Hi all! So annoying news, I have guests for the next few weeks so, while I will try to write, the nice frequent chapters might slow a little. I do technically have time to write at the quality I have been, I'm up to the final few chapters and they just require a bit more effort and I don't want to leave you all with an unsatisfying, rushed ending. Anyway! Sorry and enjoy!
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Toni's knee bounced anxiously under her school desk. Every second of the ticking clock seemed slower than the last. She resisted the urge to groan as the minute hand finally moved but there was one more minute to go.
She was supposed to be meeting Shelby after school at Martha's house.
The first two months of their arrangement went smoothly. They saw each other 5 times a week: at the basketball court at first and then Martha's. Everything was perfect but things were changing and life was starting to get in the way again. But in a different way.
It had been a week since she had seen her properly. Now that Toni was medically cleared to rejoin the basketball team, and was on track for captain before Christmas, there were two less days that they could meet up out of the five that were available in the beginning. Additionally, because Shelby's dad forced her to join some after school church club, that knocked off another 2 days.
Leaving them with once a week.
They thought summer holidays was going to be a dream. They would see each their every other day, they made plans, they planned dates. But all of that was shattered when Shelby had to go to summer camp.
Toni questioned the motives of this summer camp but Shelby had been quick to reassure her that, yes, while it was religious, it was a camp to explore career options and find herself before their final year.
Toni only saw her 4 times in those 3 months.
Senior year was kicking Toni's ass so far. She was so far behind because of missed classes last year and she just felt like she was completely drowning in work. She was working on her college personal essay, she was considering what schools to apply to and trying to coordinate with Shelby, who she barely ever saw.
Honestly, it sucked.
But it did feel good to have normal problems for a change.
The bell rang loudly, startling Toni out of her thoughts with a flinch.
She gathered her stuff quickly, shoving all her books and pens into her bag by just holding her bag open and scraping them off the table and into the bag. She only lost 2 pens in the process.
She waited by Martha's car, checking the time on her phone every 2 seconds. Where was she?
Finally, she saw her round the corner, chatting mindlessly to Fatin and Leah who... well, only God knew what was going on with them still.
"Marty! Finally. I have been waiting here for so long."
Martha checked her watch and rolled her eyes. "Toni, class ended 2 minutes ago. What did you expect me to do? Teleport?"
"Can we just go?" Toni asked, gesturing broadly at the car. "Please?"
Fatin and Leah waved goodbye, Toni could overhear Fatin say, "Damn, I miss when she was fucking Shelby a year ago. Way less high strung."
"I was NOT-" she called out the window before cutting herself off. Not worth the effort. Not worth the time.
Martha turned the key and pulled out of the school parking lot. "What's funny is that you weren't-"
"Yes yes I know. It is very funny I wasn't then but I am now. Ha ha," she chimed in sarcastically.
Truth was, she wasn't. Having sex with Shelby, that is. Martha just assumed and Toni didn't correct her.
They barely saw each other. And they did make out and mess around, Toni just... wasn't ready. Shelby was though. Which was pretty embarrassing but she never made Toni feel bad for it.
"You don't need to rush. I can wait. Hell, my first plan was to wait for marriage, so I can be patient" She had said the first time Toni asked to stop before things went too far. "I know you have things to work through I'm never going to push you."
Toni had never told Shelby what had actually happened to her in the previous foster homes. Toni knew that Shelby knew but she didn't think it was ever something she was going to say out load. It was good that Shelby knew though, because it meant they didn't need to have some deep conversation about why Toni was so reluctant to have sex. Though, there were times where Toni wished she could unload, but never on Shelby.
Maybe she would bring it up with the therapist that Bernice forced her to see (reason one hundred why Shelby and Toni barely had any time for each other anymore); but probably not.
"So... I take it Shelby is coming over today," Martha questioned, a hint of mirth in her tone.
Toni checked the time again. "Why do you say it like that?"
"Because I'm pretty sure if there wasn't a seatbelt holding you into that seat you would take off running with the way you're bouncing your legs." Martha's expression changed at Toni's lack of response. "Are you okay?"
Toni's lips formed a thin line, thinking for a minute before replying. "Well... She has forgotten twice now. I'm starting to think that... I don't know, that she is bored of me or something. She comes over for 2 hours once a week, we hang out and then she goes. It just almost doesn't feel worth it anymore."
"You don't mean that."
"No," she conceded, Shelby would always be worth it to her.
"It feels like she doesn't think it's worth it anymore. She has a whole life outside of me now. We are completely in the background of each other's lives. She used to be all I thought about. Now I think about college, whether my two favourite to characters are gonna get together on my favourite show, when I can hang out with you and the girls, how many hours I need to practice in order to make captain." Toni sighed sadly, "Shelby is kind of... near the bottom of that list most days. But, then I get a day like today, and I literally can't focus on anything else. It's confusing because she is the highlight of my week but I just want more."
Martha look a sharp left turn, Toni could have sworn that the right wheels lifted off of the ground. Some things never change. But hopefully Martha's driving would one day because it truly was terrifying.
"You just have different priorities. And you did think about things other than Shelby before."
"Yeah, but bad things. Things I needed to think about because if I didn't I'd be blindsided."
"True, but good things can be just as important to think about as bad things."
Toni's eyebrows scrunched together. "You're losing me here Marty."
Martha sighed shortly. "Basically, bad things should not be the only things that stop you from thinking about Shelby. Like, sometimes Marcus will be going on about lacrosse and I would much rather be watching tv, or reading a book. But if I was being abused by my mother and didn't have time to read or watch tv, I would probably give anything to hear Marcus ramble on about 'face-offs' and 'clamping'." Martha flapped her hands about to indicate her total lack of interest in the sports terms that were coming out of her mouth. Toni prayed for her life when the car veered left at the lack of hands on the wheel. She really needed to get her driver's license because this was a hazard.
"Basically, It's a shift in priorities. Your life has changed and Shelby is no longer one of the only things you care about."
It did make sense. But it didn't explain Shelby's point of view. She decided to ask her when she saw her today, she would eventually drive herself crazy not knowing where she stood.
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Shelby was over an hour late.
Toni was lying on her bed reading a book. And by reading a book, she had been reading the same line over and over for nearly an hour, nothing sinking in.
Shelby thundered down the stairs to Toni's now decorated bedroom, nearly tripping over her flying feet but recovering it at the last second. Toni cursed her instinct to jump up and help her, her body trying to flinch into motion at the thought of Shelby hurting herself, despite being too far away to help.
"Toni, I am so sorry. I got caught up with homework and totally forgot the time." Shelby said anxiously, guilt plastered over her face. Her cheeks were red and she was sweating. It looked like she ran here. Toni was still unable to sympathise, however, knowing that no matter how much effort Shelby put in to get here, It was the need for that effort that upset her.
Toni snapped the book shut that she was reading and at up on her bed. "This is the third time, Shelby. We only have one day a week. I know that it is the highlight of my week but It is becoming more and more obvious that it is not at all the same for you."
"No, it is, I'm just-" Shelby spoke rapidly, flustered.
"Busy?" Toni cut in. "We are all busy Shelby! It is senior year. I'm living the same one as you."
A switch flipped in Shelby, rapidly shifting from guilt to bitterness. "Don't you dare pretend that we are living the same life right now."
Toni knew she was right but was too furious to back down. She'd had an hour to sit on her disappointment and it had done nothing but bubble into anger in that time. "Okay. Fine." Toni got up from the bed and approached Shelby. She started to count on her fingers, "Where were you the first time you missed this? Hanging out with your church group and lost track of time. Where were you the second time? You just 'totally forgot it won't happen again'. But guess what? There is a third time! Reason? Homework. So tell me Shelby, which one of those activities was influenced by your home life?"
"Well, I guess..." Shelby pinched the bridge of her nose, her shoulders hanging low, like she was seconds away from crumpling to the floor.
"Right. None of them. So just tell me the truth. Please. What is this to you? Just a boring, dead-end relationship?" Toni asked, her voice wavering showing a crack in her facade.
Shelby didn't notice. Or she didn't care. "Wow. You had that one lined up, huh?"
"Yeah," Toni throwing her hands up in exasperation, "You don't really give me any reason to believe you think differently. You're always late or you just don't come over at all. I just feel like a second thought to you. I imagine you hanging out with your friends, 'Oh shit.. oops sorry to ruin the fun guys, I forgot I had a girlfriend.'" Toni bit out, imitating Shelby's accent humourlessly .
"Because sometimes I do!" Shelby blurted out. Her hand slapping over her mouth the second the last word left it, clearly realising the implication. The one thing that Toni was most concerned about. But also the one thing she thought Shelby would never judge her for.
Apparently she thought wrong.
She felt her face fall, at a complete loss for words. Half of her blaming herself and the other half blaming Shelby for not just being honest about it earlier.
"Wait, Toni, I know what you're thinking but it's not that. Fuck. That is not what I meant at all, I just never see you-"
"Please, just go." Toni whispered, dejection crawling through her veins.
Shelby looked close to tears herself. "Toni, please, I swear it has nothing to do with that at all. I said I would wait, I meant it," Shelby begged.
Toni did believe her. To a degree. But the truth was that it probably wasn't enough. Not just the lack of sex, but the lack of dates, quality time, they weren't even allowed to be friends in public. Toni could live with crumbs because she had been doing it her whole life. Shelby wanted more. Needed more. And Toni couldn't give that too her, for so many reasons.
"Yeah I know," Toni admitted gently, roughly wiping the tears falling from her eyes. "It just isn't enough is it? Any of this."
Toni anticipated Shelby's answer, knowing what it would be but just dreading hearing the words come out of her mouth. The words that would take the girl she loved away from her. Not the harsh ending that she always predicted when she lived with Carol, but a gentle prying of Shelby from Toni's weak fingers. The odds were so significantly stacked against them it was like a brick wall between them. They couldn't live their present based on hope for the future. Toni saw it in Shelby, and a little bit of her felt it herself. The pain of trying to be with someone that she couldn't be with was worse than just not being with her at all.
Shelby's chin shook and Toni saw her bite the inside of her cheek to stop it. Familiar instinct told her to reach out to Shelby, to comfort her.
They both stood there, wanting to reach out to each other but something holding them back.
"No," Shelby's voice wavered, a sob sitting in the back of her throat. "It's not."
Toni covered her eyes with her hands, not wanting Shelby to see her cry. And not wanting to see Shelby cry.
There was nothing left to fight for because they knew there was no winning. Dave was never going to let them be in public together and the stakes were just too high to risk it. Fighting for the future was too hard when they couldn't even fight for the present.
Toni uncovered her eyes, wiping them harshly as she did. Shelby smiled a broken sad smile and mouthed something to Toni.
Toni couldn't read lips. But as Shelby walked away, she let herself imagine, just for a fleeting moment, that she had said 'I love you'.
"I love you too," she silently replied to the empty space that now held nothing but the memory of Shelby.