Jade
"I need some time, Jade."
"Please don't do this again..." I begged, looking into Perrie's hurt eyes.
I fucked up. Again.
"Don't make this harder. Please?" She asked, her eyes starting to water.
"Perrie, don't do this." I shook my head. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"Stop!" She cried. "I know! I just... I can't deal with this right now!"
"Please, baby!" I cried, eyes filling with tears, my worst fear coming true. "I need you."
"I'm still here... I just need some time to process all of this." She replied.
"Why do you need me to leave? We can—" I started.
"Jade, please." She said, tears streaming down her face.
So were mine at that point.
"Perrie, you promised!" I cried. It felt like someone had their hand in my chest, pulling at my heart. "You said you wouldn't leave! You promised! You said this meant something to you!"
"It does! I'm not leaving!" She cried.
"You making me leave is the same thing! Only it's a coward move!" I yelled.
"What?!" She scoffed.
"You don't want to be the bad guy. You don't want to admit to yourself that I told you what I was afraid of, and you promised me it wouldn't happen, but here it is happening. You don't want to admit that you lied to my face! That you broke your promise! That even though I told you I was scared shitless of you leaving me, and you promised you wouldn't, you are!" I yelled.
"I'm not! I just said that I need a break!" She yelled.
"So now it's a break? For how long?" I asked.
"Until I process what you just told me!" She replied.
"I'm not understanding why I need to be gone for that? Is it hard for you to look at me?" I asked, noticing she hasn't once since we started arguing.
"You have another baby!" She yelled. "I'm having another baby! That's a lot to process!"
"I can't believe this. I can't believe you right now." I shook my head. "Are you serious?"
"Yes, Jade! I am!" She yelled.
"I'm standing here telling you right now, in case it wasn't clear to you, you are hurting me. Right now. You're pushing me away over a mistake I made years ago when we weren't even together, and it hurts like hell." I said, blinking tears out of my eyes.
"A mistake that's going to change our lives forever, Jade! Just give me some time to process it!" She yelled.
"I'm not leaving my baby because YOU don't know what you want!" I yelled.
"You've made that clear." She mumbled.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" I yelled. "I'm talking about Zahra! I would've never gotten a fucking DNA—"
"Mommy?"
I stopped and took a deep breath when I saw Zahra standing in the doorway, hugging her teddy bear and looking scared.
"Hi, princess." I said softly, still trying to calm my breathing down.
Perrie slammed the bathroom door, and I swear I wanted to kick it in. Instead, I kneeled down and picked up my baby girl.
"Why are you and mommy screaming?" She asked, laying her head down on my shoulder and tucking her teddy bear between us.
"Everything is okay, we were just talking." I lied, carrying her out of our room and closing the door behind me. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Mhmm." She mumbled, and I felt her nodding her head.
"Okay. Let me get you some breakfast." I said, taking her with me to the kitchen to fix her something to eat. She didn't want to let go of me, and honestly, I didn't want to put her down either. Who knows what's about to happen here.
When I finished making her breakfast, I sat her at the table to eat. I was sitting across from her, watching her eat as Perrie walked in the kitchen on her crutches.
I wanted to cry all over again, and I didn't want my baby to see it, so I got up and went back to our room. My head was spinning with thoughts as I paced the floor. I wanted to scream and punch the wall all at the same time. Then I heard the door open.
"Did you not get enough?" I asked coldly, turning around to look at her.
"What?" She asked.
"There was nothing confusing about that question." I replied.
"Look, Jade—"
"No, you look, Perrie." I said. "This is stupid. And I'm so tired of fighting with you. Stop. I'm seriously begging you. This is exhausting. Please don't make me do this. Please don't make me go."
"That's why I asked for time! I don't want to fight with you either, but right now it's all I have the urge to do!" She yelled.
"It's all you seem to ever have the urge to do." I replied. "All you want to do is fight, and I can't understand why."
"That not true!" She yelled again.
"Stop yelling, you're scaring my daughter." I said through gritted teeth.
"Okay, you're mad..." She sighed.
"Oh, I'm fucking furious." I replied. "I can't believe you."
"I'm not leaving you, Jade!" She yelled again.
"What did I just say?!" I asked, and she lowered her voice.
"I just need a minute. A lot is going on." She sighed.
"Yeah, with me too." I nodded. "Shit like this, married couples go through together."
"Jade, please. If you love me at all—"
"What the fuck?" I asked in disbelief. "Are you really about to say that to me? If I love you at all??"
"I just—"
"You are so fucking toxic." I said, and her eyes widened. "I can't believe I've never seen it before. I've been so blind."
"I am not toxic, Jade." She said, sounding offended.
"You are. You really are. From the very start. You might not know it, or hell, maybe you do and you're playing dumb, but you are." I shook my head.
"Can you just go, please?" She asked, and I just shook my head.
"You know what?" I laughed, despite the tears filling my eyes. "I sure in the hell can because I'm this close to tearing this fucking house to shreds. I'm not going to keep doing this with you."
"Doing what, Jade? I just asked for a fucking minute! Damn!" She yelled.
"When you get your little 'minute', and you've processed whatever it is that you just have to process on your own, leave me the fuck alone." I said, blinking out tears.
"Why would you say that?" She asked, crying too.
"Because I'm telling you in your face that you're hurting me, and instead of stopping and trying to find a better way to communicate, you're continuing to do it." I said. "So obviously, you don't give a fuck. About anyone other than yourself, that is."
"Jade, I'm not trying to hurt you. I just—"
"You need a minute. I heard you." I said, going over to my drawer and starting to change from my pajamas into sweatpants and a t-shirt. "But the thing is... you sound selfish as fuck. Like I said... toxic."
"How is that self—"
"I'm done talking to you." I said, turning around and pulling up my pants.
"Jade!" She yelled, as if I had said something wrong. As soon as I pulled my shirt over my head, I turned to look at her.
"What?!" I shouted, and she flinched. "You don't know how to talk. All you seem to know how to do is argue. I'm done. You want your 'minute' so badly, you got it. Take all the minutes you need."
"You're making it a big deal, and it's not." She said, and I swear it only made me madder.
"The fact that you just said that, even after I told you that you're hurting me... are my feelings not a big deal to you?" I scoffed.
"That's not what I meant!" She said.
"Tell me something... anything to make me believe otherwise." I said.
"What do you want me to say?" She asked.
"Nothing else." I said and walked right for the door.
"Really, Jade?" She asked. "All of this because YOU had another baby, and I need some time to process it?"
"Yes. Really, Perrie." I said, stopping at the door. "I'm understanding of how you probably feel about this whole thing. I know it's hurting you. The difference is, I'm willing to work through it with you, and you're not. You're just pushing me away, not giving a fuck about how I feel, as if your life is the only one that's just changed. You. Are. Selfish. And I'm done." I said, taking my ring off my finger and throwing it on the bed. "There's your minute."
"Jade, stop!" She cried.
"Don't tell me to stop now. You wanted this." I said. "You wanted me gone, I'm gone. Don't call me when you come to your senses tonight and you're in bed alone. Don't call me unless it's about my baby. I'm so done."
She stood there with tears in her eyes, but I just turned and walked out of the room. Before I got to the kitchen, I dried my eyes. Then I went to hug and kiss Zahra.
"Mommy, where you going?" She asked. "I need my shoes!"
Of course she wanted to go with me, and I tried so hard to hold in my tears.
"I'll be back, baby girl. I love you so much. Be good, okay?" I choked out as I kissed her forehead, and when I walked back out of the kitchen, Perrie was slowly walking out of the room.
I looked at her and clenched my jaw before turning and opening the door.
"Jade..." She said, but I didn't turn around.
I grabbed my keys from the hook and shut the door behind me. Where I was going? I had no idea. I just knew I had to leave. Tears blurred my vision as I drove away from my home. Heartbroken, angry, and confused.
I was spaced out at a red light, when my phone started to ring through the car. I looked at the caller ID and saw it was Sam. Not now. I ignored it and continued to drive, but every time it stopped ringing, she just called right back. She called about six times before I finally hit the answer button on the steering wheel.
"Hello?" I said, with no emotion whatsoever.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm driving." I replied.
"Driving where? Pull over." She said. "I'll come meet you."
"She called you didn't she?" I chuckled.
"That doesn't matter, Jade. She's concerned." She said, and I just got mad all over again.
"She has no fucking right to be concerned, when she did this!" I yelled, banging my fist on the steering wheel.
"Jade, pull over." Sam repeated.
"I'm fine." I said, still driving.
"Where are you going?" She asked.
"I don't know. And if I did know, I sure as hell wouldn't tell anybody." I said, eyes watering again.
"Come here then." She said softly. "Come to our place."
"I'm good." I said, wiping my eyes so I could see the road.
"What happened?" She asked.
"I don't really have the energy or the desire to talk about it. It's done." I said.
"Jade, what's done?" She asked.
"Us, for one." I replied.
"Don't say that. You don't mean that." She said.
"I don't think you understand how much I do. I can't keep doing this." I said.
"Is this about the baby? Is he yours?" She asked.
"Yeah." I replied. "And she fucking TOLD me to get out because she needs to process it. Whatever the fuck that means to her!"
"Jade, you love that girl. Don't do this." She said, and now she was starting to make me mad.
"I'm not doing shit! This is her doing! She wanted me gone, so I fucking left! You should've told HER not to do this!" I yelled.
"Okay. Okay. Calm down, babe. Can you just pull over?" She asked.
"Sam, I'm going to hang up now. Just because you had nothing to do with this, and I'm mad. I don't want to take it out on you. I'll talk to you again soon. I love you. Bye."
"Jade, wait!" She said, but I ended the call and reached for my phone to put it on Do Not Disturb. I was already just tired of hearing people's voices.
Tears brimmed in my eyes, and my heart felt like it was on fire. My stomach hurt. I was hurt. In the end, I ended up driving all the way back to my old home. I found myself sitting outside of the bar. Obviously it was still morning, so it was still closed, but I still had a key, so I got out and let myself in anyway.
I made sure I locked the door behind me, and went to sit in the back room. I took out my phone to send Kai a quick text.
Me: Hey, little bro. Just letting u know I'm at the bar rn.
His reply came in seconds.
Kai: At Indigo?
Me: Yes.
Kai: Ok. Everything ok?
Me: All good 👌🏾
Obviously that was a lie, but I didn't really feel like getting into all of that with him either.
Kai: Ok cool.
I looked at my phone and saw fourteen more missed calls from Sam, plus some texts, and a few calls and texts from Perrie. I ignored all of them, and tossed my phone on the coffee table in front of me, then laid down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling.
Tears rolled down my cheeks and dripped into my ears. How am I right back in the same place, and why is it so hard for me to fight this urge to go help myself to a bottle of alcohol? I'm not a drinker, at least, I'm not very good at it. I know this. But I'm also not a feeler. When it comes to heartache, that is.
I couldn't help but think of the first time I was like this. Heartbroken over her, and laying in this exact spot. I turned to drinking. Then again when she left me, I turned to drinking again, did some dumb shit, and that's how I ended up where I am right now.
What a fucking full circle moment.
I reached for my phone to see what time it was, and at the same time, I heard banging on the door outside. I looked at my phone and saw I had new texts and new missed calls from an unknown number. I ignored the banging on the door, because this isn't my bar anymore. They couldn't have been looking for me.
But I was wrong.
After opening the messages from the unknown number, I could see that.
Unknown: Jade, are you in town?
Unknown: Is this your car outside of Indigo?
Unknown: Answer the damn phone!
Unknown: That is your car. I know you're in there. We need to talk about your son. Open the door.
What the fuck?
I sighed heavily, continuing to ignore the pounding on the door, until I couldn't anymore. I walked out of the room and over to the front door, angrily snatching it open.
"What the fuck do you want, Jessica?!" I asked angrily, then looked down to see the kid standing next to her, holding her hand.
"I assume you got your results, and that's why you're here alone with bloodshot eyes." She said, brushing past me and letting herself in.
I rolled my eyes and closed the door behind her, then turned around.
"Go sit on the couch and play." She said to the little boy, giving him a toy.
He took it and ran across the room to climb up on the couch.
"I really don't have the energy for this today." I sighed, rubbing my face.
"Damn. No ring?" She asked. "I always knew she'd leave. That means we can finally be a family now."
"Is there a reason you're here, Jessica? How do you even know what kind of car I drive?" I asked, ignoring what she said.
"He's hungry." She said.
"So feed him." I replied.
"If I could, I would." She shot back. "I don't have any money."
"Neither do I." I replied, looking her up and down and immediately noticing her stomach. "Are you pregnant?"
"Does it matter to you?" She asked.
"No, it doesn't." I replied. "But for someone who is begging for money for their first child, you should probably chill on the baby making for a while."
"You should mind your fucking business!" She yelled.
"You're right. Well, I don't have any money." I said.
"You're lying. I know you do. Look at that house you live in!" She folded her arms across her chest.
"Do you see me there now?" I asked. "No."
"Bullshit. So you're just going to let him starve?" She scoffed. "You know he's your son."
Once again, I wanted to scream. She was the last person I wanted to be talking to. I sighed and went in my pocket to get my wallet. I pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to her.
"Get him a happy meal or something." I said.
She looked at the money, then at me.
"Seriously?" She scoffed.
"Oh, did you think I was going to feed you too? Fuck you." I said. "Are you going to take it, or not?"
"No, you know what? Fuck you!" She said, poking her finger in my chest. "I'm giving you a chance here. You can either give me money now, or I'm putting your ass on child support!"
"He's just a transaction to you, isn't he?" I asked. "Just a walking talking payday."
"No, he's my son. And yours too." She said.
"He's been my son for four years. Yet here you are now. Today. When I finally get my life together and get a nice job and a nice home. Here you come, skipping down the fucking street, setting my marriage and my whole life on fire because you want money." I said angrily. "Are you planning on doing the same thing with that baby?"
"I'm not doing anything. I was taking care of him by myself, and now I need help." She said. "It's as simple as that."
"Yeah, whatever." I said, walking away from her and going to sit at the bar.
"Are you going to give me the money, or what?" She asked, following behind me.
"Sit down." I said, looking at my hands.
"I don't have time—" She started.
"Sit the fuck down, Jessica!" I yelled, then took a breath when the kid looked up at me from playing with his toy.
"You can just pay me, and we don't ever even have to see each other. We don't have to talk to you." She said, leaning against the bar stool.
"I wouldn't give two fucks about talking to you again." I rolled my eyes. "But I can't just fucking forget he exists."
"Why not?" She scoffed. "Just go back to your perfect life."
"What perfect life?!" I asked. "You've completely fucked that for me!"
"I didn't make this baby by myself!" She said.
"Sounds like you did to me." I replied. "Since the truth is out, do you want to go ahead and tell me how?"
"I laid there and got fucked. That's how." She replied.
"That's bullshit and you know it. It's just us here now. Why keep lying? There's no ring on my finger. She and I are done. That's what you wanted, right? The least you can do now is be honest." I said.
"I am being honest." She rolled her eyes. "Where's my money, Jade? And I'm going to need more than five dollars, or I'm going straight to put you on child support." She said.
"I cannot believe I'm here right now." I sighed.
"Believe it." She said.
"Can you at least tell me his name, before you start using him to get money from me?" I asked angrily.
"It's Jaylen. And Jaylen is expensive." She said.
I took my wallet out again and took my money out, counting out fifty dollars, and getting ready to put the rest back in my wallet, but she reached out and snatched it, and threw the fifty back at me. I tried to snatch it back, but she leaned back and quickly put it in her bra.
"Are you fucking serious?!" I groaned.
"Stop being cheap." She scoffed.
"Ugh! Get the fuck out!" I said.
"If you change your mind or get lonely, you know where I live. I'm sure you still fuck like a pornstar. I wouldn't mind another night of that." She smiled and put her hand on my thigh, and I quickly smacked it away.
"Don't touch me, Jessica." I said flatly.
"You plan on playing daddy now?" She asked.
"No, because I'm not anyone's daddy." I replied.
"Whatever. You know what I mean." She rolled her eyes.
"Like I said, I'm not going to forget he exists. He didn't ask to be here." I replied. "So yeah... I'm going to be in his life."
"And what if I don't want you in his life?" She scoffed.
"I don't give a fuck what you want. You need to be worried about if I want him in your life now." I said.
"What is that supposed to mean?" She asked.
"It means, pull yourself together and be a better mother. For both of your children. I feel sorry for whoever the other kid belongs to." I shook my head.
"And if this other kid is yours too?" She asked.
"And how the fuck would that be my baby?" I asked. "I fucked you once four years ago, and I wish to hell I didn't."
"It only takes once. You cum a lot." She smiled.
"That doesn't even make any fucking sense." I replied.
"You left more than enough behind to get someone pregnant twice. Maybe even three times." She shrugged.
"What the fuck are you saying to me right now?" I asked angrily, standing up. "Are you finally admitting you did this your fucking self?!"
"No, I'm not. I didn't do anything myself. You contributed to it. Very generously, might I add." She smiled.
"I'm about to choke you the fuck out, if you're telling me what I think you are." I said, filling with rage.
"Calm down, baby. Not in front of the kids." She said, and I swear I was close to reaching for her throat.
"What. Did. You. Do?!" I asked through gritted teeth.
"I'm not saying I took your three condoms home and banked your sperm, if that's what you're asking." She smirked, and I lost it. I jumped up and almost choked her, but he was watching.
Instead, I walked over and got him from the couch, walked him to the back room, sat him on the couch, and closed the door. I was about to beat her ass up and down this bar, but when I came back out, she was gone. The door was wide open. I ran to it and looked outside, but she was long gone, and left me here with a kid.
"AHHHHHH!" I screamed frustratedly and slammed the door shut, wanting to break everything in sight.
I took deep breaths to calm myself down. There's no way she did that. That's sick. That's fucking weird. That has to be illegal. What the fuck? Why? Is she that fucking obsessed with me?
When I finally got myself together, I went back to the back room, and found the kid—Jaylen—on my phone. I blame myself for not having a passcode lock. At first glance, it looked like he was just swiping around, but then I saw a text pop up from Perrie.
Nice meeting your son.
I felt sick. I went to my recent calls, and sure enough, somehow he had FaceTimed her. This day could not get any fucking worse. Or so I thought. Then another text from her popped up.
So that's where you ran to? I want a divorce.
There's that word I knew was coming. Divorce. Wow, that hit me right in the stomach. I snatched my phone from the table and went to my contacts, hands shaking as I searched.
"Hello?" Kai picked up on the first ring.
"I need someone right now, Kai." I said, my voice breaking and tears filling my eyes. "P-Please tell me your nearby."
"Yeah, I'm like five minutes away. I'll be right there." He said, and I hung up and sat down, staring at the wall as I repeatedly blinked out tears. I felt broken, in more ways than one.
"I want mommy!" Jaylen started crying. Loudly. Throwing a complete tantrum right next to me, only sending me further up the wall. "Where's mommy?!"
I was about to lose my shit. I could feel it. Kai had better get here fast, because I was a ticking bomb, ready to explode.