(Cassie's Point of View)
It's about 11:00 AM and I am sitting outside on my balcony enjoying my morning cup of coffee. I can't believe it has already been three weeks since I was discharged from the hospital. The last Three weeks have felt like the longest Three weeks of my life because I haven't had any communication with Luke at all. I knew that during his deployment access to a computer could be limited and unpredictable as we did discuss this when we were talking about how we were going to communicate when we were planning our marriage arrangement. Of course at the time of making our plans that didn't bother me as the less we had to talk the better, as I wasn't exactly looking forward to the video calls and emails but I knew that I had to do it to make this marriage look real. Obviously falling in love, being happily married, and planning for our future together was not something we had talked about so now not being able to talk to Luke is complete torture. These last few weeks have been hard and the worst part is no one knows about Luke except for Riley but I know people are growing suspicious of my behavior because Nora, Toby, and now even my Mom have asked me if I'm alright. I just tell everyone I'm tried but I am going to get to a point where I can't use that as an excuse anymore. On a high note I did get to hang out with Nor and Toby as we wrote and recorded a new song about a week and a half ago called Blue Side of the Sky and we are all really excited about it and I think we are planning on releasing at the end of this week. I have also finished three other songs, but they are about Luke and I haven't shared those with anyone yet because I wanted to share them with Luke first. Riley's coming over in about an hour and we are going to go out for lunch. Recently I have been wondering if Riley knows anything about the health insurance part of Luke and my marriage, I mean she has never said anything but I know she and Frankie are in a very serious relationship so I wouldn't be surprised if she knew. I feel like maybe I should just tell her as I know I can trust her and she is Frankie's other half and well I can't exactly expect Frankie to keep a secret like this from his soon to be fiancé.
(Riley's Point of View)
I am about to head over to Cassie's house because we have plans for lunch. I am so thankful that I have Cassie to talk to because even though I love some of my childhood friends, they don't really understand how I'm feeling and it's not their fault at all but until you have experienced this I think it's really hard to understand. I have been really anxious the last few weeks because I haven't talked to Frankie since our short 10 minute conversation which was just under a month ago. There is a group chat that was just started a few days ago for the WAGs (wives and girlfriends) of the second platoon. I think we are all going to try and hang out in the next few days as it sounds like everyone is having a bit of a hard time since their unit has been dark for the last 3 almost 4 weeks. I know Frankie had mentioned that their computer access could be spotty and unpredictable but I figured that meant that sometimes our calls would drop or he wouldn't be able to get back to me immediately but I didn't realize it also meant that we might end up going for long stretches at a time without communication. When he was going through the rigorous process of becoming a Marine there were times that we didn't talk for maybe a week or two but the big difference was he wasn't in the middle of a deadly war zone. I think the part about being in the worst war zone in the world is what makes me the most anxious because all we see on this side of things are the news reports about how the fighting in Ramadi and Baghdad just keeps getting worse and I know that Frankie is stationed somewhere right in between those two places which makes it scarier.
(Cassie's Point of View)
I hear Riley knocking on my door so I walk over to it and unlock it so that I can let her in. As soon as I unlock the door and open it I give her a big hug. We head over to the couch and we sit down and begin talk about things. I then decide I need to come clean with her about the health benefits part of Luke and my marriage so I say "Riley, I have something that I need to tell you about how Luke and I came to be married and while I am not exactly proud of it I want to be honest with you because you deserve that from me." Before I have a chance to continue she says "Cassie, I already know what you are going to say as Frankie told me but I swore not to tell a living soul. I hope you know that neither of us judge you or Luke and we both know you were in an incredibly difficult position and honestly if I was in your shoes I would have done something similar and we are both thankful that Luke agreed and I know that if Frankie was single he would have done the same. I also believe regardless of how things started, what you two have is truly a happy marriage full of passion and deep love for one another and I think you were made for one another and it feels like you are soul mates. At least that's what I observe when I listen to how you talk about him and I watch and listen to how you interact with one another even when I am just hearing you in the background when I'm talking to Frankie. Honestly, I'm not sure if I have ever seen anything more real and raw than the love the two of you share and you know the day Frankie told me about this he said I know it sounds crazy but in my heart I just have this feeling that this is real and is going to last forever and sooner or later they are going to realize it themselves." I feel a few tears running down my cheek because I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it's interesting to know how much faith Frankie had in Luke and me from the beginning and that means a lot. I then give her a hug say "Riley, I don't know what I would do without you." She then says "I don't know what I would do without you either, I'm glad we have each other." After we hug it out she says "you know Cass, it means a lot to me though that you wanted to tell me." I then smile and I say "I could never lie to you Riley, I hope you know that." She then smiles and says "I know Cass." I then say "I need your expert opinion on something." She smiles and respond "of course?" I then say "my lease here ends in like 10 days and I am not sure if I should renew it or if I should look for a place with more space because I assume when Luke gets home from deployment we will move in together. I was planning to talk to Luke about it a few weeks ago but since we haven't heard from them in over 3 weeks and we don't know when we will hear from them again I feel like I need to make a decision since it's getting close." She then says "that's a tough one, how much bigger of a place were you thinking about getting?" I then say "well I was thinking about maybe looking for a two bedroom apartment instead because right now I use the bedroom and the living room as a music studio and I figure he might appreciate having a living and bedroom that are not both partial music studios and because there will be two of us I am thinking a little extra space won't hurt. Also I feel like a new place for both of us would be nice given this will be our first place together as a married couple." She then says "honestly, I think he will be happy either way but if you are able to find a place you like that has another room that could be nice and it might be nice to have a place that feels like both of yours as your first place together as husband and wife." I then say "thanks, I think I'll start looking." She then says "if you want help we can go looking today." I then say "sure, that would be great. Thank you!"
I then say "I am embarrassed to say this but you might know more about Luke's background and family than I do and I have wanted to know more as I know bits and pieces but we never have enough time to talk about everything. It's just that I love Luke so much and I want to be the best wife I can to him and I feel like I have a pretty good idea about his family and his past but there are still some things that are a bit unclear. While I know this unconventional I was wondering if you felt comfortable would you be open to sharing some stuff about Luke with me? Please know you can totally say no if you don't feel comfortable and I will completely understand." She then smiles and says "I can share some things." I then smile and say "that would be great, hopefully it will help me make sense of everything that I already know." She then smiles and says "I'll tell you what I know but do you mind sharing what you know first?" I then smile and say "sure, I know he has an older brother named Jacob Marrow Jr. who goes by Jake and he is 4 years older than Luke and he is married to Hailey and they have son named Spencer. I know his father is also named Jacob and he is a highly decorated retired Marine Corps Sargent Major. I also know Luke's mom died when he was was 17 from Cancer and they all had a really hard time dealing with her death as Luke described her as the glue that held the family together and she was just the most amazing mom. During that time I know he was really struggling with her death and he started running with the wrong group of people and he started doing drugs to cope. I also know because of that time period in his life he has a strained relationship with his father and his brother. He briefly mentioned some type of debt coming as a result of the drug usage but we had to hang up before he finished that story. He also told me he got clean and went to rehab and then as soon as he came out he enlisted in the Marines as he needed the structure and rigidity to help keep him out of trouble and he hasn't looked back sense. Though he hasn't said it directly I get the sense that his father was a really hard on him and his brother and I assume part of it has to do with he fact that he is a Marine."
(Riley's Point of View)
I am relieved that Cassie knows all of this because I wasn't sure it was my place to tell her about Luke's past drug addiction and debt but since she already knows I feel comfortable helping fill in some of the details for her as I understand her confusion. I begin by telling her "I met Luke about two years ago after he and Frankie had just finished initial training as they had just been assigned to the same unit and become bunk mates as they began specialized training for the deployment they are currently on. I haven't spent tons of time around Luke but Frankie talks about Luke a lot as he considers him to be his best friend so I have learned a lot about Luke through Frankie. I don't really know much about his childhood other than he was a happy kid growing up, he played sports, and he was never in any trouble as a young kid. I know a lot changed once his mother passed away as she was the nurturer in the family and Luke was a mama's boy and his father was a hardcore Marine. After her death as you know he got in with the wrong group of guys and he became addicted to marijuana and he crashed his brothers brand new car when he was high one night, luckily it was a single car accident and it was just him in the car and he was not injured. His brother and his father were really upset with him and he had to pay for his brothers new car which was expensive. I believe Frankie said Luke owed his brother like $20,000. His brother wanted the money right away as he needed a new car but Luke didn't have it all and his father would not loan him the money even though he could have easily lent him the money. Luke was 17 at the time and he gave his brother everything he had which was only like $7,000 or something close to that, but he still needed the rest of the money so he went to his drug dealer, the guy who got him marijuana, and borrowed the additional $13,000 from him. After that he did a short rehab program and he got clean very quickly. Soon after that he enlisted in the Marine Corps. He has been paying off his debt to his old dealer ever since and he was pretty close to having it all payed off when he deployed. His relationship with his brother has improved some overtime and he is close with his nephew Spencer and Jake's wife Hailey likes Luke. Sadly, he and his father don't really have a relationship, in fact I know he doesn't know Luke is in the Corps. Given Luke's strained relationships with his father and his brother Frankie and his family have become family to Luke. When the guys are not at their dorm on base, which is very rare as they are required to live there with the exception of holidays and the week before deployment, Luke stays with Frankie at his house. I think you know everything else though, but hopefully those details help all of the things you know make more sense." Cassie then says "thank you for telling me all of this Riley, it really does help me understand how everything fits together. I love Luke and I hugely respect him but after listening to what you just told me I think I have even more love and respect for him which I didn't even know was possible.
You know it's really sad to hear that Luke's Father, well I guess now my father in law, didn't want to help out his son. I completely understand his father being disappointed and upset but I guess it's hard for me to fathom a parent not trying to help out their child if they are able. I mean if Luke had repeatedly messed up I might understand why his father wasn't wanting to let him off the hook so easily, but for heaven sakes we are talking about his teenage son who was trying to come to terms with the loss of his mother and unfortunately he got in with the wrong crowd and made a poor judgement call which resulted in him crashing his brothers car. I know it's a moot point but I'm really angry for Luke. As you know my father walked out on me and my mom when I was two and though we had no money and were barley scraping by my Mom did everything possible in her power to ensure I had everything I needed even if that mean that she wouldn't eat for a few days so that I could have bus money to get to school. She also did everything she could for me when I was first diagnosed with diabetes as she started to work another job so that we could afford my insulin which costs $300 per vile." I then say "Cass your mother is an absolute Saint and she is a wonderful woman and I agree, the way his father handled the situation is a hard pill to swallow."
Cassie then says "I wish I could throw my arms around Luke and give him a giant hug and a kiss." I then smile and say "I know how you feel, on the bright side of things two days from now marks the halfway point of their deployment." She then says "I can't believe it, what's even more crazy is the fact that for the first Six months of my marriage my husband has been deployed." I then say "that is crazy Cass, do you think when he gets back you guys will have a bigger wedding?" She then smiles and says "you know I've been wondering the same thing, I would really love to or at least have a small celebration with friends and family because it's been a bit weird given no one aside from you, Frankie, the Marine Corps, that judge, his platoon members, the WAGs of the platoon, the paramedics from the other day, my doctors, and the State of California know about Luke and my marriage." I then say "I hope you guys do something to celebrate. Do you think you will tell your mom or any of your other friends before he comes back?"
She then says "I really want to tell my mom, Toby, and Nora but you know Nora and well I guess I am just worried about being judged for my choice, and while I know I don't need to defend my choice to anyone regarding my marriage I am just not sure what I would say given I obviously can't say anything about the health insurance even though we are truly in love and happy married now we can't let anyone have any inkling of an idea that our intentions were not the purest at the beginning. I think telling my mom will be easier, while I know she won't be happy at first I know that she loves me and supports me and just wants what is best for me so she will come around eventually.
In terms of Toby and Nora there are a few big road blocks, the first being Nora overheard a few guys in Luke and Frankie's platoon talking about the military healthcare benefits that go along with being married to an active duty military member and she told me about what she heard. I don't think Toby heard that conversation but the one thing is neither of them know about my diabetes diagnosis, they just know that I have been talking about needing to get health insurance for a while. The second issue is both Toby and Nora were in the bar the night Luke and I first met and they saw that we didn't exactly get along that night. Lastly, you know Nora and well she's Nora and she and I became close friends because of our beliefs about socialism, our dislike for the military, and being hardcore feminists and sometime towards the end of last year she and I talked about how we never saw ourselves married because we never wanted to be reliant on a guy for happiness or for anything." I then say "wow Cass, I totally get the dilemma, but honestly if they are truly your friends I don't think they will judge you. Sure, it might take them a while to fully absorb the fact that you are now a married woman but I'm sure they will eventually come around and even if they don't agree with your decision they can still support you as a friend. In terms of story what if you just told them the truth without telling them about the health insurance part." She then says "like what would you say?" I then say "if it were me I would say something along the lines of "I am about to tell you something important and while I know you might not agree with it or you might question my decision or both I hope that as my friend you will hear me out. Remember Luke the Marine from the bar that night, well I know you saw us get into it a little bit that night but we ended up meeting up again and well we feel really hard and fast in love but he was about to deploy for a year and neither of us could imagine living without one another and because of the uncertainty of war we decided to get married because deep down it just felt right and we know we are soul mates and while I don't expect you to understand I want you to know that I have never been happier and as my friends I hope you can respect my decision even if you don't agree with it." She then says "wow Riley, I am totally steeling that from you as you just said everything I wanted to say and you did it so elegantly." I then laugh and say "that's what friends are for." She then says "do you want to go get lunch?" I then nod and say "do you have a place in mind?" She then says "not really, do you?" I then say "I could go for an Acai bowl from Swami's." She then says "that sounds delicious." We then both stand up from the couch and then we grab our purses and we had out.
(Luke's Point of View)
It's just before midnight here and I am lying in bed awake because I am very uncomfortable and I keep hearing it raining gun shots outside and I just can't fall asleep. I am currently laying on my sleeping bag which is on top of my sleeping pad which is on the plywood floor. Additonally, I am dressed in my entire uniform including my tactical vest, helmet, knee pads, gloves, and boots because our platoon is currently at this tiny FOB (forward operating base) which is less than 2 miles from the center of all of the fighting in Ramadi and we just finished setting it up today so this is the first night we are spending here. We are all sleeping in all of our gear because this area is notorious for surprise attacks and ambushes from the insurgents at all times of the day but especially at night as of recent which means we all have to be ready to stand up and fight at a moments notice. Additionally, because this area gets attacked and ambushed frequently our gear is just another added layer of protection and is the safest thing to be wearing if it starts raining shrapnel and bullets from the sky as this tent won't provide protection from that. On this little FOB we have 2 large tents which are housing our platoon and another one and then there are about 6 smaller tents that are housing smaller units. On this small FOB we have two rows of 12 foot tall T walls with sand and rocks between the two as an added layer of protection. Then we have two HESCO barriers stacked on top of each other on the inner side of the wall all the way around for an additional layer of protection. Additionally there are HESCO barriers surrounding the tents for additional protection and we also have our vehicles parked around the tents as another added safety measure and so that they are close if we need to leave quickly.
Just under four weeks ago we left our base about 40 miles away to drive up to help reinforce our fellow American troops. While we had initially thought we were only coming for a few days and maybe at max a week, but we have been up here for almost a month. We have been staying at another FOB a few miles away for the last 3 weeks as we have been building this FOB along with another one in this area as the fighting has continued to escalate here in Ramadi. We have been building these FOBs in this area for several reasons which include gaining better strategical operating position in relation to where the fighting is going on. The second reason is because having large convoys traveling back and forth over the stretch of 30-40+ miles, which is where the larger bases are located which is where all of these platoons and units are coming from, with a lot of regularity is very dangerous given the the hallmark of the war thus bar is IEDs and there have been an increasing number of reported IEDs and roadside suicide bombers which means we really want to try and minimize the trips as much as possible which is why we our platoon has stayed out here.
Being stationed less than 2 miles from the most dangerous place on earth for the last month has been hands down probably the worst almost 30 days of my life thus far. With the proximity of these FOBs to the action we have been getting multiple attacks every day both day and night but recently they have been happening more and more at night or very early in the morning just before sunrise. We have had some very close calls both on night patrol shifts and while we have been asleep at night. Also the noise of almost 24/7 firefighting has become normalized but never the less it's difficult to fall asleep hearing that. In the last 30 days I have survived several close calls with grenades. I have also been hit several times with bullets but thankfully they have just hit me in places that I am protected by my kevlar so I have had 2 new helmets and a new tactical vest since arrive here in Ramadi less than 30 days ago. Additionally, I have seen several people become KIA, quite a lot of people become WIA with horrific injuries, and I have also seen a few people become red mist all a combination of enemy insurgents, fellow US troops, allies, and people in my own platoon. I now completely understand why some people have severe PTSD after leaving this place because what happens on the front lines in war in moments is utterly horrific.
On the bright side of things they do try to rotate us out of these extremely dangerous FOBs roughly every 30 days because staying at these FOBs while being in the middle of extreme fighting makes for an overload of stress 24/7. Given you are fearful for your life more so that ever every moment that you are in this area and everyone knows while all of our US troops can handle extreme stress everyone also knows that more than 30 days of this can quickly become a recipe for catastrophe. As no one out here living on these frontline FOBs are getting much sleep given it sounds like it is hailing outside almost 24/7 except for the fact instead off hail it is metal bullets and shrapnel falling from the sky instead.
That being said though, we are most likely leaving either tomorrow night or early the following morning so we've been told. When we get back to our other base I am looking forward to taking a real shower as we don't have plumbing on these FOBs so we walk to these makeshift showers outside where we basically each just have a bucket of water that we fill up and we use that an a bar of soap and shampoo to clean ourselves and wash our hair. I am also looking forward to not having to sleep fully dressed and geared up from head to toe as sleeping with all of our gear on is very uncomfortable not to mention hot. I am also looking forward to eating a meal that does not come out of a package because we have been eating MREs for all of our meals and snacks for the past month. However, more than anything I am looking forward to having access to the computer because I haven't been able to communicate with my wife for basically the last month and I miss her like crazy and as stupid as it sounds I am desperate to see her face and hear the sound of her voice. I look at my watch and I know I need to try and get some sleep given we will like be up getting up here in a few short hours. I then close my eyes and I try to mentally bring myself back in that motel on our wedding night.