" Clementine, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you cannot stop me," Tommy tells his daughter.
Clementine does a slow twirl.
"I don't care about safety," Tommy rolls his eyes, "I live life on the edge- no, no, life lives me on the edge. I am the edge."
Clementine stares at him.
"I don't like the judgement in your eyes, Clementine, " He scowls.
Tommy opens the window, cold, breezy air blowing out. He shivers. This is going to be epic.
" Clementine, are you ready for epicness?" He grins as he grabs the Sprite bottle, wings on his trainers fluttering incessantly.
Clementine blows a bubble.
"I actually do not care what you think," He sniffs before jumping out into the open air.
_____
"Tommy, why're you here?" Technoblade sighs as stares at the teenager, stabbing his opponent absentmindedly. He's such a badass.
Tommy grins, "It's Defenestration Bros™️ time."
"I do not want to be a part of that. At all. I'm literally patrollin', go home," The hero grunts.
Tommy smirks, twirling his baton, "This is going to be the best night of your life, Technoblade. We are going to do so many things."
"I feel like you ain't listenin' to me," Technoblade sheaths his sword back into the holster, criminal lying prone on the pavement. "You need' ta go home before Wil pulls a fit or somethin'."
"No way, I'm patrolling with you today Technoblade. I want to see your epicness in action," Tommy crosses his arms, "I even brought my glock."
"That's-" The hero stares before sighing, "Alright man, just, don't get in my way or anythin', I won't protect you just cause' you're a child."
That is the most offensive thing TommyInnit has ever heard in his life.
"I am not a child," He scowls, "Do not underestimate me Blade, I am pogchamp."
"Stop using that word."
_____
"Please! Please! I'm- I'm not even- I was just trying to take out money!" The criminal cries.
Pathetic. Truly.
Tommy raises his glock higher, hovering just above the ground as his shoes flutter.
"You will pay for your crimes."
The man sobs, "I was just trying to take out twenty pounds, man! I'm not a criminal!"
Tommy scoffs, "Who do you think I am? An amateur? You're naive, for I, am TommyInnit and I, have a Sus Metre. You are so sus right now."
The dirty criminal lets out a noise of bewildered confusion, playing the innocent role like a dirty liar. "I-? I don't even know how to respond to that?!"
Tommy shrugs, "Don't worry, you'll have all the time to think of a response in prison. "
"What?! Dude, who the fuck even are you?" The guy frowns before his eyes widen, "Wait, wait, I know you!"
Tommy smirks, "Yes, I'm quite famous around the parts for my awesome vigilantism and-"
"You were on that billboard!"
Tommy's entire world freezes. The colour drains from his eyes. His arm falls limp by his side.
"What... did you just say?" He murmurs.
"I recognize your voice, you- you- hah- " The man laughs, "You sang that Bruno Mars song, oh my god, that was so-"
Tommy sighs.
He raises his gun again and shoots the guy right in the stomach.
No one. No one is allowed to mention that.
"Tommy, what the hell are you doin'?" Technoblade rounds the corner, pausing as he stares between the guy writhing in pain on the ground and Tommy who stares, unseeing, into the distance.
"I did what I had to do."
_____
"The guy was tryin' to get money out of his own account. You technically just commited unprovoked physical assault," Technoblade explains as he checks the man's wallet.
"I was provoked," Tommy says simply.
Technoblade glances over at him, raising an eyebrow.
"He mentioned unspeakable things," He tells him before adding, "Can we steal his wallet?"
Technoblade contemplates it, looking between the man and the wallet in his hand before sighing. "Nah, gotta be a hero or somethin'."
Tommy rolls his eyes.
_____
"Technoblade, I want to see Real Crime," Tommy announces as they sit on the edge of a building.
"Eh, I'd rather not. That's effort."
" Real Crime . This is boring. We need adventure. "
"No, I like this actually. I'd prefer not to do any work."
"C'mon Blade, we can't just sit here all night."
"Actually, we can."
"That's boring. Not poggers. You're so not poggers right now. I'm going to speak some crime into existence."
"Please don't."
"Crime."
_____
Tommy may or may not have cursed them with the epicness of Real Crime .
He huffs, dodging the swing of an axe towards his head.
This woman has whole weapon for a hand. That's so cool.
She swings again and he yelps, bending backwards to keep his neck intact.
If only she wasn't trying to kill him.
"I-" He pants, "I feel like if you just stopped for a fucking minute, you'd see I'm actually quite handsome and charismatic and you'd reconsider killing me."
The woman scowls, "Stop talking kid."
Rude.
"Tommy, can you try stayin' alive, thanks," Technoblade grunts from a distance as he battles like, several criminals at once.
"Oh sorry Technoblade, sorry for the inconvenience of my possible death," He rolls his eyes as he ducks another hit. Honestly...
"Kid, shut the fuck up. Can't you just cry or some shit?" The woman glares.
"I haven't cried in years. I am incapable of tears. I forgot what crying even feel- Clementine, shut up," Tommy scowls at his daughter before clearing his throat, "Anyways, yeah, can't cry. I'm a big man. Also, I can't take you seriously when you have a fucking axe for a hand."
The criminal lunges for him and his trainers spasm as they try to lift him off of the ground. Tommy falls to the pavement with a wince.
The woman hovers above him, hand raised.
"No but, like, seriously, real talk, how do you eat? Or do anything? Is that why you're a dirty crime lady? Are you looking for a hand transplant? But, like, who would give their hand to you?" He questions, genuinely interested.
The woman pauses, "Do you- do you like, want to die?"
Tommy frowns, "No, what the fuck."
She stares at him.
He stares back.
She stares some more. "There's something wrong with you."
Okay, now that was really rude. The bitch doesn't even know him.
"I find that extremely offensive," He informs her.
"I'm going to kill you now."
Okayyyy. This conversation took a complete turn.
That was just unexpected. He thought they were bonding. They were probably bonding.
"You need therapy," He advices.
Well, he's lived a pretty cool life. Clementine still has nothing in his will.
On the bright side, he'll never taste Ranboob's cooking again.
He's undoubtedly going to hell.
He watches as she brings her arm down, closing his eyes as he braces for the impact.
"Yeah, maybe don't do that."
The voice is cold and clipped.
Tommy gasps, eyes opening as looks up at Technoblade who stands above them, sword poised above the woman.
The woman is frozen still, sideways on the ground, limp.
Tommy breathes out a sigh of relief, "Oh Technoblade, I thought I was a goner, I ran out of darts a while ago and the trainers stopped workin-"
He lets out a noise of surprise as he is abruptly pulled off of the ground and smushed into the hero's chest.
"Uhhhh?"
"God, Tommy, just be quiet," The man sighs.
Tommy is so confused right now. Clementine help him.
"You okay there, big guy?"
"Quiet."
"But-"
"Quiet."
"You're being kind of clingy right now Technoblade and I think that's cringe," Tommy tries.
"I just watched a woman nearly chop your head off," The man deadpans, "Phil and Wil would have killed me if anything happened to you."
"I'm fine, I'm actually pogging right now because I am alive. Don't worry."
"I'm not worried."
"Then can you let me go?"
"...No."
______
"What?!" Tommy screeches, outraged. "We are not going home, what the fuck big man?! We are having Defenestration Bros™️ time."
Technoblade stares at him, "I can't babysit you. I don't have the emotional capacity."
"You don't have to babysit me! I am powerful and strong," He declares.
"Yeah, we're going home."
"No. We are not."
"Yeah, we are."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
______
"Who're you exactly?"
Tommy clears his throat, "I, am Theo, the seventeenth and this, is my brother uh-"
"Billiam," Technoblade supplies.
The receptionist looks between them. "Right... So, Theo and... Billiam?"
"Theo is short for Theseus," Technoblade adds.
"Uh huh," The receptionist nods, "And how do you know the hosts?"
"We are their estranged cousins, from, Dicksonville," Tommy answers before adding, "It's a secluded island. You wouldn't have heard about it."
The receptionist stares at them. "Yeah, I'm just going to need to call security because-"
Technoblade raises a finger, silent, as he slips a hand in his pocket and pulls out a gold ingot. He slides it across the desk.
"I? What?" The receptionist balks.
"Gold," Technoblade explains, "Take it."
"I? We? Are you trying to bribe me?"
"Is it working?" The hero questions.
"No?"
"You don't sound so sure," Tommy buts in. "I think we are bribing you, and I think it is working. Take the gold. We are estranged cousins from Dicksonville."
Technoblade nods, "That's true."
______
"I can't believe we actually got in, Technoblade."
"Yeah, but the bribery didn't even work," The hero rolls his eyes.
Tommy dusts himself as he climbs through the bathroom window. "I knew the gold wasn't enough. They're millionaires or somethin'."
"Gold is always enough," Technoblade scowls.
"Not for this one," Tommy sighs before grinning, "But it doesn't matter because we are fucking pog and we are in. Isn't that right Clementine?"
Clementine gapes.
"You never agree with me anymore," Tommy huffs.
______
"So, who's the leader?" Tommy whispers to Technoblade.
"I think it's that one over there," The man shrugs.
Tommy follows his eyes to a drunkard. Oh god. "He's just a wrongun, there's no way he's the leader."
"Nah, I'm pretty sure that's him."
Tommy adjusts his masquerade mask, "How do we kill him?" He whispers.
"We're not killin' anyone, Tommy," Technoblade sighs, "Just gotta arrest 'im."
"I bet you want to kill him," Tommy encourages.
"Murder is wrong and I am a hero," Technoblade deadpans. It sounds rehearsed.
"You totally want to kill him," Tommy narrows his eyes.
The hero shrugs, "I want to kill everyone."
_____
"Are you looking for someone?" A small lady questions, smiling at them.
Tommy clears his throat, "We are looking for the hosts?"
"Oh?" The lady tilts her head, "What business do you have with them?"
"Important," Technoblade says.
"...Important?" She questions.
"Yes," Tommy and Technoblade say simultaneously.
The lady smiles, albeit a bit oddly, "Right, well then. I am one of the hosts, Niki. Thank you for coming to our event, although," She pauses, eyes flickering dangerously, "I don't remember inviting you."
Shit.
It's time for a Pro Gamer Move™️.
"I don't remember you inviting us either," Tommy grins. Reverse psychology pog.
"He didn't mean to say that," Technoblade intercepts. "We are your estranged cousins."
"Oh?" Niki smiles, "My parents were only children."
"Or were they?" Tommy counters like an absolute genius.
Niki frowns, "Yes, they were."
"Listen, Niki, I think they lied to you," Tommy breaks the news to her softly, sympathetically.
"Uh, anyways, where are the other hosts?" Technoblade pushes Tommy aside.
Niki stares at them, lips pursed, "There's only one other host, Schlatt."
"Could we meet him?"
Niki glances behind her, surveying the crowd of people before turning back to them. She smiles sweetly, "Sure, why don't we find a private room?"
Tommy nods, "Yes, yes, I think that would be appropriate-"
"Theseus," Technoblade starts, placing a hand on the teenager's chest, "You stay behind."
Oh hell no.
He scowls, "Billiam, why ever would I do that?"
Technoblade narrows his eyes, "You can entertain the guests while the hosts are momentarily occupied."
He's using him as a distraction. How dare he? This is utterly unacceptable. Tommy wants crime.
"But-"
"No," Technoblade's tone is stern and final.
Fuck. Ughhhhhhhhhh.
"Fine," Tommy smiles, discreetly giving the hero the middle finger. "I'll 'entertain' the guests, Billiam."
______
"So, shit huh?" Tommy starts, standing on the raised platform. The guests all stare at him.
"Isn't it crazy that we all take shits? Like, it's such a universal topic. There are so many ways to take a shit," He explains, "In fact, years ago, my best friend and I, created a shit tier list. There are tiers to how good a shit can be y'know?"
Someone coughs.
"Like, uhhhh, you!" He points to a random man in a dark suit, "You look like the type to have runny shits, like, I bet you have diarrhea or something."
He vaguely hears someone gag.
"Not that there's anything wrong with diarrhea," He amends, "Diarrhea pogchamp. It's just lower on the tier scale, I'd say about a D. But y'know what my favourite shit is?" He grins, "It's them ones where you only need to wipe once. Those are S tier. Like especially when-"
Someone throws up.
______
Ranboo hums under his breath as he enters an alleyway.
"Well, well, we were wondering when you were going to pay us a visit," A voice echoes.
Ranboo walks deeper into the alleyway, meeting the glowing eyes of feral beings. "You know what I'm here for."
A small teenager steps out, holding a plastic bag. "Freshly made."
He smiles, "Thanks, Eight, what do I owe you guys?"
Eight pauses, eyes turning ominous, "I need info."
Oh man.
"Info? On what?" He raises an eyebrow.
"There's a traitor among us," They whisper, "Spilling our secrets. Telling others the recipe to our spaghetti."
Oh heck. That is not good.
Ranboo frowns.
"Has anyone been acting.... strange? Anyone you think that's a suspect?" They stare at him intensely.
Ranboo hums in concentration, "It could be... " He gasps, "Tommy?"
They all gasp.
Eight nods, "Thank you for your help."
"Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti," They chant.
Ranboo nods solemnly, "Spaghetti," He says.
______
"So... yeah, that's why I no longer shit sitting down," Tommy concludes as he hears a loud crash from a distance.
Technoblade better not be pogging without him.
"Uh," He coughs, "Anyways, thanks everyone for coming to my ted talk. Was great seeing you all. Uh, I'm going to go now."
He grabs Clementine and dashes for the exit.
Time to find his Defenestration Bro™️.
" Clementine, help, what room are they in?" He whispers to his daughter.
She nods towards the left. What a godsend. Truly.
"Thank you my daughter."
Tommy shuffles his feet a bit to activate the wings. They flutter steadily and he leans forward to zoom down the corridor. It's kinda pog.
He can hear a violent argument commencing behind one of the doors.
Can't believe they're having fun without him.
Settling Clementine down by the floor, he puffs out his chest and kicks the door open.
"Hello, fuckers. The biggest man is here," He announces only to pause.
The Schlatt guy is knocked out in a corner, drooling while Niki has a blade pressed to Technoblade's throat.
What the fuck.
"Are you dying without me?" Tommy gasps, offended.
Technoblade glares at him, "Get outta here, Tommy."
No way.
Niki smiles over at him, "You should listen to him, Tommy, or was it Theo?"
He needs to do a Pro Gamer Move™️ and he needs to do it now.
Tommy glances around the room, frantically looking for a weapon. His baton is no match for her.
He looks over to Technoblade. Technoblade narrows his eyes before looking over at his feet.
Tommy follows his gaze to his sword, lying on the floor.
Oh. Lets fucking go.
Tommy smothers his grin, as he steps towards them casually.
"It's TommyInnit, Sword Slicer Professionalist," He grins, foot stepping out to press on the tip of the handle, sending the sword into the air and into his waiting palm.
He watches the way Niki's jaw falls slack and the way Technoblade smirks.
He does a really epic, really cool, spin of the handle before he extends the blade towards the woman, swinging it at her.
It grazes her bare arm and sends her sprawling along the marbled tiles, paralyzed.
"God," Tommy sighs, "I am so fucking cool. Did you know that Technoblade? Did you know that I am the fucking coolest person alive? Did you know that I just saved your life-"
His brain malfunctions as hand settles upon his head. He slumps into the hero.
He hears Technoblade snort as he looks down at him, eyes oddly fond.
"You did good, Theseus, you did good."
______
"The food here is pretty good," Tommy comments as they feast on the buffet. Technoblade had scared off the rest of the guests with various, vague threats that he wouldn't be held accountable for.
Technoblade nods as he bites into a baked potato.
"I did a really interesting talk about shit while you were busy losing," Tommy tells him, biting into a chicken wing. "You wanna hear?"
Technoblade shakes his head, "No thanks."
Tommy shrugs, "Your loss I guess," He pauses, "Wait, who was the mafia leader?"
"The woman."
"I knew it!" Tommy nods, "Niki was badass even though she was trying to kill you. That Schlatt guy could never be the leader."
Technoblade nods.
"This was a good night I think, let's do it again sometime," Tommy decides.
"Absolutely not."
______
"Let me get this straight," Wilbur glares at his twin, arms wrapped protectively around Tommy. He has no idea why they are all so clingy.
"You, let him , go on an undercover mission to take down a mafia leader," Wilbur concludes.
Technoblade nods from his position on the couch, cushion placed over his face. "Yup," He answers, voice muffled.
"Wilbur, Wilbur," Tommy grins, "I used his sword. "
"You what?" Wilbur tenses.
"It was so pog."
" Techno-"
"I just finished patrol dude, I'm tryna sleep," The man groans.
" Dive out the balcony."
Tommy salutes the hero as he falls. What a legend.