KIRK
Sometimes I can't believe where my life is. In the past 6 months since Gray and I became a couple, my life has had more than a bit of drama, but mostly it's been filled with love, adventure and Gray.
I always knew that I would have a good life, possibly even a great life. I'm confident in this because I knew that I'm the only one responsible and in charge to make it happen. If I wanted happiness, then I'm the only one who's going to find it for me.
I learned early that I didn't have anyone in my life that was going to hand me presents and popsicles. If I wanted the gifts and fun stuff, I was going to be the one to make it happen. I've never had family to count on, no father with kind words of wisdom, not a mother who gave me kisses and fashion tips. No brother to protect me from bullies at school and teach me how to drive a bike and a car. I've seen these people in movies and in schools, I've read about them in books, I've just never been lucky enough to have them in my life. So, I worked hard. I worked really hard at staying out of trouble, and I didn't hang out with the fun cool kids at school. Instead of dating, I studied and worked various after school jobs. It wasn't always easy, in fact, I don't ever remember having it easy. I crushed on some cute guys, and there were cute guys who chased after me. I knew that I didn't have the luxury of a light and fun frivolous life. It didn't mean I didn't want the fun times, I just knew that my fun and easy times were going to come a little later, when I got older. When I had a job, an apartment, a refrigerator with food in it and most importantly, what I've craved most for my entire life, security and safety, then I could start having the fun and frivolous times.
Before Gray, I'd never felt safe or protected in my life. I had to protect myself from predatory foster families, bullies in school and in my after-school jobs. Throughout my childhood the constant theme that I remember was worry. I was worried I'd be attacked, worried I'd spend the rest of my life hungry, worried that I would never get warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer. I worried that I would get sick and I'd end up back in the county home. I tried to fly under the radar in my foster homes, and excel in school so I would be able to move on to college after high school. I tried to never stand out or garner any attention that would bring the bullies or the social services any deeper into my world.
I knew that pursuing nursing would help get me to a stable and secure place. I'm trained in a profession that will always be in demand, I have a great education that I paid for with scholarships, grants and jobs. I don't have any student loan debt hanging over my head. I don't have a car payment, house payment or credit card debt. I do have my cute apartment, which I will be able to upgrade in about 6 months, and at that time I might be able to afford a used car, and if not in 6 months I will definitely be able to get a car within a year. So currently in my life, I have everything I need, and now, the strawberry frosting on my milk chocolate cupcake is Gray.
I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love, and luckily enough for me, the big guy loves me right back. The most beautiful man I've ever seen, loves me, takes care of me, and shows me every day how important I am to him. This man is everything I've ever wanted and didn't really know could exist for me, the kind of man I never even dared to dream of. He's the giant hero from a book that is heart stoppingly handsome, funnier than any person I've ever met, and he is so damn loyal. He loves and protects his club brothers, their girlfriends, and me.
From our first encounter in the bar, to our adventures in dating, a shooting and a psychotic slut nurse, Gray and I have had a deep connection, one that I know is only going to grow and deepen.
I found out last night that I passed my nursing boards and by doing that I've been hired at the hospital full time where I've been working. So here I am, reaching the goals I set for myself so many years ago. I almost don't know how to deal with it. I'll be making enough money to not only pay my bills but to save every month as well. I've got a boyfriend that I love and that loves me, a man who very clearly states that I am his future, his 'permanent forever old lady'. I've also got friends and the time to spend with them. Never in my life have I had one of these things, but now I have it all, sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.
"Kitten, get your sweet ass over here, I wanna talk with you." Grays growly voice gets me all kinds of hot and bothered, so I follow his voice and head into the club room quickly and jump in his lap.
"Baby, you know I love you, I love being with you, and I think I've been patient as fuck, waiting for your board results. But now you know that you you've got the career you've worked for, you can quit Dirty, and we can spend more time together. But the thing is baby, I don't want to do it the way we've been doing it." He's talking slow and steady, staring right into my eyes, so I'm pretty sure he's about to drop a bomb on me.
"What's wrong BigGuy? Do you want more free time away from me? Do you think that I'll be taking up more of your world?" I'm definitely panicking, but I'm trying to be calm and not cry. Though I'm about 10 seconds from complete failure on the no crying and being calm part.
Gray freezes and looks at me with a puzzled expression.
"Seriously Kitten? I'm telling you I want to live with you, and you fuckin think that I want to hang out more with the guys? What the fuck girl? I get more time than I need with them already! Jesus, I hang with them because you are busy studying and working. I want more time with you baby, fuck, how do you not know that?" He turns me around so now both my legs straddle his while I'm facing him on his lap.
"I don't know Gray, I panicked! You had your serious voice going, and I got scared that with me just working the one job, that you were trying to get some time free from me. Don't get all edgy and growly!" I realize now that I sound like an insecure idiot, but sometimes, the words fall out of my mouth before my brain can edit them.
"Kirk, every shift you work at Dirty, am I there? Am I sitting in the bar, watching my girl? Then driving her home to your tiny mouse house or to my room here?" His hands are on my waist and he squeezes me when I don't answer fast enough.
"Well, when you're in town, yes, you do hang out at the bar quite a bit." I answer a wee bit on the snarky side because I'm still pretty embarrassed I showed him my insecurities.
"Figure it out baby, I'm there because you work so fucking hard and so fucking much that I'll take any scraps of time you have. Whether you're on a break at Dirty, studying, or I'm driving you to the hospital or bar. I just want to be with you, talk with you, watch you. Kirk, I've told you, you're it for me. We're long haul. I want us to get an apartment together. I wanna wake up to you cuddling into me in the morning, and the kiss you till you melt at night. I've never wanted a girlfriend before, never even thought of living with someone before. But you gotta realize that I want more of you. Whatever you give me I'll take, but fair warning, I'm always gonna want more with you baby." He nuzzles into my neck, kissing me lightly and giving me little bites. When he looks up at me, I see the vulnerability in his eyes. He's putting himself out there for me, showing me and telling me what he wants and how he feels about me. I start to speak when he puts 2 fingers gently on my mouth.
"I grew up in a cold house, knowing every minute that I was a disappointment to my family. They were ashamed of me, and they couldn't understand why I didn't want the things they did, I didn't care about the cars or vacations, none of that shit. When I joined the military, I finally, for the first time, found people who had my back, and who genuinely cared for me." He's speaking into my neck and chest, my arms are wrapped around him and my fingers play with his hair.
"Then I found my brothers and the club, and I knew that this was my place, and these were my people. I had a whole world of people that got me, cared about me, and I love them. Then out of the fucking blue, I walk into the bar and see you. Jesus baby, you just knocked me the fuck out. Everything about you, you just fuckin mesmerized me." Leaning back, he looks into my eyes.
"When I found you, everything clicked into place. My life was fuckin great before I met you, I was really fuckin happy, and then met you and fuck baby, everything was better, but like on steroids. Stars are brighter, the sun is warmer, fuck, rainbows are even more rainbowier." He starts laughing at this last part, kissing me hard on the lips.
"My world was perfect, everything fits, everything works right because you're not just in my world, you kind of are my world baby." He says this with a gravely whisper.
"Rainbowier? Gray, you are the damn sweetest man in the world. I love you so much, I can't believe that I found you." Tears are flowing out of my eyes, my heart is beating out of my chest, and I swear that this man is everything good in my world. He makes my world so bright and full of love.
"Fuck baby, I told you I'm not the fuckin romance guy, I'm just the guy that loves the fuck out of you." He again buries his face in my chest.
"You're wrong Gray, you are the romance guy, you say the loveliest things to me, you melt my heart, and I love you so freaking much! My big macho, sweet man." I nuzzle into him, knowing that this man is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me.