It's 8 pm. That's what says in the clock. So he should be here anytime now. In that empty house Yibo could hear the tap of the clock clearly. It was just like his heart. Nothing else could remain in his mind. Only that he would arrive any time now. So it was clear and loud.
" tuh "
He heard something outside the door. Was it him? His heart started to race. He got up and walked to the door. He was hurring. He didn't want to make him wait. Not for a ten seconds.
With pounding heart he opened the door and there was nothing. Only the cold wind at night. Only the big tree before the house that was being handled by the heavy wind.
He is not here. Ah!.. He is not here yet.. Ah!. Thank god he is not here yet.
This was the same thing that happens at 8 pm every night. It starts at 4 or five clock. When Yibo starts to count the minutes left for 8. As the minute by minute goes all other thoughts in his minds get silent. Just after 7 he cannot do anything and think anything than wait in the living room.
He has to wait for him in the living room. He has to open the door for him tight away. Otherwise he would get angry.
Is everyone like this? Is this how every relationship is? That other person's arrival makes you scared ? That other person's arrival feels like a huge ordeal that you need to be ready for.
Well Yibo doesn't wonder things like that. He never question his relationship. He knows he doesn't have a right too. That person was so good to someone like him. That person was the only one with him when he was bed ridden. Only one who nursed him back to health. He had done so much for someone like him. A burden.
A burden. Something that would have been better if it was not here. If it was not born.
He had done so much for something like him. So Yibo doesn't have a right to question his relationship. To question the things he does to him.
Yibo would only accept whatever he does to him. Whatever his husband does to him. Whatever Xiao Zhan does to him.
Yes. That was his husband's name. Xiao Zhan.
Xiao Zhan was such a great man. He was once a rich man. Powerful man with a business. But everything fell down. Yibo doesn't know how his business went bankrupt and how he ended up being a office worker in someone else's company. But Xiao Zhan told him it was all because him. Him as Yibo.
That accident left Yibo bedridden for a whole year. When he opened his eyes a year has passed and memories of that year and the twenty something years before that were gone.
Xiao Zhan later told him that because he was with him everyday in hospital caring for him, doing for him that Xiao Zhan didn't have time to work in the office. And because of that his bussiness fell apart.
But Xiao Zhan was so kind that he still didn't leave him. Xiao Zhan was so kind that even if he lost his bussiness because of him , even if life was half destroyed because of him he still did everything to get him healed.
He got him transferred to the hospital in the village that they grew up together just because he thought that the familiar place would speed up his recovery. Xiao Zhan was so kind that he left the life in the city all for him.
Yibo knows Xiao Zhan had done so much for him. Yibo knows that he had destroyed Xiao Zhan's life. So he would accept it all. All his mean words. All his anger. All his yelling. He would accept it all and would never asks himself if he deserve more than this.
" knock knock "
He is here.
Yibo opens the door for him with a smile. He has to smile. Otherwise he will yell at him for destroying his mood too. But he knows Xiao Zhan would not smile back. Not even act as he saw him.
Xiao Zhan walks straight to the shower. Yibo hurries to wardrobe to pick out his clothes for him. He lays the clothes on the bed and he looks around the room. It was clean, tidy. Everything was perfect. Yet Yibo was nervous. What if something was not in its right place? What if he has missed something.
It's not Yibo's nature to be neat. He was a one who would make a mess wherever he goes. But now he is not like that. Has he changed? Not quite. He just doesn't want to a more burden than he already is. And he knows him being himself would burden Xiao Zhan.
He needs to perfect. Not that it would make him someone valuable. Someone that deserves his love. But still,... it would make him a less of burden.
Yibo takes a breath of relief as Xiao Zhan picks up the clothes on the bed without saying anything. So it must be that he didn't make a mistake while picking clothes for him.
Yibo hurries to the kitchen. He has to heat up the food. He can't make him wait. Food needs to be on the table when he comes. But not too early. Then the food will get cold. Like Xiao Zhan tells him, he comes home after a tiring day. Unlike Yibo he was not leisurely at home all day. So he deserves a good meal.
Yibo was nervous again. Xiao Zhan was about to taste the food. He tastes the first dish. He didn't yell. So its okay. He tastes the second. It's okay too. But third. Xiao Zhan's face changes into disgust.
Just as Xiao Zhan looked at him Yibo looked down. He heard him mumbling a " can't do anything right. " at him. He didn't dare to look up.
Yibo stayed there till he ends his meal and got up to turn on the TV. Yibo collected his plate, glass and all other bowls on the table and took them to the sink.
He began cleaning them. When he threw away that third dish his heart hurt a little. It was a new recipe. He spent two hours cooking it. He tried it yesterday and Xiao Zhan liked it then. But today he doesn't.
When he was done with the dishes he walked to the living room. And Xiao Zhan was there watching News and again paying him no glance.
In rare days Xiao Zhan would look at him and asks him something about his day. When that happens Yibo would be over the moon. He would feel slightly bit valuable than he was on other days. So he would always wait beside him wondering if he would ask about his day today.
Ten minutes passed.. half an hour passed..
An hour passed.. Looks like it's not going to happen today. Today he is not worthy enough to be asked about himself.
Keeping his head down Yibo walks to their room and roll to the corner of the bed. He was tired today. It rained heavily in that afternoon which led to a big branch of that tree in front of the house to break down and fell right in front of the gate. So Yibo had to cut it and pull the parts away from the gate.
It was no easy task. And after the accident he still hadn't gotten his health back. He was still weak. Doctor had advised him to refrain from doing heavy work at least for few years and its only been one year. But he had to do it. Otherwise Xiao Zhan wouldn't be able to take the car through the gate. That would make him mad.
So just as he laid on the bed he fell asleep.
But that was only for few minutes. He flinched as he heard that yelling in front of him. The moment he saw Zhan's angry face first thing he thought that what did he do this time. It's not sarcastic. He really wondered that. But even without knowing the reason he felt guilty.
Xiao Zhan yelled , yelled and yelled. He blamed him for doing nothing in the house. Blamed him for being lazy. He said that he had given him a place to sleep and food to eat but he cannot even do a simplest thing for. He cannot even make his bed for him.
Yeah that was the reason. Today in the morning Yibo had washed all the bedsheets, pillow cases, curtains and all other clothwears. He had dried them and put them back. But he forgot to put the blanket on the bed.
New blankets were inside the wardrobe. And Xiao Zhan didn't want to open it and get it himself. Instead he woke Yibo up and yelled at him for an hour. Gave him a big lecture about being a responsible life partner.
After Yibo got up and got a new blanket from the wardrobe Xiao Zhan went to sleep. Yibo too closed his eyes but sleep was no where near. Even while resting on the bed he felt tired. His heart and mind was tired. There was nothing to expect in life. Happiness? He cannot even imagine it.
Tomorrow morning he would wake up and would cook for him. After he leave he would started counting hours left for 8 pm. And spends the whole day wondering what would his mood be tonight. And the next day would be the same. And next... And the next...
Yibo had heard they say " life is amazing " , " you can do anything you want " " Being born is a gift itself ".. Yibo believe they are true. People in TV looks so happy. But its a truth that doesn't apply to him
Yibo thinks he is someone different than every human being on this earth. Why? Because they say that every life is precious that everyone deserves to be loved, when he clearly did not.
Yibo doesn't know when fell asleep. But when he woke up it was after 7 am. He panicked because he always get up at five am to make food for Zhan and wakes him up at 6.30 am.
Not wanting to make the matters worse he woke him up with a pounding heart. Just as he guessed he started yelling. Yibo ran to the kitchen as he said sorry. He has to make him something to eat.
Just in twenty minutes Yibo prepared something light. A dish was still on the stove. He can put it on table just in two minutes. Yibo ignored all the cuts and burns he got because he was in a too much of a hurry and he prepared the table.
Though his fingers were hurting when he looked at the table he felt proud about him. In that twenty minutes he could whipp out 3 three dishes. And after he place the other dish as well everything would be perfect.
But all his pride vanishes as Xiao Zhan sat on the table and complained that there were only three dishes on the table. He said he works hard to earn money for them but he doesn't even get proper food from his house.
So Yibo told him that there is another dish and asked him to wait a minute. And Zhan asked right back why he is useless. Xiao Zhan asked why he cannot fulfil these duties that every other housewife and househusband does so easily.
Yibo didn't have tears in his eyes. He was used to these kind of words. But it does not mean that these words didn't drove a nail through his heart.
In the end Xiao Zhan asked the ultimate question that torn his heart apart.
" What sins have I committed to have you in my life? "
Even though the forth dish too was properly cooked Xiao Zhan didn't wait to eat. He went straight to work. Not because he was busy. He had to make a point. That his husband was useless. That his husband doesn't fulfil his duties. That his husband was so uncaring that he doesn't care even if he goes to work hungry.
Even after the Xiao Zhan went out Yibo was still in the kitchen. Looking down at that forth dish. Those words were resounding in his ears.
His heart was like a glass object that Xiao Zhan just lifted and crashed on the floor. It was broken into thousands of pieces.
In the end he learnt that he was a karma from a sin. A result of a bad deed. Something that you would want to erase, change and forget.
And he was such a thing to the man who loves him. To the man who took care of him when he was bed ridden even at the cost of his own success. To the man who puts a roof over his head and food into his mouth. To the man who keeps him with him, when he doesn't have anyone else in the world. No family. No friends.
To the man who still didn't leave him when all he was is just a mistake of the universe.
Yibo didn't do the dishes. Instead he walked out of the house. Usually he was not allowed to go out of the house without Xiao Zhan's permission. Xiao Zhan said that it was not safe and Yibo always listened to him.
But now he was not in his right mind. Just the thought of being in that house for another minute suffocated him. So he went out through the gate and aimlessly walked forward.
Yibo felt extremely tired. And it was not exaggeration to say that his heart was broken to thousand pieces. It was like he could feel every piece of it being apart from the other pieces. His whole body hurt as if his body was crushed. He wondered about one thing.
He wasn't thinking about what he heard. He was not thinking about where things went wrong or how did they came to this point. None of it. He wondered only one thing.
In this world there were so many people dying from diseases. From accidents. All of them are precious. They are needed. Yet they die from early deaths. But then, why not him?.
Why is he not sick? He is walking around aimlessly. Why does he not get hit by something?
Why when the precious, needed people are dying everyday, How come someone like him, doesn't face an early death.
It would have been easy if he fell dead right now.
He somehow feels that if he felt an unbearable pain like getting into an accident or get seriously sick, then this pain he feels right would lessen.
Does he want to hurt himself? No. He just doesn't want to be in this pain that does not seems to stop.
Does he wants to die?. No. He just doesn't want to live.
Yibo had unconsciously walked to the village bridge.
It was tall and the water down below was dangerous. All he needs to do is to take few steps and all of it would be over.
He took a step forward. His breathing had fastened.
Was he taking rash decision? No. He is not. He didn't come to this point in one day.
Another step forward.
Does he not know that ending his life this way would not fix anything? No. He knows that. But can anyone prove him that staying alive can fix what's wrong with him.
Another step forward. He was on the edge.
Does he not afraid of the pain of dying. Yes. He is afraid of it. But now the pain of living has surpassed the pain of dying.
He closed his eyes. Standing on the edge of the bridge with cold air hitting his face he got ready to take the final breath of his life. He leaned in.
" No!!!. "
Almost inaudible screaming.
It came from behind. It was low sound but it made Yibo hold all his actions.
" No. Love. No... "
This time it was clearer. Louder.
It was familiar. Yibo didn't recognise the voice. But his body did. And his body obeyed that pleading and took a step back even before his brain took such a decision.
Yibo turned back and looked at him.
He was a man that Yibo doesn't know. But those tears dripping on his face hurt Yibo so much.
" Please sweetheart... Please don't. "
The man spoke again. As he spoke more tears dripped from this man's eyes.
This man was tall. This man had a fair skin and black hair. This man had a attractive mole right below his lip.
But that was not what shook Yibo to his core. It was this man's state.
He was a crying mess. He looked even more distorted than Yibo was.
This man was shaking in fear.
" Come back love.. Come back " the man sobbed.
This man looked as if he was about to loose his whole world.
The man stretched both his arms apart while sobbing.
" Love... Please come to me.. Come to me love. Come to me.. "
He was pleading Yibo to come into his arms.
Yibo looked at this man he doesn't recognise. The man that was pleading him to live. His tears finally found the way out of his eyes.
With tear dripping face Yibo asked that man.
" Why? Why do you want me to live? Who are you to me?.. "
That question made that man's sobbing stop. Through tears he smiled.
" I'll tell who you are to me. "
Yibo waited. Knowing that he wouldn't be anything to someone, he waited. Knowing that there was no chance of it happening, yet he desired to live.
The man's smiled was there. His arm were still pushed apart. The man looks at him in a way that Yibo had never known that he can be looked at.
" Yibo, oh love.. You are my treasure. You are the most precious one I have ever hold in my arms. You are the gift I received in this life. You are the gift I want in my next life and many more to come. You are my everything. You are my world. You are my life. You are the one I love. "
🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡🟡
To Be continued
2022.08.20
LanLoveXian