Doing It All for Love
V A L E R I U S ' P O V :
Love is not a simple word for me.
I've been exploited, used, betrayed. All for love.
I've grown a lot form the man who used to believe he needed to please people to buy their love. I used to believe I had to work for it, I had to ask for it.
Ellie changed that for me.
My daughter, my girl. My world.
Her sole existence proved to me that I didn't have to change myself to be deserving of love. I just simply had to be me and she loved that.
Bianca Armani was my mother. A woman who was supposed to love me willingly, supposed to care for me in a way no more than maternal. Though, she did not. She broke all the rules set in stone. She did not care for me, she did not love me, she did not listen to me and she especially did not see me as a son.
To Bianca, I was always a toy. A pawn in her game. I was the pawn and she was the king. She always won the game. No matter how difficult.
She used me like I was nothing. Used me for her pleasure, her needs, her own gain. And I didn't even see the wrong because she had told me it was so right. She fucked me over from the start. She was the reason for my self destruction. She was the reason I hated my family, my life. She told me no one could love me like she loved me. And if that was what love was supposed to feel like, I didn't want it. I made everyone hate me because I hated what being loved felt like. She ruined me.
That was before I met Katerina Watson.
Katerina showed me a different side to love. She wasn't gentle like Bianca. She was rough, a diamond so thick, it couldn't break.
I thought I had found my escape. I thought she couldn't hurt me like Bianca did. I thought it was different.
Bianca used to wipe my tears when I asked her to stop. She would caress me like I was the softest silk made for touching. I was a baby bird just born in a falcon's nest. She forced me to be so sensitive, that I became just the opposite when I found Katerina.
I knew Katerina was tough from the start. What I didn't know though was that she used her strength as a shield to mask the angry, emotional girl she always truly was.
She had a temper. She threw fits. She screamed and cried. Then she'd blame it on me because she was too sensitive to understand that she was the problem, not me.
It look ten years for me to look at myself in the mirror and see all the wrongs I once believe were a right. All the pain I endured for a simple feeling. A simple want.
A feeling that I didn't even know the true meaning of. I was chasing something I never had felt before. Longing for a memory that wasn't real.
I did not know love. I only knew how to want love.
I sacrificed years for a simple feeling. An emotion.
Katerina Watson hit me. She used me. She left me. But she had once claimed to love me.. and that was enough for me to stay. I was desperate. So desperate.
Now, I am not.
Now, I will never know if Katerina truly did love me and she was just too damaged to show it or if she really did have poor intentions. I will never know because she is dead. Killed by my enemy. Killed by a Russian. Ivan Moscow.
I wish things could have been different. I wish I hadn't been so weak. But the past doesn't change.
A part of me will always long for Katerina. Not her, but the idea of what I could have had. The idea that I could have a family with Ellie. But I have to remind myself, Ellie is enough. We are enough together.
Now, I understand love. I've felt it, experienced it.
Now, I know what I deserve.
"You okay?"
"Hm?" My head snaps to the voice beside me. Ellie sits there, staring at me, trying to read me. "Yeah, all good." I send her a smile, a true smile.
I am good. Things are finally good.
"You were staring so deeply at that book, I thought you were trying to light it on fire with your mind or something." I quirk a brow at her foolishness. "Hey, listen, I'm not judging." She puts her hands up in defense. I let my book close.
I let a chuckle tumble from my lips.
"I was not. I am well aware that I do not have super powers." I continue her joke just to see the smile that forms to her lips.
"Well, I wouldn't go that far. You are my superhero."
The compliment pulls at the strings of my heart, playing it like a well versed melody.
My eyes soften and I'm reminded again just how lucky I am. Sometimes I sit and wonder how lucky I got that Ellie survived that night, that she found me. That she came home to me.
"Helllloooo?" I snap back to reality, watching Ellie's hand wave in front of my face. "There you are."
"Here I am."
Ellie curls her head to my chest and I fold, my heart flipping. My arm cups around her face to hold her head close to my heart. She relaxes.
I relish every moment like this because I know I won't have it for long. Soon she'll grow out of wanting me to coddle her. I steal every moment I have to cradle her like a baby because I never got the chance to hold her so young.
"I love you." Ellie says just loud enough for it to reach my ears.
"And I love you." So, so much.
More than you'll ever know, Ellie.
• • •
"Valerius. How are you today?"
"I'm alright, what about you?"
Allegra's eyes stick to mine. Just like they do everyday. Everyday I walk in the flower shop, our routine stays the same. A comfortable pattern I've grown to find a liking to.
Every so often, Allegra and I meet outside the floral shop. Spending our time together, enjoyably.
"Great now that you're here." She states and a sense of pride hits my chest. "Any requests?" She asks regarding the flowers.
"At your leisure."
A smile perks the perfect pink of her lips.
Her hands brush the petals of the flowers laid in buckets on the wall. She searches for the perfect ones to pick for me.
Finally, she stops at the red roses. She plucks two perfect flowers. Each a bright shade of red with their petals in tact. Allegra let's the paper wrap the flowers snuggly. I wish for our hands to touch when she passes them along to me. They don't. I'm left dissatisfied. Her eyes find mine.
"These were just picked today. They're—"
"Beautiful." I finish for her. Though, I'm not talking about the roses.
She pauses for a moment. "Yes. They are." A slick smile curves her lips. Her eyes flicker up to meet mine that are so clearly boring into hers.
"I wasn't talking about the flowers."
"I know." She bites back a smile, sending a pulse through my entire body.
I can hear the air in my lungs trying to steady. Our faces get closer than they were before. I want to kiss her again. I want to hold her in my arms, tightly. I want to remind her that she is mine whether she knows it or not.
"What are you two love birds up to?" Rosie, Allegra's coworker walks into the room. Allegra jumps at the sound, pulling back.
I'm dissatisfied and quite angry that this woman had the audacity to interrupt me. Does she know who I am? Her face is annoying me.
"Rosie." Allegra turns around to her friend, annoyed.
"Don't look at me like that." Rosie laughs. "Hi, Val." She acknowledges me with a small smile. She turns back to Allegra. "Just wanted to let you know that your mom called asking if you can pick up the boys. She's not feeling good."
"Oh, yeah." Allegra tells her friend. "Sure. You're okay to cover for me?"
"Of course."
I know Allegra has two sons. Eleven and Eight years old. They both look just like her and thankfully they look nothing like Allegra's ex-husband. I've seen them a few times but I've never met them.
"Sorry—"
"Don't apologize." I stop her. "I understand."
Allegra smile, sighing. "Thank you."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Allegra."
"Yes, see you tomorrow."
• • •
"Ellie?" I call out but she doesn't respond. She probably has her headphones on again, I swear she never takes those things off.
I set my things on the coffee table and notice Ellie's phone. It pings with a message. I don't mean to read it but it's right in front of my face. I register what it says and pick up her phone.
My attention snaps to her phone, not liking what I'm reading. Let's hope this isn't what it looks like.
"Oh hey, papà." Ellie says as she walks into the room, closing her water bottle.
"What is this?" I ask.
Her eyebrows contort before she registers her phone in my hand. I briefly catch a worried look flash through her eyes before she hides it.
Ellie laughs stiffly. "What are you talking about?"
She wants to play that game? Okay. "Who is "MK" and why are they asking you if you've looked in my office yet for it yet." Throwing it in quotations, my voice stays stoic.
She barely misses a beat before replying. "Oh, I was just looking for a charger."
"In my office?" I press on.
"Yeah.. I figured you'd have one in there."
Really? I don't think so. She knows I don't even keep my laptop charger in there. My chargers have always stayed in my room.
"You know you're not allowed in my office without me there, Ellie." My tone is accusing.
"Sorry, I forgot." Her hands fiddle with each other, her eyes not making eye contact with me.
I hate that I know she's lying straight to my face.
"No you didn't."
Her eyes roll, I see her bite back the words she wants to say. She's getting angry and she doesn't know how to anchor herself back. An Armani curse.
She's got to get better at lying. Especially if she's going to take over for me one day.
"What.. don't you trust me!?" She snaps.
"You know I do, Ellie. But there are dangerous things in there, things that not even your nonno has access to. That room is banned, understood?"
"I—," she stops for a moment. "Yes." She sighs. "I understand. I'm sorry."
"Who is MK?"
"Huh?" Ellie's head snaps up, surprised. I repeat myself. "Oh, it's just Naomi." She says too quickly.
Right. "Yeah, that makes sense." I say sarcastically. "Because her name has an MK in it."
"It's an inside joke, dad. You wouldn't get it." Ellie smiles, crossing her arms over her chest. She doesn't see that I know the game she's playing. I've played it a thousand times with my own papà.
"I'd watch that tone." I give her a pointed look.
Her shoulders deflate. "Sorry."
"Now, this." I hold up her phone. "This is mine for the next two days."
"Wha— what!" Ellie's eyes go wide, her mouth hanging low.
Although I want to cave in and give it back just from the look in her eyes, I know I can't give in. Being a parent comes with the bad and the good. Punishment is needed occasionally, I need to get better at informing the rules. I have to be the bad guy before the good sometimes.
"I don't think Naomi texting you this makes her a very good influence, I think you'll need a break from her for a little."
"Papà! That doesn't make any sense, I could still walk see her, she lives right in the backyard!"
"You're right, you're not allowed to go over there until you get your phone back either."
Ellie's mouth stays dropped open in shock.
Her mouth slams shut. "Fine."
"Dinner is a six, I'll call you down then."
Ellie nods, walking upstairs strictly. I watch her disappear around the corner.
The thing is, I know she just lied straight to my face. Naomi would not be listed as "MK" in her contacts and she most certainly would not be texting her about finding a charger in my office. I would be more mad if she was anyone else but I trust my Ellie. She wouldn't hurt me or do anything to hurt what we have now.
I just hope this teaches her to get better at keeping secrets. Lying is an important skill to have in this type of work.
• • •