"The first step towards change is awareness. The second step is acceptance." -Nathaniel Branden
"Are you going to eat?" Marcos words leave a bad feeling in my gut with his concern for my eating habits. "I am worried Belle. You don't eat enough."
He has never brought up my eating. We hardly talk about food. The only time I really have been eating is at dinner, and even then I will typically throw it up, but he doesn't need to worry about that. I am eating more often. I feel more comfortable in my body here lately.
We walk through the halls, and everyone stares.
"Yeah I'm fine. I brought a granola bar."
"That's more than I ever see you eat at school. I'm proud." He grabs my hand as we walk into the threshold of the school cafeteria.
Wondering eyes follow us everywhere we go. No one expected us to be holding hands. Not even I did. We get over to our table and I sit down with Marco and Nate beside me as always.
"Holy guacamole. The new power couple in the flesh. How surprising." I look over at Marco and ponder on Nate's words.
Is that what people are calling us? The words feel unnatural to our situation. It took us forever to accept one another fully and trust in the relationship. Word like that do not show the inside on our unwillingness to come together in the beginning. But that is behind us. We are working on communication and improving our relationship. That is what matters most.
"Nate chill out with that," Marco defends us.
Nate rolls his eyes in frustration. I never thought of how hoard this might be for him. To see me with someone he struggles to get along with. I hope we are still okay. I never meant to hurt him, but I guess we don't talk as much anymore.
Riley decides to speak up. "Anyways. So, Belle. How are you taking everything? All this attention?"
"It's hard man. I don't know how to take it all. I don't feel like I deserve it all. All this attention is on me only because I am hanging around Marco more."
"Yeah but it's not all bad," she bargains.
"Maybe. But it is overwhelming."
I pull out the granola bar from my bag below, and I begin to slowly unwrap it. All eyes at the table are on me. Great, now them too.
"What?"
They all blink away their confusion. Chevy is the first one to speak up for once.
"I'm proud of you Belle."
Why is everyone making a big deal about it? I give Chevy a small smile and look down at my small bit of food. Now I don't want the granola bar at all. I continue to bite into it despite my sudden urge not to, and the honey melts in my mouth. Amazing. I missed these.
My body was so used to the emptiness around this hour at school. My constant aching bones and grumbling stomach now comes to an end as Riley tries to keep the conversation light.
"So, Marco. You are the only senior at this table. How does that feel?"
"Pretty cool, actually."
"So where did you decide to apply for college?"
Her attempt at small talk is killing me now.
"Uhm I am deciding between Alabama and Ohio State. It is a hard choice."
I hate the topic of college. I have no idea what I am going to pursue, and I have no idea what is going to happen to me and Marco. Thought is enough for me to cry.
I think Marco notices my discomfort because he changes the topic before it can continue.
"So, who wants to hear about me and Belle's first date?"
~~~
I sit alone in my room with tear-stained pillows. This whole ordeal about Marco going to college is really bothering me.
We stopped studying after Christmas because my grades have been perfect for a while now. That means that I won't see him after school every other day, but I duress it's okay because we are dating now. I can call him to hang out anytime I want without it being weird.
Speaking of which, I can text to tell him he needs to be here. Jokingly, I text him to come over to my house right this instance.
Five minutes later, Marco's car is rattling into the driveway. I run down to the door to greet him.
"Yay! You actually showed up!"
I notice he has a bag in his left hand and a thermos in his right.
"Do you plan on staying?"
"Yeah. Hence the bag."
Before he can ask about the red puffiness of my eyes, I grab the bag from his hand and run up to my room, leaving him behind to shirt the door. I plop down on my bed and look over at the pillow stained with tears. The only thing I can think of is to throw it to the other side of my bed near my yoga ball. Maybe he won't think anything of a random pillow on the floor.
"Why are your eyes red Belle? Have you been crying?"
I didn't even hear him walk into my room until he spoke. His voice is gentle. I nod my head and I begin to cry again. I scoot over in my bed to make room for him and lift up the covers so he knows I want him to sit down with me. He understands my silent request and joins me. He leans back on my pillows giving me space to lay my head on his shoulder.
"What's wrong?"
"I just -" I sniffle in between words, "-I don't want you to leave me."
At this point I am sobbing out into my room, now taken up by Marco and I.
"Baby, I am not leaving you. I promise" he wraps his arms around me and hugs me close in my bed.
"But you will eventually. I know it's not fair for me to be upset about it, but one day you are gonna leave for college. It is all I've been thinking about."
"Why didn't you talk to me about this sooner? I could have eased your anxiety."
We sit in silence as he rubs my back. I try my best to breathe through my sobs to calm myself down. I cling to Marco, but as I relax so does my grip on him. Breathe in. Breathe out. I am calming down, but I am still upset.
"I guess we do need to talk about it, don't we?"
"Yeah, we do."
"Are you even okay having a girlfriend in high school while you are off away at college?" I blurt out of nowhere.
I didn't even realize the thought is bothering me until the words come out of my mouth. Now it is like a hole eating away at me.
"Is that really even a question? We are very close in age. Less than a year apart. It isn't that weird."
"What if you find a better-looking college freshman?"
"That isn't possible, I promise."
I want to trust his words but they bounce back and forth in my head and remind me of empty promises. I have to remind myself that he is not a liar.
"How are we going to keep in touch?" The important question.
"We can always call."
"But that seems boring like we will get tired of each other too soon."
"You could get bored of me?" He feigns offended with his hand on his chest.
I slap his hand down. "You know what I mean."
I sit up and pull away from our hug to see wet marks on his shirt from my crying. That's embarrassing.
"I'm serious. What are we going to do?"
He forms the Thinking Man position and thinks for a minute while I stare at him.
"We could write to one another?"
That is a good idea. I don't know why I didn't think about that myself. I wipe my eyes and smile at him.
"I would love to write letters to you." I bounce in excitement. "We could start now! Hand me my journal please."
He looks confused as he reaches over to my nightstand and pulls out my journal.
"Why are we writing notes already if I'm still here?"
"So we can get the hang of it!"
I uncap the pen and rip out a page from Marco. I didn't think about the fact that he will need a hard surface to write on, so I hurry out of the covers on the other side of the bed from Marco and get up to find a book. Once I have his hard surface in hand and sit on the end of my bed near Marcos feat.
"Here," I hand him the paper on top of the book, "this is for you. Write down a practice letter. However you want."
I begin writing and as soon as I put pen to paper, the words just flow out of me. I scribble down my deepest thoughts that I have been having trouble telling Marco.
~~~~~~
"Dear Marco,
Where do I begin? There are so many thoughts in my head right now. I want to tell you all of them but it is hard to speak my thoughts clearly to you.
I should start by saying how thankful I am for you in my life. Even today, you came to my side not knowing I was crying for you. That means a lot to me. I want you to know just how thankful I am, but I don't know how to show you. I know I am a lot to handle sometimes. I have a strong personality that can be hard, but you show me that you want that despite its challenges.
When we go our separate ways, I hope they do not stay so separate. I hope with all my heart that we can continue our journey in this relationship alongside our futures. I want you to have a full future in college, but I do not want to let you go just yet. Do not forget me.
I love you, Marco.
,Belle <3
~~~~~~
I look up from my paper, now done with my letter, and look at Marco. His younger is almost out from between his lips as he concentrates deeply. He has his knees pulled close to his chest as he writes on his paper at an angle. He comes to a close and folds the paper precisely.
We hold out our papers to one another, but I do not let go of my paper so easily.
"Read this later. Not here please."
"Okay.." he places the letter on the nightstand. "Not come back over here."
I crawl up to Marco and he wraps me in the blanket on top of him. I am laying on him, our stomachs touching and legs intertwined. He places a delicate kiss on my hair and rubs my head.
"I love you."
That was out of nowhere coming from him. I look up at him, no longer resting my head on his chest.
"What was that," I ask.
"I love you, Isabelle."
Joy fills my soul as I hug him even closer. "I love you too Marco."
~~~
Music thumps through my body like an earthquake to my soul. The questionable smells and sounds fill my senses as I and Marco walk hand in hand through the entrance of the house. This party is louder than the last one we went to together, and I don't know how to feel about it.
"Do you want a drink?"
I nod my head yes and point at the beer sprawled out on the counter. Marco leaves my side only to grab us both beer.
Earlier this night after we had snuggled up for a bit, we started to get bored. Marco checked on his phone and saw that christ was throwing a party, so he asked me if I wanted to go. Here we are now in our t-shirts and jeans and walking in on one of the craziest parties of the year. It is to celebrate the start of spring break, but that won't be for another month so I don't fully understand.
People shove past me in every direction and I almost lose my balance but a strong hand is on my elbow to catch me.
"Thank you." I grab the beer from Marco's steady hand and he grabs the beer that was in his elbow as he grabbed me.
"I love that you drink beer with me."
We both throw back the drink in our hands as we face each other, and when our heads are back in the normal position we both laugh. This is going to be fun.
"Want to dance?" I ask as we finish our beers.
"Sure."
We struggle to walk into the living room without getting separated. It is like a sea of angry fish swarming against us. I grab his arm and pull his body close to my back and keep him there as we begin to dance.
I sway my hips to the rhythm of the music and turn around to see Marco staring at me. Even in the dim lighting, I can see his eyes devouring me. I grab him by the neck and pull his face to mine in a hungry kiss. We stumble into other people who groan out in annoyance, but we do not care. We stay locked to one another and Marco's hand feels my waist and then my lower back. He lifts me into his arms as we stay sucking each other's lips. He pushes through the sea of people until he can sit me down on the counter in the kitchen we were just in. The only time he pulls away from my face is to start sucking on my neck. I want to take the time to appreciate the feeling of him on me, but I am in complete bliss. I let out a sound of gratification and Marco seems to appreciate this for he smiles up at me before kissing me on the lips one last time. I try to pull his face back to mine, but he backs away. He wipes the saliva from his chin and smirks at me.
"You drive me crazy, Belle."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Oh trust me. It is a good thing," He reassures me.
~~~
"Hey Journal,
Yesterday was crazy. I started out sad, sobbed into of Marco's chest, and then went to a party and made out with him. What a crazy day.
I woke up this morning with a pounding headache and the memories of a wonderful night. I had the mist of a party in the back of my mind as I went through this morning. I remember to taste of him. His hands were on my body. And most importantly I remember him pulling away from me. I try not to let the feelings of desire cloud my judgment, especially after drinking, but it was so hard.
I told him I loved him. Well, technically he said it first. But I told him I loved him too. And that took so much courage considering I had to write it down for him. I wonder If he has read the letter I wrote him.
I am nervous but I can't wait for what our lives have in store for us.
,Isabelle"