Cursed Love
E L E O N O R A ' S P O V :
"I've missed you." Devin hugs me tightly with a smile that reaches his eyes.
"You saw me yesterday." I laugh, squeezing him back. I wont say it but I've missed him too.
I've walked over to my friend's place. I'm staying the night, doing all the things we used to do together. It's been weird not spending every moment of everyday with them.
"So what do we say..," Naomi starts. "Junk food and a movie?"
"Absolutely." I agree with a soft smile.
We move quickly, putting on an old movie, Coraline. We grab snacks and nuzzle into the couch. Devin finds comfort on the floor, Naomi on the giant chair and Rowan and I are on the couch. We aren't near each other though. I'm too nervous to get close. I'm afraid the twins might notice.
Plus, I haven't told Devin or Naomi yet. I haven't had the chance to get them alone.
After our date, we had one more. Well, for the most part it was just a make-out session in Rowan's bedroom while Devin and Naomi were out of the house but still. They were at Zio E's house, they go over there quite often.
"How have things been with your dad?" Naomi asks. I catch Rowan look at me, it's sweet how he cares for me. I can tell he does.
"Actually.. it's been good— better." She sends me a warm smile. "I think we've both just been scared but we talked. I'm going to try and find a happy medium in my life and my papà said he's going to try and do better with not treating me like I'm five." I laugh a little and Naomi does too.
"Good, I'm really happy for you."
I opened up to my papà— not about everything but just enough. I told him that I don't know who I am or how I fit in here and I'm scared. He told me that this is my journey to take but regardless, he'll be with me every step of the way.
I want to know how I fit in with the mafia. I want to know how it works. I want to know if I have what it takes or if I'm too weak to carry on my family's legacy. I want to be tough.
Though, I didn't tell him all of that.
I'm no secret to weapons and fights but I've never wanted to do it. I've always had a certain talent for keeping myself alive but I sometimes, I don't enjoy hurting people. Other times, I feel so caught up on the thrill of hurting those who've wronged someone that I truly scare myself.
"Thank you, Naomi." Devin starts the movie. "Hey, you and Devin have been spending a lot of time at my Zio's house." I suggest with a smile. "Maybe he'd be cool with you guys living there."
She laughs. "I don't even think he can tell us apart yet." Naomi's eyes roll.
My eyebrow lifts. "Now come on, Naomi." I let out a short laugh.
"Okay fine. It's kinda obvious but we are identical."
It's true, Naomi and Devin are identical twins. It's also true that there is barely a point one percent of female and male twins being identical. That's not their case though. Biologically, at birth, Naomi and Devin were both born male. One of them just had a change of heart.
"Either way, it's cute. You never know, maybe Zio E is looking for someone to live with." I shrug. Truly, it would be adorable if my best friends became my cousins. If that ever happened.
"Ha! As if." She shakes her head, turning her head back to the tv.
The night progresses and eventually, everyone falls asleep but me.
I stare at the end credits, thinking about how crazy my life is. How wild it begun. It only makes me wonder more how it'll end.
From being kidnapped to having an entire mafia torturing you. To being hunted by my own grandma to being kidnapped again. To having a crazy mother and a murderous father. To the adventure and the heartaches. To being kidnapped again and to being alone in the world. My list can go on but I choose to only remember the important days. The good days. The rest can fade as my life goes on.
My blanket swishes underneath me while I adjust on the couch.
"Cant sleep?"
Suddenly my attention is focused to the other side of the couch.
"Uh, kinda. Just letting my brain think to much." I joke with Rowan. I can't see him in the dark so I don't know if he found what I said funny.
"Come here." He whispers.
I hope he can't see my eyes bulging out of my head. I look to Naomi and Devin to make sure they haven't woken up.
"What?" I reply quickly. My voice is low.
"Come lay with me, I'll help you fall asleep."
I want to question it but I don't. Rowan likes me. He actually likes me and I like him. I'm not letting my dumb brain get in the way of us being happy.
I deserve something good.
So, I slide off my blanket and walk on my knees over to him. Ro grabs my hips and pulls me overtop of him. I grab into the couch, straddling him with wide eyes. My heart pounds.
"Ro—"
"Shh." The way he caresses my hips makes my body relax. My heart slams against my chest. I feel everything. "Keep quiet." My eyes are straining to stay open and is that drool coming down my chin?
"They're right there." I whisper to him, nodding my head to the sleeping twins.
Me and Rowan haven't done anything sexual yet. I think I'm too scared. I don't want my first time being with someone I'm unsure about. I want it to be right.
Does this feel right?
"And?" He suggests, pulling me closer and closing his lips on mine. I let out a low breath, relaxing into him. I feel Rowan slide the blanket on us.
My heartbeat is out of control. I mean it is totally everywhere. How do I proceed? Do I initiate something back? What if Devin or Naomi wake up?
Rowan's hips turn up and his hands lower to my ass, I jump at the sudden movement. I can feel it. Feel him. His hand starts gliding up and towards my bra, my heart flickers hard.
"Wait." His arms stop. I feel tears bargaining to come forward. "Can.. can we just sleep." I swallow hard. My eyes don't open, I'm scared for his reaction. I don't want him to walk away.
His hand falls down to my lower back. "Okay."
I worry, wondering if he's upset with me. Instead, I don't let it phase me. I just relax and fall to his side.
"Thank you." I say softly, letting out a breath of relief.
He doesn't say anything back.
I think he falls asleep before I do.
Maybe he wants more? I want to be everything he wants. I want to be enough. Is this enough?
• • •
"My little Ellie-belly. How is my sweet girl?"
Taking in a big, comforting hug, I smile. "Good, nonno. How are you?"
"Perfect! Now that my beautiful granddaughter is here." Nonno leans down and kisses both of my cheeks, taking me with him to the open kitchen.
"Sweet? I think you have the wrong girl." Devin jokes and I roll my eyes at him, glaring.
Nonno takes notice of my sour face and chuckles lightly. "Never." He squeezes me, handing me some cookies. "I've been trying out some baking, let me know how I did." He says and walks away to the rest of our family.
The cookie is soft, warm. It feels like home.
Devin snatches the delicious cookie off of me and my mouth drops open. "Hey—"
"When we're you going to tell me about you and Rowan?" His voice is low and accusing.
My heart drops. "What?" I choke out.
"Girl, a fly couldn't miss that make-out sesh."
Shit.
My eyes go wide.
"Devin, I'm so sorry—"
"Hey! Elle Bell, I don't care. I just thought you would have told me, you know. I thought we told each other everything."
"We do. I do." I breathe out deeply. "It's just, I don't know I guess I thought you'd be mad at me. This whole thing with Rowan is confusing and.. and this is the first time I've really liked someone. I just.. didn't want to mess everything up by liking him."
Devin gives me a small smile. "Babe, I knew you had a crush on him since you let him touch your special knives. No one is allowed to touch those." I want to laugh but I can't. It's been months since then, he's known for that long?
"Really?" I whisper meekly.
"Yes." He rolls his eyes. "And with all that said, as long as he treats you good, I'm happy for you. Feel those feelings girl." That makes me laugh.
"Thank you, Dev." Our hug is comforting, I've needed a good hug.
"He hurts you and I promise you he'll be buried six-feet under." Devin whispers in my ear. I roll my eyes.
"You won't have to worry about that." I say. "My heart isn't easily broken."
"You say that now but they say love is the worst poison out there. It makes people go crazy."
"Yeah, I've noticed. Crazy love runs in this family." I point out, sighing.
I hope Rowan is different. I want it to be different. The cycle of love isn't one of my favorite family traits. Somehow, somewhere down the line, someone fucked this family over and cursed us. Papà says I'm crazy but I think it's true.
"I hate to say it but you're right." He agrees. I've told Devin a lot about my family before.
"Yeah, take my parents for example. That was doomed from the start. I just hope I don't turn out like my mother." I blow out a breath and Devin gives me a look as if to say, yeah good luck with that.
"What?" My head snaps around to see my papà at the doorway. Shit.
"Huh?" I'm quick to mutter, hoping I can just play clueless.
"I'll meet you in the other room." Devin whispers and heads out. Great. Now I'm all alone.
So much for being my best friend.
"Your mamma? How do you know about your mamma?" I'm not sure how much I like the look in my papà's eyes. They're very accusing.
"I don't." I say blank faced.
I'm lying. I just hope he doesn't pick up on that.
"Right. Stop lying to me, Eleonora."
Well shit.
I step back so my back is on the counter. I don't think I've ever seen my papà this upset. He's not happy at all. I didn't know Katerina was such a sore subject. I'm not sure what to say next.
He can see right through me.
"Papà— it's not that serious."
I swear his eye twitches as he takes another step forward.
"Did someone tell you anything about your mamma? Who was it."
Don't slip up. Just don't slip up.
"Why do you care anyways?" I sputter out quickly. I'm getting defensive on purpose. "You were practically eye-banging that girl at the flower shop! It's not like you still have feelings for her!"
I regret my words immediately when they pummel out of my mouth.
"Don't you dare speak like that." Papà's voice gets colder and a shivers runs down my spine. My dad might be scary but he forgets I'm his daughter. I won't get scared that easily. "I thought I raised you better than to have such a disrespect for your parents." That almost makes me laugh, fire claws at my throat.
He's kidding, right? This is fucking ridiculous.
I can't help but snap. "You didn't raise me at all!"
He goes quiet. "Eleonora." I can't tell if his voice is warning me or completely upset.
I want to stop my eyes from watering but I just can't. "Stop trying to do this!" My voice cracks. "I raised myself!" One of my greatest weaknesses is crying when I'm mad. It's hard to control. "I— I didn't have anyone! You don't know what it's like!"
I can't believe we're arguing in the middle of my nonno's kitchen. I just want to hide away and not come out for another twenty years.
He takes a deep breath, his eyes squeezed shut. "Listen to me, Eleonora. That isn't what I'm saying. I want to know what you know about your mamma."
Maybe it's the hormones of being a teenager or maybe it's my annoyance at this useless fight, but I don't want to lose. I'm in the right so, for the sake of a competition, I continue.
"Why does it matter?" I stress, clapping my hands to my thighs.
"Because, I don't need your image of your mother tarnished!"
"Too late for that!"
It slips out of my mouth before I can stop it.
Fuck.
"What is going on in here?" Nonno walks in with a face full of worry.
"What does that mean." Papà insists, ignoring nonno.
"Nothing." My head shakes.
"Eleonora."
"Whatever! It just means I've heard stuff, okay?"
I wait for him to call me out but he never does.
"This is clearly going to get no where. If you—"
"Val."
"Would just—"
"Valerius!" Nonno snaps. Papà finally stops arguing. "I think you've said enough."
On the verge of tears, I exit the room at full force. I leave, going outside in the front yard. It's freezing.
I hear patters of footsteps behind me so, I turn around.
I scowl. "Leave me alone." I try to wipe my tears silently but I sniffle.
"I'm your body guard, Miss. I can't leave."
"Go body guard somewhere else!" I shout at him, wiping my tears on my sweater.
Ugh! I hate this.
"Leon. I have it from here. Wait inside."
I know it's childish but I stomp off further, not caring that I look like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Maybe I am throwing a tantrum. I don't care.
Chills breeze on my face, letting fresh air into my body. My tears are like ice on my skin.
"It's supposed to start warming up soon."
I ignore the voice getting closer with every step.
I roll my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest.
"You're papà is weird about your mamma." Nonno sighs, getting straight to the point. I don't respond. "He's had a hard time with love and with his own mother. It's a difficult topic for him."
"And it's not for me?" I snap. My back is still turned away, I'm too petty to face him.
"Oh, I knew it would be one day." Nonno sighs. "How much do you know about her?"
"Katerina?"
I don't say mamma. I don't want to.
There's a prominent pause.
"Yes." His throat clears. "About Katerina."
I shrug. "Just that she's manipulative. I don't know the details but I know she was weird with papà. She wasn't what he deserved. I don't like the way she treated him." I hold myself back from flinching at the hand upon my back. I was lost in the memories.
"It's not my place to tell you about your mother." Nonno says with a pointed look. "But, I will say.. your papà is a strong man. He's had to overcome a lot, some of it being my fault." I look beside me to find nonno staring off into space. "Love is a very complicated emotion to figure out. Whether it is familial or romantic. Some people crave love and attention so bad that they become blind to what it truly means."
"So you're saying he doesn't know what love is?"
"I'm saying, be patient with him." Nonno's eyes connect with mine. "Your papà never wanted to listen to us, maybe if he hears it from you, he'll finally let her go."
"It's not my job to fix him. He's my dad." I fight, swallowing back my tears.
"I know. I also know it's unfair of me to ask that of you. But as unfair as it is, I think your papà has got a lot of healing to do before he can become the best man he can be. The best papà he can be for you."
Silence takes over for a moment. The trees shiver.
"I'm tired."
I have to hide my face in shame as the tears start to become more than I can handle.
"I know, principessa." Nonno grabs ahold of me tightly. "I'm trying to help him. I'm here for you, always. My door is always open for you."
"I just want a normal life." My voice cracks below my whisper.
"Things will work themselves out. I promise."
Nonno rests his chin on my head.
• • •