Hange Zoe never looks like Hange Zoe when they're asleep.
You lifted your hand to knock on their already opened door. Your captain passed out on the chair, their glasses out of their face, their arms dangled loosely on each side of their torso. Hange's breathing was stable and shallow, and it made you hesitate if Moblit said the truth.
Did Hange really call for you?
You knocked softly the first time, and firmer on the second. You observed the disheveled hair and their slumped figure defeatedly uncomfortable on the wooden chair. Hange lost weight after weeks of preparation. You could feel their exhaustion just by looking at them and it made you wish you could've gotten the gear modifications faster and helped them as soon as you were available. You were sorry, but you were also relieved knowing that you weren't going through this alone.
You knocked louder this time, making them rouse from sleep.
"You wanted to see me?" You said expectantly, looking for signs of irritation from being woken up. Instead, Hange slowly sat upright, taking their glasses from the table and putting them on. Hange got worse the longer you looked at them. Their hair sebum indicated they hadn't showered for days; the oil on their face said not even a splash of water had licked their skin. Not to mention the dirty, browning, crumpled yellow shirt that you recognized had been on them for weeks.
Your mind thought about the color of their underwear but you reminded yourself just in time that whatever grows there, mushroom and all, is never your business.
"Yeah," They slowly stood to meet your leaning form on their door frame. Hange showed an exhausted grin. "How's the gear?"
"All done," You responded, "And the back supports are coordinated with the factory city. They had their reservations at first but Miche did his best to pressure them. Sir Ness's squad will get them today."
"Miche?" That made Hange raise an eyebrow, and you didn't like where this conversation was going. "I thought Levi's with you on this... isn't he?"
"Um," Your lips tightened at the mention of his name. "Yes, captain. Captain Levi and his squad were nice enough to fit the prototypes."
Hange just sat there, nodding. Surprisingly, their eyes intently scanned your face.
"Well, that explains a lot..." They finally said, while scratching the back of their head. You didn't want to risk asking what they meant with 'explains a lot', but it sure filled your curiosity. You're thirsty with anything Levi related.
After all, it had been days since... that.
You could tell Levi had been avoiding you, and you anticipated that much. They say that you begin to miss a person once you notice the little things they do are gone, and you proved that with his absence. The first 'good morning' you utter was for him and now it's just with some random soldier. You somehow missed his lingering presence in the mess hall, or the brief, meaningless eye contacts with you throughout the day. When you met a few days ago for the test runs, there was this impenetrable professionalism around him. He wrapped himself with this cold, unfeeling status and it compelled you to act your rank. He stayed away most of the time in the support fitting, letting his squad members take over and he became even more reserved when you assisted him in buckling the adjustment points.
He never looked at you, never walked near you, never talked to you and you're mad at yourself because you miss these little things that made up a connection with him... or so you thought.
You miss it.
You miss him.
When you began to pull yourself out of the trance, you noticed Hange's still looking at the door frame, as if talking to someone so near.
And that voice didn't belong to you.
"What now, four-eyes?" The cold, yet familiar, hoarse voice came beside you. Too familiar that it made you freeze.
"Ah, Levi, just in time!" Hange brightened up, their hands clapped in welcome. You only noticed that your body set a distance on its own until it's too late and he already noticed.
Levi ignored you. More like, he pretended you're not even there. He walked past and proceeded to talk to your captain, even insisting that they take the talk outside, where 'no one' could hear them. 'No one', meaning you. You're no one to him— a nobody, an existence he disregards, or a 'something' he doesn't have an opinion to. And that? That hurt. You hate this side of yours— this nitpicky, overthinking, detail-y, always-reading-between-the-line trait of yours. Most people won't be as sensitive and just brush the thought aside, but most parts of your brain keep telling you that he's doing this because he meant it.
Maybe you've also misread his intentions that night and now he thinks you're a delusional little twit.
Maybe that's why he's setting his distance because you misunderstood his kindness, and he doesn't want you misunderstanding him again.
Or maybe... maybe, in some nooks of your brain, he's giving you space because he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. He's setting some distance because what you said brushed his feelings aside, and it hurt him.
No, Levi doesn't like you. What do you have to offer, huh? Your caffeine addiction?
You shot that thought right in the head so it won't pop up again.
"No,"Levi shot some request from Hange, while he glanced at you with such disdain. "I'm not going to fetch dinner with your men," A scurried footstep reverberated from his boot, a telling that he's about to leave.
"Let the fresh recruits do that—"
"The fresh recruits are doing footwork," Hange said, "No one's left to get dinner, but you—"
"Miche, how about Miche?"
"They're out with Erwin. My men are setting the final touches for the expedition." You watched them exchange replies like an audience to a tennis match. "Which leaves you," Hange glanced at you, "And her."
"Eld and Olou can do that—"
"They're helping out in the kitchen— come on now, don't be lazy! Everyone's out preparing for the ritual and you're killing time just breathing!" Hange slapped his shoulder, almost shoving him away and towards you. You're amazed Levi lets them do that. He looked pouty but kinda scary so you took a step back, in case Levi suddenly slap Hange from Paradis to your world and back.
Hange gave you a cue on a look, hinting something you didn't quite get.
Wait, but what ritual is Hange talking about?
"Find someone else. I'm not taking orders from you." Levi blocked their face with his palm, only to regret it a second later upon realizing the oil and dirt that partied in their face.
"No can do, they're busy loading everything on the cart—"
"Um," You had the guts to interrupt them. "What ritual?"
"Ah, that?" Hange stopped the childish wrestle at once, giving their full attention to you. "You see, whenever we go out the walls for a major expedition, the corps eat dinner two days before..." Hange explained rather cheerfully, but the more they explained, the faster that feeling degraded to dejection upon realizing why.
They're letting the soldiers spend more time with their friends and loved ones in case they won't have that chance again. It also gives them time to think things over: to weigh if their lives are lighter than what they decided to give it for.
Now you thought Erwin take too lightly of his soldiers' lives, but seeing this ritual firsthand made you reevaluate your thoughts about him.
"And after that, you submit your war letter, then you spend your day-off and come back one day before the expedition to prepare, thus, the two-day ritual."
You nodded in response.
Now that you're thinking about it, you will not have anything to do with those two days. No close friends or family to visit, no war letter to send to, and no one will certainly care if you croak out there in half, bleed to death and decay. You were just... screwing bolts and pounding metals and drawing blueprints this whole time.
And realizing this, made you feel hollow.
You're alive but you don't have anything to live for at all.
"So go fetch our dinner, hm-kay?" Hange's grin was the last thing you saw before they shoved you out of their office, with a pouch of coins on your palm.
And now, you're alone with Levi in the middle of the hallway.
In the middle of the quiet, dark stone hallway of Ehrmich castle.
You looked at the tips of your shoes; counted the cracks on the gapless cobblestones.
You waited for the silence to be filled.
You waited for Levi whose presence you're so aware of, to speak first. You don't want to look like you're misunderstanding something again, so you'll let him do the talking.
Maybe you need to clean your shoes. It looked dirty with the grease.
It had been a sunny day, with its orange and yellow tones.
The breeze is cool.
Should he be saying anything now?
Maybe you need a haircut or something.
Should you say something first? Is he waiting for you to do the first move?
What's he thinking?
"Let's go." You heard the captain, and when you looked up, disappointment hit you when his back was already turned away.
***
LEVI ACKERMAN
Damn that four eyes.
Damn that four fucking shitty eyes.
What gave it away? Was I too obvious in avoiding her? Did I overdo it, it looks like I don't want her near me? Do I look like a wounded brat who got rejected by their first love in spring after confessing under a romantic moonlight, I needed the push from mom?
And why isn't she saying anything? Where is that happy crap sunshine power spring she has like that time she talked about coffee or some shit? Why is she walking far behind me? Do I stink or something? I pretended to look behind to take a good whiff at my shoulder, and I think I smell fine.
She just can't stand me now, can she? Can't blame her, I pushed her buttons further than I should that night and now she's uncomfortable. To hell with self discipline when she's around. It's not very adult-like, I know, and I have no excuse.
And to think that I thought it worked the same way with women when Erwin charmed the female sponsors...
I sighed. This is not worth spending my energy on.
Objectively speaking, this is for the best. Thinking about some childish stuff from a few nights ago will not help the cause. To brutally put it, I shouldn't be thinking about her at all.
And eventually, she's going to leave, and I can't give her anything but constant worry, considering our line of work.
"Sir," Her sudden call snapped me from thoughts. She didn't look happy when I turned around, and in fact she was... panting.
And I realized how far I've gotten with the pace I was walking.
"Please slow down..." Phoebe said when she caught up. She crouched, her knees were slightly bent, her hands supported her stance by her knees and her shirt...
The loose collar of her shirt teased more skin than I have the right to look.
"What, you skipped your morning footworks and suddenly, walking is hard for you?" I walked towards her with the intention to block the view. The marketplace is more crowded than anytime this week, and they have no business taking a peak inside loose shirts and vaguely covered breasts while they're on their fucking way.
The sky's too blue for my liking, and I'm also getting curious how uneven the road has become.
But I refuse to look down, not until she stands upright.
"There's a lot of people today, and you walk really fast..." She said in between exhales. She stood up after some time, only for someone to bump her from behind, knocking her footing, and crashing into me.
Good thing I caught her before she spectacularly hit it off with the soil, then take her out on a date.
"You okay?" I almost asked. She was warmer than I expected. I don't know why I expected her to fill the loose clothing she wears, despite knowing she won't. She felt like sharp edges charged with subtle electricity when she collided into me, but pleasingly soft and feminine at the same time. Her grip however, is strong— surprisingly strong for someone who had her injuries on her hands. And even so, her hands trembled.
And then, after that brief moment, she unclasped her fingers from my arms, avoiding any form of contact with me.
"Sorry," I read her lips, before setting some distance once again. She looked uncomfortable alright, and to be honest, I'd rather be taking on titans right now than dealing with something so fragile and unknown I have no idea how to approach.
I tried killing the feeling, knowing well that that is what I'm good at, but it didn't do me any good.
I tried figuring out how to make this entire situation for the better, I swear. Rehearsed how to apologize without looking too whipped only to look like an asshole— tried asking Miche and Erwin about it but not giving too much detail that they'll notice something was off. I tried walking around the shady alleys of Klorva thinking this could be some bodily need. It didn't do anything.
And when I thought I couldn't stoop lower, I watched Oluo follow Petra around, but I had to stop because I didn't want to look like an ugly mutt lost in a fucking town.
How then, am I going to deal with her?
"We're here." I said, taking in her surprised look. Her eyes scanned the place she's worked before enrolling in the training regimen and that mouth of hers slowly turned from being slightly open, to a wide grin.
Now I know where Hange was going with this suggestion.
And here I am thinking shitty glasses couldn't care less for whatever besides their sick titan fetish. Pfft.
"I used to work here," She told me, slightly turning her whole body as she did. I'm pretty pleased when her eyes suddenly had their twinkle again, at least for a second. Petra told us stories every time she made tea, and it alarmed me when Petra said she only goes out for two things: to take caffeine, or to piss it.
And when I caught a glimpse of her, she looked like one of those gears in the shed: dirty, all used up and burned out.
She's not even aware that the last time she changed her bandages was two days ago, and I would know this because I counted the stock of bandages in the kitchen. They remained full and untouched.
"I didn't know you still get dinners here." She beamed at me, "I delivered once when the corps was still in Trost— 93 servings of potato and leek soup, two fists of bread and a palm of beef each meal, then—"
"Four of those, but double serving, with our names." I finished the memory for her. "I placed that order."
"I know." Her eyes lingered on the shabby, wooden building, beaming so lightly as if it's the best building she's ever seen. "Your name was on it."
I know, I remember, but that's not even half of the story.
How could I forget? That was the first time she talked to me, and learned her name.
Her eyes landed on mine.
"You remembered, huh?" I asked her, flattered that she hasn't forgotten that encounter with me. Her smile only got wider while her eyes trailed on my face, like she's examining my features closely, and the awkward awareness of setting allowable distance between us, dissipated. Her smile is contagious not in the sense that it makes you smile too— no. She has this superpower to bless anyone who sees her smile, and before you realise it, you've become addicted to seeing it.
Too bad, her smile is rare.
"It was an expedition to assist herbalists in getting a plant that doesn't grow inside the walls. We had an outbreak in Utopia and they needed that medicine."
"You should've set aside some and let the farmers study it," She responded nonchalantly, "Maybe they could find a way to grow them inside the walls, so people won't have to risk their lives going outside."
"They tried," I said, "that didn't go anywhere." She nodded, pouting as she did. It was time that the old lady— I think her name's Lucinda or something, greeted her with a hug.
I let them chat for a while, setting some distance to let them talk comfortably, without her being wary of me.
This distance is enough, and I will not want more.
Being with me is a death sentence and I've seen it happen before.
And I can't afford to find out how long it'll take to happen again.
I looked at them from afar, as they discussed animately.
"What?" Phoebe looked at me, her eyes wide with surprise. I wonder what happened.
"Sir Levi you—" My eyebrow furrowed when she pointed and waved her finger at me. How dare she.
"Lucille said—"
"What? Form a sentence I can understand." I stood, finishing the last bite of my bread, then walked towards them. I had to be gentle in putting down her still bandaged finger to not make her flinch.
She flinched nonetheless, making me instantly mindful of the closeness she can put up with. So that much is a no-go, making me put more distance between us.
Then this Lucinda person started making faces, like she's coaxing a distracted mule.
"Well if you're not aware of what people say about you captain..."
Oh, here we go. I can feel my eyes rolling inwardly with this classic rumor.
"That I'm not into women and I'm always with the Survey corps commander? So? What's that got to do with dinners?" I killed wherever this conversation is going. It's tiring, really. Sometimes it's Erwin, sometimes it's Miche, and the worst I've heard was with Pyxis. Their opinions are none of my business and that goes both ways whatever my preference is.
"And I told her that's not the case." Lucinda went on giddily, and I'm confused where this is going. Why is she still talking? Isn't this about my 'attachment' or however they call it with Erwin?
"Because I know that's not really true..." The old hag went on, nudging me now. I had to stand back, not wanting skinship from anyone I don't know.
"I told Phoebe you used to peek behind the curtains before," Lucille dropped a bomb, making my throat parched instantly.
"You're interested in Phoebe, aren't you captain?"
A sigh should regain my composure but it didn't do shit. My eyes were steady with Lucinda whom, for the love of Paradis, would've tasted a punch on the face if it wasn't me.
Fortunately for her, my self discipline crumbles only on one occasion: to this young miss who's now too stunned to utter a word.
Cat's out, the beans are spilled, and I have two options on how to proceed.
"And what if I am?"
And my panicking ass chose the shittiest option I'd rather not play.
***
I know I'm destroying that supposedly 'immersive' nature this fanfic is going for by revealing Levi's thoughts but I think it's hilarious and dynamic to once in a while, visit other POV.
But most importantly, I do want to hint on more serious stuff about OC's identity.
Thank you for reading up to this point. I am taking a lot of time because the timeline said thereshould be at least a month before the expedition, and I do want to make it feel that way. Am I dragging? No, no of course not. 😗 I call it... developing relationships and world expansion. You know, the little things. The supposed military culture, some side characters...
And I think once we get to the adventure parts, we'll have less time to cover these things. That's why I'm taking my time now.
I hope you guys like it, and tell me what you think!
See ya!
Your resident midnight rain,
sultryzucchini.