"I've been worried about Felix for a long time now," Hyunjin admits.
He's holding a glass of some alcoholic concoction in his trembling hands, the ice clinks together as he shakes ever so slightly. It's cold in his hands, freezing, yet he can't bring himself to let go.
"When Channie hyung found the scales the sudden weight loss really made sense."
Jisung doesn't reply, Changbin only thumbs over Hyunjin's thigh in an attempt to comfort him.
He takes a slow sip from his glass, a wince present on his face as it slides down his throat with a burn. It would be a lie to say everyone hadn't realised Felix had gotten thinner...but they've all been on diets before. They've all been underweight at some point. It just seems some took it further than others.
"Didn't any of you notice?" Hyunjin asks, there's a tremor to his voice as he looks down at his glass, "And now that we have noticed no one is doing anything."
Hyunjin is right. They aren't doing anything. But what can they do? Each time anyone tries to talk to Felix he shuts down and snaps at them like a rabid dog...teeth bared and all. He won't accept their help.
That night where Hyunjin stood outside the bathroom, how different would things be if he intervened then and there? The possibility he could have helped Felix and prevented him from getting to this point is there. He should have done so much more. Should've. Could've. Didn't.
"I've been reading online..." Hyunjin murmurs as he taps his fingers rhythmically, "Y'know about eating disorders and shit. It says we can't force him to eat or he'll just avoid it more out of spite. We can't hold him down and shove food down his damn throat, we can't make him eat."
Jisung starts to nervously play with the hem of his sweatshirt, "What can we do?"
What can they do? Is there anything they even can do at this point? Felix'll probably end up in hospital by the end of the week hooked up to machines and shit. And it'll be all Hyunjin's fault because in his mind he had a chance to do something and didn't. He didn't do anything.
"It says to wait it out and 'support' his road to recovery," Hyunjin spits the words out like venom, "Bullshit. He hasn't got time to 'recover' of his own fucking accord. He's dying right in front of us."
Whoever said words can't hurt you fucking lied. Hyunjin was physically pained by his own sentence, it clawed at his throat as the words clambered against the walls. It was like throwing up daggers, agonising and seething torture.
"I love him so much," Hyunjin admits, "And I don't know what to do anymore."
If Felix was to die...Hyunjin doesn't think he could bear to live anymore.
He'd rather be dead than live without him.
-----------------------------------
Hyunjin did a lot of thinking. A whole lot of thinking. He came to the conclusion that there was no way to help Felix. He just can't. Nobody can. Felix is the only person who can help himself...he won't let anyone else. All he can do is gently suggest and support him. Well, that was the conclusion he came up with. But then something big happened. Something unsettling. Something that made his blood curdle and throat tighten. He went straight to Chan.
"Hyung?"
The door creaks open, a dreadful prolonged sound and Chan can immediately tell that something is up. Suddenly, the harsh wind battering against the window becomes all that more sinister.
Chan raises his head from his laptop, "Yes Jinnie, what's up?"
Hyunjin shifts his weight from foot to foot, eyes unfocused and watery. Chan notices the unusual tremor in his voice. Almost like he's been struck across the face.
Hyunjin points down the hall to the kitchen feebly, hand somewhat trembling.
"In the trash, uhm I was throwing away some stuff and there's blood," Hyunjin stumbles over his words as they pass over his lips.
It almost hurts him physically to even mutter them.
He continues, "Like...a lot of blood and tissue too. It was kinda covered by other things so I moved everything on top and there was just - there was so much."
Chan stills, "Blood?"
Hyunjin nods in affirmation, "Lix - you don't think he...hyung if Felix-"
Chan feels his stomach drop, "Maybe he just had a nosebleed?"
Chan isn't sure if he believes himself.
Hyunjin shakes his head, throat closing up as tears well up in his eyes.
"Hyung please - there was so so much blood. He's done something really really bad - he's gonna die, he's going-he's going to die!"
Hyunjin starts to panic, he can't breathe.
He can't breathe he can't breathe he can't breathe.
"Hyunjin don't say that!" Chan cries, he feels his chest ache as everything truly dawns on him.
He gets up from his seat and engulfs Hyunjin into a hug. Immediately Hyunjin's hands fly to claw at Chan's t-shirt. He wraps it up in his little fingers and feels himself shaking.
Chan gulps as he raises a hand to pet at Hyunjin's hair, "Oh Jinnie...you're such a good boy. Don't panic. It'll all be okay. Everything will be okay."
Hyunjin shakes his head as he buries his face into Chan's neck.
No nothing is okay. It hasn't been okay for a while now. Why is everything going so wrong?
"Where is he right now? Is he- where's he gone?" Hyunjin wails, words coming out in short stuttering bursts.
Chan thinks for a second...he knew Felix left about an hour or two ago. He was mad and upset and Chan knew better to follow him out.
"He went to the practice room."
Hyunjin pales darkly, face white and ghostly.
"Look, we'll go to the studios now and he'll be there and he'll be all fine."
His voice breaks as he lies. Chan doesn't believe it. Hyunjin doesn't buy it.
They rush out the house, coats left forgotten on their hooks as they dash to the car. Chan doesn't even put his seatbelt on, he just fucking drives.
The roads pass by in a blur as they speed through the streets, Hyunjin doesn't even know if he's breathing anymore. He doesn't even feel real right now, just a physical embodiment of utter terror and fear.
He's so scared. Petrified. So many thoughts are racing through his mind...and they're bad thoughts. Bad bad thoughts. God he feels sick to his stomach. He could throw up any second.
The nauseating image of all that blood hastily covered up in the trash has been branded in the forefront of his mind. He can't stop thinking about it. Hyunjin knuckles at his eyes in frustration, it's burnt into his eyes. It makes him want to fucking scream.
He barely processes it when he jumps out the car and sprints into the studio building, heart thumping in his chest as he scrambles up the stairs. He couldn't wait for the elevator to come - he just needed to run.
Footsteps slamming against the floor, Hyunjin ignores the confused stares he gets from people in the corridors. He knows how much of a mess he must look right now, fuck he didn't even change his clothes. But it doesn't matter. He needs to get to Felix and he needs to get to him now. He can worry about his personal image when he knows his friend is safe. When his family is safe.
He throws himself into the practice room - it's the one they use the most often - and as he suspected Felix is in there.
But Felix isn't dancing, no, he's lying in a heap on the floor. Hyunjin's stomach drops as Chan catches up to him. He isn't sure if he starts to bawl or if he screams but he does know that he rushes to Felix's side. Knees colliding with the floor, Hyunjin gathers him up in his arms as if he was cradling a baby.
Felix is cold. He's cold .
Hyunjin is sure he starts crying now. He can see the tears fall onto Felix's hollowed cheeks. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He turns to Chan, shaking as he hugs Felix closer to him. What should he do? What could he possibly do in this situation. This is all his fault. If only he could have talked to Felix about this that first night he heard him throwing up. He could have prevented all of this. He could have stopped Felix getting sicker and sicker. He's failed as Felix's friend. He fucking killed him. Hyunjin is responsible for this. Its. All. His. Fucking. Fault.
"Hyung is he - is he - he's okay right? Please tell me he's okay? He's so cold - he's so - why is he cold? Hyung please tell me what to do!"
Chan drops to the floor and places a hand against Felix's forehead...and then moves his hand to Felix's chest. He can't help but fail to ignore how much Felix's chest bones protrude against his pallid ashy skin. There's a heart beat. It's there. It's really really there he isn't just imagining it.
Chan swallows thickly, a breath caught up in his throat finally passing over his lips, "He just passed out, here, give him to me Jinnie. It's okay...shush don't worry. I'll fix this."
Hyunjin only clutches him tighter, "No, I want to hold him. I want to - I want to hold him when he wakes up."
Chan nods, "Okay. I know I know."
Hyunjin stops wailing only for the tears to morph into hiccupy sobs.
"I'll go call the rest of the members," Chan whispers like he was terrified any volume would scare Hyunjin, "Jinnie, you're such a good boy. Everything will be okay. Just stay put for a second."
Hyunjin nods affirmative - he doesn't even watch as Chan leaves the room. He just holds Felix in his arms, face buried into his neck. It takes a minute of sobbing and hugging Felix to his chest for the younger to start to stir.
Felix wrinkles his nose as his eyes finally crack open, head pounding as his vision starts to come back into focus.
"Lix, hey, it's just - it's just me, I-"
Felix blinks, why is Hyunjin here? Why is Hyunjin crying? What does Hyunjin have to be crying about? He's fucking perfect. What could possibly make him of all people cry?
He scrambles to his feet when he realises Hyunjin has his arms around him. But he's barely up two seconds before his legs give out and he comes crashing to the floor.
"Lix!" Hyunjin's small voice worries from the floor.
His heart fucking aches when he moves closer and Felix backs himself into a corner. It's like Felix is scared.
Felix is fucking terrified. His eyes flit left and right for an escape like a madman, breath ragged in his throat as his arms curl around himself. He just looks so...small. So fragile. It leaves Hyunjin in absolute agony.
Hyunjin makes a high-pitched noise of alarm in the back of his throat and feels his whole world start to crumble. It's obvious Felix is panicking, he doesn't look like he even remembers how to think. He looks empty.
"Felix please-"
Of course Hyunjin is here. Oh of course he fucking is!
He can't back away any further into the corner and Hyunjin knows he shouldn't go any closer but he can't help it. He just engulfs Felix into a hug. He needs to hold him right now.
Hyunjin's voice cracks, "You're not alone, I'll always catch you when you're about to fall."
That reassurance felt like a knife had been plunged into Felix's stomach and twisted at the hilt. His ribs felt like they were crumbling in their very place. Why did Hyunjin have to speak to him so softly...like he was terrified Felix would break like a glass doll with only a word.
"That's not true," Felix deflects, a sudden sense of rage fuelled in the pit of his gut.
"We all love you."
Felix feels his stomach twist. Everyone just goes out their way to fucking lie to him each and every day. Do they enjoy it? Do they enjoy seeing him finally open up and then kick him to the ground once more? Well? Do they? It's like they piece him back together only to shatter him once more. It's a fucking endless cycle, he wishes it would just fucking stop!
"Why do you all try to hurt me so much?" Felix asks, his throat constricted.
Fuck - it was like his resolve was splintering with each second, a spiderweb of lies coming undone. He doesn't even have the energy to push Hyunjin off him. When Hyunjin rubs a soothing hand over his spine it all comes tumbling down. Even through the thick cloth of his hoodie Hyunjin can feel each individual knob. That scared him. Felix really was frail, he really could just...break.
"Why won't y-you just make it fucking stop!" Felix raises his head to glare into Hyunjin's soft and desperate eyes, "Just do something! Anything!"
He takes a hold of Hyunjin's shirt, the cloth bunched in his skeletal hands as he shakes in his own uncontrollable emotions, "Fucking kill me! Are you scared? Are you too fucking scared to put me out of my misery!"
Hyunjin doesn't reply.
It feels like there's a gaping hole in Felix's chest, its splintering with each daunting second.
"Fine," he rasps, "I'll do it myself."
He doesn't know how he does it, he really doesn't know how he managed to push Hyunjin to the floor.
"W-wait," Hyunjin's voice catches in his throat as he reaches out to take a hold of Felix's wrists only for the younger to pull away, "Felix I know that- I know you're feeling so many emotions right now but- but you're going to be okay. Please just let me help-"
"No! You can't help! You can't! You can't! You can't!"
"Can you just fucking get out and let me just end it all!" Felix sobs, nails scraping across his wrists in a poor attempt to alleviate the agonising emotions bubbling over.
He drops to the floor again as he tugs at his hair in sheer frustration.
Then Felix finds his arms pinned to his side as someone holds him close to their chest, "Lix please...you're going to make yourself sick."
He hopes he does. He hopes he throws up - he hopes his blood starts to flow even heavier - he hopes that everything will just fucking end!
"I fucking hate you," Felix shrieks as he thrashes in Hyunjin's hold like a wild animal, "Get away from me!"
He can't take it. He actually can't take it. Why won't he just fucking die. Why won't everything just end?
"Lix, please please just take a deep breath for me. It's all gonna be okay," Hyunjin whimpers.
Felix feels white-hot tears slip down his face, "Why do you keep lying to me! Do you think its funny to watch me struggle and fail and hurt!"
Heart shattering, Hyunjin inches one of his hands to stroke at Felix's head, "Lix I know you feel so isolated and you're hurting. You're hurting so so much right now. But you have to realise that there's only one way for you to stop hurting so much, you know that right?"
There was suddenly hands on his face, Hyunjin must be brushing the strands of hair out his eyes. Why does he care so much?
Felix wants to scream.
He wants to scream and kick and shout.
But all he can do is cry.
He doesn't have the energy to fight anymore.
Hyunjin keeps smoothing his hand over Felix's hair, "Just breathe a little yeah? Just try and breathe. That's all I want you to do."
"I can't - I just can't-" Felix fights weakly.
"Please Lix?"
And in that moment Felix feels every drop of rage and anger leave him. Something clicks for him, he doesn't want to be angry. He doesn't want to feel this way.
Hyunjin keeps stroking through his hair, "There we go Lix. There we go."
Is he breathing? Felix can't even tell. He can't even tell if he's alive right now.
"You're such a good person Felix. The most amazing and talented person I know. Why can't you see that?"
Felix doesn't know. He really doesn't know.
Hyunjin blinks back tears, "Sometimes I look at you...and I see why you're the most beautiful person on earth. I could sit and count every freckle on your face, then I would spend an eternity just staring at them. I could look into your eyes for hours, I could hold your hand until the end of the world. You mean everything to me. To everyone. You're our whole world."
Felix doesn't believe it.
"You're lying."
Hyunjin shakes his head and directs Felix to look into the mirror that lines the front wall of the practice room.
"You don't see what I see," Hyunjin whispers, "Look in that mirror. You've got the sweetest little face, big big eyes like a doll, a cute little button nose worthy of a thousand kisses. There's so much love pieced into you, you've got this look to you...I can't explain it in words. But it makes me want to hold you, it makes me want to cry when you're hurting, it makes me want to protect you. I see sides of you that you refuse to."
Felix can barely look at himself in the mirror.
It seems Hyunjin can sense the resonating disgust bubbling in his gut.
"What do you see Lix?"
"You want an answer you'd like or the truth?" Felix mutters sourly.
"The truth."
He laughs bitterly almost as if to say 'you asked for this'.
"I see someone I don't want to be. I'm hideous, I'm not good enough, my face is gross and my cheeks are too chubby. I see someone who doesn't deserve your love or your appreciation. My legs are too big, I could be thinner and prettier but the person in the mirror is too fucking vulgar to fix anything wrong with them. You want to know what I see? I. See. Nothing. You can't look at that person in the mirror and tell me they're oh-so-fucking wonderful. I see someone who can't take care of themselves. I see someone who is a failure, a waste of space, a let-down."
He pauses for a second.
"I see someone who doesn't want to wake up anymore."
Hyunjin feels as if a bullet has gone straight through his heart. It feels like he's been plunged into murky water and he's drowning, those words passed over Felix's bitten lips like venom. Why does it hurt so much to hear them...?
Hyunjin brings Felix's gaze back to him.
"Felix, I need to ask you something. Something very important."
Felix nods.
"You see that person in the mirror? You hate them right?" Hyunjin starts, voice hurt, "We can make them go away. We can make a life where you do want to wake up. Felix I'm asking you this as the person who wants your happiness more than anything else in the world."
Hyunjin inhales sharply, "Will you let me help you?"
Help? What amount of help could fix Felix?
Felix glances back to the mirror. He sees the cadaverous bones protruding through his chest, the bones of his knees looking as if they're about to poke through his skin, he sees sunken cheeks dusted red with tears. Everything looks dead, he looks almost...corpse-like. The healthy glow of his golden skin is long gone, something pallid and ashy replacing it. He sees nothing.
Felix swallows thickly and stares at the person in the mirror.
He wants them to get worse. He wants them to look sicker.
But.
It's not worth it is it?
It's not worth giving up his life for.
He drops his gaze to look at his hands.
He doesn't want to live like this.
Nothing is worth losing everything he loves.
Slightly shaky, he takes a hold of Hyunjin's hands in his own.
"I can't do this anymore," Felix whispers, "I can't live like I'm about to die every second."
His voice breaks, it's so raw and splintered. It hurts just to speak.
Felix drops his head and bites his bottom lip, "I think I need help."
"And you'll accept my help?"
Sending once last glance to the person in the mirror, Felix sends them a smile.
It's a smile meant to be a farewell.
A bittersweet farewell.
For the longest time now this disorder has been his closest friend, something that knew every single one of his secrets. All the lies he's told.
It held him as he sat hunched over the toilet with his fingers down his throat, it comforted him as he wept on the floor, it watched over him as he stepped on the scales. This disorder was his best friend.
But Felix knows who will be a better friend than the disorder.
"I'll accept your help."
Hyunjin places Felix's head onto his shoulder. This was it. He was going to get his Felix back.
Now crying once more, Felix bunches the back of Hyunjin's shirt in his delicate hands. He just sobs into the material, heart aching in his chest and hands trembling.
"I'm sorry," he whimpers, voice cracking.
Hyunjin pets his head, fingers running through his hair, "You have nothing to be sorry for."
He stops for a second to nuzzle into Felix.
"You were falling down a dark hole, a dark and terrifying hole," Hyunjin soothes, "But we're getting you out."
"I was falling?"
"You were falling."
"But I'm gonna get out?"
"Just hold onto my hand and you'll get out just fine."
Yes. Felix will get out just fine.