Tommy inhaled deeply as he stares at the front door, Clementine held tightly in his clenched fingers.
"Are you... going to open the door?" Technoblade drawls from behind him.
Tommy hushes him, waving a dismissive hand. He's mourning.
"Yeah, mate, we've been standing outside for half an hour," Philza chimes in tiredly.
"I'm grieving ," Tommy huffs, "I- I just need a few more minutes, I'm nearly finished with depression."
"That the last stage?" Wilbur huffs, crossing his arms.
Tommy turns around to frown at the man. "No, I must reach acceptance."
"Well fucking hurry up," The hero rolls his eyes.
"You can't speedrun grief, Wilbur, that's just unhealthy," Tommy sighs in disappointment. Honestly, he's so uncultured.
Wilbur glares at him. "You're unhealthy, open the fucking door."
"I'm still going through my depression stage," Tommy glares back before turning to Philza, "Philza, tell him I'm going through my depression stage."
"Uh, he's going through his depression stage, Wil," Philza shrugs, shoulders slumping in exasperation.
"I'll kick the door down?" Technoblade offers.
" No!" Tommy hisses. "I- just give me a goddamn minute and I'll reach acceptance."
"You got five minutes," Wilbur grits out.
"You can't put a time on grief, you dick," Tommy scowls.
" Five minutes," The man repeats menacingly.
Tommy purses his lips, "Fine," He concedes.
He looks down at Clementine in his arms and prays.
" Clementine," He starts in a whisper, "Oh Clementine, please save me. I know you can do it, you have to save me, I don't think I'll make it if Tubbo gets his hands on me-"
Clementine blows a bubble.
"No, no, Clementine, listen. You need to save me-"
"I think he's gone back a step," Philza sighs behind him.
"Yeah, he's bargainin' again," Technoblade agrees.
"I'm not regressing," Tommy seethes, "I - I'm just, reaching acceptance," He pauses, "Slowly."
Clementine does a flip.
"I don't think that will work this time my daughter," Tommy sighs.
He takes a deep breath, standing to his full height as he turns back towards the three heroes.
"Soldiers, the greatest of mankind, and Wilbur," Tommy addresses, "This may be the end of me. You may have to carry on my legacy, carry on the pillar that I have built in this land, forage the fields for the fruits of my labour and conquer, in my name," He presses a fist to his chest.
The heroes stare at him.
"It was great knowing all of you," He sighs, "Except you Wilbur," He ignores the middle finger sent his way. "May you remember my legacy, my amazing quotes, my badass vigilantism and most of all my name-"
"TommyInnit!"
Oh fuck.
He didn't even manage to finish the final stage.
_____
Ranboo does not want to be a part of this.
He very much does not want to be a part of this. He wants you all to know this.
He smothers a sigh as he hears Tubbo let out a shout of rage, followed by a scream from Tommy.
It seems that the chaos has started.
Ranboo stirs his spaghetti once more before turning off the pot. He may as well see what's happening.
He peaks out of the living room to glance at the doorway.
"Oh man."
Tubbo appears to be... ? He can't explain what he's doing to Tommy. It shouldn't be physically possible.
"SAVE ME!" The victim screams, eyes locking with Ranboo's.
Ranboo immediately averts his eyes. Nope. He's about to turn away when he notices three tall, imposing men standing outside the door.
Okay then.
He squints.
Is that?
The winged hero Philza waves a hand in greeting, smiling amicably. "Hello mate."
Ranboo slowly waves back.
What the heck.
_____
Tommy sits stiffly at the dinner table.
Tubbo glares at the heroes. "Why are you here?"
"What? No autograph requests?" Wilbur tries, smirking.
Tubbo's glare intensifies.
Wilbur inches away slightly.
"Sorry about this mate, we are Tommy's um," Philza pauses in thought, pressing finger to his chin.
"New roommates," Technoblade states simply, arms crossed as he stares at Tubbo.
Tubbo stares and stares, before turning to Tommy, "Get them out of our house."
"Apartment," Ranboo chimes in.
Tubbo raises a hand, "Not now, Boo."
"Wait, I'm your new roommate?" Tommy turns to the heroes, eyes widening in bewilderment.
What the fuck is happening?
" Tommy," Tubbo hisses, "You're not going with them."
Wilbur places his arm around the teenager's shoulder, dragging him into a half-hug, "Actually, yeah, he's ours now."
Tubbo stands up abruptly, fingers splayed across
the dining table. "No, he's not."
Wilbur stares back, "Yes, he is."
Tubbo grabs Tommy's arms, yanking him across the table. He lets out a yelp at the sudden movement. "He's mine."
"Mine," Wilbur glares.
"Fuck off, you dick," Tubbo scowls.
"Fine, I will and I'll be taking him with me," Wilbur smirks.
Oh my god, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck-
"No the fuck you won't," Tubbo pulls Tommy closer.
"Uh-" Tommy starts.
"Shut up Tommy," They both say simultaneously.
Well okay then.
"Um, how about we have some dinner and talk about this civilly?" Ranboob suggests.
Tommy almost sighs in relief when they both pause.
He never thought he'd even think about this... but Ranboob may be his saviour.
_____
"Uh, so," Ranboob starts, awkwardly smiling at the table. "How did you all meet?"
"Crime," Tommy supplies simply as he inspects his plate.
Huh. Pie.
Maybe Ranboob isn't so bad.
Tubbo crosses his arms, "Well that's just amazing isn't it?"
"Well, how did you and Tommy meet?" Wilbur challenges, raising an eyebrow.
Tubbo glares, "Can't remember, it was many, many years ago. Childhood friends. Practically brothers. You wouldn't understand."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
" Yeah?"
" Yeah."
"Oh my fucking god," Tommy exclaims, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Tubbo throws his hands in frustration. "I don't know, Tommy, maybe the fact that three grown men are trying to kidnap you?"
"Tubs, calm down," Tommy snorts, "They don't want me. I'm pretty sure this is all a joke."
Tubbo stares at him in disbelief.
There's silence.
Tommy frowns, glancing around the table. "Right? It is a joke right?"
The heroes stare back at him.
"There's no way you guys actually want me as a roommate," Tommy whispers, " I don't even want me as a roommate and I'm fucking pogchamp."
Philza smiles at him, "It'd be cool to have you around mate. We could get you your own room and everything."
Tommy stares.
They are serious.
Oh god.
This wasn't part of his master plan. What was his master plan? Does he have a master plan?
" Clementine, help," He hisses at his daughter. She stares at him.
"What? No!" He glares, outraged.
She gapes.
" Clementine, you are not being pog right now," He bemoans.
"You should give him to us, you don't treat him right," Wilbur declares.
Tubbo stares at the hero, "You are a hero, aren't you meant to like, capture him?"
That's true.
Tommy nods, "Yeah, he was like, trying to kill me for a while."
Wilbur glares at him.
Tubbo raises an eyebrow, "Why would I let you take him? You might murder him."
Wilbur points a finger at the teenager, " You defenestrate him on a weekly basis."
Tubbo scoffs, "It's called discipline. Don't question my methods of parenting."
Tommy frowns in confusion, turning to Clementine. He leans in, "When did Tubbo become my dad?" He whispers. Clementine blinks slowly.
"Huh."
"How old are you exactly? Tubbo?" Philza questions, eyes warm.
Tubbo shifts, position defensive, "I don't see why that matters actually."
Philza places his hands out in surrender, "Just a question, I just wanna get to know you."
Tubbo furrows his brow, eyes narrowing before his shoulders relax slightly, "Eighteen."
"That's a lie," Ranboob chimes in with a smile.
Tubbo elbows him in the gut. "Nineteen," He corrects.
Ranboob coughs, "Also a lie."
Tubbo smiles, jaw clenched, "Be quiet, dear."
Tommy frowns, "Since when do you call him dear?"
They both shrug.
That's unacceptable.
"No, now that I think about it, you also got matching hoodies, without me," Tommy seethes. Rightfully so. How dare they strengthen their friendship behind his back?
" Maybe , we could have gotten them together, if you were here ," Tubbo glares, "I bet you were with your heroes."
Tommy squawks, defensive. "Fuck you. I was not with them. I was trying to buy fucking Mcdonald's because all this two-toned bitch boy makes is spaghetti!"
"Well yeah! All he fucking makes is spaghetti and I hate it too! But you keep leaving without telling me, you dick!"
"You hate my spaghetti?-"
"Well if I tried to leave, you'd probably say no! Because Tommy, meh meh meh, meh meh meh, you're sick, meh meh meh!"
"Don't mock my voice! I was worried for you, you little shit! I put up the posters again!"
"Yes! I saw! Right before you broadcasted my face on a fucking billboard!"
"I just don't want you to escape again! You fucking idiot!"
"Well I just want you to pay more attention to me!"
"I'm sorry for ignoring you sometimes!"
"I'm sorry for constantly leaving without telling you!"
"Okay!"
"Okay!"
"Why are we still yelling?!"
"I don't know!"
_____
"So, now that you have both... " Philza pauses, "Made up? I don't really know what that was to be honest, but yeah, it happened. Now that we are all... calm - lets use the word loosely, how old are you actually Tubbo?"
Tubbo stares, "Nineteen."
Philza sighs, "No, god," He whispers to himself, head in hands, "I know that's a lie, mate. How old are you?"
Tubbo huffs, "Seventeen."
Tommy snorts, "He's sixteen."
Tubbo glares, "I'm closer to seventeen than you are."
"I'm sixteen too," Ranboob chimes in with a grin.
"Shut up," Tubbo and Tommy say simultaneously.
"So..." Philza frowns, "All three of you... live here?"
Tommy shrugs, "Ranboob is optional. Like an add on. We are thinking of getting rid of him soon."
"No we're not," Tubbo says.
Tommy sniffs, "He's optional," He repeats.
"Please don't talk about me like an ingredient in a Subway sandwich. I am not optional."
"So let me get this straight, you are all minors, living by yourself, here?" Philza frowns.
They all nod.
"Where do you get your income?" Technoblade raises an eyebrow.
"Through legal means," Tubbo smiles.
"That sounds suspiciously illegal," Wilbur narrows his eyes.
Tubbo smiles.
Philza's frown deepens, "How many bedrooms are there here?"
"Our bedroom," Tommy says.
"I- What? I said how many?"
"Our bedroom."
"I- okay mate. I'm going to assume there is only one," Philza sighs, voice tired.
Yikes. The man looks stressed. Tommy is concerned for him.
"You doing okay big man? You need therapy? I can give you a referral?" Tommy offers. He can't give a referral, but he thought it'd be nice to say.
Philza stares at him, "No, Toms, I'm good. Thank you."
Eh, each to their own. Tommy shrugs, "Alright."
"Phil, are we still keeping him?" Wilbur asks, eyes narrowing. "Because-"
" Yes, Wil. We are keeping him," Philza rolls his eyes.
Wait. What.
"I actually have no idea what's going on," Tommy confesses. "Are you kidnapping me again? Because sorry but I don't think I can go this time."
"You don't have a choice," Wilbur's eyes turn red.
"Wil, Jesus fucking Christ, stop," Philza slaps the man upside the head, "No threatening the child. You're supposed to be a hero."
"We are not letting him go," Wilbur whines, "Phil, look at him, Phil, Phil, look at this," The man reaches across, placing his hand in Tommy's hair.
Tommy slumps in the chair, going boneless. He tries to glare up at the hero, but finds himself leaning into the touch.
This is humiliating.
" Look at that Phil. We have to keep him. We know his off switch," Wilbur states, fingers running through the boy's hair. Tommy lets out a sigh.
"He's right Phil," Technoblade nods, "We have claimed him."
Philza stares at them, eyes softening when he looks at the teenager, "Ugh, you guys are so fucking feral."
"Woah, Tommy has an off switch like Tubbo," Ranboob gasps.
"He has one too?" Philza raises an eyebrow.
"I do not," Tubbo frowns.
"Tubbo, stand up," Ranboob orders.
"Wha? But-"
"Up."
Tubbo lets out a long suffering sigh before standing up.
Ranboob grins, "Watch this."
They all watch as the tall boy puts his hands under Tubbo's armpits and lifts him off the ground.
Tubbo deflates, going still.
"See? I do this when he's being feral and making stupid decisions," Ranboob says happily, "He was trying to make a bomb out of the remote control yesteday."
Technoblade grins, "I like him."
Philza sighs.
_____
"How about shared custody?" Technoblade proposes as they actually start to eat their dinner.
"Okay, you get him for one day a week. No, once a fortnight," Tubbo agrees, eating a chip.
Wilbur frowns, "There is a large imbalance."
"I will call the police on you," Tubbo smiles, "I will call the police and tell them that you kidnapped a minor. I will then take your headquarters to court for misuse of authority, and I. Will. Win."
Wilbur turns to Philza, "He is no child."
"Wait, why am I being shared?" Tommy frowns.
"Shhh Tommy."
Okay rude.
He stabs his fork into his pie, taking a chunk. He lifts his fork, only to blanch.
He lets out a gasp, shocked and betrayed. His stomach churns. He might be sick.
"Spaghetti?! In the pie?!"
_____
"I just don't understand why we can't have a meal without those fucking cursed noodles!"
"You didn't have to stab him, Tommy!"
Tommy scowls.
He glances over at Ranboob, who is sniffling, teary eyed.
It was only a fork.
"I think the spaghetti was a nice addition," Technoblade shrugs.
Tommy glares at him, "Don't you pick that slenderman's side. He's pure evil. "
Technoblade snorts, "He's crying because you stabbed him with a fork."
"It's a ruse," Tommy sniffs.
"Uh huh," The hero nods, unconvinced.
Ranboo sniffs into Tubbo's shoulder. "I just love spaghetti."
Tubbo sighs, "I know Boo, I know."
_____
"Would, you, uh, like to stay, for dessert?" Ranboo offers, staring just past Philza's eyes.
The man is intimidating.
Philza smiles, "Sure, thank you mate, sorry for imposing in your place all of a sudden."
Wow, this man is too nice.
Ranboo shakes his hands, "No, no, you are good. It's all good. Mhm, mhm. I'll just, go get it. You guys can go to the living room."
"Let me help you," Philza offers, standing up from the table. "The rest of you can go."
"Oh you don't have to-"
"I want to," Philza smiles.
Ranboo may just cry.
"Ok," He nods and then nods again.
The others filter out of the kitchen in varying degrees of chaos. Tommy jumping onto the Willow's back for some reason, the man screaming in alarm as Tubbo tells the Blade about his remote bomb.
"So, how long have you been living here?" Philza asks as he packs up the plates.
Oh man.
This is an interrogation.
Ranboo shrugs, focusing on picking up the cups, "A few weeks I think, nearly a month."
"Where were you before?"
Ranboo shrugs, "Places."
Philza stares at him. Ranboo shifts.
"Cool," The man says.
Ranboo nods, "Cool."
Philza's eyes soften, "Where's the dessert?"
______
"We had to get a new remote because the other one was deca- decap-"
"Decapitated," Ranboob supplies for Tubbo.
Tubbo nods, "Yeah that."
Philza nods, "That's interesting. Why don't we find a film to watch?"
Tommy nods, "Moa-"
"No," Tubbo and Wilbur say together. They look at each other, eyes widening before they nod in understanding.
Tommy scowls from his position on the floor, bowl of ice cream resting on his knees precariously.
"Moana is good," He grumbles.
"What about the Bee movie?" Tubbo suggests, sitting next to Tommy, legs criss-crossed.
"No," Tommy and Ranboo declare at once.
Huh. Tommy nods, "It's one of the worst movies invented."
Tubbo frowns, shoving a spoon of his ice cream into his mouth. "I think it's good."
"You think arson is good," Ranboo sighs.
"What about Zootopia?" Philza suggests. He is a man of culture, of course he is. God, Tommy loves Philza.
"Yes, Philza, of course Philza," He says.
Tommy hears Wilbur scoff from the couch.
"Alright," Philza sighs, "Now lets all just shut the fuck up."
_____
Phil glances down at the floor, all three teenagers slumped against each other, sleeping peacefully.
"Look at how cute they are," He hums.
Wilbur scowls, "Tubbo is a demon. I hate him."
"But he's so tiny," Phil smiles.
"He's terrifying," Techno whispers, eyes glinting with approval.
"I think he's cute," Phil shrugs.
"You think every child is cute," Wilbur rolls his eyes.
"Just look at Ranboo, he's so long and awkward. How can you dislike him?" Phil justifies.
Techno nods, "He's right, the kid's long and awkward. But he's alright, I like im'."
Wilbur huffs, "We came here for Tommy. I want Tommy."
"But we can't just leave these two," Phil gestures to Tubbo and Ranboo.
"Oh god," Wilbur groans, "You're soft already. This is terrible. Stop trying to adopt every child you meet."
"Tommy won't go anywhere without Tubbo. And Tubbo won't go anywhere without Ranboo," Techno states.
" No. Don't enable him, Tech," Wilbur glares at his twin.
"Tommy and Tubbo are a package. Ranboo and Tubbo are a package. They are all packages," Techno shrugs.
" No. I refuse. I don't like that devil incarnate," Wilbur hisses.
"Eh, I think he's cool. 'Can create bombs."
"You just want violence," Wilbur narrows his eyes.
Techno smirks lazily, "You caught me."
"You dick, we are keeping Tommy and Tommy only. I can only handle one child."
"We need someone to keep Tommy in line. And then we need someone to keep Tubbo in line," Techno hums.
" No. This is not happening. We are not adopting three children. One gremlin is a fucking 'nough"."
"I think it'll be fun," Techno grins.
"I hate you. No. Jump out the kitchen window. Immediately."
Phil just shakes his head. "Wil... "
What has he gotten himself into?