"If we claim to love God, but don't love each other our love is nothing and meaningless." -David Alley
The church we go to in town is across the street from another church by a different name. What the difference is, I could not even begin to tell you. What I do know is that Marco goes to the other church. I never go to church on Wednesdays, so I do not know what to look forward to, except the idea of seeing Marco.
And I am not disappointed. As soon as I begin to pull into the parking lot, I see a car coming across the highway from the other direction. And whose car does it happen to be? Marco's car. That's whose. I can tell he sees me too, by the way, his car jerks to a stop on the other side of the road.
The road is set up like a typical highway with two sets of two roads going in opposite directions, separated by a medium of grass. Along these roads are intersections where you can turn into the churches. This is where I stopped to see Marco. I drive by first and go as slow as I can without causing problems and find myself staring at him as I pull past. He looks like shit. I know I shouldn't say that being a Christian and all, but it is true. With dark circles and a pale face, he looks drained.
I hurry up and park in our usual parking spot before running inside, just barely making it on time. Out of breath from running, I take a seat near the back and join the group prayer.
I begin to pray a silent prayer for myself.
"God. I need you more than ever. I am struggling with desperation and regret. You already know the situation with Marco but I need to talk to you about that. Please release whatever demon is over our friendship right now God. I care about him too deeply to lose him right now. I hope I have not hurt him. Let us resolve our problems if that is what you wish. If it is not, please give me a sign. I am so sorry God for letting you down here lately. Forgive me, God."
"Amen, " we all say in unison.
Sometimes I do that. I will think to myself a prayer for God during group prayer, just as a little extra personal conversation. I can still hear everything they are saying, and I don't interrupt them.
After joining up front with the rest of the group after prayer is over, I try to pay attention to the word given today.
As I listen, I realize today's word is exactly what I need. I stare at the pastor in awe as he riddles out hints about my situation. I know he has no idea, but it is like he knows what is going on. It is all about how as today's people, we need to set the right example and reach out to people. Don't hold grudges. Don't be afraid of talking to people first as Christians. It is all related to my situation.
~~~
I am getting ready for school this morning, and all I can think about is how I need to reach out to Marco. I get myself together and run to my car, wanting to get to school early. Maybe I can catch him before school officially starts.
I speed, or at least for me it is speeding, to school and make it there ten minutes early. Wow. I really got up late this morning. I search up and down the parking lot for his car to no prevail. His car isn't here but maybe someone else dropped him off. He gets here early sometimes, so I should see him. I walk into the building and search for Marco. After five minutes of looking, Marco is nowhere to be found, but instead, I find Nate.
"Have you seen Marco anywhere?" I ask him while I pant.
I get out of breath too easily and it is embarrassing. Stupid heart condition.
He looks at me like I'm crazy. Maybe I am. "No? Why?"
"I need to talk to him."
"Are you sure Isabelle?" He asks.
"Yes. If you find him please let him know I need to talk to him."
"Why can't you text him?"
"We don't talk that much over text, and besides, this can't happen over text message. Trust me."
"Okay. Will do."
*Brrrrrriiiiiiiiing*
Suddenly the warning bell rings out. I give Nate a small wave and a smile before I walk away to my first class.
~~~
I am on my way to my thrid class and with each face I see, I hope more and more that is is Marco. No one matches as I pass people in the halls and into classes. Hopefully I will see him at lunch.
I walk to the cafeteria, rushing to get there before too many people get there before me. I walk in and sit at our table, being one of the first ones in the room. I watch as person after person walks in. The smile on my face drops every time I realize they are not Marco.
"What is she doing?" I hear Riley whisper to Chevy.
"I have no idea."
Next I hear Nate chime in. "Shh. Don't interrupt her concentration."
I sit here and watch for a good five minutes as my disappointment grows. Where could he possibly be. I sit back down and rest my head on my crossed arms. Normally I am not hungry but today I need sustenance. I only lift my head to talk to them.
"Someone give me food or I will cry," I call out to my friends. Just as soon as I said it, all three of them scoor their paper trays of fries to me. "I knew I loved ya'll."
I keep my head down the rest of lunch, sneaking fries occasionally to my moth, still hidden ontop of my arms. I watch as a tear drops onto my jeans. The stain looks pathetic.
I don't know why I got my hopes up. Well, I guess I do. I was going to talk to him today, but now I have to wait. That is pretty disappointing. I didn't know he would be out today.
I don't think very highly of myself, but I still hope it isn't because of me. I don't know what the chances of me having that kind of affect on him are. I can only imagine. That is partly why I need to talk to him. I can't just shut him out of my life. If there is something else going on to upset him to that degree, then I would like to know so that I can help him. If I upset him, I want to make it right. We need to be on the same page again.
~~~
I sulked through the rest of my classes.The evening bell couldn't come soon enough. As soon as it rings, I make my way to my car, not stopping for anybody. I take a minute to collect myself once I am in the car. If I don't, I will break down crying right here, right now. Once I am sure I am safe enough to drive, I pull out of the parking lot and drive home. On the way home I pass a group of guys who look like Marco and a couple of his friends, but then I realize it isn't them. That is all it takes for me to start crying again.
I somehow pull into the driveway without any faults. I can hardly see past my tears at this point.
I don't stop to say hi to my mom as I run upstairs and gently close my door, as to not draw attention to myself. If she sees me crying, she will want to calm me down and figure out what is wrong. I love her for being such a good mom, but sometimes I just need the space to cry it out. Crying can be therapeutic if you let it. And boy do I let it.
I get changed quickly into some fluffy pajamas and sink into my comforter on my bed. I turn on The Ntebook. It is a classic for when you need to cry over your problems. Especially boy problems.
Before the movie starts, I pause it to go grab my white nail polish. Once I have everything I need to paint my nails, I get back to my position in bed. I press play and go on to covering my nails in the white liquid.
The movie playing in the background sends my tears even further. How I am able to concentrate so easily when I am crying is surprising to me.
Noah is the sweetest, craziest guy ever. I like his personality. But Allie? I like her even more. I love how she begins to enjoy life that summer. She gets so carefree. She is able to release her worries for just the summer. But then she turns into a woman pleasing those around her. She no longer lives for herself. And I can relate to that side of her too much.
After my nails are done, I sit the bottle on the nightstand and let my nails air out ontop of my grey comforter, careful not to let the two touch.
The heartbreak throughout the movie reminds me of me and Marco a little too much. I cry at the sad moments, laugh at the sweet, and stare in awe at the in between. This is definitely a favorite movie of mine.
~~~~~~
"Dear Journal,
Today was supposed to solve all my problems, but instead it made me feel worse. I was going to find Marco and have a deep sit down conversation.
Instead, I spent all day searching for him and hoping I would find him. My plans were ruined. I was hoping today would work out.
I want to have my best friend back. I miss him like crazy. I am to the point now where I think I can deal with just being friends. If we can't just be friends than at least I could have a talk with him about what happened.
Even my friends were supportive of me doing this. But noooo! God has other plans I guess!
Journal, you are great. I hope you know that.
,Isabelle"
~~~~~~
'I'm not avoiding you.'
'I promise.'
In the middle of the night I hear my phone chime, signaling a message. I pick up my phone and look to see it is none other than Marco Ambrose.
If he isn't avoiding me than why does it feel like he is? Better yet, how does he know if I was looking for him?
These unanswered questions ring through my head, and I get the grand idea of messaging him back.
'Where were you today?'
'I just wanted to talk to you.'
'How did you know I was looking for you?'
All this to receive no further answer to my questions. I don't understand why he would text me to tell me he is not avoiding me then not answer his phone when I text him.
It is getting late, so I should probably stop worrying about Marco and go get something to eat.
I hop out of my bed and run down the stairs, suddenly feeling like I'm starving. I dig through the cabinets and pantry to find my late night food. I place it all on the counter and look at my options. On the counter lays Oreos, chips, a banana, crackers, granola, and peanut butter. I decide to take it all, so I grab a spoon and make my way back up to my room. On my way I hear the creak of a door, so I rush to close my door behind me.
Once I am down in the comfort of my bed, I decide to write down some poetry while I eat.
I grab my journal and pen and get comfortable to start writing. Once pen meets paper, the words seem to flow out of me.
"I wipe away these tears
I forget they hold all my fears
They collect apon my cheeks
I haven't seen you in weeks
Did you really mean to leave
You left me here to cry and heave
Did you forget about me already
No one is here to keep me steady
I am scaring my new friends
From the chaos in my head
Do you really hate me?
I don't understand your reasoning
We're you just mad
Or are you just sad
You switch back and forth
One day you are south the next day north
I can not read you anymore
Deep down my heart has grown so sore
So leave me if you must
But what I had for you was more than just lust."
By the end of the poem I am crying. I don't know where it came from but the bottom of my heart. I have cried too much today. I am tired of the exhaustion caused by my tears.
The bed grumbles as I get up again and put my journal on my desk across the room. I walk into my bathroom and shiver as the cold floor meets my bare feet. Even in my fuzzy pajamas, I am freezing. On the toilet, I lift up my phone, which is still in my hands as I pee, and find no new messages. Will he ever message me back?
~~~
*clink*
"What is that sound?" I sit up in bed and look around my dark room in an attempt to find what is causing the noise.
*Clank*
This time I am more concerned, so I get up from my fortress of blankets and turn on the lights too my room.
*CLUNK*
Now I see it.