Toni stood in the middle of her room, wondering how things possibly could have just ended like that.
Somehow, after everything they had been through to be together, isolation was what broke them; and Toni knew that, but she needed someone to blame, someone other than Shelby.
Dave. It was all Dave's fault. Any idiot could see that. They made it through Carol, but even without Carol it still went wrong. It had been Dave from the beginning. Thinking a far back as she could, everything hurdle in their relationship had been due to Dave. With or without Carol this would have happened. They could cope with Carol. Dave was the one that made it impossible to see each other, then and now.
The conflicting thought that she should have been enough flashed through her mind. Reigniting her anger at Shelby. Toni could have done it. She really could have. Shelby is the one that was forgetting their meetings. Forgetting her. That wasn't Dave.
But the fact they could only meet two hours a week was because of Dave.
Or was it because Toni had basketball two nights a week?
Why had they even fought in the first place?
It all just suddenly seemed so fucking stupid to Toni. She had let her anger get ahold of her and ruined everything in 10 minutes. Choosing to attack Shelby for being a little bit late rather than having a rational conversation.
But Shelby had agreed with her.
Shelby had agreed that it was not enough.
What part wasn't enough though? Toni? The time spent together? The quality of the time spent together? Fuck. Toni kicked resell for not asking, for not being more specific.
She suddenly felt like she knew nothing at all.
Chasing Shelby down and trying to change her mind was futile, Toni couldn't make Shelby want to be with her again. If Shelby was giving up now, after everything, then surely she was serious about it. Surely she knew in her heart when something was not worth fighting for? Or not worth the consequences of fighting for it.
Someone. When someone was not worth fighting for.
It clicked, though, that Toni was one half of this relationship, she was one half of this breakup. She decided that Shelby was worth fighting for.
She bolted up the stairs, racing out of the front door without a goodbye to Bernice and Russell who were sitting in the lounge chairs, confusion written in their features.
Her feet pounded the pavement, the wind muffling in her ears and she ran. Familiar blonde hair appeared in front of her and she slowed down, winded. She would recognise Shelby anywhere. She was sure that she would never in her life mistake someone else for her.
Shelby turned to face her, fear in her eyes, clearly concerned as to who was running after her.
Toni's momentum accidentally found her bumping into Shelby as she tried to stop.
"Sorry, sorry!" she exclaimed as Shelby nearly toppled over. She steadied her and took a step back, feeling awkward at the contact.
Shelby looked terrible. Toni loved her in every state, showing every emotion, but this was one of the ones that broke her heart - purely because she loved her. Devastation painted Shelby's features. Cheeks flushed and tear stained, her eyes red and bloodshot. It mirrored an expression that Toni had seen so often at the beginning of their relationship - before they knew about their feelings. It was normally a result of repressing her love for Toni, rather than just losing her love for her.
Toni's stomach churned at the thought of being responsible for that look. She had never fully known how to fix it, but she always was able to. Toni wasn't confident, or even hopeful, that she would be able to fix it this time.
"Why are you here Toni?" Shelby's voice was gravelly and uneven.
Toni regretted chasing her. Seeing her like this, knowing it was Toni's fault, hurt more than the break-up itself. It physically hurt. Unconsciously, she raised her hand to her heart, trying to soothe the ache in her chest.
Toni didn't know what she was going to say, she just started speaking. "I genuinely really hated you when we first met. And you genuinely really hated me. I can't even fully put my finger on the reason why. I think we both thought each other was living the ideal life," she scoffed resentfully, "What a fucking joke."
Shelby looked on the verge of tears again. "What is this about Toni?"
"I don't even know what I'm trying to say. But I think we are fucking perfect for each other. Think about it, everyone in the world, everything we went through to get to this moment, and what? It wasn't right? We were wrong about this whole thing?"
"I still don't get what you're talking about? We just-"
"I'm saying, why are we giving up? Now?" Toni nearly yelled, her emotion causing things to come out wrong.
Shelby sobbed, covering her mouth and turning away.
Toni reached out, without her own permission, lightly touching Shelby's elbow before she pulled away.
"It's not that I'm giving up," Shelby said once she regained her composure. "I'm just done stringing you along. We barely see each other, we are both busy and we can't interact during school or in public. You are finally free! And now you are stuck in this boxed off relationship with me. It's not fair. And it's not enough."
"So this is about me?" Toni asked, confused at what Shelby was trying to say because when they fought it seemed like Shelby was the one frustrated at the lack of time spent together.
Shelby sighed, "Yes and no. I lo- you are the love of my life. I have never known love like being with you. I don't know if I will ever feel for someone else what I feel for you. I want you. So much. But how can we go on like this?"
"I don't understand though? You are the one that is forgetting. I have never forgotten you," she choked out.
"I have never forgotten you. I'm just trying to spare myself a little tiny bit of pain. It hurts when I'm with you, it hurts when I'm not. Two hours a week Toni. That's all I ever think about and I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much, I love you too much for two hours."
Toni ran a shaky hand through her hair. Her bottom trembling against her will. She had thought it before. But she could do it. She would suffer the pain of almost no time with Shelby. "Two hours is better than nothing to me. I don't want to live with any less than that."
"You don't get it Toni. You just..."
Toni could sense that Shelby was starting to get frustrated with her. She hated that. She hated that she didn't understand Shelby any more and she hated that Shelby knew that. She was so used to people getting frustrated with her after her brain injury, but it hurt 10 times more when it was Shelby because she used to just understand. They used to just get each other, Toni didn't usually have to work so hard to communicate with her.
"Then explain it to me," Toni said, desperation seeping into her tone.
"I'm still in it. You're not, and nothing makes me happier that you are happy and living with Martha. But I'm still in it. I still go home every day and eat dinner at the table with him. He's wondering why I don't have a boyfriend, he freaks out when I go a day without make-up, we still pray for my continued recovery at grace every night. These are things you don't have to think about Toni. But I do. And I sit through the bullshit every day of my life, for two hours a week with you. And it's just," Shelby paused and shook her head sadly, tears dripping from her chin, "not enough."
Toni's heart broke.
"It's easier when I don't have you to think about. Because at least then I can sit through it and it can go over my head. But I pay attention, because every time he mentions my name at dinner, I think he is going to say that he knows about you and I'm going back to that place." Shelby was breathing heavily now. "I'm terrified."
A thousand replied ran through Toni's head. The first thought, though, was 'you said we could do it.'
Toni had no idea what do say. It was cruel to ask Shelby to stay, But Toni felt like she couldn't live without her. Toni hadn't really lived until she met Shelby. Shelby was the reason that Toni was happy now. She would probably still be living at Carol's if Shelby hadn't come into her life. She might not have even had the option to live without her.
Now she had to.
"I'm sorry." Toni whispered, unable to muster anything louder. "I'm so sorry. I came here to fight for us but... I guess that is somehow the worst thing I could do. The last thing I want to do is make your life harder. Like-" Her voice cracked, "-Like I have been."
Shelby reached out for the first time, Toni sunk into her touch, the familiarity and comfort making her feel worse knowing that it was about to be ripped away from her. I guess I do get it, she thought despondently.
Shelby hesitantly stepped further forward and kissed Toni, but not before looking to see if anyone was around. The taste of tears on her lips making Toni clench her eyes shut, trying to stop her own tears falling. Shelby pulled her into a hug. "No, you haven't. You never make things harder. It's just me. It's just my life. It's just... Not the right time. And I think if we're honest it was never the right time."
Toni disagreed, even thought she tried not to. All she wanted was to make Shelby feel as thought she was making the right call. "I get that it isn't the right time now and I hate it but you're right. But it was one the perfect time. You said it yourself nearly a year ago. You wouldn't have known yourself the way you do no. And I wouldn't be living the life I am now. I would still be with Carol and you still would be living a lie."
Shelby's head hung low. Unspeaking. Toni's heart sunk. "Right? You don't- do you regret it?" She asked, regretting the words as soon as they came out, too scared that the answer would break her.
Shelby's head shot up in an instant, she pulled back from the hug just enough to let her eyes find Toni's. "No! no. I could never regret any of it. You're right. It just harder to think of how much this relationship- you gave me. This is just so much harder when everything you're saying makes me want to stay here and never let you go."
Toni blinked a tear out of her eye and pulled away. Letting her go so that Shelby didn't have to.
"As long as you don't forget who you are, like before... You'll be okay, I'll be okay. You can let me go if you have to," she added, her voice hoarse.
"Damn it!" Shelby wiped her face roughly, her skin red from the emotion and tears. "Stop making me cry."
Toni sniffed harshly, a watery smile emerging. "Right? We couldn't have just ended this on an argument?"
Shelby's flinch at the word 'ended' wasn't missed by Toni. She recovered quickly though. "There was something kind of poetic to that. Starting on an argument an ending on one."
It took an enormous effort not to reach out and pull Shelby back into her arms. But she resisted. She wanted to make this as easy as possible for Shelby. Toni would be okay. Toni had a support system. Shelby only had Toni. Until now.
She nodded sadly, recognising that all that could be said had been said. The rest would have to just exist in their own minds, and they'd have to be okay with that. She turned around quickly and walked off, imagining Shelby running after her, but she looked behind her and there was no one there.