I woke up to warmth, to arms wrapped tightly around me. It brought me comfort to know that Connor was still here and he was ok. I knew that last night could have went worse. The what ifs swirled in my head all night.
What if it wasn't a park he stumbled into but the road? What if I wasn't the one that found him? What if he hadn't been breathing when I found him?
The scenarios were endless. I could feel that familiar panic begin to rise again. I turned over in his arms to look at him. One glance at his peaceful face relaxed some of my worries.
He was ok.
"You're staring Nicholas." Connor grumbled.
"Please not my government name." I shoved his shoulder lightly.
"I like your name." He blinked his eyes open to look at me.
"It's too early to argue with you." I closed my eyes again just wanting to revel in the feeling of laying next to him.
I was supposed to be moving on but I'd give myself one last morning. I let myself imagine that this was real, that there was any possibility that I could wake up in his arms every morning.
But we were friends and I needed to focus on that.
I felt Connor shift in the bed and then I heard him groan.
"God I feel like death." He grumbled.
Those words were just a reminder of exactly what happened last night. His endless drinking and the fact it wasn't the first time Connor had wondered off drunk and it wouldn't be the last. Just the thought of it happening again caused a rush of emotions.
One day I wouldn't be as lucky as I was last night. Connor was slowly killing himself and it was beginning to get harder and harder to ignore.
Tears pricked my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
"Hey, what's wrong?" One of his hands moved from my waist to brush the wetness from under my eyes.
"I'm scared. Last night I got the call that you disappeared and immediately I imagined all the worst possible situations. I don't want to go through that again." I said softly my voice hoarse with emotion.
"Please don't cry over me, I hate seeing you upset."
"How am I supposed to not be upset? Connor when I found you you were unconscious in the middle of some park. Do you even understand how badly that could have gone? When I saw you laying there I thought for a second that I'd find you dead." I started getting worked up.
"Would that really be such a bad thing?"
His words felt like they stopped time, stopped my heart. He knew what he was doing, how dangerous it was and he just didn't care. He didn't care that he was killing himself every time he picked up the bottle. He didn't care that if he drank himself to death it would be me that would find his body.
"Connor," I just looked at him my eyes starting to blur with tears.
"You can stop pretending to care. I know no one really cares if I'm around or not." His hands left my body and suddenly I felt very cold.
"I'm not pretending, I care so much it hurts. Losing you would kill me." I said honestly.
"You can't lose something you never had Jetson."
It felt like a knife to the heart. I wasn't a stranger to Connor's cruelty. I'd seen him lash out against his friends. I'd watched as he pushed everyone away. I'd seen the alcohol turn his words into weapons. But he'd never turned that cruelty towards me. He'd never done that until now.
"You're right." I slipped out of the bed and Connor did nothing to stop me as I grabbed my shoes and rushed right out of his room.
The second I was out of his room the tears started to fall. I cursed myself for being so weak but his words had hurt. I was just happy to be out of the room where he couldn't see the effect he had on me.
It didn't even dawn on me that just because Connor was in his room it didn't mean that the house was empty. The second I walked through the living I came face to face with two people as they cooked up breakfast in the kitchen.
Of course it had to be Evan and Jake. Evan, who I knew would never let this go and there was no escaping him not when we shared an apartment.
"Jetson, Jake's making-," he trailed off when he caught sight of my tear stained face. "What happened?" His whole face morphed into worry.
Jake turned from where he was busy cooking up pancakes and I could see the concern on his own face. I felt so embarrassed especially because Jake was seeing this. Jake had lived with Connor for years and I just knew he had just been waiting for this to happen.
"Nothing, I'm going to go." I wiped at my eyes just wanting to get out of here.
"You want to get breakfast? We can go to that diner that has that good chocolate cake by Westerly." Evan asked.
"No I'm fine, you guys have your pancakes or whatever." I waved the couple off.
Jake turned to look at the pan with the batter in it. He reached out and cranked the dial up all the way.
"Oops they're burnt. Let's all go out." Jake smiled at me and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.
"We're getting two slices of cake!" Evan cheered and then ran off to go grab his shoes.
That just left Jake and I in the kitchen alone. I cursed my roommate in my head.
"You shouldn't let him get to you like this." Jake said.
"I'm fine." I replied not really wanting to get into it.
"Look Connor he's an addict and he doesn't let people get close to him. I've watched him self destruct every relationship in his life. He's thrown every insult at me that he could think of, he's blown up on me more times than I can count. Do you know why he does it?"
I just shook my head.
"Because he knows it hurts. He hurts those around him and they leave him alone. He ruins all his friendships and I wish I could tell you exactly why he does it but I honestly don't know anything about him. You were the closest I ever saw him get to anyone."
Jake's words did nothing to ease the hurt in my chest but it did remind me of the fact that Connor was hurting. He needed help and I wanted to do something for him. He didn't deserve my kindness but no matter how much of a jerk he was it didn't mean I wanted to see him end up in a ditch.
A/n:
Sorry this is a little bit late. I've had a day, I was running late to work this morning and then I got attacked by one of the kids I work with which made the day extra long. I'm fine, like didn't get any serious injuries or anything but it's not fun.
I've seen people asking for updates and wanting them to come out faster but I'm doing about twice a week now, I might have to do one upload a week some weeks depending on how busy I am. I just want you guys to know I'm doing my best to get these chapters out to you and to please be patient with me.
Hope you all enjoyed this chapter!
-Cora Leigh