I tell Gramma. "Oh," She gasps.
You're happy, now? You wanted this to happen. You wanted her to--she pulls me into a tight squeeze emptying my thoughts with you're okay and everything's gonna be okay.
Last week, at the funeral, I took her favorite pictures and stick them into my mirror. Shit, how could she be so selfish? Why couldn't she just hold on? I pull up to the lot as rain splashes the windows of my car with Indie sitting next to me. She gives me my backpack saying, "Is everything...okay? I didn't see you at school yesterday and you're not...yourself."
I don't answer I just get out and open her door. "Shit, I forgot my jacket." She covers herself with her arms around to shield her from getting wet from the rain.
"Here." I hand her an extra one I fight my trunk for.
"Thanks but I'm wet." Her frizzy hair is draped and so are her clothes.
"Sorry," I think.
"It's not your fault. You can't control the weather."
I just look at the ground wondering if I will ever be okay. She hugs me and kisses my neck. I needed that. "Come on, let's go inside, okay. It'll be okay." She kisses my hand and holds it. She makes me happy, but I definitely need a counsoler.
In PE, she sits beside me. "I asked my uncle if I could go to your house because..." She takes a moment to think. A long moment.
"Because..." I drag the word out.
"Uh...because you're my friend and I don't think Alaska likes me."
"Why do you say that?"
She shows me her text that says "seen" at its bottom.
"Well, she never texts me either. And she's like a little sister to me." I hope so. I wish I could back in time to the moment we dated. I wish I'd never done that. I sigh hoping she'll just grab me and pull me in close, but I don't even know if she likes me like that. I shake the thought of having a chance with her out of my head. She has on a baggy lifeguard shirt and leggings that show every curve on her legs, "do you ever swim or run track?" I say before I even realized it myself hoping that she didn't catch on.
"No," she laughs.
"What do you like doing?" I say glazing at her brown skin sun-kissed by the sun and the universe.
She flips her hair and looks up at me, "oh, I like...art and science."
"Oh, me too. I like life science. Like, what's happening in the world and what people are doing to it."
"Oh, I like astrology and the history behind it."
"Oh, cool. So you like school?"
"Yeah. I like going even more because--" she cuts off and stammers, "Uh d-do you want to play basketball?"
"Sure." I help her get the balls out of the holder that it's in. I accidentally slip. She flenches.
"I'm sorry! Are you okay?" I graze her cheek.
"Yeah..." I space out as I see her cheeks flourish looking down. I look down too. I had not realized that I'm holding her hand. It's warm, my pale fingers united with hers of a crisp. She doesn't shy away she just simply stands there fiddling with her hoodie strings, until Busk calls us out. We quickly look away from each other. Slipping our hands away from each other. She takes the ball away from me and goes over to a basketball court.
"Aww, love birds," Busk says hopping of the bleachers.
"It's not..." I look over at her dribbling the ball like that. Her curves, her hair, her determined face. Damn, she's so cute when she's determined. "...like that"
"Yeah, okay. The way you stare at her shows that you're in love."
I completely flourish, "Shh, I don't think she likes me back."
"How?"
"B-"
"You said that about me in sixth grade."
The bell rings and I walk with her. I ask, "So, can I come over?"
She nods as long as I got my homework finished and I said you don't have to worry about me. Do you think I'm pretty?"
"I think you're hot," the words slither out before I could stop them.
She looks down, "No," she quietly laughs.
"I didn't mean-"
" I know, I know. Do you... never mind."
"What?"
"Do you actually mean that?"
"Yes, I do."
"Too bad we don't have our next period together."
"Yeah," I reply.
After school, I drive to her house. I ring the doorbell. She comes out wearing a flower dress.