Love Too Strong
V A L E R I U S ' P O V :
I'm out of the door within seconds of getting my restraints off. I need to catch Ellie before Katerina takes her too far away.
My heart is pounding, my mind racing.
I just keep repeating her name over and over again. My daughter. My Ellie.
The hall is empty. The cold cement walls bare.
They couldn't have gone far.
She has to be here close.
I'm running fast, fast until another body hits me. I catch them quickly. It takes me three seconds to register it as Ellie. A heavy relief washes through me.
She goes to speak but we don't have time. "I'm getting you out of here." I tell her, grabbing her hand. "Where's the exit?"
"Go right." Ellie breathes out and just like that, we're off. We're going fast, so fast.
I don't know how we'll get home. I don't know what waits for us when we get out. I don't know how the fuck this is happening right now.
Helplessness. My least favorite feeling.
When guns start shooting outside, I pull myself in front of Ellie to block her. Spotting a truck, I pray it's unlocked and I shield Ellie getting in before I hop in for myself too. She's breathing heavily and so am I. I'm lucky my papà taught me how to hot-wire a car, I get it started.
"Papà—"
Her voice is shaky. She's terrified.
Ellie's head is snapped around, trying to find where the shots are coming from.
"Get down." I tell her, tugging her arm. "Ellie!" My raised voice makes her comply quickly. She tucks her head down as I whip out of the gravel and onto the grass. There has to be a road around here somewhere.
"Papà..."
The wobble of her voice takes a hold on me.
"It's okay, Ellie. I know."
My arm is shielded around her like a seatbelt.
"I'm— I'm sorry! I-I— I didn't mean it. I didn't want to do it—"
Uncontrollable tears seam to stream down Ellie's cheeks. Her emotions have to be on overdrive.
"Ellie." I interrupt. "Ellie, just breathe." I swerve through a patch of grass to get onto a main road, pops sounding behind us. Ellie's hands tighten around my arm, locking me in.
"I love you." She cries, holding onto my arm for dear life. I squeeze her arm in acknowledgment.
I need to figure out where the fuck we are.
"I love you, Ellie."
Flying ninety down the road, I pray I can find a way home quickly.
I need answers.
• • •
I think guilt might be one of the worst emotions created. Truly.
I know what it's like to have guilt eat you alive. I understand the weight of it all. That's how I can understand why Ellie hasn't stopped crying for the past hour. I've tried to hush her but it was no use.
We got home a short twenty minutes ago. I got Ellie to calm down enough in the car to help lead us home. Since she was with Katerina, she knew the way around.
It still doesn't feel real to think about.
Katerina Watson.
Alive.
My family stays huddled downstairs, unknowing of it all. I can't face them yet. Not before I talk to Ellie.
"Ellie, baby. I need you to breathe. Please." I stroke her hair but only hiccups come out. I'm getting frustrated, I want answers. An explanation. But still, I don't want to push her.
She tries to speak but it comes out in gasps. It breaks my heart. I don't know how long I can bare to see her this distressed.
"Ellie, I don't blame you. Okay?" I brush through her hair softly, kissing her forehead.
She hugs me tighter.
My girl. My world.
Another ten minutes pass and Ellie has finally calmed down but I can see she's too tired to do anything.
Answers can wait till tomorrow. It's past midnight now anyway. I can hold my breath until then.
I pass her off my lap, getting a groan of annoyance. "I know, just sleep. We'll talk tomorrow." I lay her head down onto her pillow. She protests me leaving but all I give is a gentle look. "I have to go talk to your zii. I will be right downstairs." She presses her lips tightly and nods.
I give her a sympathetic smile and she gives me a blank stare.
Walking downstairs, a bundle of nerves forms in the pit of my stomach. My brothers have their eyes on me, waiting impatiently. They know I disappeared, they know Ellie and I got home safe. But that is all.
I swallow the bile forming in my throat.
"Valerius—"
"Katerina is alive."
Time freezes.
I wait for anyone to say something but.. nothing.
Nothing until, "Val— Katerina is dead. What do you mean." The words come warily out of Marcello's naïve mouth.
"I mean, she is alive and—," I hold my breath for a moment, calming myself. "And Ellie knew." My jaw ticks slightly. I'm mad I was too foolish to see all the signs. The clear signs.
All the times Ellie told me how scared she was, how nervous she got when we would disagree. All the spoken apologies before anything even happened.
She has been apologizing for something that hadn't even happened yet for months.
"Are you okay?" Fabio asks, my eyes catch his unusually soft gaze. I breathe deep and find it in myself to nod. But I am not okay.
Enzo laughs manically. He mutters something like, "You have to be fucking kidding me." I don't know. I just know that I need to find Katerina Watson. I need to make her pay.
"What are we going to do?" Savino asks me, warily.
"We're going to burn that bitch to the fucking ground—"
"Enzo. Please." I hold a hand to stop him. "Don't act on emotion right now."
"No! This is insane, Valerius! Be real right now! How are you not losing your shit!"
"Because I have a daughter laying upstairs losing her fucking mind!" I find my voice to shout back. "And the last thing she needs is for me to lose my shit." My voice drops, breaks, dies.
Enzo stops pestering me.
"What do you need us to do?"
I hold my breath for a moment or two. I think about everything, anything. "I need you guys to track her location. Find her. I— I have to think about.. about everything right now." I run my fingers through my messy hair.
"It's okay, Val. Take some time, we'll regroup tomorrow."
That's all I've ever had.
Time.
Time stolen, time wasted.
I nod because I feel that's all I can do.
• • •
I find myself unable to sleep.
My brothers are working on tracking Katerina, they won't let me help.
So instead, I'm replaying the days leading up to Katerina leaving like it's a movie and I just spent all my money on a ticket. A fancy luxury theatre. I think about Ellie, how she's sleeping in the other room.
I think about Allegra.
I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made before. But what choices do i have?
Do I take the chance? Telling her could blow up in my face. But the truth heals more than it hurts.
Three in the morning, the clock tells me.
I stare at my phone beside me on the table. And when I go to reach for it, I pause because my bedroom door is opened. Ellie's eyes find my own.
Her demeanor is uncertain. Her eyes meet the ground more than they meet mine.
"Ellie." I greet her.
Her eyes lock to mine, her foot kicking an imaginary ball in front of her.
"I—"
"Come here." Soft-spoken, I pat the bed, knowing what she came here for.
Grateful, I watch her shoulders drop and a soft smile pick at the corners of her lips. She shuts the door once again and hops on my bed just to curl into my side. My fingers graze their way through her hair as her eyes flutter.
"What's wrong, piccolina?"
"Nothing." She tells me lies.
"What's wrong, piccolina."
Ellie sighs. "I just couldn't sleep. That's all. What we're you doing up." Changing the subject. I see the game she's playing.
"I just couldn't sleep. That's all." I take a piece from her own game.
"Papà!" She groans and finds my face with a smile, I echo my own. "You're doing that on purpose."
I kiss her forehead. "Of course I am."
"Fine.. I was thinking about Katerina." My expression falls blank. Licking my lips, I stay quiet in hopes she goes on. If I had the ability to know what runs through that little head of hers, I would be the luckiest man alive. "Just about stuff she's said."
"Like what." I try so hard to keep my tone gentle.
"About you." I bite back my thoughts. "She was wrong though. I never believed her y'know?" I force a soft smile and nod. I don't want to know what Katerina said nor do I want to know how she's tried to manipulate Ellie.
"You are a very strong girl." I rub her back. "Do you know that?"
"Sometimes I don't feel like that's true."
"Well, it is. And it will always be true. You are far too brave to be talking like that."
Tucking her head into my side, images of a girl so young stares right back at me. Déjà vu never seems to cease. Always taunting me with memories of an innocent little girl, unknowing of all my poor choices that would eventually hurt her.
I can't ignore the two wet spots on my sleep shirt and the slight shake of her body. I bite my tongue back to hold myself together as I try my best to show my daughter my full undivided attention.
"Ellie, shh." I hush. "Don't cry amore mio."
I wipe the tears of a girl who has carried the weight of the world on her shoulders for too long.
"I— I love you, papà." Her shoulders shake with sobs as she clings to me. I want nothing more than to burn the people who made her so upset.
I used to believe I was never meant to be a papà but moments like these remind me how content I am here in this moment. Taking care of someone. Taking care of my own daughter. My little girl.
"These people do not deserve your tears." I hold her head high, the way it should always be.
"How do you always know that right thing to say?" She sniffles, catching my eyes with a soft expression.
Thickness claws at my throat. "I don't." Deep breath. "I don't always." Her head finds my shoulder. "I make so many mistakes. It's a part of being human. It's important to make mistakes."
"Wow. I never thought I'd hear those words come out of a man who is probably the most feared man in the world." She makes herself laugh and I smile.
"The world doesn't matter. You do."
I'd let my daughter see every vulnerable part of my life if it meant she would be able to grow and use it to strengthen herself. The world may know a dangerous man but my world has blue eyes, a soft smile and could melt my heart with a laugh. She is only supposed to see the best in me so she expects nothing less from anyone else.
"You matter too."
You matter too.
I close my eyes.
You matter too.
I can't claw the words out from my throat. I can only stare at the wall.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." I blink back to reality. "I was just— I just..."
"Mistakes are important, amore mio. One day you will rule the world and it will be hard. You will make mistakes but then you will come back ever stronger. Most people let their mistakes define them, but listen to this well; you are more than the hardships you will have to face."
I say these words in hopes she will learn. In hopes she'll listen. I say them for that little innocent girl inside of my beautiful girl. I say them for the boy who always needed to hear them.
She's silent for moments. I hope she's soaking in the words. "I guess being old really does make you wise." I mock a gasp and Ellie laughs.
"So much attitude." I pinch her side and she squeals.
"I got it all from you!" She grabs my hand to stop my tickling.
I can't deny it.
"So," she catches her breath. "What's keeping you up so late at night." Ellie asks and I sigh, wondering if I should keep it to myself. I don't want to burden Ellie with my own decisions.
"Grown up stuff." I say.
"Boring!" She makes a fart noise with her mouth and my eyes playfully roll. "Now tell me the truth. Pleaseee."
I surrender. "I need to tell Allegra about..."
"The Mafia." She supplies.
"Yes, yes that. If our..."
"Relationship."
"Yes, that. Thank you. If it's going to continue... I'll need to tell her the truth."
"And you don't want it to be like what happened with Katerina."
"You are too smart for your age, do you know that?"
"Yes, I do." She quirks a smile. "You love Allegra." I go to defend myself but she stops me. "Don't even try to deny it."
"Ellie, I don't want you to feel like I am ever trying to take love away from you—"
"Don't worry pops." She pats my chest and my brows rise. "I mean obviously I'm irreplaceable and the most important person literally ever." She makes a funny face, twisting her lips and scrunching her nose. I can't help but laugh. "Be brave, papà. If she's worth it, she'll stay." Be brave.
"I'll think about it." I kiss her forehead. "Now, sleep. It's late."
"Okay— wait! I forgot something." She goes running out of my room and in seconds comes running back with a grey stuffed animal in her hands. Her elephant. "Okay, now we can sleep." Her elephant, she used to sleep with it every night when she was little.
Some things never change.
• • •
"Valerius." Allegra looks up from her register and I exhale a slow breath. "What are you doing here?" Her smile is so wide, it kills me that this might be the last time I ever see it.
She walks away from the counter, having her friend step in for her. She leads me to her office.
"Just needed to see you."
She pulls my face down to kiss my lips. I greet her welcoming with pleasure.
"I thought you said you'd be away for awhile." Heaviness grips at my body.
Just get it over with.
Allegra is not anything like Katerina Watson.
I lead her to sit down with me on the couch she has placed in her office. "I was. Sort of."
"Sort of?" Her eyes sparkle with confusion.
It will hurt to lose Allegra. I know it will. But I'll get over it. Eventually.
"I need to talk to you." She tries to touch my arm but I feel it better to let her not. She'll regret doing it once I explain myself.
"What's wrong, Val?" She sound like an angel come to save me from everything bad in this world.
"I've been keeping a lot of things from you." Her soft expression turns worrisome. "I was a coward." Allegra doesn't speak. "The truth is, I never thought I could love someone again. So, I pushed reality away for awhile. Too long." I watch as her chest heaves, her eyes slowly widening. Be brave. Ellie's words ring in my head. "I love you, Allerga." Her eyes well up with tears almost instantly and I feel like the biggest dick ever.
"Val—"
I stop her. I don't want her to say something she regrets later. "And that's why I have to tell you the truth. And don't take this lightly. I understand if you want nothing to do with me after this. I'll leave your life and you'll never have to see me again."
I can stay away if it means she'll be safe and happy for the rest of her life. Though selfishly, I wish for her to stay. Stay for me.
"Whatever it is Val, I'm sure you're being dramatic. It can't be that—"
"My family is dangerous, Allegra. I told you we have a family business and it's true, we do. It's been passed on for almost centuries now."
My heart is beating so hard, I think I can't even hear my own words.
Silent, she waits for me.
"Allegra, my family runs the Italian Mafia."
Frozen, it seems like she doesn't even hear me.
"Wha— What?" She swallows hard. "B-But—"
"I run the Italian Mafia. I am dangerous. I am a risk to your peaceful life. I've hurt many people before." The shift her body turns cracks a line through my heart. "I will answer anything you have to ask me. But if you want me to disappear from your life, I won't be selfish."
Her mouth is smacked open. She licks her lips. "But.. Ellie?"
"She will take my position one day, once it's time. She knows this. She's happy to do it."
"I—" Her eyes flood with water, a single tear falling stray. "I have kids, Valerius. I-I have—"
"I know." I bite the inside of my cheek "That's why I won't force anything on you. No matter how bad I want you to stay."
"You— You can't just spring this on me like it's nothing. I.. I didn't even know shit like this was an actual thing—"
I want to catch her fallen tears but I resist.
"I'm sorry."
"You should go."
I freeze, understanding. I knew it would happen but yet it still is crushing me.
History repeating itself.
Her face won't turn to mine. She can't even look at me. I get it. I'm not an easy man to love.
I leave without a fight.
• • •