Sometimes I think I'm my own worst enemy. I fight and train everyday so I can be perfect, but sometimes it feels like I break my own wings, my own legs and I can't get up. That's how I feel most times, broken legs but I chase perfection.
I woke up really early, and since no matter how I tried I couldn't get back to sleep, I just got up from bed and took a really long bath, trying to get to focus on what's really important while I waited for Draco to wake up.
It was a pretty nice day, the weather was very cold and it was really windy, but everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, happy as today was the first Hogsmeade trip of the year. And if I succeed today, it might just be the last one.
Draco and I parted ways early in the morning, after having breakfast, or well, him having breakfast. I was so stressed I wasn't even hungry at all. All the way to Hogsmeade I couldn't help but overthink, what if something goes wrong? What if someone sees me? Will everything go according to plan?
I just hope it does, because the sooner I kill Dumbledore and get this over with, the better. I need to prove that I can be trusted, that I am loyal. And I will do everything I can to do it, I've made up my mind. Stressing about my future is useless, really; I'm sure if I do as I'm asked I will be recompensated, and as long as we're both useful, I know that Voldemort will let Draco and I be together. He must, right? I mean, I've trained all my life to serve him, and for what I've heard from others and from Voldemort himself, he's really proud of me and thinks of me as his daughter. That must mean he'd want me to be happy, doesn't it?
I decided to put those thoughts aside, as I've arrived at Hogsmeade. I get out of the carriage, looking for a moment at the Thestrals, they're really beautiful creatures, so misunderstood and feared, so much like snakes.
I was wearing a big coat, and let my hair loose, in hopes my face would be covered a bit and I wouldn't be recognized. I walked by side streets, so I wouldn't encounter as many people as in the main street, where all the students were laughing and going in and out of shops like Zonko's, or Honeydukes. I take a right turn, and find myself right outside of the Three Broomsticks. I get inside, and go to the front as if to order something.
"What would you like?" Asked nicely the woman at the counter, who I knew was Madam Rosmerta.
"Hello, actually I wanted to tell you, I think someone's sick in the loo. I heard some weird noises there just now, thought you should know." I said, making my voice higher-pitched that it is, trying to sound as kind and as worried as I could.
"Oh, my! Thanks for telling me dear, I'll go see what's wrong." She said, and left to the restroom. I walked behind her, and we walked inside the little room, where there wasn't anyone else.
"Oh, they must have left already." She said confused, but when she turned to look at me I quickly took out my wand.
"Imperio." I said, pointing my wand at her. She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again she looked at me expecting for my instructions. "Listen carefully. You will imperio the first Hogwarts student that walks into the ladies room, and tell them to deliver this package." I passed her the package, which she quickly took, like a robot. "To Dumbledore. Make sure not to touch it. Understood?"
"Yes." She said. And with that, I left the restroom, where she stayed. I ordered a drink and sat down at a table by the main door, waiting patiently for someone to go to the restroom. After a while, a Gryffindor who I know as Katie Bell went into the restroom, and came out not long after with the package in her hands. I didn't watch, so I didn't look suspicious, but I heard as she went up to her table and told her friend she wanted to leave, and not long after she and another Gryffindor girl walked out the door.
I finished my drink, and feeling proud at how smooth everything had gone I walked out as well. I walked quickly, and passed the girls at some point, I wanted to make sure I got into the castle before them, and went somewhere crowded so I'd have an alibi.
So that's exactly what I did, when there was no one else in sight, I ran to the carriages and got up on one. Once I got to the castle, I quickly made my way to the Great Hall, fixing my hair and getting rid of my coat along the way. As soon as I cross the door I slow down, walking to the Slytherin table.
"Well hello there Irya." Said Theo, as I sat down.
"Hello Theo, guys." I greeted him back and the rest of my friends.
"Where have you been? I was looking for you, we're leaving to Hogsmeade in a bit." Said Daphne as she ate a biscuit.
"Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood. I think I'm just gonna go to the library." I grabbed a green apple, which reminded me of something, or more like someone. "Do you guys know if Draco's detention is over yet?"
"I don't think so, I haven't seen him all morning." Pansy answered, as she finished her toast.
"Well then, I think I'll just-" I was interrupted by someone, a Hufflepuff boy who ran into the Hall, running to his table and practically yelling.
"She's been cursed! Katie Bell's been cursed!" He sounded horrified. "She's dying, she's dying!" Whispers filled the room, and many got up to ask the boy what had happened.
It was as if all the sound around me suddenly faded away. I could hear my friends talking, discussing what was happening. I have to stop, I have to calm down; but this is not how it was supposed to be, it should have worked.
"Don't you think Irya?" I suddenly came back, hearing Blaise talking to me.
"Huh?"
"I said whoever did that to her is cruel. She's one of the kindest persons, even if she's a Gryffindor, don't you think?"
"Uh, yeah, I guess. But you can never really know someone completely, who knows? Maybe she messed with the wrong person." I shrugged.
"That's cruel, but I suppose you have a point."
"Yeah." I sighed. "You know what guys? I'm not in the mood for gossip, I'm just going to leave." I got up, taking my apple with me.
"Do you want us to tell Draco to go find you when he gets out of detention?" Asked Pansy.
"It's okay, thank you though. See you guys later." I left, slowly making my way out of the Great Hall. I want to run, but I could feel some of the teachers gaze on me, and I know running or even walking fast would make me look more suspicious than they must already think I am.
When I was out of sight, I started running, not really looking where I was going until I found myself on the seventh floor, in front of a wall I've grown to know over the past month.
I close my eyes as I think of a place where I can let everything out, somewhere where I can clear my mind. I slowly open my eyes, seeing as a door appears on the wall in front of me. I go in, and close the door as soon as I get inside, watching as it disappears.
I look at the room, and I'm shocked to find it looks a lot like my training room back in the Lestrange's Mansion. I don't waste any time, and I quickly tie my hair in a ponytail, so it won't bother me while I train.
I get in front of a dummy, and I close my eyes. I take a deep breath 'Am I doing the right thing?' I open my eyes, and I punch the dummy on it's side, hard.
'I can't fail' Another punch.
'If I fail, he won't trust me' Another punch.
'This is what I was born for, I can't disappoint them' Another punch, and another.
'What will happen to Draco and I?'
'Will I get to be happy with him?'
'Will he still love me, after I become a killer?'
'Will he understand?'
'What if I fail?'
'What if Dumbledore discovers my plan?'
'What if Voldemort finds out I'm having doubts?'
'Will he understand it if I fail?'
'Will he forgive me?'
'What if he doesn't?'
'What if-'
I kick the dummy, way too hard, causing it to fall to the ground making a loud noise as it hit the floor. I feel tears slowly run down my cheeks. I need to collect myself, I can't possibly have a breakdown, not when I'm so close to get everything I've always wanted. I just can't.
So I go to another dummy, and start punching it again.