"Again, I'm so sorry."
"And like I said, it's no biggie" he chuckled. "I can see why your uncle, aunt and cousins are so fond of you."
"Yes?"
"Yes" he chuckled. "You're kind, sensitive, and courageous. And the list goes on."
"I doubt I'm that courageous. I tend to get scared easily and well, I have to force myself to do the right thing even when it's beyond difficult to."
"That's what having courage means...doing what's right even if you're scared."
"I suppose" I said, realizing that though I did not feel courageous, in some instances I have displayed it.
"Why don't we sit down and talk in the den" he suggested.
We sat down. The huge comparison between us was the clothing we were wearing as I was wearing regular clothes while he wore a white Kandoura with a red and white checkered Shmagh, as well as a black Bisht with gold fringes.
"So what do you want to talk about?"
"I want to get to know you. Like I said, your cousins and Ragheb and Jihan have said nothing but good things about you."
"I see" I sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm just not really used to being around celebrities or much less, royals."
"It's okay. It's a different world from the one you're used to. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Yes, but it's hard for someone like me..." I suddenly regretted that last sentence. "I'm sorry, I'm not even sure why I said that."
"I can see you've struggled a lot, both physically and emotionally."
"Have they said anything about well, me?"
"If you mean your past, no" he chuckled. "Though, I am a good listener if you ever do want to talk."
"Talking is hard for me to accomplish at times. All I can say is that aside from certain traumas I've dealt with, I've lost a lot, and...well, one of those losses was my dad."
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Thanks" I said, leaving out the fact that Ben, one of my best friends, was killed in front of me while out and about, and all because of Santi. Just one of the many joys I've had to endure after returning to the states.
Holly was also with us, who was pregnant with my child but had kept it all a secret from my mom. This had been the result of when we slept together after getting high on weed when we returned from Turkey six months ago, from Seda's wedding.
This was one of the many reasons why I took my life even more seriously than before and purchased the auto shop. I needed a form of income for both my family and for when my child came into the world. But sadly, that night had taken not just one life, but two – as Holly ended up miscarrying because of how scared she had been after Ben was shot.
But these secrets were things I could not yet reveal to my uncle and aunt. Holly and I remained friends because we cared about each other, but we had agreed to never talk about that night, especially the fact she had been pregnant. It was something extremely painful to us both and talking about it was only going to cause more harm than good.
He and I wrapped up the conversation by giving me his cell phone number, which I did not expect, and this coming from someone who was beyond a celebrity because of his status as a member of the royal Ruling Family of Dubai.
Cielo and I got to know one another better and once again, I could tell Taline was looking at us and had the same expression she had earlier. She was clearly drowning in her own jealousy watching me with another girl.
The night went by smoothly and thankfully Taline and I did not get on each other's throats like we did the last time we saw each other.
***
I woke up abruptly, thanks to a nightmare and having dreamt of the night Ben was killed in front of me. I still remembered my bloodstained shirt, my bloodstained hands, shouting for someone to help us. I remembered holding Ben, as he struggled to breathe while I cried for fear that he was going to die.
That night was etched into my mind and I would never forget it. It would follow me around like a paper trail, everywhere.
I looked over at Khaled, sound asleep and without a single worry. I so envied that about him and Louai but again, without ill intent. They lived fruitful and productive lives whereas, at one point, I had a similar upbringing but without the celebrity attention.
I got up slowly, hoping to not awaken Khaled since we were sharing a room. Stepping out, I walked as slowly as I could and headed to the kitchen area as I was both thirsty and hungry, and it was 4am.
Opening the fridge, I grabbed a bottle of water and started downing it. I ended up with a slight brain freeze.
"Brain freeze?" I heard Louai.
"Yeah" I said, turning around.
"What's keeping you awake?"
"Nightmares. You?"
"Just woke up and couldn't fall back asleep."
"Any reason in particular?" I asked though I decided to leave out the sarcasm.
"I had a nightmare too."
"Care to talk about it?" I sat down on the island and he sat across from me.
"Sure" he said in a surprised tone. "But I'm curious as to why you're even asking me about my nightmare? I thought I was the last person you ever wanted to talk to."
"I felt that way...for a while. But I won't lie, the hurt is still there because of what you put me through."
"It's okay. I judged you without you having deserved it, and I suppose I deserved how you treated me, too."
"Look, you are my cousin, and the last thing I want us for us to be enemies. And I hope from this point on we can have a peaceful relationship."
"It's a promise. I am so sorry for how I treated you and for the public humiliation I made you endure. I'm also sorry I broke you and Taline up."
Hearing him say it, made me wonder just how bad he felt.
"I see" I said, trying to take in what he just told me.
"And you were right."
"About what?"
"Remember when you told me the day of your first model shoot? How I would remember that conversation and how I was going to regret it?"
And just like that, I remembered.
"Yeah..."
"Well, you were right. I remember that conversation more and more and now I do regret everything...just as you said I would" his eyes began to water, tears streaming down his face.
I felt bad for him because he was sorry and at the end of the day, he was my cousin.
"Louai, what you did to me was perhaps the worst thing anyone could have ever done to me but while I am mad at what you did..."
"I know and I'm..."
"Wait, let me finish..." I lifted my hand, but in a nonviolent way. "I get that you were concerned for your family and your brother. You knew next to nothing about me and you were perhaps scared especially because of how close your family and I were becoming...but while I am not okay with what you did and you perhaps could have chosen an alternative that did not involve me getting humiliated, you are my cousin and my blood."
"But can we not only be cousins because we're related? Can we be friends too?"
"Of course. I've let all of that go and yes, it took me a long time to get past it and I still remember it but like I already said, I love your parents and Khaled, and I also love you because again, you're my family and since finding out, that love has only gotten stronger."
"But do I have your forgiveness?" I noticed he was trembling as he awaited my answer. "You said you wanted us to have a peaceful relationship."
"Yes, I do forgive you and you can rest easy now. Just don't do anything that will disappoint me because again, we're cousins and we should not be enemies. We should be looking out for one another."
"So I suppose this can be a clean slate and new start for us?"
"Yes" I chuckled. "You can talk to me and I promise I won't ignore you as I have since I moved back with you guys."
"I'm relieved and I'm happy" he took a deep and relieved breath.
"In truth, the weight of being mad at you was starting to get a little too heavy for me to be carrying around, and realistically, I know you're sorry and regret what you did. Knowing that is enough for me to let it all go."
"I promise I won't ever do anything to hurt you. I only wish I could take it all back and even change what I did."
"But time travel is not possible. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and do our best to not repeat them."
"I promise I won't ever repeat that mistake. I feel horribly for what I did and again, I am sorry."
"It's okay. I mean, it's not okay but...it's okay. As I said, you and I are in a good place now and the past is in the past. So forget about it and move forward, knowing that things are okay between us."
"Thank you" he said, tears still streaming down his face.
We both embraced with a hug, realizing that we could both finally move forward with our lives without trouble.
I heard someone clearing their throat and it was Khaled.
"What are you two doing up?" he yawned.
"I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep" I said.
"Same" said Louai.
"I see. But did I just see you two hugging?" he asked like he was wondering if what he had seen us doing was in fact what was happening. "I'm still too sleepy and I'm not sure if I'm delirious."
"No, you saw correctly" said Louai.
"Wait, so does this mean you two have finally settled your differences?"
"Yes" I confirmed. "We're friends now and I think it's about time we moved on from the past and move forward."
"Great" Khaled smiled gracefully, as always and revealing his perfect pearly whites.
Then again, he was the son of a famous singer. Of course, he was going to have perfect pearly whites.
Then Ragheb and Jihan walked out. Oh great, had we made too much noise that everyone was awake like us?
"What're you guys doing up?" asked Ragheb.
"We couldn't sleep and I saw Louai and Omar having what looked like a heart-to-heart. They're friends now and they've settled their differences."
"Really?" Jihan smiled, happy that our family was completely united in some form.
"Yep" I said.
"We'll, we're happy you both are friends and have left the past where it belongs" Ragheb smiled.
He walked over to us and hugged both Louai and me, together.
We all sat down on the kitchen island, grabbing a few bottles of water while I felt my stomach growling in hunger.
"Was that your stomach?" asked Khaled.
"Yeah, kind of woke up hungry" I said.
"Why don't you make yourself something to eat, silly" Jihan chuckled.
"Maybe I will. I was just worried about waking anyone up but I suppose that's kind of no longer a worry."
"Let's make something to eat" Ragheb suggested.
"What should we make?" asked Khaled.
"Something delicious" said Louai.
"The delicious thing I can think of making right about now is Mac & Cheese. But not just any Mac & Cheese. My brother and I used to wake up some nights around two or three in the morning, when we were close, and we would make our special Mac & Cheese which takes after this restaurant in Pasadena."
"What restaurant?" asked Khaled.
"It's called Granville. They make one of the best Mac & Cheeses. It's called the Uptown Mac & Cheese and it comes with chicken, as well as asparagus, peas, and carrots. It's quite good and it's broiled so the top gets nice and melty and crispy."
"Can you make it now?" asked a curious Ragheb.
"Sure, if you don't mind the major process" I chuckled.
"We'll help" said Jihan, who seemed excited. "A nice plate of mac and cheese every now and then, won't hurt."
"Then let's get cooking" I chuckled.
We chopped, seasoned, and marinated the chicken, cut it into small cubes, and started cooking it.
Khaled cooked the elbow pasta while I made the béchamel cheese sauce. Everything was coming together and I added the peas and carrots, as well as asparagus, and cooked them to perfection to add more flavor.
The pasta was done and we cooked it over the béchamel, and we added the chicken, peas, and carrots, as well as cut up asparagus and placed it on an oven dish. I topped it up with both cheddar and parmesan cheese to make taste as close to the one from the restaurant.
We placed it in the oven and now, it was a waiting game.
While cooking, my thoughts began to invade my emotions. I realized maybe coming completely clean to my family was the right thing. My secrets were painful that even my mom did not know about the pregnancy.
But I trusted my uncle, aunt, and cousins. It was going to be hard but something was pushing me to confide in them.
"It looks like something's on your mind" said my uncle, who knew me a little too well and knew when something was bothering me.
Khaled himself had that talent.
"Well, there is something I've wanted to tell you for a while" I said.
"What is it?" asked Jihan. "You know you can tell us anything."
"I know, which is why I'm going to tell you a secret I've been holding on to for months, now."
"What secret?" asked Ragheb.
"So remember the day you found Holly and me, in bed together in that hotel after we returned from my cousin's wedding in Istanbul?"
"Yes" said Khaled.
"Well, after I returned to the states, Holly revealed she had been late on her period and told me that there was a slight possibility she was pregnant."
"Oh my god" said Ragheb. "And what happened?"
"She was pregnant with my child. That day resulted in her getting pregnant and well, I know it was a stupid move on our parts since we're both super young and not even in our twenties."
"But you make it sound like she miscarried or something" said Louai.
"That's because she miscarried but not because of some complication resulting in her body rejecting the pregnancy."
"So what happened?" asked Ragheb, who looked sad now.
"This one night, Holly and I went out with our friend Ben who had been in town visiting from college. He was the only one who knew about the pregnancy. But while we had a good time that evening, it ended in tragedy."
"How so?" Khaled asked and I started crying.
"What happened..." I tried collecting my thoughts so I made sense and didn't sound like I was speaking in gibberish. "One of Santi's drug dealers cornered us because apparently, he owed him money for his drugs. He came at us, telling me to pay him when it wasn't even my debt to pay to begin with. He then pulled a gun at me and Ben immediately tried to wrestle it from him and..."
"And he got shot?" asked Louai.
"Yes" I broke. "He was killed in front of me and that's what I was dreaming about and hence why I couldn't fall asleep again."
"And Holly lost the baby" said Jihan, who looked really sad.
"And what about your mom?" asked Khaled.
"She doesn't know Holly was pregnant. She and I remained close since we've been friends since we were kids, along with her brother Homer, Ben, and even my brother."
"Why didn't you tell her?" asked Jihan.
"Because I didn't feel it was time and she was likely going to flip out at the fact I was going to become a teenage dad. We were eventually going to tell her but when she miscarried the baby that night because of how scared she had been, we realized there was no point in revealing it to no one, not even to her parents or my mom."
"So you both kept that secret?" Ragheb seemed concerned.
"Yes. Neither she nor I wanted to ever talk about that night or what we had lost, a dear friend and our child."
"So I'm assuming that's what led to you buying your auto shop?" asked Ragheb.
"Yes. I needed to make money for my child and the mother of my child. I realized I had to get working and prepare for the responsibilities I was going to face and we were happy we were going to be parents. We were even going to get married but that night changed it all and it's why I did not immediately tell you. You're the only ones that know anything."
"I'm so sorry for your losses" Ragheb came and hugged me, letting me cry on his shoulder.
Then Jihan came and hugged me as well, then came Khaled and Louai. All of us were in an octopus hug since we were all feeling emotional.
"Look, you are way too young to be a father but I know you would have been an amazing one too" Ragheb smiled. "I am so proud of you because despite your setbacks, you always had a plan in motion and you were more than willing to take responsibility for your child."
"But I feel like I failed that night. I should have saved them both" I tried to calm down from crying.
"It wasn't your fault. And you can't blame yourself for what happened. But please tell me that the guy got caught?" asked Jihan.
"Yes, he was and he's in prison for life."
"But why didn't you tell your mom?" asked Ragheb.
"Have you met her? She would have instantly defended Santi and while she came to her senses when he almost killed me, it felt pointless to tell her and the last thing I wanted was to reopen mine and Holly's wounds over this. Losing both Ben and our child was enough."
"I get it" said Ragheb. "But just know Allah has a plan for you, Holly, and even Ben. May he rest in peace!"
I hated that expression, Rest in Peace. It sounded so final and so painful to think about.
"But does this change your views on me?" I asked, now worried.
"No, it doesn't" my uncle came and assured me with another hug, as did Jihan and my cousins.
At least something was going right.
"Let's just get that cheesy goodness out of the oven, and let's eat and turn this into a good time" Khaled said.
"Sounds good to me" I smiled in agreement and we started serving ourselves.