Tommy sighs, "Just leave me here."
The officer nods, "Alright."
Tommy stares at him, "What, you're not even going to try and find a way to get me out? Not going to pester me?"
The officer stares back, "Kid, I've aged fifty years talking to you for ten minutes. At this rate, I'll be dead before I reach the door. Goodbye."
And then the fucker just leaves.
Huh.
Well then.
Tommy leans back against the bars. "Well, Clementine, you wouldn't have a knife by any chance?"
Clementine stares at him.
Tommy huffs, "Whatever."
______
Ranboo flicks on the television, humming to himself as the screen blinks to life. He slurps a forkful of spaghetti as he scrolls through the channels.
He settles on Cartoon Network, Steven Universe. He hasn't watched this show in ages.
Ranboo settles back on the couch, burrowing into his dinosaur hoodie.
Living in a penthouse is pretty cool.
"We interrupt this programme with breaking news!"
The screen turns black before blinking back to life. Ranboo frowns. It shows a news reporter outside some vending machine.
The reporter's face is grim. "A teenage girl was shot by a dart gun in this very spot by an 'insane blond boy with anger issues', it was also reported that this criminal has shot four other people, including the police."
Ranboo pauses. Wait.
Surely not.
"He was described as rabid and feral. Apparently wearing a 'white and red hoodie that needs cleaning' and holding a fish hostage in a bottle. Authorities have alerted everyone in the area to be on high alert, and to run immediately if the suspect is found. He has a dart gun-"
Nope.
Ranboo clicks the television off.
Nope. Not today.
______
"So, I like your cow," Tommy hums as he stares at the old woman in the opposite cell to him.
She smiles slowly, "Thank you, young man."
Tommy nods, "What's its name?"
"My baby is called Henry," She pets the cow gently. The little cow leans into her touch. It's kind of cute.
Tommy wants the cow.
"How long have you been here?" He questions.
"Twenty years," She smiles.
Ah.
"Interesting," Tommy nods, "What'd you do?"
Her smile widens, her wrinkles growing, "I killed my wife."
Oh.
"That's uh- hmm, well," Tommy scratches his neck, "That's not pog, to be honest."
"What does pog mean?" She questions.
"Oh, it means like epic, or awesome, or just y'know pog. You make a face like this," He opens his mouth and makes a surprised face. "Like that."
"Young people these days are so weird," She comments.
Tommy rolls his eyes. Okay Linda, at least he didn't kill his lover.
"I want your cow," He announces.
"You can't take my Henry," She holds the cow closer.
Tommy can do what he fucking wants.
It's time for a Pro Gamer Move™️ .
He nods, once, then twice, "Okay, okay," He hums, "Understandable."
She nods, "Henry is my beloved."
Tommy snorts, "Well we know what happens to your beloveds, don't we?"
"What did you just say?" She pauses stroking the cow.
Tommy shrugs, "I'm just saying' maybe Henry would be safer, away from you. No offence." Full offence.
"Are you insulting me?" She narrows her eyes.
"I don't know, am I? Maybe you're insulting yourself."
"...What?"
"You're confused? I wonder why," Tommy hums, "I think this is all a dream and you want to give me your cow."
She stares at him, "I'm not giving you my cow."
"You mean my cow."
"I will kill you."
Woah okay. Philza.
She's insane.
Tommy raises his hands in surrender. "You need to calm down. Have some camomile tea."
"You've antagonized me," She declares.
Jeez. She needs therapy. "Stop blaming me. You're not the main character of your story. I am," Tommy rolls his eyes. "You can't be antagonized. You're a side character at best."
"Do you want to die?"
Why does everyone keep asking him this? "How would you even get to me? We're in different cells?" Tommy raises an eyebrow. He's so intellectual.
"I have my ways."
Oh?
Tommy suppresses a grin. "Show me then. C'mon, kill me. I dare you."
She stands up and fucking bends the metal bars of her cell.
Hoooooly shit.
Tommy grabs his pen out of his pocket because oh my Philza, she may actually kill him.
She stalks towards his cell, bending the bars as well.
"I bet you regret running your mouth now, boy," She smiles.
Tommy jabs his finger into his pen, baton extending.
"I'm taking your cow," He announces and whacks the baton into her head.
She crumples to the floor.
Well then.
Tommy gingerly steps over her body and makes his way towards her cell.
He crouched down to the baby cow. He thinks they're called like, calfs or something. Whatever.
"Hello Henry, I am your father now," He declares, picking the cow up in his arms. The baby nuzzles into his neck.
This is a blessed day. Truly.
He walks out of the cell.
Well that was easy.
He glances back at the other prisoners who are all staring at him weirdly.
"Nice seeing you all, might be back next week or something, bye," He waves.
______
"Tubbo please, put the nuke down," Ranboo sighs as he watches his best friend hold a large nuclear device.
Tubbo grins, "This is everything I've ever needed."
"No, actually, somehow I don't think it is," Ranboo counters.
"Boo, you don't understand, this is amazing. Imagine how much land this could destroy," Tubbo's eyes have a maniacal glint to them.
"I'd rather not," Ranboo shakes his head.
" So much land, " The shorter boy whispers, eyes sparkling.
Oh god.
Ranboo sighs, making his way towards the boy. He picks the teenager up abruptly, nuke falling to the floor as Tubbo goes limp.
"Yeah, we're not doing any of that. Nope. We are going back to the penthouse. Yup. Mhm mhm," He nods to himself as he carries the devil incarnate.
This is fine.
He walks out of the storage room, head ducked low as he tries to go unnoticed by the various heroes loitering the headquarters.
He manages to make it all the way to outside of the headquarters before he bumps into something.
"Uh-" Ranboo lets out a noise of confusion as he almost trips over something squishy.
He hesitantly kicks it away only to recoil when the thing lets out a whimper.
Oh man.
He sets Tubbo down on his feet. The boy springing back.
"Wha- Boo! Did you fucking pick me up- where are my nukes?"
Ranboo shushes him with a raised finger. He points to the ground. Tubbo looks down in confusion.
Ranboo stares down at the blob he kicked, only to gasp.
Oh god. Oh man. Oh jeez.
He kicked a child .
This is terrible.
The little toddler stares up at them, pink hair flopping over their face.
Ranboo crouches down, "Hello small child, I am sorry for kicking you. It was self defence."
_____
Tommy is absolutely vibing.
He's got Henry and Clementine and he's whistling a tune as he strolls down the street.
Surprisingly, nearly everyone he's seen so far, has been running away? He's not quite sure.
Whatever.
"Mmmm Henry, Clementine, this is a good night," He sighs contentedly, "Lets get ice-cream."
"You won't be getting any ice-cream, mate."
Oh fuck.
Tommy barely has time to react before he is thrown over Philza's shoulder.
"Ah, Philza, the best man in the universe. How are you today? I hope you're doing great big man, in fact, I think you should-"
"You're in big trouble mate," The hero says.
Fear.
Tommy feels fear.
"What? But- but Philza- "
"Not a word, Toms."
Yikes.
_____
"So, you shot an innocent teenage girl, a drug dealer, three police officers. Then you knocked out an old woman and stole her cow? Am I getting all of that?" Philza stares at him, arms crossed.
Tommy hugs Henry to his chest, "The old woman was insane."
"You knocked her out and stole her cow," Philza reiterates.
"He's my cow now. My calf. My small moo moo. My cowlette. My calve-"
"Tommy," Philza sighs.
He shuts his mouth, "Sorry."
"You can't do this escaping and causing crime thing anymore, do you understand?"
Tommy frowns, "...yes."
"So you don't understand," Philza concludes. "Tommy, you worried us. Again. Wilbur was about to go on a manhunt. Techno is- I don't know what Techno is doing but he's probably pissed."
"...Where's Wilbur now?"
"I sent him to his room. He was having a fit."
Tommy snorts.
Philza sighs, moving to sit closer to the teenager. "Listen mate, I know you like, doing crime and preventing crime and just being yourself, okay?"
Tommy nods.
"But you can't just up and leave anymore, you have a lot more people who care about you now. Alright?"
Tommy frowns. He hugs Henry tighter.
"We care about you Tommy, so it worries us when you escape. Anything can happen to you."
Philza wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. "I'm not trying to dictate your life. You wanna be fucking feral, that's fine. Just tell us."
Tommy hesitated before nodding. "I'm... sorry."
"It's okay mate," Philza smiles down at him.
Tommy averts his eyes, leaning into the man. "So, we're good?"
Philza hums in amusement, "Yeah, we're good. Also I'm banning your gun until further notice."
Tommy gasps, outraged. "What?!"
"Mate, you shot five people."
______
They meet The Blade on the way back to the penthouse.
"This is Micheal," Ranboo tells the Blade, holding the child up for the hero to see.
The man stares at the child. Micheal stares back blankly.
"Where'd you find 'im?" He questions.
"On the street," Tubbo chirps happily.
"And you're what? Keepin' him? I don't like orphans," The man states.
"Oh no, don't worry. He is not an orphan. He is our child," Ranboo declares.
The Blade stares.
"Me and Tubbo. Together. We have adopted him. He is ours now."
"Okay," The hero shrugs.
Ranboo smiles while Tubbo grins.
"You told anyone else yet?"
"Nope," Ranboo shakes his head, smiling as he bounces Micheal in his arms.
"Alright, let's go home," The hero nods, "You makin' dinner tonight?"
Ranboo shrugs, "If you want?"
The Blade nods, "Yeah. Been craving spaghetti."
Tubbo shudders beside him.
______
"I'm not talking to you, gremlin," Wilbur sulks.
Tommy rolls his eyes as he settles down on the man's bed.
"Wilbur stop being a little bitch boy, I was only gone for like, three hours or something. I got a cow. Henry. Philza's giving him a bath."
Wilbur glares at him, "I hate you, you fucking gremlin. Your hoodie is so ugly and it smells like shit. You're scum."
Woah this guy needs to chill.
"I am not scum," He gasps.
"Scum. Scum boy. ScummyInnit," Wilbur taunt.
Tommy is going to commit crimes against this man. He grabs a pillow and chucks it at him. "This is bullying. You are bullying me."
"Scummy gremlin. Get off my bed, I hate you," Wilbur scowls, catching the pillow and chucking it back at him.
Tommy lets out an 'oof' as the pillow knocks him off the bed. He lets out a groan, "I will call childline on you. I will do it. I will. This is bullying."
"Scum."
"Wilbur you're being a child."
"You are a child."
Tommy frowns, crawling back into the bed. "Wilbur, stop being a pissy bitch boy. I didn't even do anything wrong."
Wilbur stares at him.
Tommy huffs in exasperation. "Okayyy," He drawls, "Sorry for escaping and not telling anyone and making you 'worry'," He says, rolling his eyes as he uses his fingers to make quotations.
Wilbur huffs, "Whatever, I hate you. Come here."
Tommy raises an eyebrow, making his way towards the man.
He lets out a noise of bewilderment as the guy wraps his arms around him, hugging him tightly.
"You're fucking stupid, I hate you," The hero declares.
The mixed signals with this guy.
"Okay, bald man."
"I'm not fucking bald! " He hisses.
Tommy snorts, "You're still in denial? You've been in the first stage for a long time Wilby," He teases.
Wilbur lets out a chuckle, chest rumbling. "You just called me Wilby."
Tommy tenses. He did not. "No I didn't."
Wilbur snickers, "Yes you did," He sings, "You said Wilby, like a baby. You're such a baby. Baby Tommy."
This is terrible. Truly.
Tommy bites him in the arm.
"You fucker-"
______
Techno peeks into Wilbur's bedroom. It's oddly silent.
Ah.
He looks over at the bed, where Tommy and his twin lie. Tommy's head is resting on the man's chest, the rest of his body sprawled out across the sheets. While Wilbur is curled up around the teenager. Both are snoring sleepily.
Techno's mouth quirks upwards.
Huh.
"Wilbur, you've gone soft," He whispers in amusement, eyeing the scene a little longer.
He can't leave Ranboo and Tubbo to their devices for too long, especially with the newest addition.
He turns to leave.
" Jump out the window," Wilbur whispers, voice muffled as he peeks an eye open to glare at him.
Damn it.