trigger warning : mentions of mental illness, suicide and anxiety.
Zac's heart thudded harshly against his rib cage as he made his way through the teen home. He barely took in the scenes around him, his eyes blurry as he desperately tried to hold back the burning tears that brimmed his waterline. His mind and feet worked as one as they led him to the reception desk. Locking eyes with the woman behind the counter, he gave her a pathetic, barely noticeable, tilt of the lips.
She looked at him with what Zac could only assume to be sympathy. Her eyes staring intently into his as if she knew exactly what had happened only moments ago.
Did she know? Zac thought, swallowing the harsh lump in his throat. Did she truly know how much his heart was hurting, how every given beat felt like a sucker punch? No, he decided, giving his head a slight shake. She couldn't know how this felt. He didn't want her to know how this felt. He wished he didn't know how this felt.
Their stares held for a few moments longer, an unspoken mound of pity pouring to him from her stare alone. Zac didn't like the way she looked at him, he didn't want pity, he wanted answers. He needed answers. He needed someone just to tell him what the right thing to do was. He needed someone to tell him that this was the right choice. He'd never wanted, no, needed, his mother's reassuring hugs and his father's wise words more than he did right now.
The sympathetic smile on her lips faltered slightly, and Zac wondered if she could actually hear his unspoken thoughts, if she somehow knew exactly what he wanted. Whether she did, or not, he'll never know. Instead of saying anything, she lowered her gaze to the wood and pressed the buzzer beneath the desk. A soft beep echoed in the air, the sound alerting Zac that the doors were now unlocked and if he wanted to, he could escape from this same place he'd be leaving his son a prisoner to.
He lowered his eyes from hers, shamefully. Gulping slightly, his feet felt like they'd fallen asleep as he slowly moved towards the exit. His hands frantically gripped the brass handle bars, trembling profusely as he pulled the door from the latch, allowing him to run in the opposite direction of where he should've been going, where Leo needed him to be.
As Zac's feet stumbled from the off white floors of the teen house, to the outside concrete, his cheeks flushed red in an instant, the cold march wind infiltrating his skin like a million prickly needles. The bitter chill caught in his throat and had him gasping. Or maybe it wasn't the chill, maybe it was just him. He was gasping when he should've been grasping — grasping onto Leo in the ways the younger boys eyes had begged him to.
I should've told him that his assumptions were false. I should've reassured him that whatever the voices told him — they were wrong. I should've done more, so much more.
But he didn't. He couldn't do that. How could he give Leo reassurance and tell him that everything would be okay, if Zac himself didn't believe that to be true? Sure, he hoped it would be, but hope and fact are two universes apart.
A broken sob broke through Zac's lips. He doubled over, releasing one pathetic sob after another. He didn't want to cry, but he couldn't stop the tears from falling, each and every droplet filled with the heart aching regret and uncertainty he felt. It was endless. They were endless. All he could do was hope that this feeling itself wouldn't hold the same fate.
After managing to somehow ease the manifestation of his tears, Zac tilted his wet face to the sky and closed his eyes. What have I done? Placing his hands on his hips, he exhaled breath after breath, gasp after gasp. What the fuck have I done?
Was bringing Leo here a mistake? Was he stupid for believing that strangers could help his son more than his own family could? More than he could?
Will he ever look at me that same way again? Zac couldn't help it when his mind lost it's self in old heart warming memories.
When Leo was a kid, between the ages of maybe four and seven. He used to get so excited when Zac came home from school. Everyday, at four o'clock on the dot, Zac would open the front door to their home. He would just manage to slip his school bag from his shoulders, dropping it to the floor by his feet, before a small body barrelled into his knees and bright blue eyes looked up and locked to his.
It was a look he'd never forget. He could picture it now, the way Leo stared at him as if he was the greatest superhero to ever walk on earth. How Leo's eyes would light up brighter than any Christmas tree he'd ever seen, so vibrant and crystal blue. The way he'd gaze at Zac with the most dazzling childlike toothy grin, lifting his arms up just waiting to be surrounded by his older brothers warmth.
Zac missed it, fuck, he really fucking missed it.
As the years went by Leo's eyes grew dull, the vibrancy replaced by a darkness Zac could never begin to understand. His teeth became hidden behind his lips, never once showing that toothy grin Zac loved to see. His smiles were no longer childlike. Instead, on the rare occasions that he would offer a tight, stiff lipped, barely noticeable curve of muscle, it was thought out, pre planned: a false display of happiness that he never truly felt.
Why am I only realising how much pain he must've been in now?
Why didn't I fight more? Why didn't he fight more?
Why did I allow myself to think he was okay, all these years... why?
There was always a small, barley lit fire in the very centre of Zac's heart. One that never fizzled to ash and embers. One made up solely by sticks of hope. Hope that he would be on the receiving end of that look, that smile, that brightness. And maybe, just maybe, he had hope that one day he could once again he the superhero Leo had always portrayed him to be, instead of the villain he now felt.
No, Zac realised, this isn't a stupid decision, this isn't a mistake. These people could help Leo in ways he could only dream of, he knew that for a fact. He'd missed every sign that now seemed so blatantly obvious, so how could he be of more help than trained professionals? Simple answer: he wouldn't be. He'd come to terms with his choice now, he had to do this for Leo, he couldn't throw in the towel now, not before giving this place a chance. And if that meant he had to deal with Leo's anger and hurt, then he would. At the end of the day, Leo could break his heart a thousand times, but never in a million years would Zac ever leave him.
The only mistake Zac now realised he'd made was the way he went about things. He didn't give Leo a choice in this whole process. He told him he was being admitted. He told him it would help him. He told him it was for the best. Never once in all his telling did Zac ever ask Leo how he felt. Never once did he take Leo's choice into consideration. If anything, Zac took away that choice away from Leo, just like he did.
How could I do that to him?
There was nothing Zac could do now to fix yet another one of his mistakes. The decision has been made and there's no changing it, so now the ball lies in Leo's court. This was when his choice mattered most, and Zac was terrified at what choice that may be. It's a coin toss, really. Except, instead of heads or tails, it's fight or flight. And only Leo could be the one to decide if he's flying or falling.
***
Standing outside the teen home still lost in thoughts and old memories, a hand found it's way to Zac's shoulder. He jumped slightly at the unexpected touch, though he made no move to turn and face his unwanted guest. He knew it was Charlie, he didn't need to look to know that for a fact. He just, well, he just knew.
"You alright?" Charlie's soft, smooth voice filled the silence.
"Fine." Came Zac's clipped response. As much as he'd come to terms with his choices, he still felt somewhat angry and hurt by the world and everyone in it. He needed time, he needed silence. He didn't need Charlie.
"What Leo said—"
Spinning round to face him, Zac cut Charlie off. "Not now, Charlie, please."
Charlie's made a face, one Zac could only describe as a mix concern and annoyance.
"Zac, I just—"
"Jesus Christ," Zac rubbed his hand down his face. He knew Charlie had gone from friend-mode to therapist-mode. And God, he really fucking hated when he done that. "Stop." He said, holding his hand up in the same gesture as that one word. Hard blue eyes locked to annoyingly amused gold. "I'm not in the mood for a motivational speech right now. I don't want to talk. I don't want your reassurance, nor do I want your help. I'm fucking fine, Char, okay?"
"Aren't you a ray of fucking sunshine." Charlie said, a slight laugh in his tone.
"Charlie," Zac warned.
"Nope." Charlie sang, and Zac drew in an exasperated breath. God fucking help me.
"Now, you're going to listen to what I have to say, Z. I'm your friend, aren't I?" Zac nodded, unfortunately. "I'm going to ignore the look you're giving me right now and get right in to my motivational speech," he said, using hand quotations, mockingly. "Leo didn't mean what he said. He's hurt, angry, confused... but mostly, he's scared, Zac. He's terrified. Just... please, take his words with a pinch of salt right now. I have a feeling that my grumpy dwarf is going to well and truly live up to his name."
Zac sighed, "I know, Char. I know he didn't mean it." That doesn't mean it didn't hurt though. He wanted to add but decided against it. He couldn't be vulnerable right now. If he allowed himself to be, he'd break again. And Zac was far too exhausted for that. Emotionally, mentally, physically...
"Thanks for saying it though. I know it might not seem like it, but it does mean a lot for me to hear you say it." He smiled slightly, patting Charlie's shoulder before heading back to the entrance of the teen home. "I'm going to get Alex and Jack and head home. You're going to be here tonight aren't you?" He called to Charlie over his shoulder. From what he remembered, Charlie always stayed overnight whenever one of his clients got admitted.
Charlie nodded, sending Zac a reassuring smile. "Yeah, I'll be here all night."
Zac bit his lip slightly, his eyes guarded and unsure. "You'll... you'll let me know how Le is, yeah?"
"Of course I will!" Charlie said with a frown and waved him off. Zac could tell just by his expression that he had offended Charlie with the question. Just as he went to offer a half-hearted apology, Charlie rolled his eyes and brushed past him. "Goodnight, Zac."
***
"What was that?"
Jack was leant against the wall outside Leo's room, his head resting against the white brick. He opened his eyes at the sound of Alex's hardened voice, tilting his chin to the left, he met the older boys gaze. "What was what?" He said back, knowing exactly what Alex was referring to.
"Don't play fucking dumb with me, Jack." Alex said through clenched teeth, letting Jack know just how angry he was. In the years Jack has known Alex, excluding the time where he punched Grey. The older boy had never been one to show his anger unless heavily provoked. He was always calm, always cool, always collected... he was rarely ever like... this.
"Why did you speak to Le like that?"
"I didn't mean to come across as aggressive as I did, Alex. Okay?" Jack gritted out, running a stressed hand through his messy hair. "I stand by what I said, though. Leo wasn't being fair."
Jack knew he'd been unfair to call Leo out, especially given the circumstances, but he couldn't help it. He had to say something. Zac was trying his hardest, Leo had to see that. The truth could be ugly, but the truth could also set you free. Leo was lucky to have someone as caring as Zac, they all were. To Jack, give credit where credit is due. And by God, Zac deserved a fucking medal for the shit he'd had to deal with recently.
"Fuck fair," Alex said, taking an angered step towards him. "You want to talk about fair, Jack? Then what you just done in there is the least fair thing in all of this. Leo is fucking terrified, of course he's going to lash out at the people who care for him the most. We should've expected it, prepared for it. The last thing he needed to hear right now, was how much he's hurting everyone else. Don't you think he knows that already? Don't you think he hates himself for calling Zac by name? Couldn't you see how overwhelmed he was becoming?"
"I-I..." Jack stammered and slowly allowed his body to slid down the wall, his bum hitting the floor with a barely audible thump. He groaned, pulling his legs to his chest, he rested his forehead against his knees and exhaled heavily.
Seeing Jack's so worked up, Alex sighed. He moved towards the blonde, copying previous actions, Alex took the space on the floor at Jack's left, ensuring to leave a gap between them as not to overwhelm Jack further.
"Look, I get it." Alex said softly, his fingers on his left hand absentmindedly playing with the rings on his right. "You didn't like to see Zac so upset. I didn't either, but we can't make Leo feel even more abandoned than he already does. Just... ease up a little. This ain't like you."
"Ain't like me?" Jack tilted his head to the side, his eyes focusing on Alex and Alex alone. Voice soft, yet determined, he said. "I'm not scared of telling people when they're in the wrong, Lex. That includes Le. We can't coddle him and let him think that just because he's going through something huge right now, means he can treat people like shit. You've seen how stressed Zac's been this week. Leo hasn't spoken to him for days and the first day he does it's to hurt him?"
"That's right, you're not scared, but Leo is and you're also the one person he more than likely trusted most until now. Didn't you see him shake his head at you on the way in here? That's the first he's acknowledged any of us in days, Jack. And I'm scared that your words and delivery of them could have shattered every, or, any, bit of hope Leo had left for us. I'm not saying that Leo was right. I'm not dismissing the fact that he really hurt Zac. All I'm saying is that he doesn't need to be called out on shit like that, at least, not today of all days."
"Fuck, you're right. " Jack grabbed his head in his hands. As much as Leo's words caused Zac to breakdown, today wasn't about Zac, it was about Leo. Jack and Alex were meant to be here for him, to support him. "Why, of all fucking times, does it need to be now that I fuck up?"
"I wouldn't say you fucked up." Alex shrugged. "Misread and misjudged a situation, sure."
Jack raised an eyebrow and shot Alex a look that screamed really?
"Okay, okay. That was bullshit, I know." Alex smiled sheepishly and raised his hands in surrender, shuffling closer to Jack, so close that their shoulders brushed with every breath. "Maybe you did fuck up. But that's okay, we're human, we make mistakes. I wouldn't worry too much about it, I know that if anyone can talk Leo round then it's you."
"Leo's too forgiving for his own good." Jack grumbled, exhaling heavily. "I should've just let him vent out his frustrations, Lex. Why did I have to put my foot in it, that's such a fucking Grey move. Fuck," Jack feigned a gag and looked at Alex pleadingly. "Be honest with me, love, am I turning into Grey? 'Cause if I am, please, shoot me in the fucking head."
"That's a tiny bit overdramatic. If I were you, I'd take a look around, J. This really isn't the best place to ask for assisted suicide."
"Really? This is your topic of conversation right now?" Zac asked as he approached, his face like a picture of his mind, the defeat so clear it may as well be written on his forehead with a sharpie.
"C'mon, Zac." Alex grinned, "everyone loves a little dark humour."
"Whatever," Zac waved him off, he was on the brink of shooting himself in the head if he had to listen to this shit any longer. "We're going home." He said simply, gesturing with a nod towards the hallway he'd just ventured down. "Let's go."
Both teenagers stood, Alex turning to Zac with furrowed brows. "You're not going to see Le before we go?" His eyes glanced to Jack, "neither of you?"
Zac stared at him, the disbelief so clear in his eyes. He knew Alex wouldn't agree with his choice. "I'm coming back tomorrow, Ale. I think it would be best to let Leo get settled in and maybe calm down a little before anything."
"I agree." Jack said rather timidly. He knew Leo wouldn't be in the right mind for any form of apology or conversation.
Alex stared between the two of them again, the disappointment in his eyes was clear to both Jack and Zac, the look alone causing them both to shrink back a little. Alex tutted, shaking his head briefly before walking away from them without a word.
Great, Zac thought. Just fucking great.
***
The car ride home was painfully silent.
Alex spend the majority of the journey staring out the window pretending neither Zac or Jack existed. Whilst Zac seemed somewhat vetted my by this, Jack wasn't too bothered, not really. He was used to this side of Alex, it was his trait after all. If things didn't go his way, or if he felt you'd been wrong in a situation, Alex liked to make you feel that guilt in stillness.
And by Christ did Jack feel it.
As they pulled up to their residence, throw the large iron gates, and down the long gravel drive way, Alex waisted no time in exiting the car, heading inside without so much as a glance at either of them.
"I hate when he does that." Zac mumbled with a slight sigh in his tone. Pulling the keys from the ignition, he exited the car. "Like, really hate it."
Jack allowed himself to chuckle slightly as he unbuckled his seat belt. Following Zac, he, too, climbed out of the passenger side and made way towards the front door of their home.
"The creepy silent thing that makes you feel like shit? Me too."
"Why can't he just be vocally angry instead of brooding?" Zac groaned.
Jack raised an eyebrow, "You want him to act like Grey?" He gasped, dramatically. "Or worse, Ace?"
Rolling his eyes, Zac smacked the back of Jack's head. "Stop being mean. You know what I'm trying to say."
"I really don't," Jack told him dishonestly. As they entered the foyer, slipping the sneakers from their feet, Jack gave Zac a small pat on the shoulder and said, "I'm going to check on Lil and the twins. I wonder if they're still pissed at you."
"I can assure you — they are." Zac grumbled, lifting his fingers to his neck, he ran his finger around his tie and rugged, loosening the the navy material that felt more suffocating than he remembered. "You understand why I didn't want them there today, right?" He asked Jack in a soft — almost nervous voice.
"I do," Jack nodded. Seeing the unease in Zac's gaze, he offered him a small reassuring smile. "You done the right thing, Zac. Leo was overwhelmed today, having them there, especially Lily, or, Ace, it would've been too much for him. Ace can't keep in his anger anymore than Lily can her tears. Don't worry about them, okay? I'll talk to them."
"Thanks, bambino." Zac exhaled a soft breath of relief. You done the right thing. "Thank you so much." He repeated. Opening his arms, he looked at Jack for permission, waiting for the nod of approval before pulling the blonde into a grateful, warm, much needed hug. "I love you."
"I know," Jack mumbled against the fabric of Zac's shirt. "I love you too."
***
The faint aroma of roasted chicken greeted Zac as he entered the kitchen. Grey stood in an off-white apron coated in various stains, one hip propped and leant against the counter top. He had his glasses on for a change, his nose buried in the cook book in his left hand, whilst his right held a wooden spoon over a pot of what Zac assumed to be soup.
"Is that for Cal?" Zac asked, his eyes amused as Grey jumped, the spoon falling in the soup, the book falling on the floor. "Sorry," he said, unapologetically.
"You almost gave me a heart attack." Grey breathed, one hand clutching the fabric over his heart. He inhaled a deep breath, nodding as he bent over to pick up his fallen book. "Yeah, it is. He's still not feeling great, hasn't moved from his bed all day. So, I'm making some chicken soup."
Zac frowned, his chest fighting with worry.
"I'm gonna give the doctor a call."
"I wouldn't bother with that," Grey waved him off, his back turned as he fished his spoon from the pot of boiling chicken and veg. "He already told me not to, apparently he's got a check up in a couple of weeks. Plus, he thinks it's just a heavy flu." Grey scoffed, mumbling stupid medical students under his breath.
"Alright," Zac hummed and nodded, agreeing with Grey's whispered statement. He didn't like the idea of Callan waiting weeks before having his check up. He'd been feeling under the weather for close to a week now. It was amusing, really. Amusing that a medical student was overly stubborn when it came to his own health, yet, if it were anyone else in Callan's position, he'd be the first to rush them to the clinic. Stupid medical students. "How's the rest of them been?" Zac asked apprehensively.
Grey turned to him, lips pressed in a fine line. "Pissed. Angry. Upset." He said, leaving a dramatic pause between each word. "They'll get over it eventually. How was Leo?"
"Pissed. Angry. Upset." Zac repeated those same words, a large sigh escaping him as he pressed his elbows against the breakfast bar, eyes locked on the ombré marble. "And terrified, so fucking terrified, Grey."
Zac heard Grey's steps before a hand found it's way to his shoulder, a soft but comforting squeeze pressed against his skin.
"Things will work out, Z. Charlie and Dr Owens wouldn't have recommended this course of treatment if they didn't think Leo had the strength to handle it. Give him more credit, he's a tough kid."
"He called me Zac." He admitted quietly, feeling the hurt from that one word, one name, wrap around his heart and squeeze it tightly.
"This isn't forever, fratello. Leo just needs a little bit of time to process things, he'll understand why he is where he is soon enough." Grey moved his hand from Zac's shoulder, gently tapping the base of his chin, silently telling him to meet his gaze. Smiling as their eyes locked, he continued. "No matter what gets said in the heat of the moment, you are and will always be his Dad. You know that, and Leo knows it too. He's just upset, Z. From my experience with these situations, kids say a lot of hurtful things they don't mean when they're scared. Don't overthink this, sì?"
With a trembling lip, Zac straightened his stance and pulled Grey into his arms. "Thank you," he whispered, hugging him tighter. "Who are you and what have you done with my idiot brother?" He said with a watery chuckle.
"I meant it when I said I wanted to be better, Zac." Grey said softly. Pulling back, pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose, he lowered his gaze from Zac's. "I've been a terrible brother lately, not just to Le, but to all of you, too."
"Grey," Zac shook his head. "You haven't been terrible. You've been a dick, yeah, but you're not a bad brother."
"I am, Zac. You don't need to lie to me. I want you to tell me when I'm wrong, I want to change, I need to change in order to fix my mistakes and stop them from happening again." Grey said, gulping harshly. "I knew there was something off with Le, yet, I continued to start an argument with him rather than talk to him and deal with the truth. I'd like to say I had a good reason for why I acted how I did, but I don't. I was being selfish."
"Grey,"
"Let me speak. Please." Zac pressed his lips together and nodded, gesturing to the breakfast bar chairs with his hand. They sat facing each other, Grey inhaled a shaky breath before continuing on from where he left off.
"It was easier for me to act like Leo was just being a moody teenager. I ignored all the things that I had already seen but didn't want to see. I made myself erase it all because I was scared. I didn't want to accept the fact that my little brother could one day have to face the same journey I'd seen hundreds of kids fail to complete."
Zac felt helpless as tears fell from Grey's eyes. He could hear the guilt lacing his brothers every word, not only hear, but feel it too, like walking barefoot in the midst of a snow storm; bitter, cold and breathless. He knew Grey had fucked up, but Zac also knew how deeply Grey loved. Everyone has their flaws, and maybe loving too much was Grey's biggest flaw. He allowed his love to drive his emotions. His love would ignite his fear, which then stemmed to anger, and he allowed that anger to consume him in the darkest of days.
"I don't understand depression, or schizophrenia, and maybe I never will. I've been taught about multiple mental illness' for work, but I've never experienced any of those feelings for myself. If there was a way that I could infiltrate Leo's mind and be a fly on the wall on the inside of his thoughts, I'd do it in a heart beat. I want to see the world the way he does. I want to hear what he hears, feel what he feels, hurt how he hurts. I want it all, Zac, even if it's only for a day. Because if I could do that, then maybe I'd have a better understanding of how to help him. What to do — what to say."
Grey's voice grew quieter towards the end. His glasses now set on the breakfast bar between them as he frantically tried to wipe away the endless flow of salty tears. "I just want to be better for him." He choked out, breaking down in sobs. His shoulders shaking as he repeated that same phrase over and over again.
Zac stood from his seat, his cheeks wet and slightly red from the moisture of his own tears. He rounded the breakfast bar and pulled his younger brother to his chest. "Sh. Everything will be okay. You've accepted your mistakes, you're trying, Grey. It'll all work out in the end. Leo will forgive you and you'll make it up to him, I know you will."
"Why can't I be like you?" Grey mumbled, and Zac stilled.
"What?"
"You're so good with all of them, Z. You put them first, you always know what to do, what to say. I just... I wish I was a little bit more like you." Grey tilted his head and looked Zac in the eyes. "You're the perfect brother."
"I'm not perfect, Grey. I am who I am because I have all of you. And you need to cut yourself some slack, you'll become the brother you want to be, there's no rush. You'll learn and grow, fratello. We'll be there to guide you every step of the way." Zac said, tapping Grey's cheek twice with his palm before stepping back and grabbing a box of tissues. Handing them to Grey, he spoke up again.
"You know, we, all of us, we're just like the ocean." He could tell by the teary, confused look on his face that Grey had no clue where Zac was going with this, but still, he continued. "No sea blends perfectly to the shore, there's dark patches, shallow waters where the sandbanks hide the deep ends, where invisible rips weigh you down when you least expect it, and waves disfigure the sand on shore. Yet, people say they mould together flawlessly, picturesque. Perfectly imperfect. That's what we are, what our family is: perfectly imperfect. We work because we're us."
"Perfectly imperfect." Grey repeated, and Zac nodded.
"Exactly that."
***
The front door opened before slamming closed with a force so powerful it made Zac flinch. Grey seemed unaffected by the soup, the only emotion Zac detected was a slight eye roll as he poured a bowl of soup for Callan.
"It's Ace," Grey said without even looking towards the hallway. His jaw was slightly clenched, though his tone much calmer than Zac would've expected. "He's come to collect some clothes."
"What do you mean 'come to collect some clothes?' He's coming home, we agreed that he could stay with Rafe for a few days. It's been almost a week." Zac stood, shaking his head in disbelief.
"He said he doesn't want to come home, Zac. Aaron text me a few hours ago and said he'd told Ace he could stay for as long as he wanted to."
"And you said that was okay?" Zac said, his voice an octave higher. "Seriously, Grey?"
Grey spun round, a ladle in his hand which he pointed directly to Zac. "What else could I do? Believe me, Zac, I wanted to drive over there and drag Ace home myself, but I couldn't do that. Just like Leo, Ace needs time to deal with all this change. I told you I'm trying to learn from my mistakes, this means I need to be more open minded, which is what I'm trying to be."
"You're spilling soup on the floor." Zac said simply, his lips pursed as he stared at the puddle on the tiles. "I'm going to talk to him."
"Is that a good idea right now?"
"What do you mean by that?"
Grey sighed and placed the ladle back in the pot. He grabbed a paper towel and proceeded to clean up his mess before turning his attention to Zac. "This is going to sound real rich coming from me, but... you just seem a little... angry? Maybe wait and calm down before talking to Ace? I know how much he can work you up."
Zac blinked, twice, thrice. "You're seriously giving me advice on anger?"
Grey raised his hands in surrender, "Don't say I didn't warn you." He said in a sing-song voice.
Zac rolled his eyes and left the kitchen in search of the one brother who possibly hated him more than Leo did right now.
***
Zac found his way to Ace's empty bedroom.
A rucksack filled with freshly folded clothes lay packed on the bed. Three packs of anxiety medication laid out beside it. He shouldn't need so many pills. Zac thought, a feeling of unease spreading to his heart.
He's not going to do that, he wouldn't do that.
Zac hated that Ace felt so anger at them, that he found his only option was to leave. He'd stayed with the Beckets for four long days now, and it worried Zac and the others beyond words. Ace had never spent a night away from them, let alone four. His separation anxiety simply didn't allow him to do so. Fuck, he'd never even experienced a fucking sleepover, how the hell was he coping being away from them?
Is he eating? Is he sleeping? Is he okay? Questions poured into Zac's mind, questions that he found the answers to as soon as Ace exited his en-suite and locked eyes with him.
"What are you doing in here?" Ace asked, his voice distant and hard.
"I want to talk to you." Zac said simply, ignoring how his pulse continued to rise. Why the fuck does he have so many pills?
"And I want a hairless cat. We don't all get what we want, Zac." Ace grumbled, avoiding eye contact as he stuffed his sleep sound machine into the rucksack.
"You don't look well, Ace." Zac told him, his eyes running over Ace's pale complexion and fatigue tainted eyes, surrounded with hues of purple. "Have you been sleeping?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
"I'm fine." The younger gritted out, though Zac knew for a fact it was bullshit. "Can you leave, please."
"You're not going to Rafe's, you're staying here." Zac said, in a matter-of-fact tone. "You've barely been home, Ace. This isn't good for you. Please, just stay."
It was uncomfortably silent for a while. Ace didn't say anything, instead he continued to pack his bags without so much as looking in Zac's direction. Ten still minutes passed by, the tension rising between them with every tick of the clock. "I can't." Ace finally said. His voice a pain riddled whisper.
"You can, bambino, please." Zac took a step forward, his heart stinging as Ace took one back.
"You don't understand, I can't."
"Then fucking help me understand." Zac said, loosing his cool, his voice rising. "Tell me, Ace. Tell me why you can't stay here?"
Ace didn't answer Zac's question, instead he changed the subject with a rhetorical question of his own. "Leo hates us all now, doesn't he?"
"No, he doesn't hate us. He doesn't hate you. He's angry right now, Ace. But I promise you, this place will help him." Zac said softly.
"You can't promise that." Ace shook his head, and Zac could see how his lip began to tremble. "How do you know this isn't a mistake? What if this place makes Leo feel worse? What if he never forgives us, forgives you?"
"That's a lot of what if's." Zac told him, unsure of what else he could say. It was becoming clearer to him that Ace's reasons for leaving were based on fear. What that fear entailed, Zac wasn't so sure.
"You've based this whole decision on what if's, Zac!" Ace yelled snapping Zac from his thoughts. "You wouldn't even let me be there for Leo today! He's going to think I don't care. He's going to hate me!"
"What's going on?" Alex asked, stepping into Ace's room, closing the door behind him. Zac and Ace turned to him, Zac looking at him, eyes filled with pure defeat, whilst Ace's glare refused to falter. "Well?"
"Fuck off, Alex." Ace huffed, turning to zip his rucksack. "And take him with you."
Alex rolled his eyes and faced Zac, "Can you leave."
"But—"
"Leave, Zac." Alex said, his tone leaving no room for arguments.
***
Zac paced the hallway for close to thirty minutes. He couldn't hear any sound coming from Ace's room, no screaming, or yelling, or any sign of an argument. It shouldn't have surprised him, not really. If anyone could talk calmly with Ace, it was Alex.
And fuck, Zac really couldn't comprehend how Alex managed it.
The door to Ace's room finally opened. Alex stopped out, shutting the door softly behind him. Just as Zac went to speak, Alex held up his hand to silence whatever words he had to say.
"He's sleeping," Alex whispered, and a little bit of pressure eased in Zac's chest. "We'll talk in the kitchen."
Zac followed Alex silently to the kitchen. He sat at the breakfast bar next to Grey, who shot him a look that just screamed I told you so. To which, Zac responded with a glare. He waited for five minutes, watching impatiently as Alex sauntered around the kitchen as if he had all the time in the world.
Alex finally took the seat across from Grey, a pack of Oreos in one hand and glass of milk in the other. Before Zac got the chance to speak, Grey turned to Alex with a smile. "Hey, you're wearing your glasses too. We're like twins!"
Alex rolled his eyes, but smiled none the less. "My contacts are hurting my eyes. I think they're expired."
Grey frowned, "You've only had them a week, Ale."
"Do you know how dirty they must be, Grey?" Alex asked, not allowing Grey to answer as he rambled. "I can't keep reusing the same ones, it's gross. I'll end up with an infection. I've decided that glasses are the more sanitary option."
"The solution cleans—"
Zac couldn't listen to this pointless conversation any longer, he needed to know what Ace said. Cutting off whatever Grey was going to say by clapping his hands, he look at Alex and raised an eye brow. "Well? What happened?"
Grey muttered a soft 'rude' and Alex shot him a bored look. Ignoring Zac, he opened his pack of Oreos, ensuring to do rip the packaging extra slow. He then proceeded to dunk the Oreo into his milk, bringing it to his lips before chewing it painfully slow for no reason other than to piss Zac off further.
"Alex." Grey decided to try, "Please?"
Swallowing his last Oreo crump, Alex nodded and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Ace won't stay at Beck's, he'll stay here."
"What? How?" Zac gaped at him, bewildered. "How the fuck did you get him to agree to that?"
"I asked him what was wrong." Alex said as if it was the most simplest task.
"Right," Zac rolled his eyes. "And? What did he say?"
"He's angry and scared, Zac. I'm only telling you this because I'm worried about him." Alex said, and Zac could see the concern in his eyes.
"All this change is terrifying for him. He's growing more and more anxious the longer Leo isn't here. He can't sleep without having stress induced nightmares. He's apparently became a doctor because he upped his own dosage of anxiety meds, too, which I assume is where his increased agitation has came from. That and the fact you forbid him from coming with us today."
"He's upped his meds?" Grey said, his complexion pale.
"Mhm, I've taken them off him." Alex replied, pulling the three packs of pills from his pocket before handing them to Grey. "I told him that one of you would give him his actual dose."
Grey exhaled a puff of breath. "Thanks, Alex."
"You don't need to thank me," Alex shrugged. "He's my little brother too."
"I didn't forbid him from coming, or if I did, I didn't mean for it to come across like that." Zac frowned, running his hand along his stubble coated jaw. "I didn't have a clue what that place was going to look like, or what we would see, or how Leo would react... I just done what I thought was best."
"I told him that." Alex reassured, and Zac looked at him in surprise. "I think I'm offended by that look." Alex said and pursed his lips.
"I'm just..." Zac stammered. "Do you think it was the right thing to do?"
"I do." Alex confirmed. "Ace is too hot headed, same goes for Carter. Kill and Lily would've been too emotional. Grey and Kade would've said something completely inappropriate. And I know for a fact you only allowed Jack and I to be there with you because Cal's sick. If he was fine, you'd have taken him instead."
"Thanks, Alex." Zac said, sincerely. "I'll talk to Ace in the morning."
"Again, you don't need to thank me." Alex waved him off. "I've spoke to Lily and the twins, too. They're not angry with you anymore, well, not as much as they were. I didn't get the chance to talk to Carter, he's too busy fussing over Cal."
Zac gulped softly and sent Alex a look of gratitude. He didn't have the words to express his thanks just yet, but one thing he knew for sure, he never gave Alex enough credit. The kid was wiser than Zac knew, and fuck, he was so fucking proud of him.
"I imagine Callan's just loving that." Grey said sarcastically.
"Oh you bet. Honestly, you'd think Cal was dying by the way Carter's acting." Alex laughed. "I tried to get him to leave so the guy could sleep, but he refused. He's currently showing Cal his tinder profile, claims to have far too many hot photos to choose from and needs help narrowing them down."
"Jesus, poor Callan. I can't imagine anything worse than looking at Carter's sweaty gym pics." Zac joined in, laughing along with his brothers as they each expressed their sympathies for their sick brother. "I'll go up in ten and get Car to leave him alone for a bit."
"Yeah, good luck with that." Alex mumbled, munching down on another Oreo.
Zac's phoned buzzed in his pocket, the sound pulling him away from the current conversation. He pulled the device from the pocket of his pants and stared at the bright screen. The tightness in his chest easing further with each word he read.
Charlie: Leo's okay. Still upset, but not as overwhelmed as he was this afternoon. I think he might actually like Oliver. Can you believe it? I'm a friendship match maker, or would it be friendship Cupid? Anywayyyyy, he's fine, so you can stop stressing. I'll update you again in the morning. Goodnight, Z.
Zac exhaled a loud breath.
He's okay, everything's going to be okay.
***
End of chapter.
sorry it took so long! this chapter just had soooo much going on that I got lost.
thoughts?
Grey?
Ace?
We'll be seeing Leo again next chapter as well as meeting a few new characters!
Comment, vote, follow, etc (:
Lots of love x
7213 words