"I'm not sure I like the thought of you being around them again."
"I don't have a choice, Beck," I apprise, placing a folded t-shirt into my suitcase. "I have a job to complete."
"I still don't like it," Beck mutters as she crosses her arms.
"Trust me, neither do I."
"But you will once you get there."
"What do you mean?"
"As soon as you see the members, you'll fall back in love with them," she clarifies.
I snicker. "Really? That's what you're worried about?"
"I'm serious, Audaire."
Beck's pained expression sends a dagger through my heart; I can't bear to see her like this. So, I envelop her in a tight embrace, holding her so close to my body that we practically become one. "Nothing is going to happen between us. I promise you. Nobody is more perfect for me than you, Beck."
Around two years ago, I was invited to California for Justin and Grayson's wedding. Beck was a groomsmaid who didn't have a date yet, and since I would already be attending, Beck asked if she and I could just go together. I said yes, but planned on that night being a platonic one. I did in the beginning, at least...
We later ended up in the backseat of her car.
After that night, we continued to see each other whenever we could. As a professional dancer who tours with world-famous artists, Beck is gone a lot. We make the most of the time we have together though.
"Please don't go," she implores, her face buried in my chest.
"I have to. I am so, so sorry," I express. "But let's look on the bright side, yeah? You'll be in Korea next month, and we'll get to see each other when you are."
"What if you're busy with work?"
"I'm sure Alex can handle it on his own for a day or two."
"Well, when everything's said and done," Beck begins as she pulls away to meet my eyes, "can we finally start our lives together?"
I stare at her. "Like, as in getting married?"
She nods. "Yeah."
"But what about your dance career?" I ask. "You've hit the big time."
"I'll stop touring and open my own studio," she replies.
"You...You'd do that for me?"
Beck tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. "I'd do whatever it takes to be your wife."
***
I send Beck a text message to let her know I'd landed safely in Ohio. My family is waiting for me at baggage claim, and as soon as my mother spots me coming down the escalator, she sprints over. Kat then wraps her arms around me in a big hug once I'm on the ground.
"Mom, we're gonna get trampled if we stay here," I giggle.
"Sorry," Kat apologizes. "I'm just so excited that I got carried away."
"You always get carried away," my sister laughs. "Now let the rest of us have a chance to say hi."
"Right, of course," she acknowledges. "D, I'll go get your luggage off the carousel."
"Thanks, mom," I smile.
After Kat is gone, Annalise hugs me too. "I've missed you so much."
"I've missed you more," I impart. "Has the baby been sleeping better through the night?"
"You can't tell by the bags under my eyes?" she chuckles, pulling away so I can have a clear view of her face. "The answer would be no."
"Yeah, I didn't wanna say anything," I chortle.
She lightly shoves my shoulder. "Asshole!"
"Hey, that's an assault on a federal officer!" I exclaim. "I have my cuffs on me, y'know."
"Oh, give me a break."
I point my finger at her. "Don't test me, young lady."
Annalise playfully rolls her eyes prior to grabbing my hand. "C'mon, let's get out of here. This place is a madhouse."
***
On the morning before I'm set to depart for Seoul, I offer to take Emersyn to her Korean tutor's house because Everette, my baby nephew, kept Annalise up all night crying. He did eventually fall asleep, but not until around the time of Emersyn's lesson. I told my sister I'd bring her to her tutor so she could get some rest.
It was about a year ago when Emersyn began taking Korean lessons. Annalise wanted her to learn another language while she was young, and she let Emersyn pick which one she'd like to study. Lo and behold, Emersyn chose Korean.
She found a love for Kpop on her own, so I assume that's the reason she decided on Korean. I do, however, sometimes wonder if the members still hold a spot in her memory. And although I've been too afraid to bring them up, Emersyn is not. Because as we're driving to her lesson, my niece suddenly asks, "Aunty? Do you talk to Kookie anymore?"
Tears immediately start to prick the corners of my eyes at the mention of him. I'm forced to pull over to the side of the road and put the car into park. Afterward, I release a cleansing breath in an attempt to prevent a bursting dam of sobs.
"Are you alright, Aunty?" asks Emersyn, staring at me in confusion.
Clearing my throat, I say, "Yeah, I'm sorry, I just...wasn't expecting that."
Not saying anything, she digs into the pocket of her jacket and reveals a Polaroid photo. Emersyn then hands the picture to me, my hand trembling as I take it from her. I have to work up the courage to look at it, but at long last, I do.
The photo is of Jungkook and a tiny, young Emersyn. She's sitting on his lap with a mouthful of pretzels. I had taken the picture during Annalise's graduation party, completely forgetting about it until now.
With a small, sad smile dancing across my lips, I flip the Polaroid around and read,
To Emmy,
With love,
Kookie.
I can no longer keep the dam at bay, and a few tears spill down my cheek.
"You remember," I whisper.
"Of course I do," she proclaims. "I never forgot about them."
"Them."
Emersyn nods. "I remember all seven of them."
"You were only two," I utter. "How?"
"Maybe I was never meant to forget them."
Maybe I was never meant to either.
"Have you been holding on to this all these years?"
"Kind of," she replies. "I was going through grandma's pictures to make a family tree for school, and I found it buried under the others." Emersyn then points at the Polaroid. "They came back into my mind when I saw it."
I gaze at her through penitent eyes. "I'm so sorry, honey."
"Why're you sorry, Aunt D?"
"Because I took them away from you."
Emersyn shakes her head. "You didn't take them away from me."
"I did," I state. "If I would've just stayed and talked it out, they'd still be in your life."
"It's okay, Aunty," she expresses, wiping a fallen tear from my cheek. "I never blamed you."
I flash her a doleful smile. "Thank you, Emmy."
Like me, it must be difficult for her to talk about the members because she begins to tear up too. "I just wish your friends came to say goodbye."
"After their trip here, you never saw them again, did you?"
Once more, she shakes her head. "When mommy was in Korea, they promised to see me soon. But they didn't."
"I'm so sorry," I apologize for a second time.
"It was a long time ago," Emersyn conveys. "I'm fine now."
Although Emersyn says she's okay, I know it's a lie. If she was truly "fine", then she wouldn't be crying. However, I can't criticize her for being dishonest about her feelings. I'd be a hypocrite for doing so because I, too, say I'm fine whenever the members or our past relationship is brought up. That's why I try to avoid the topic at all costs; I hate lying to those around me.
Regardless, I need to keep pushing those feelings down, deep into the pits of my subconscious. Because starting tomorrow, I can't (and won't) consider the members of BTS as my ex-boyfriends whom I ended on bad terms with. Those seven men will be nothing other than a boy band I'm ordered to assist.